Dog Community

Over stepping boundaries

Posted : 11/25/2007 1:02:31 PM

How do you tell someone your over stepping their boundaries when they will not listen to you?

Keep in mind I'm 21.

My mom and I have been fighting over my bf and she doesn't approve of him. She is making a big deal over the fact the he was friends with our old neighbors of h e double hockey sticks that he was a party animal in his younger days and that he is 9 years older then me. She keeps saying that he has a 10 year old kid and that he was married neither of those things are true she can't even get his mom's name right yet she knows everything about her too. Both him and his mom wants to know where this suppose kid is that he has plus he wants to know who the heck he married. Only his best friend was married and has a kid of that age I tried to tell my mom that and she wont listen to it she is stuck in her ways that she wont listen to anything else but the lies that she has in her head. Every time I go out with him we have to fight about him and that I can't see to able to go out with him.

When I do go out she is telling me I need to be back at certain time if I'm late she chews my butt out. I tell her what we are doing and they she starts saying don't you be lieing to me, but I tell her what we are doing yet I still get thrown in my face that I'm lieing about it. Probably if I was hooked up to a polygraph and passed I would still be told that I was lieing. I keep getting my niece thrown in my face that I need to be their to watch her and she isn't my kid so why should I be tired down to a kid that isn't mine.

I'm also getting chewed out about my best friend that if I keep hanging out with her that she is going to screw my life up that I'm going to end up pregnant with a kid. All because my friend had a kid at 17. She is good mother she has a full time job, she lives at home still with mom which she pays rent, doing college online, and she is always there for her kid she hardly takes a night away from her kid. Yet she is a bad influence that can't be trusted due to the fact that she was one I would run to when my mom would beat me.

My boss told me about renting out her trailer because she is going to be getting a new one and wants to put the old up for rent so I said yes which my mom has no clue about that one yet. I told my brother that I told my boss yes and hopefully I will be able to move out soon. The words out of my brothers mouth what about Katie she needs someone to babysit her on the days I have to work. If you move down there I don't know where to find a babysitter can't you able to come up during the week to babysit. I don't know it's just struck a nerve. I'm tired of being tied down to my niece she isn't my kid. I'm basically being told to forget what plans or dreams I have that I must stick around my family for my niece.

I'm just sick and tired of all this junk I want out.

FourIsCompany

Posted : 11/25/2007 1:17:45 PM

bluelighting
I want out.

Sounds like a plan.

bluelighting
How do you tell someone your over stepping their boundaries when they will not listen to you?

If you're 21 and living in your mother's house, then I believe she has the right to do what she's doing, regardless how uncomfortable it is or how much I disagree with it. It really sounds to me as though it's time to cut those apron strings and start living your life the way you choose. But the first step is to get your own home so YOU can make the rules.

grab01

Posted : 11/25/2007 1:41:50 PM

As FiC said, I think the first step is to get out on your own. While my mother and I had a good relationship while I lived at home and she was never overbearing/let me make my own choices, many parents do use the 'it's my house, my rules' line. It sounds as if she has a hard time letting go, and the only way to overcome this will be to take the step into adulthood and move out. You';ll likely just have to accept that this is her personality, and choose wisely in what you share with her. While it's sad to have to edit onesself, it's a lot easier than having a battle. Perhaps one day she'll realize what sort of relationship she's missing out on.

As for your brother, it sounds as if he, too, needs to take responsibility for himself and find a babysitter. I think all too often it becomes too easy to rely on family members

Liesje

Posted : 11/25/2007 1:46:18 PM

I agree with Carla. My mom complained about some things I did when I had to live at home the first summer after college. When I got my own place, it got a lot better and now we get along fine and I get along with my little sister (in highschool, we had to share a room AND a bed so we were always bickering). A little space was really all we needed. If you want her to treat you more like an adult, then I agree the first step is removing yourself from the situation. I'm not saying I agree with your mom, but it is her house so she can make her own rules. Basically, you are now two adults that are butting heads and neither is going to compromise. I would move out, give yourselves some space apart, and the chance to prove to her that you are an adult.

Luvntzus

Posted : 11/25/2007 1:56:42 PM

I would definitely move out ASAP and if my mom continued to cross those boundaries then I would make myself scarce. Your mom and brother have a lot of nerve acting like your niece is your responsiblity. She is NOT. Your brother should not be saddling you with HIS responsiblity and I wouldn't let him. You're right that she isn't your kid and you have your own life to live- not his. I wouldn't let your mom or brother guilt you into thinking that you're letting them down. He needs to get a babysitter!

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 11/25/2007 2:17:27 PM

As long as you're living with your mom in her house, you're pretty much stuck with taking whatever crap is tossed your way .... so yes, I think moving out on your own would be a great plan. And wow! I had no idea you could get pregnant just by being friends with someone who is. The things you learn on a dog forum!

Joyce

ottoluv

Posted : 11/25/2007 2:20:32 PM

Relationships change when you live separately. I get along soooooo much better with my parents and siblings now that we live separately. I think it's time to move out and be on your own. I just wanted to add one more thing I've figured out from my life - everytime my mom didn't approve of a boyfriend, she was right in the end. Not saying parents are always right of course, just pointing out that is is VERY difficult if not impossible to see things how they really are when you are "in love". Again, I don't know the real situation, but it might be a good idea to ask some friends for their honest opinion of this guy. Tell them you want to know the truth.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 11/25/2007 2:49:06 PM

ottoluv
everytime my mom didn't approve of a boyfriend, she was right in the end.

