Fear of posting, lack of trust, hurt feelings

I agree with Willow. You never know what might set people off. I've been around here long enough to know that things like corn in dog food or terms like "control" can set just a few people off. I try to carefully word my posts with this in mind, but some of the poor newbies just don't know what kind of pile they're stepping into with even the most innocent-sounding questions!

Thanks goodness the vast majority of people around here are fabulous, though!

I have a pet named Willow. []
Only she's just about opposite of a black Chow.
Small
White
Shorthaired
Oh, and she's a mouse. []
That's the biggest thing they'll let me have here.
No, I'm not in a mental hospital.
But I've always wanted padded walls.
 
As for arguments... as I've mentioned, I somehow always manage to get in the midst of them eventually, so I'm pretty good at getting out of 'em. And I haven't been here long enough to know about osters' temperaments in an argument (I'm just a new kid with no opinions at the moment, not exactly conflict-causing), so I won't presume to know anything about that.
But I can say this: It's harder to be a peacemaker than a firestarter, but in the end it's a more valuable position. Not all of us can restrain ourselves when we see something we strongly disagree with (why is the camera zooming in on me when I say that?), and that's just fine. We all have opinions on something. But I believe those of us who can hold back should go the extra step and try to calm down those who can't when things seem to be getting out of hand.
We're all in this together, right?
 
Also, for the insultees: things can sound a lot more vicious on a message board than is intended. And some people just are having bad days. Never be afraid to post. For every cruel reply, there's bound to be a kind one as well. Ignore those aiming to hurt, and give those aiming to help a chance to do so. []

There is some great stuff coming out here.  Keep it coming please!
 
LATER we'll talk about what we can do to change things.
 
I suspect a LOT of folks who have these issues aren't posting yet......

Personally, I don't post a whole lot because sometimes I get intimidated by how gosh darn smart everyone else seems. [:-]  Even though I've been dog obsessed since I was a wee tot I still don't consider myself nearly as knowlegeable or 'qualified' to give advice to people who need it simply because I still feel like a rookie myself.  I don't want to even pretend to know as much as a good chunk of the regular posters on this forum do.  That's why I really only post about my own dogs/experiences or to answer the "easy" questions that I've seen answered again and again.  And I know things aren't always black and white and there's never a real answer to anything, but I still don't feel smart enough to even give a valid opinion [sm=blush.gif]

And of course, I am always a little worried about starting something by accident or whatever, but that's very much a minor concern.  I'm not a very argumentative person and I'm pretty much always open to listening to other people's opinions or ideas.

Wow...you post your opinion you risk getting ripped apart.  My prime example was a good bye thread.  IMO people who start a good bye thread do it in the heat of the moment and than never leave.  So the good bye thread was not really necessary.  Take a deep breath and push in the keyboard for a bit.  Now of course, The op of the good bye thread thinks I am a horrible person and can't stand me.  Even after a public and private apology. 

The online puppy....the young lady didn't ask about how she purchased her puppy.  She asked about it getting safely home.  You don't have to agree with how she purchased her puppy.  It is sad that she had to hear all the dreadful things that were said.  Instead she should have had her questions answered and from there she could have been educated to puppy buying.  Browbeating her first was really not necessary and probably only made her dig in her heels a little deeper.

It is my opinion... I don't ask anyone to agree with me but a person shouldn't get ripped over their opinion.  I state how I feel and that is that. 

You honestly never know who is sitting on the other side of your computer.  A perfect example is my best friend hold's a national judges card for judging horses,  she was also a professional trainer for years and won shows at national levels.  When we are places and people start talking horses to us...  some of what comes out of their mouths probably would never be uttered if they knew whose presence they were in.  You better not spew out what you don't really know as you never know who you are talking too.

I find myself coming to this board less all the time.  It reminds me of jr. high and I can not believe their are adults who think it is ok. 
 
edited to add:  I used to have a disclaimer in my sig that said.  Remember my opinion is just that an opinion...doens't make it right or wrong just mine.  I should go back to using it....

But, can you imagine how savvy Sketchy will be if that one special dog ever arrives on the doorstep...?

I was thinking the same thing, I wish I knew then what I know now.  And many of what I have learned or cared to research or listen to and consider has come from the forums I attend. 

I too have taken breaks from some forum topics here.  I admit that I sometimes can't help but to lash out at some that "I' find annoying and have decided to stay away instead.   The most important thing that I do know is that forums, email and writings in general are so open for interpretation just as other have said, you can't see their expression or feel their passion on paper and this does lead to feeling offended by other at times.  I manage a group of 7 people directly and I ALWAYS tell them - 3 email exchanges and you have to pick up the phone and call them to discuss.  Because many, many times others felt attacked or accused of something un-intestinally and things escalated. 

