Calling off my engagement . . .

Sylvia - I think many of us have been down the road you're on and there's no way my or anyone else's advice is going to make it easier, but know you're not alone.  Please don't make the mistake (sort of) that I did.  I live here in Sacramento too.  I packed up and moved to Georgia (boyfriend was an Air Force Capt BUT he was from Pittsburgh, PA and we'd have ended up there for sure).  I quit my job with the feds (at McClellan) and shipped my car, my furniture, bought a plane ticket..all on my own dime cause he was broke (heavy drinker).  The only way I'd agree to move there was if he quit drinking, so he started going to AA.  Only a few weeks after I got there though, he started talking about how he was "cured" - HA!  I mentally started packing again then.  Within 5 months, he'd gotten ugly drunk twice and that was enough.  I packed up and moved back.  I couldn't get my job back (McClellan was closing) and had to stay with a friend until I could get a job and apartment...anyway, sorry to go on, but honestly, do NOT make a move if you have even a tiny bit of doubt about the relationship. 
p.s. I'm also an Aries []
p.s.s. Happy ending to this story is, I ended up getting a job with the state that is much better paying.  Met a truly wonderful guy and have been married over 4 years and we have a great home (which I'd never have had with the other guy cause he was so in debt).  And I got to stay in my home state of California, which I love!

{{hugs}}
 
You already know what you need to do.  From the BTDT club,  good thoughts.

Thank you all so much. It's been extremely difficult to come to this decision. I feel sad, but not in the way that I felt with past break-ups. This just feels so different. I feel so let down and disappointed. I feel sad for something that never really was and probably never will have been. I think this is a different sadness too because I still love him. I really do. I just know that I need to walk away from this though. I've never left someone I still loved. It really is the death of a dream and it's still just so hard for me to accept.
 
I know what I have to do though. At least I won't have to deal with the physical part of the break up though. He already lives there and I here so there won't be anybody moving out of anyone's apartment. There won't be the chance of running into him anywhere here in Sac. The apartment I live in now, he never lived in with me so there's no memories haunting me at my current apartment. I won't be envisioning him on the couch or anything because he was never there.
 
Thanks again. This has helped. A lot actually. The only people who allow me to vent are my two best-friends, but it's different when you get feedback from people who aren't so used to hearing about your situation. Thank you.

Wow . . . here's my horoscope for today, from MSN.com.  April 25, 2006

A decision may need to be made today that appears to require logic and practicality, Sylvia, but you might find that no matter how hard you try, your feelings get in the way. Don't fight it. Sometimes it's best to step back and try to discern why your emotions are interfering. Is there a hidden factor you may not be considering? Are you aware of all the facts? Contemplate all possible contingencies before making a final commitment.

Awwww,  I don't have any words of wisdom to offer...I just wish you the best in what ever you decide.

My daughter is 22 and she called off her engagement, for about the same reasons.  She has not once regretted it and she found a few months later a great guy that is 30, he is very mature, college grad with a great job.  She has never been happier.  So if he's not the guy for you don't hesitate to call it off.  As I told my daughter there are plenty of great men out there, don't settle.  Lisa

Ash, since you do not live together, maybe you want to give yourself some time and space. If it is truely meant to be, than it will be.
I have beem in a relationship with someone for 13 years now and love him to death but I love to love him at a distance, meaning we don't live together. We have talked about getting married but I like to avoid the subject, been there done that and not sure I ever want to do it again.
If you need time, take the time, it will only help you see more clearly and when you finally make a decision, you won't have any regrets.
Good luck and great bigs hugs coming to you.

You didn't fail at anything. Not everyone is right for everyone else...that's just a fact of life. Two people can care about one another and even love one another but still not be the right fit. Please don't think there is only one person that is right for you in this whole wide world. That to me just doesn't seem logical or realistic so I don't think that way. When people discover they aren't a good fit together...it is nobody's fault and it doesn't make either or both of them bad people. That's just the way it is.

Please look on this as a life lesson and carry what you've learned into future relationships. You have grown and really made an important discovery and decision that I believe will take you down better roads in your future. Good luck and be strong. If he acts like he doesn't care then that's on him. You have failed at nothing.

A lightbulb has gone off for you...congratulations and big hugs to you.
[sm=clapping%20hands%20smiley.gif]

My first wife passed away July 28, 1992. I spent a year starting each day with making a conscious decision to live, giving myself little projects to see through, etc. I have been in some deep, dark places where you don't ever want to go.Hell would be an upgrade from there. I swore I would never marry again.
 
April 29, 2000, I got married again.
 
Always have hope.
 
