Every time I read one of "these" posts, I cry, and my heart hurts so badly for the person who had to write it. I thought I still had a good long while to prepare to be that person, unfortunately I was wrong.
Dante's "arthritis" in his left front wrist was getting worse. We took him to the vet who gave him Remedyl and told us that he was just getting old and Arthritis was setting in. So we took him home and gave him the medication as well as Glucosamine. For a while he was alot better and we figured that the Vet was right and it was Arthritis. The Vet told us that if it were anything but Arthritis, the Remedyl wouldn't work.
About a week ago he got up in the morning and was limping and his wrist was a little swollen. I just assumed that it was his Arthritis because the weather had been cold and nasty. Every day it got a little more swollen and he quit using it completely. We don't have much extra money right now so I spent 2 days calling every Vet in town to try and find someone who would find out what was wrong with him and treat him and work out a payment plan with us. I called all 41 (yes, I counted!) Vets/animal hospitals and NO ONE would help me! Then I remembered that a good friend of mine has a daughter who works at the animal hospital in the town we used to live in. I called her and told her what was going on and she talked to the vet for me. They agreed to let us pay them in payments.
We loaded up Dante and our daughter and drove the 40 miles to the vet. They looked at his leg, gave him pain meds because they could tell he was miserable and took blood and did X-Rays. He was laying on the X-Ray table the whole time they were getting the results back and I could tell how relieved he was to not be hurting as much. The Vet came back with the X-Rays and asked if we wanted to see them. Dante was asleep on me so Jason went in to see the X-Rays. A few minutes later he came out and said "you need to go look at those!" So I went in with the vet and he showed me the X-Ray. There was no bone left in his wrist, it just looked like a big blob! The vet was telling me what was wrong using all these medical terms that I didn't understand until he said "Bone Cancer". That hit like a ton of bricks! He told me that our options were to put him to sleep or to amputate the leg and put him through chemotherapy. They told me that he only had about a 15% chance of living another year even with treatment.
I said "Ok" and walked out of the room, knowing that I couldn't put him through all of that. My husband looked at me and said "you know what we have to do...". Thats when I lost it. We were standing there with Dante right next to us discussing whether or not he was going to be alive in an hour! It was too much for me to handle. I called a friend who lived close by and told her what was happening and asked her to watch our daughter for us for a while. She said of course so I took her over there. On the way back to the vet I called my mom and she reassured me that we were doing the right thing and told me to hold him and thank him for the time we had together. I knew she was right.
I got back to the vet and he showed us a "pricelist" of our options... I couldn't get over how it felt that I was trying to decide how much he was worth... $97 for a burial or $250 for a "private cremation". So we told the vet that we would take care of it.
Dante was laying on the table still and I hadn't been able to look at him because I knew I would break down. The vet left and I went over to him and he layed his head on my shoulder while I cried and tried to figure out what the hell you are supposed to say right now. In the end I didn't end up saying anything... he just looked at me and for the first time in a long time he didn't have pain in his eyes.
I found that when the time came I couldn't bring myself to be there while he died. Maybe I am a wuss, but I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him without that big goofy grin he always had on his face. So Jason went with him. We gave him Burger King for his last lunch and said goobye for the last time.
Jason said it was peaceful and fast and that he didn't suffer at all. We took him up in the hills and buried him in a nice place. I took his collar and brought it home to put in a memory box I am making for him.
The house is so empty now... I miss hearing his snoring and his monster footsteps and tripping over him because he had to be with me all the time. How long will it take to stop hurting? And how on earth can I get the tears to stop....?