The thing that bothers me the most is when some posters just lash back continuously at the same people no matter what the topic of discussion is.  It's like they always have a point to make or a bone to pick.

There are threads, and people, I stay away from because of a percieved "holier than thou" or argumentative attitude.  That's me, though, and over the net it's not always easy to tell whether that attitude is a true representation, or whether that's simply how I read it.  I'm a grown up and can make the decision to stay away from those threads and people on my own, so I am glad that this is not the kind of place where those decisions are made for me.
 
I do find myself increasingly wary of posting on some threads because I am unsure whether I will be "backed up" or "ganged up on".  Some days it's not worth the risk, but it does highlight for me a key issue.  In my "real life" I don't mince my words, I will always share an opinion regardless of how controversial, and I don't back down unless there's a good reason.  If the differences in how I am when I post and how I am in person are so evident even to me, I must accept that that is true for other members too.  Maybe not all, but some.  That means that my percieved opinions of others may not be a true measure of their character, and hopefully that knowledge keeps me from jumping down anyone else's throat when it's unwarranted.
 
Kate

I've been involved with other message boards, not related to animals and my first impression after reading some threads here was that people are nasty here.
I can't remember what thread it was but someone was getting ripped up for buying a dog from a pet store and that had nothing to do with posters question.
 
I read alot here because I want to buy a dog and I want to learn more about dogs
so because of that I joined. I do learn here but some people do respond nastily. My guess is that most of the nastier posts are coming from young people, just a guess.
 

I am probably one of those "suspects" [] and I agree with Willow, Angela and Jen.
 
I read around for a long, long time before I joined (only a couple of months ago). I primarily came by this site by accident but seeing all the great info and advice, I wanted to come out of lurking. I do not post that much for several reasons : one is time (no access at work, enjoying the outdoors too much, reading a lot) but there is also the feeling that if I were to answer (or ask) some questions, I would be bashed until my ear rings.
 
I have noticed that some people come out a little strong but they are most of the times quite thorough in their advice and aiming at what is best for the dog in their opinion and given what they know about the situation. Some other times, it reminds me of a food fight in a school cafeteria but those threads can be quite entertaining to read too on occasions.
 
When I post, I try to be extra careful to use a lot of "could, might, perhaps" and to present my comments as personal opinion to avoid offending anyone on one hand , because I truly think that taking people head on can be counterproductive on the other hand, and finally because I am just a dog owner, not an expert on anything and I do not live in anybody else's shoes. When there is a post where I feel I can help or add something constructive, I do but those are few and far between... partly because I am often too slow and good advice has already been given [].
 
All in all, the company is great though. I enjoy reading different opinions and take what I want and leave the rest. Little by little, I feel like I am beginning to know people for whom a dog will never be "just a dog" and is that not why we are all here ?

I am probably one of those "suspects" [] and I agree with Willow, Angela and Jen.

I read around for a long, long time before I joined (only a couple of months ago). I primarily came by this site by accident but seeing all the great info and advice, I wanted to come out of lurking. I do not post that much for several reasons : one is time (no access at work, enjoying the outdoors too much, reading a lot) but there is also the feeling that if I were to answer (or ask) some questions, I would be bashed until my ear rings.

 
I agree. I lurked around here too for a while. When I got Raja is when I started lurking but at the time when I felt a bit scared to join and post.
 
I have volunteered at a few shelters and do know alot about dogs. BUT compared to alot of people I felt I knew so little. At the time the dogs were eating Kibbles n' Bits and Nutro (my mom had always fed this) and I felt as if I came on here saying that people would be all over me telling me that I was hurting my dog, when really my mom and I just did not know any better.
 
Also one more confession. I have never posted pics of Muffin, because she is so overweight and I know everyone will say that it is horrible how chubby she is. (again my mom has a tendency to overfeed ever dog, no matter how overwight they are) Put it this way she is supposed to weigh 50 and she weighs 80 []

Hard to believe, but I joined back in 2002 when we 1st adopted Sassy and she and Buffy started having fights.  There was a guy on the forum at the time who gave me a bad time, and eventually I left. I just felt like too much of a newcomer to disregard his comments.  Others were very nice and very helpful, but I had the feeling that I was trying to fit into a clique and wasn't sure I had anything to offer as a ticket in [].

 I came back a few yrs later and haven't left for long since then.  I've watched the board and it's members change several times and fortunately, most of the more obnoxious folks have gone.  Unfortunately, some really valuable members left before them and have never come back.  I guess that's just the nature of forums though.  It's not perfect, nor are the people on it, but I can't imagine where I'd be without the information I've gotten in regards to health, nutrition, behavior, and just the great friends I feel like I've made. 

