Over stepping boundaries

You'd be surprised, truly how easy it is to talk with a GOOD therapist. I am well...like Ft Knox when it comes to past stuff but when I found the right person to talk to as a young woman well...I talked and talked and TALKED...and I healed. It was something I "needed" and once I had a safe outlet for it, it just happened.

Don't deny yourself that healing...you CAN talk with someone....esp with someone who isn't going to gossip about you or tell it to anyone else, ever. This is just one lady's opinion...lol. But I think you've got very little to lose and a lot to gain and learn about yourself thru a good, counsellor.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

ottoluv

everytime my mom didn't approve of a boyfriend, she was right in the end.

I had totally forgotten about that, but my grandmother had that special "gift." Every time she said to me "I'd be careful of that one if I were you" - she turned out to be dead on.

Joyce

 

i think it depends on the mother.... my mom HATED Allen.... abso-friggen-lutely hated his guts... i cant even begin to describe it... but you know why? because i was living at home and she had those "Apron Strings" wrapped around my neck. she had no intentions of encouraging me to move out. i had no car. had no job. we had recently moved so i also had no friends. But hey, i was a good baby sitter!! she lent me out to my cousins to babysit for them for a couple of months. they lived in the city..... and ... i met people.. i made friends.. contacts.. i had resources!! then i met Allen. He had a room to rent.. said he would help me get a job and a car.. wouldnt charge me rent until i had the job. 

So naturally when i presented the idea to my mom that i was moving out and into the home of a man that was not ten years older.. but TWENTY.. she almost had a heart attack. First off... it was a MAN!!! (they're all evil, didnt you know that?) and he was an OLDER man.... and he was divorced? why? what did he do to his poor wife and kid? oh wait.. he has kids too!?!! ((one of them is the same age as me..)) and he isnt going to make you pay rent right away?? So.... are you sleeping with him to get free rent??

So.. if it hadnt been for her - and my cousin who introduced me to him...(he said i needed to stay home with my mom where its safe) i just got so fed up that by the end of the week i was calling Allen and asking to see the room, where did he live? i can be packed and ready by Wednesday!

the only drawback was that the landlord didnt like dogs and refused to have ANY dog on the property, even one as small as my JRT.... i also had a horse... and several rodents (i did take those with me..) i found homes with friends for the dogs. sometimes i feel guilty.. like i abandoned my dogs but my mom was driving me insane. i was an adult... and lived like a ten year old.. i was 20 when i moved out. i didnt know how to pay bills, had no credit, was basically clueless on how to be an adult. i was never taught!!! and because my mom didnt have time to teach me she just handled all of that important stuff while i was out riding my horse or walking the dogs.

Oh.. and as for my mom's opinion on Allen... she adores him now because he is the only man that has ever done anything for her without being paid... the dog chewed a hole in the door and he fixed it. he installed a door in another room for her, fixed her truck that a mechanic broke(on purpose, yes) helped her pack and move and made repairs on that house. broke his lawnmower on a metal pipe in her backyard .. he couldnt see it because she waited until the grass was hip dip before asking him to come out to cut it.. and when my grandmother gets into a funky mood he is the only one that can make her laugh and come out of it.
But .. yeah my mom sulked and ignored me, and was real snotty for about six months.. but she got over it. we all get along great.. sorta.. my mom is still my mom. she still has mile high standards. if he makes one mistake or does something for himself then he is a typical useless man.....

 

So i say hit the ground running and dont look back. its your brother's kid. they can pay you to babysit... but they can also pay someone else. they have these things call day care centers where kids go when their parents work.... they can be loads of fun!!

And your mom will either get over it or she wont. it doesnt matter at this point because you are no longer in her house and she cant touch you.
 

fuzzy_dogs_mom

ottoluv

everytime my mom didn't approve of a boyfriend, she was right in the end.

I had totally forgotten about that, but my grandmother had that special "gift." Every time she said to me "I'd be careful of that one if I were you" - she turned out to be dead on.

Joyce

 

Even if you do go out on your own, and learn to live your own life by your own rules, which we all should do, these little pearls of wisdom should stick in every girl's head.  

 

spiritdogs

Even if you do go out on your own, and learn to live your own life by your own rules, which we all should do, these little pearls of wisdom should stick in every girl's head.  

 

Oh yes indeed! My grandmother was the one that always made sure I had a dime in my purse in case I "had" to make a phone call. Anyone want to take a guess as to how long ago it was that you could go to a pay phone and make a call for a dime?

Joyce

Some of the things you write, remind me of myself when I was younger, and others reminds me of what I told my daughter when she was a teenager!  It's like a double wammy!  You are an adult, 21, it's not even like your still a teenager.  I don't blame you for wanting out, I know when I was in my teens, I felt that way.  I was more like your friend, pregnant by 18, although, I didn't live at home and frankly, she isn't that much of a bad influence, if your 21 and not a mom!  You have 3 yrs. on me, and 4 on your friend, I think you're actually doing pretty well considering the pregnancy rates in our country.  How far away is this from your mom's house that your brother, if he wants you to sit his daughter, doesn't want to bring her to your 'new' place?  Also, does he pay you?  I watched my niece when she was little, I didn't ask to be paid, but since I had already just had my first daughter, my sister gave me money to watch her, and believe me she was more of a help than anything! 

