NM

Sorry to hear about your anniversary.
You mentioned he didn't do much on your last birthday, it could very well be that he is not into that and really doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
I will tell you a little story about ex wives, my very good friend and neighbor had an ex-wife issue. Her husband loves my friend very much and everytime the ex or his 1st son was brought up it turned into a fight. He started shutting down and she had no clue what was going on, fast forward to a few years ago, another big fight and this time he told her that he resented her for making him pick between her/ new son and his first born......wow, talk about a revelation. She didn't know what to do at first, then it hit her, she needed to become a team with him and look out for the first son as much as her own flesh and blood........it did the job.
 
Try to be more supportive of his first child, when it comes to the insurance suggest splitting the money between you and money for a trust fund for the first child.
I think he is torn between his first obligation and now his second......you don't have to be #2, you, your child and his first born can all be #1....could you turn your back on your child and then have another spouse push the new family into your face, and be expected to care less about the first one?
 

you don't have to be #2, you, your child and his first born can all be #1.

Well stated point snownose. And I agree that the best thing you can do Gina is to work with him to fix this separation that has developed and don't view yourself and your child is number #2, you all are a family and help him to see that if he is the one not seeing it..

Interesting story Snownose about the "making him pick between” thing.  My mom was not very rational when DH and I decided to move in together and she was picking fights with me right and left and it was getting to the point where I couldn't even have a conversation with her without things going bad.  She had screaming fights with me in public restaurants even.   I finally one day told her  "Mom.. HE is NOT making me decide between family and him and he harbors no feeling of hurt or resentment here, but you,  unfortunately do. Don't make me pick between you both. I will likely go with the person who isn't forcing me to make a decision between 2 people I care deeply about, so you probably won't like the results if I have to make a choice.”

She backed the hell off, and moved forward that very day and I have never had problems with her ever since. It is a crappy feeling to know that you are being forced to decide between 2 people, and is usually completely unnecessary.  
 
Edited for double post...

NM

NM

The issue that is sticking in my craw right now was that he totally crapped on my overture to acknowledge him yesterday...I didn't care about reciprocity. He is very expressive and emotionally available normally and I guess I am just confused about this apparent incongruency with his personality. I guess I just need to drop any expectations that I have and stop putting myself out there to get hurt. Granted, that shuts down my own creativity and self-expression so I'm not sure that's the right thing to do either. I have attachment that I can stand to let go of, I guess.

If that really is the one big issue you have the problem with....I would very strongly and emphatically suggest talking to him about what you're feeling. Don't make yourself the victim here. A marriage isn't a war. There are no winners and losers, so don't feel like you have to do something to "shut down your creativity and self expression".
So I suggest talking to him about it, with a clear and open mind, acknowledging that you both could probably give a little bit, he needs to see things from your side, and you from his. Its all about compromise, and since this really seems to be bothering you, and he is normally very emotionally available then do yourself, and him a favor by talking to him.

I know with my SO he can tell when something is bothering me, and for awhile he had a hard time asking "what's wrong?" when I don't talk to him about what's bothering me...then what happens is we both fester. I shut down because he hurt me and he doesn't ""nstincitively know why", or care enough to ask... and he shuts down because he's hurt that I don't trust him enough to talk to him about what is bothering me. Both sides have the wrong, preconcieved ideas. We learned early on that communication is absolutely key to a healthy relationship. 100% of the time.

Don't make yourself the victim here

 
This is IT...right here...all you need...IMO.
 
[sm=bravo.gif]

We learned early on that communication is absolutely key to a healthy relationship. 100% of the time.

 
That's what DH told me the whole time we were dating and now he thinks communication shouldn't last any longer than a commercial break.  Last week I said "well, since you change channels during the commercials, when am I supposed to talk?" and he just smiled []

Gina - is there anyway you can tell him how you feel?  However, lame they were (sorry, but they were kind of lame) our pre-cana marriage classes had some really good pointers on talking about the hard things.
 
1.  Never say never
2.  He can't make you feel anything - you have control over your feelings.  Maybe you could say that because as a couple you guys didn't do anything "out of the ordinary" you were a little disappointed.  Maybe offer to plan something special next year.  This might open up the discussion.
3.  Ask him why he isn't more excited about the drum.  Open by saying that you completely understand his lack of excitement in gifts, say that you don't expect anything, but just really wanted him to be excited about his gift.  Would he open up to that? 
 