Every post I make, I consider how I would feel if the words were directed at me.  Would I be offended, hurt, angry, defensive, etc?  If so, I try to rephrase it to make my point but in a different way.  If I can't figure out how to do that, I just don't post or at least not at the time.  I did post in an area I don't usually visit recently, and decided it was a bit too heated for my taste [8|]

When I first started posting, and I didn't lurk for too long, I jumped right in and ended up getting into some heated discussions.  I'm open minded though and I learned alot from alot of people.  Those discussions provoked some good thought processes on my side and ended up changing my philosophies in a lot of different areas. 
 
My biggest gripe I guess is that we're not all receptive to other's opinions and experiences. 
 
I would like to say though, for the record, that there are alot of things I would have done differently in the rearing of my pup had I been on this forum prior to having him.

I think a lot of people have been run off because they were made to feel stupid and undeserving of even owning a dog. There's nothing wrong with saying "OK, you have your opinion and I have mine.  We'll just agree to disagree on this one."

I totally agree. I get really frustrated seeing obviously ignorant people get ripped to shreds for not knowing any better. It serves no useful purpose whatsoever. A gentle, informative post could help educate the person and perhaps prevent future "mistakes" (poor food choices, poor breeding choices, poor health choices, etc.), whereas a "how could you be so stupid and evil?" post accomplishes nothing other than sending the poster elsewhere for information.

It's also frustrating to see people respond without thoroughly reading posts. Offering advice even a little condescendingly is fine, IMO, as long as it's helpful. But advice that isn't actually related to what people are talking about... I can understand the appeal with the number of repeated questions to assume one knows what the OP is saying (especially if some keywords like "Science Diet," "breeding," or "housebreaking" are used), but really, the time spent writing a reply is not worth it unless the post was thoroughly read!

I just think it's silly that people get so over-zealous in pushing their particular views onto other people. If you wouldn't do it to people in real life, you shouldn't do it to them online! I think Willow's point about keeping an open mind is a good one. After all, it shouldn't be about who's "right" or "wrong," but rather what's best for the dogs and the people in their environment, right?

On the whole I've found a lot of great information and some very nice people here, or else I wouldn't still be posting/reading. But I do think there are some definite areas where our forum's attitude and etiquette could be improved.

My fears are much along the lines of Kate's.  I worry that if I don't agree with the majority & I choose to post my true opinion then I will be "ganged up" on as well.  In real life, I call them like I see them, & always stand up for what I believe.  Here, on the other hand, I tend to keep my opinion, if it is in the minority, to myself out of fear of a personal attack. 
 
I do feel that sometimes our posts are read differently than we intended.  I, for instance, am a bit sarcatic & I tend to use humor quite often.  I think something, then type it, then reread it & it comes off nowhere near how I had intended it to read.  I have learned to try to use the smileys to let everyone else know how to take my comments.

i'm a newbie, but i'm a BIG time lurker as well
 
there are many reasons why i dont post, many of the reasons which are already stated by others.
 
but one of the biggest reason is that when i first came on this board, i was a new dog owner (and still new) and was willing and eager to learn as much as i can.  hence the reason why i searched and found this forum, and why i joined.
 
my puppy was very sick with coccidia, kennel cough, giardia, and had an umbilical hernia, i posted for help, and although some were helpful, most jumped on my back about the fact that i bought my puppy (heaven forbid) from a BYB, and addressed that, not the issue that my dog was sick. 
 
I remember posting the fact that the breeder lied to me about not selling sick puppies, but sold me one very sick puppy anyways and his response was simply to return her for a new puppy.  (How was I to know?  I'm a newbie for crying out loud!)  I went on this site, asking what I should do.  And one response I got was something along the line of "You get her medical attention.  (Which I obviously already was doing was I not?  How else did I find out she had all those things if I wasnt taking her to the vet?!)  And basically yelling at me that a dog was not something you simply returned (Also obvious since I joined a forum to find help from experienced people in additional to the Vet's help.)  and that she was not an object.  I was VERY taken back as I think my puppy is my BABY, and was asking for help for HER, and I GOT ATTACKED.  Most of the responses did not give me the help I asked for for my puppy, but attacked me for things they ASSUMED, simply because I didnt know any better and got her from a BYB.
 
Sadly to say, I got help for my dog not through my posts, but from searching others post, or searching the web in general. 
 
Honestly, I didnt even know what a BYB was.  But isnt that a little late? 
 
I'm sure many other newbies got the same treatment as I did.
 
I just like to read about dogs, and learn about 'em...that's why I stick around and lurk.  I dont even bother asking questions on here anymore.