Your brother is being selfish of his own needs, more concerned about a sitter, when you need to be free, or lose your sanity.  I have a brother too, and believe me...he would have said the same thing to me, if it applied!  It's your life...you sound like a nice girl, you work, you love and care for your niece, I think you deserve more happiness.  Do what you think is best for you!  If you don't move extremely far, then I don't see why your brother can't bring his daughter to you.

 Good Luck!!!

 i gotta say moving out seems like a positive step, and i would take it a bit further.... moving down the street may help a little, but having a complete change of venue may be more in order. pick a new state or city. it seems to me there are too many toxic influences where you live right now.

I haven't read every response on this thread, but I just wanted to say that I moved out on my own at 18, a month after I graduated from High School, because my mom had the perfectly reasonable idea of "my house, my rules". I couldn't argue with that!, but I couldn't live with it either! So I got a job, moved out, and have been self sufficient ever since - just over 30 years now. Our relationship is okay now most of the time, actually good some of the time, but it was pretty crappy when I still lived at home. My Mom's philosophy was that until I turned 18 NOTHING was mine, not my room, not my time, not even my life. And like I said, I couldn't argue with that, so I moved out so I could decide how I wanted to live.

It's harder when you're 21 because you're of legal age for everything, but as long as you're living under her roof I do think you have an obligation to follow her rules, regardless of how wrong you think they are. Move out and do well - success is the best revenge! And at least she'll see that you're capable of making your own decisions, right or wrong, and living with the consequences.

 

I know a lot of people that still live with their parents even though they're in their twenties and have a full-time job. That's a smart way to do it if you can be happy in that situation, as it gives you a good financial start, but it certainly wasn't for me. I moved out at 17, desperate to spread my wings. My home life was fine, but I just needed some freedom and independence. I was fortunate that my parents were very supportive and helped me out a lot with money. Nonetheless, it used to drive me crazy the way my dad was always asking me questions about whether I was studying or what I was doing in the evenings or whatever. I took to telling him outrageous lies and pointing out that he wouldn't know if they were true or not because he lives 5 1/2 hours away. Moving to another state is helpful, I think. I picked a place just far enough away that if I really wanted to come home, I could do it, but it wasn't especially easy. Sounds like you're never going to want to go home, though. Best of luck to you. I really hope things work out. And with your animals! I'm STILL trying to find a place I can have my animals. It sucks royally being without them.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Anyone want to take a guess as to how long ago it was that you could go to a pay phone and make a call for a dime?

Joyce

God, what a memory!

Sorry, I couldn't resist. My grandparents would pull that one on each other all the time.

 

 I plan to be moving out coming next year it is one of goals even if I don't get the trailer if I could move out of state I would be gone in a heartbeat. Heck I can't even talk on the house phone anymore unless I want to hear my mom keep saying 20 minutes to get off even if she doesn't want on the phone. She was even doing this when I was trying to talk to my boss! I just can't take her stuff any more I hope to be out of here by the end of May by the latest.

 

Wow I never realized how much my mom was crippling me until I read your post Dumdog I think our mom's think a lot. I don't have my driver's license or a car which my mom doesn't want me to get my license that is my mom's favorite card to throw out when I say I want to move out. My mom doesn't trust any guys heck she doesn't like my brother to really date either. She just wants me home to clean, do laundry, and make her meals for her so she doesn't have to do it so the whole deal of me wanting to move out doesn't please her either.

 

If it wasn't for my friend that she hates I would not know anyone and probably would still be taking my mom's crud and I would hardly ever get out of the house. Lets face it it wasn't until after I graduated that I started trying to getting the house more because my mom wouldn't let go more then around the block. We live in a very tiny little town which most of the town is related me and everyone pretty much knows everybody.

If I get the trailer then I will be about a hour away from home which is far enough that I'm free and my brother doesn't pay me for babysitting I've been sitting for free. My brother works nights along with most of our family so he doesn't know who he can trust in the house especially considering it's mom's house which is a complete disaster. He is going to have to get him a babysitter or find someone in the family like our dad for instant can babysit his daughter not just me. I just think he wants to keep me here because he can't move out of the house either since he moved back in, but he's not going to hold me down.

 

Thanks again guys for all your input 

Im sorry for what you had to go through as a child.  You need to get away.  I had a friend when I was younger who had a mother who was awful to her so my family took her in for a few years... she was only about 12 at the time.  Her mom, even though she ACTED like she was such a pain, did crazy things to get her back.  She eventually went back to help take care of her for some sickness that I knew was made up.... and she ended up living there for who knows how long, long after I quit talking to her because of it.  Her mom made her crazy just like her mom was. 

She wants you there of course, if you werent what would keep her busy?  Its not healthy for you and I hope you can get out soon.  It may improve your relationship, and it may make it worse.  I dont think it much matters... you are an adult now and its her job to love you and support you as an adult... if she cant handle that you just have to go on without her unfortunately. 

I hope everything works out! 

 

 

bluelighting

my mom wouldn't let go more then around the block. We live in a very tiny little town which most of the town is related me and everyone pretty much knows everybody.

 

when i was 18 i had a job offer in miami, caring for a horse stable for out of town owners... i said "Hey mom, what do you think about me getting a job in miami?" she said no...

i know i had rights, was a legal adult etc... but i didnt have a way to fund the trip down there and knew she wouldnt loan me the money lol

glad i didnt go after all though. i like where i am now much better.