I had totally forgotten about that, but my grandmother had that special "gift." Every time she said to me "I'd be careful of that one if I were you" - she turned out to be dead on.

Joyce

Cita

Posted : 11/25/2007 4:48:45 PM

You treat people overstepping their boundaries like you treat animals overstepping their boundaries. You make sure your rules are fair, you make your feelings known, you're consistent, and you don't back down. With your friend, don't be afraid to say, "That is not appropriate, this conversation ends now" and change the subject. If the friend refuses to listen, you end the conversation yourself (walk away, hang up, etc.).

Don't do what I do a lot and rebel against people "overstepping their boundaries" just because you are stubborn, though. Even if it's not their place to say so, they might be right in what they're saying.

And yes, you definitely need to move out of your house. A lot of parents won't take their children seriously as adults until the children have proven themselves capable of living in their own home. Even though you're 21, you're still living in your mother's house as you were when you were 13, so it can be difficult for her to see the "line" where her guidance-needing child ended and her respect-for-her-own-decisions-needing child began. You know what I mean?

ron2

Posted : 11/25/2007 5:21:47 PM

bluelighting

she was one I would run to when my mom would beat me.

And the beating continues, now with words. Sometimes, the best way to deal with toxic family is to quit taking poison.

I know you are near broke all the time, but your energy is better spent figuring out how to achieve financial and existential independence. And move out as soon as you can.

bluelighting

Posted : 11/25/2007 8:42:34 PM

Thank you so much guys for all your input I figured moving is the only way I could get her to be silent and be able to do things that I want to do. When my boss told me about renting the trailer it's the most perfect thing for me since she will help me get more hours and will help me out if things get tight with paying the rent. I will be able to have my animals and don't worry about paying extra for them and added bonus Blue will be able to have play dates with her dogs.

As for my relationship with my mom I don't think it will ever get better I can't forgive her on how she treated me as a child and it's something I will not stand for. I personally can't see how someone that should be protecting you can beat you for the smallest things and except you to love them so much. I actually spent a day with my dad and just found out that my school knew how bad it was at home that they where pushing for my dad to get me away from my mom. All I can do is thank my friends and their parents that took me all though I do wish they would have spoke up about what they witness and I wish I stopped lying to cover up the bruises to protect my mom.

Yeah I guess I'm coming out in the opening about what happen when I was a kid. I was beat a lot from not taking my medication to drinking the last drink of pop or stuff I didn't even did wrong. What's worse is my brother even helped my mom hold me down to beat me if he didn't then she would beat him to, but I was the one she really took all her frustrations out on. I was even locked outside in winter for 20 minutes in the freezing winter with no coat or shoes on after I received a beating.

Wow I can't believe I just brought that out in the opening it is a burden I have been carrying on my shoulders for such a long time it actually makes me breath a little easier that I've got that extra weight off of my shoulders. Thanks guys you don't know how much you mean to me.

lorib

Posted : 11/26/2007 2:12:56 AM

Do NOT let your brother emotionally blackmail you with your niece! She is NOT your responsibility; he will have to make other arrangements.

It is time for you to move out. You are entitled to a life of your own, free from abuse. Do it NOW--no matter how tight things may get. It's worth your sanity.

ron2

Posted : 11/26/2007 8:33:29 AM

bluelighting
Wow I can't believe I just brought that out in the opening it is a burden I have been carrying on my shoulders for such a long time it actually makes me breath a little easier that I've got that extra weight off of my shoulders

And the healing will begin. And like some physical wounds, emotional wounds will scar, in order to protect the heart within. Let them scar and scab for a while. Always picking at a wound doesn't always help. And, at least at the first, try to minimize your involvement with the toxic parent. You need time to detox on your own, break the cycle, let your scars reduce for a bit. And it will be okay and you are going to be great.

rwbeagles

Posted : 11/26/2007 9:54:59 AM

Blue one thing I wanted to mention...about Bf's in general.

You need to be careful. Women and men who are abused in some fashion OFTEN choose partners that will eventually continue the cycle. If you have considered this already that's great...but you, like I did when I was younger...might need to be sure you are not setting up the victim/oppressor cycle to repeat endlessly. Often it' so hard to see this, or even really know you are doing it until you have some counselling.

I am not suggesting this is the case...only upon reading your posts on your Mom, it occured to me.

bluelighting

Posted : 11/26/2007 11:41:03 AM

rwbeagles
Blue one thing I wanted to mention...about Bf's in general.

You need to be careful. Women and men who are abused in some fashion OFTEN choose partners that will eventually continue the cycle. If you have considered this already that's great...but you, like I did when I was younger...might need to be sure you are not setting up the victim/oppressor cycle to repeat endlessly. Often it' so hard to see this, or even really know you are doing it until you have some counselling.

I am not suggesting this is the case...only upon reading your posts on your Mom, it occured to me.

I think that is why I have such a hard time letting anyone get to know me and showing trust into anyone it takes a long time for me to open up to anyone it's why I keep so well guarded around new people it's the fear of something bad happing to me. That is why I made sure before we started really dating that I asked around about him and have heard that he isn't abusive at all. I told my friends if anything doesn't seem right to let me know and get my butt out of their I will not let myself be with someone like my mom nor do I ever wish to become like her.

I have thought about taking counseling for abuse I suffered while I was a kid and the depression I had as well since they probably tie with each other, but I don't think I will be able to open up due to how long it takes me to open up to people about what happen.