The key is to get him talking.  Relationships start to break down when the talking stops.  Even fighting is better than not talking.  Once you stop talking you stop caring, and things never change.  I know it is an emotional time for you both right now and that makes everything harder. 
 
Or, as my mom always says, smack him upside the head and ask him what his problem is. []

Hi Gina,
I'm sorry that your anniversary yesterday sucked but CONGRATULATIONS!
 
To be honest with you I found the first couple of years the hardest due to a lot of reasons, now 7 years in I'm happier than ever.  The interesting thing is that my DH is the sentimental, planning things in advance type and I am much more spontanious and last minute.  Occasionally, he has presented me with a gift first thing in the morning and I feel really guilty about taking it because I was planning on shopping that day.  Over the years I learned to be ready for celebrating the moment I woke (also not my style).
 
The most important thing that I have learned is that if I assume that he knows what I want or expect, in any way, I will be wrong.  I'm not saying that your DH is like my DH but if I don't say "For my birthday this year I would like to have dinner with just you at an elegant restaurant" then he won't pick up on any number of hints.  I have to be very explicit in my expectations and he has told me that he appreciates that because it takes the guess work out of it.  I think that it ruins a good surprise but at the same time that surprise wouldn't be so great if he didn't know what to do.
 
I hope all your buddies here have given you some ease and that things seem better for you soon.  BTW - have you ever read the Mars/Venus books that Billy mentioned?  They can be very enlightening.
 
Good luck.

NM

Here is my third thing and I am sorry if I am misunderstanding you here, but it seems to me from this and other threads you have started that you view the children (his daughter and your future child) as "separate" and I believe this is only setting up a BAD situation.  HIS DAUGHTER should be JUST AS IMPORTANT to you as YOUR future child is to you. There should be no difference. If you TRULY love him, then you accept and love his dtr as though she was your own.. period and with no exceptions.  

 
I'm sorry if this has already been said, but you should REALLY take these words to heart.  Speaking as the stepdaughter in this scenario, I hated having to compete with my step parents "real kids".  There was blatant favouritism there and it made me extremely unhappy.  It made for a lot of resentments and arguments all round.  Try your utmost to value yr stepdaughter as you would yr own child.  It will be HARD and you may not succeed completely (pesky Mother Nature) but achieving a good relationship with her really is the best thing you can do on so many levels.

Gina, as a woman married for 31 years, let my give you a "Little Gem" that I learned away too late in life. ALWAYS PLAN SOMETHING IN ADVANCE. If you want to do something with your DH to celbrate a special day, plan it and let him know. Don't anticipate a 'surprise'. Men don't do surpises well. Expect nothing and you won't be dissapointed as they say. The nice part is on the rare occassion they do surprise you, it is much nicer than getting a gift that he felt obligated to buy. Now men start out usually being pretty good about special days. Their interest seems to wane(sp?) over time. But believe me, you lifting the burden of him having to come up with something 6 or 7 times a year ( a lot for men! LOL ), that will be the best gift you could give him. May you have a long and happy marriage!

Will you back me up on this one fellows?

ORIGINAL: denise m

Will you back me up on this one fellows?

I certainly will. 

I will buy you whatever you want.  I will bless you buying youself whatever you want.  I will do whatever you want.  But don't expect me to remember or do something spontaneous.  You are sitting yourself up to be disappointed.  I certainly don't want to disappoint you, dear wife.

When Gina said she knew her husband hadn't spaced their anniversary because they had talked about it A LOT, I was like...duh...so?  []
 
ETA:  Gina, when you and your hubby were talking about your upcoming anniversary, you know what almost certainly DID NOT go through his head?  The thought, "I need to get something for her."

Chuffy brings up an excellent point, children left after a divorsce are always the ones that suffer the most......
 
Gina , I know you have a big heart and I know you would never want this child to go through anything bad, put the nasty feelings for the ex aside and think about how much more DH would appreciate you if you became a team with him........but, you are right, he needs to stand up to his responsibility and get the insurance situation straightened out, you and your future child need to be taken care of, also[]

Now men start out usually being pretty good about special days. Their interest seems to wane(sp?) over time.

 
Okay, not to pick on Gina's husband or anything, but seriously this was their 1st anniversary.  I'd be hurt too and based on what Gina's saying, it doesn't necessarily sound like this was a typical husband checking out on the important event.  I think there's more to it and having a little chat about it, might clear the air. 
 
Denise - I totally agree with planning something special in advance though and that's what I usually do. It's my opportunity to try out a nice restaurant we wouldn't probably go to normally.