If you free yourself from this unworkable situation, you will have the time, energy, and heart to find someone that you can be with. In the same breath, if you don't find someone else to be with, that's fine, too. Your mental and physical health are paramount. Personally, I think you're going to find someone that suits you perfectly. He may not look like Mel Gibson or Brad Pitt but he's going to love you like its' going out of style. And he's going to help you spoil your dogs pure-D rotten.
 

Sylvia, I have no words of wisedom for you & I'm a little late to this thread.  I just want to give you some ((HUGS)) and send good vibes your way.

ORIGINAL: ashland

When I think about how inconsiderate he is, it makes me sad to know I've stuck around this long. He even enlisted in the Marine Reserve Corp without telling me. We were already engaged and one day he calls me and tells me he just enlisted and would be going to boot camp within a month and half. He didn't even think about how his decision would affect me and our future together. I was so blown away by it.

 
My dad did exactly the same thing to my mom!!![:@]  He never mentioned anything, but then one day he came home and said he had enlisted in the Air Force.  My mom was shocked.  She had to up and move and couldn't believe that such a big decision was made without any regard to her feelings.  Needless to say, Mom and Dad were divorced in a few years.
 
My mom remarried and has been married for 24 years.  My dad has married once since then, but of course it didn't last long.  He's 54, works at NASA, and is in great shape, and women have always fallen all over him.  I love my dad, but guess what??  He can't make any relationship work.  Why???  It's because he's so selfish!!
 
Now I'm venting.....when Grandpa was dying in the hospital and Grandma needed her medicine, my dad volunteered to go get the medicine.  I went with him.  As we left the hospital parking lot, I was so proud of my dad for actually doing something for someone else.  But guess what?  Dad had a reason he wanted to leave - he had to go look at a kayak at Wiley's that was possibly on sale.
 
Then a few days later when Grandpa did die one morning, everyone agreed to meet in Grandpa's hospital room by 8:00.  Now I know my dad was hurting, but he never called or anything.  We all sat in that hospital room, where Grandpa's open-mouthed body lay, waiting for over 3 hours!!!  I do love my dad, but he is so selfish.    
 
I'm sorry that I vented, but what I'm trying to tell you is that marriage is a serious thing.  Luckily you've realized that you can't change a person, so your fiance isn't going to change.
 
If this relationship bothers you this much that you've shared your feelings with all of us, then you're doing the right thing by calling off the engagement.  If you're already having second thoughts about this guy, just think how you'll feel in a few years if you do marry him.
 
You're not failing;  you're growing.  Now you know you need a man who will treat you like you should be treated.  Hang in there and continue to vent to us.  We've all been through some sort of failure in one way or another, so do what you need to do and move on.  You deserve better!!!![]  

Ash, I think you are so wise!  I envy your guts! You know what is right and wrong, and are going to do something about it!  Something that a lot of people don't do soon enough. My son went with a girl for a couple of years, then they got engaged for a couple of years..had a beautiful wedding at a beautiful church that most people could not have (we knew the priest) and everything went so well.   Within a few months I felt something was not right, and they were split by 6 months.  What a waste of time and money.   I sure wish either/or both of them would have been as wise as you!
Good luck!

I've been watching/reading your thread, Ash, I admire and envy your guts. Way to go, Lady!  I dated a toad like the one you are dumping because we were so incompatible I finally realized that I deserved way better.  By the time I was so fed up with him, TADAHH I was pregnant.  He put me through hell-o and now we have committed to co-parenting our son.  I do not fool myself into thinking that he and I are ever going to be in love, or on the same page.  He is immature, stunted, self centered, etc.  I have known him about four years now, and he hasn't really grown up one bit. I am only telling you this so that you will see that you are indeed making a very wise decision and don't look back.   I don't want my kids to suffer from my foolishness anymore.  I hope you find a very very good man who will grow old with you.     Wait a little before dating again, skip the rebounder relationship entirely.  []   Love to all.   Jules

I have been in your shoes
I should have called off my engagement.. It was all right there.
Was with him since i was 16, married at 23 divorced at 24. You are making the right choice. It is hard to walk away, but you are the only one who can make you happy. I learned the hard way.. I didn't NEED us.. I NEEDED me and there was no ME in that relationship.
Im my situation he did care.. and made life very difficult. He swore to me that I would never make it without him ...
 
Now I am about to turn 27, I have a great job that I adore, I'm about to go back to school for my masters and I have a great Man in my life!
 
Follow your heart, Do what is right for you []

I used to listen to a shrink on the radio who always said, when you get out of a long term relationship, you should wait AT LEAST a year before you start dating again.  No going out with someone for coffee or a movie, no letting someone fix you up with a friend, NOTHING, for a year.  It lets you prove to yourself that you can be alone and helps you to grow.  I took that advice, when I divorced, after a 24 year marriage.  There are, I concluded, worse things than being alone, although being alone is plenty bad.