NM

Gina - That sucks!!!  I am so sorry.  I am sure it is not a reflextion of his love for you.  Talk to him about your disappointment...don't make it sound like he "ruined the anniversary" even if you think he did, maybe you can do a redo???

NM

Sounds like your typical Mars - Venus thing to me.  The reason he didn't open your gift right away is because he hadn't gotten anything for you.  He had, in all likeliyhood, completely spaced your anniversary.  He was forced to scramble.  Been there, done that.  In short, he doesn't care about your anniversary.  Get over it and move on.  That's just the way SOME of us men are.
 
Frankly, what concerns me most is your comments about his child support and having his ex as beneficiary on his insurance policies.  If you can remove yourself from the situation and look at this from afar, does this sound like a man who was ready for another marriage?

Ok.. Gina here is my two cents.. like it or not…lol!  (and sorry for the length.. I have a lot of points I want to make so humor me for a minute..lol!)
 
His actions are very typical “guy” behavior.  The anniversary dates, valentines day, etc… they are NOT seen by most men the way that women see them.  To us, we need to celebrate it as a sign that are love is still strong, that we are as committed to one another and guys just don#%92t place that much importance on it.  For some men, they kinda figure, that we “know” they love us and are committed to us or else they wouldn#%92t be sticking around.  
 
DH and I aren#%92t legally married but have been together over 12 years and while we don#%92t celebrate anniversaries, I don#%92t think there has been ANY holiday or special occasion where he hasn#%92t been running out the day of or the night before to get a card and a gift (and half the time I don#%92t get cards). Usually when I do get a cards it is the same “Happy ___(fill in the holiday here)___day.. love you babe!” and that is it. After 12 years I finally got an incredibly sweet card this past Valentines Day and it said “ You are my life, my love and the best part of me.  I love you babe”   And it brought tears to my eyes and he was shocked by that and didn#%92t understand why.  When I explained to him that this is the first card he has ever shown such emotion in all these years and so it was very touching.. he said “It is pretty much the same thing I put in all my cards to you. This one is no different.  I always say pretty much the same thing”   SEE MY POINT????  He doesn#%92t even realize that the other cards showed almost no emotion.   A second example of this…. A couple nights ago, we were ermmm… intimate… and out of no where he says “I love you babe” and I got a little choked up and he asked why and I said ”cuz you never say those words when we are intimate” and he said “I ALWAYS say that to you when we are intimate”.  See my point again.. they don#%92t even realize that they don#%92t express themselves the way they THINK they are.   He can#%92t see the difference because most men can#%92t Gina.  So don#%92t take it personal.   Women need to feel loved and valued in a very different way than most men are capable of doing so don#%92t take any of this crap personal as a sign that he doesn#%92t feel the same about you.
 
Ok, so now on to my other points.  I TOO have some concerns over the insurance thing.  You have been married a year now and I don#%92t know how long his divorce was final before you two got married, but his ex should NOT be on those policies and it concerns me that he didn#%92t make that change a year ago, AND that you have tolerated his ex being on the policy as long as you have.  As far as the child support, I don#%92t know how much he is paying, but it IS expensive… DH paid out the A$$ for his kids and "we" did without for many years because that is his responsibility. You can check on the amount but TBH, it might not be that far off of what he should be paying.
 
Here is my third thing and I am sorry if I am misunderstanding you here, but it seems to me from this and other threads you have started that you view the children (his daughter and your future child) as "separate" and I believe this is only setting up a BAD situation.  HIS DAUGHTER should be JUST AS IMPORTANT to you as YOUR future child is to you. There should be no difference. If you TRULY love him, then you accept and love his dtr as though she was your own.. period and with no exceptions.   Just my opinion here, speaking from being a stepmom for a long time now.  It sounds to me like you both have some issues that you need to work on within this relationship to make a very strong, healthy and loving family for all 4 of you.  I wish you guys a lot of luck. []

NM

I'm real sorry that your anniversary wasn't what you'd hoped it would be. I did have to laugh about the the writing you'd done in the book and your DH not wanting to even read it.  My husband tells me not to buy the cards that go on and on cause they take too long to read.  He says he likes the ones that just say "Happy ________" and that's it [].  I really do think that we sometimes expect things from men that are very unrealistic and more importantly, we sometimes expect them to act totally different than how we know they are.  I'm not accusing you of that Gina, but I've personally done it and I've seen many of my friends do it.  For example, we marry men who aren't sentimental and then complain that they aren't sentimental [8|].  I do think that we're all capable of change, but it takes time and it takes great diplomacy.  It sounds like there's a lot of other stuff going on right now and with the baby coming soon, I'm guessing hormones are raging and there's some nervousness and tension for both of you.  Try not to let things get blown out of proportion.  Sounds like you two just need to sit down and have a nice dinner and chat about some things.
 
 

NM

Shelly, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I get what you are saying about the emotional thing but my DH is not like this. He is one of the most expressive men I've ever met and it's really rare to see him just totally blow off something that he has an opportunity to step into and really "show up". It's like he knows its a trigger for me, so he'll just let that happen to see what I do with it.

 
Gina - are you saying that he knew that it was your anniversary and that it was important to recognize it and do something but chose not to to get a reaction out of you?  You love him, right?  He's a good guy, right?  Why would he intentionally do that?  Is he angry at you?  I guess I'm confused and the idea that he just forgot didn't seem like that big of a deal.
 

His actions are very typical “guy” behavior.  The anniversary dates, valentines day, etc… they are NOT seen by most men the way that women see them. 

 
While I think that Shelly's statement is somewhat true, it doesn't apply to all men.  My DH is quite likely to have an anniversary gift bought for me now (anniversary's in Oct).  He's extremely thoughtful and generous for birthdays, Christmas, etc. and I actually have to be really careful about what I comment on. If I see something and say "gee, that's really pretty", it's likely to be wrapped and under the tree. 

NM

That does suck!!!

I don't have a lot of advice for you, but it's definitely understandable that you're upset. Don't be afraid to wait a few days to talk to your husband about it if you're still feeling really upset - maybe once you calm down a little and get some perspective on the situation you will be better equipped to talk, and more importantly to listen to him.

If my BF had done what your DH had done, it would be a strong signal to me that something was really upsetting him that he wasn't telling me about. If I were you, I would investigate that angle first. Did you maybe say or do something the day before that might have hurt him? Did his ex-wife do something, maybe? Did your anniversary have some sort of additional emotional significance to him that you wouldn't think of right away? Maybe he is even still feeling guilty over not staying with his ex, and the anniversary was a reminder of that? Maybe he just plain was sick.

I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally until you get a chance to really sit down with him and talk to him about it. In the meantime try not to "wallow," but call on all of your girlfriends, bitch to them, and go out and do something fun. That always helps me feel better. []

Gina - are you saying that he knew that it was your anniversary and that it was important to recognize it and do something but chose not to to get a reaction out of you? You love him, right? He's a good guy, right? Why would he intentionally do that? Is he angry at you? I guess I'm confused and the idea that he just forgot didn't seem like that big of a deal.

 
Cathy I am glad you said this cuz I was sitting her trying to figure out how to delicately put the comments you just made and you did a FAR better job than I.  I also don't see why he would intentionally do this. I don't get the feelings from previous posts of your Gina that he would "sabotage" your anniversary.  he seems to have a good and caring heart and have good intentions in his life... so this just doesn't make sense.
 
Awwww.. Cathy that is sweet of your dh... [sm=floating.gif]   can he give mine lessons?? []  I actually found out from my coworkers that for a few years when dh would call to talk to me at the office, they would purposely ask him what his plans were for my b-day or valentines day... cuz they were worried he would "forget" lmao!   His dtr one year told him "dad.. you need to have flowers delivered to Shel's work for V-day.. women really LIKE to have flowers at work, it makes them feel special and loved and it makes them feel good that others can SEE just how special and loved they are”.  He had NEVER even thought of that before.  SO I guess you can say my DH is notorious for being a crappy holiday and special event guy huh?  LOL! 
 

anniversary's aren't a huge deal around here...we do gifts sometimes...depending on how finances are. IMO some anniversaries are a big deal....first, tenth, fifteenth maybe...20th definitely, etc...
 
I'm not a romantic gal...and what Shel/JJs posted rings true here...men are different...it's really an exercise in futility to get upset about it.
 
Because it's not about you, meaning it's not a reflection on their commitment to you or the relationship...thinking that is projecting WOMAN thought onto MAN action...it's how they are wired on IMO a DNA based level. I love men...the way they are...and I can respect that they forget things or don't shop weeks in advance, or at all if I don't lol. No big.

Opening gifts may be painful for him...not because of anything that you have done, but because of something in his past.

My SO's mother is bi-polar and only just recently started taking medication. Every birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas...from the time he was 10 until he moved out...she would end up kicking him out of the house. Every birthday that began as a celebration of his life, turned into a "Be Thankful I Gave Birth to You" day. When we were first dating, I could not figure out why he didn't get excited about these celebrations. Finally he told me about it all and he told me that he never wants to get excited about any of those occasions because for so long they only ended in bitter, bitter disappointment and feelings of being unloved.

He's had anniversarys before...with an ex-wife that sounds less than pleasant. Could those memories be causing a lack of enthusiasm?

I don't tend to think he sabotaged the anniversary.  I think he just didn't do anything about it because he doesn't care.  You said he did the same thing on your birthday last year.  What you are seeing is NOTHING AGAINST YOU.  It's just the way he is.  I am JUST LIKE HIM.  I do not think his behavior is atypical.  Hell's bells, I am damned near perfect and this is pretty much how I handle those "special" [:'(] days.  []
 
My wife and I don't really do the gift giving thing.  We already have everything we need and most everything we want.  We don't see the need to spend money just to be giving a gift.
 
First, let me say, your husband is being irresponsible for not getting the beneficiary changed on his life insurance policy.  I think you need to be on him like stink on a hog until he gets this handled.  If he dies there is nothing you can do to keep his ex from getting his life insurance benefit. 
 
Believe it or not, I even see where your hubby is coming from on the child support thing.  If his income hasn't changed significantly, I can't imagine how his child support payment could be wrong.  These things are usually pretty straight forward.  Many states have online child support calculators.  You might want to check that out. 
 
I guess I am not real sure what your issue is with his CS payment.  You surely knew that he had a CS payment.  I can't imagine you guys got married without you knowing how much his CS payment was.  Armed with that knowledge, you guys made the decision to get pregnant and now you want to whine because you married a man who honors his committment.  Due respect, cry me a river.  I understand that paying CS is a financial burden, but it isn't forever and if you were married to me and you were always bitching about my CS payment, well, I would be irritated.