Calling off my engagement . . .

When my previous "relationship" officially ended, I was very depressed.  Just moved to a new place, ex-BF was a jerk, etc... BUT I learned to live and to find things I enjoy doing and doing them when I wanted to.  If I wanted ice cream and movie for dinner, so be it.  There are TONS of advantages to being single, especially at a young age. 

The most important thing I learned was that no one would love me, until I learned to love myself.  Meaning be happy with who I am, what I do, and what I like to do!  Then I found a similar soul to be with.    If I had stayed with my ex, who knows where I'd be right now.... 

Thank you all so much. He didn't call me again last night and didn't answer when I called him so I emailed him telling him that I needed to talk to him. He wrote me back this morning saying that he's been really busy (he doesn't have a job so I don't know with what) and that he'll call tonight.
 
I'm sad and scared. Probably more scared because I don't know how I'll really feel until it's been done. I keep wondering if I'll feel sad, lost, relieved, happy, . .  I don't know. I hate being sad and wallowing, although my best friend is a firm believer in wallowing for at least 2 weeks afterwards. I'm not. I have always occupied my time in times like this. I try to keep as busy as possible.
 
I'm scared that when it's been done, I'll constantly be thinking about him and what he's doing. I'm worried I'll be wanting to call him and all that pathetic stuff. All of my behavior and actions as of right now suggest that I won't behave that way. That I won't call and that I won't be constantly thinking about him, but I'm still scared that it could. I've never done that with past relationships before. Like I said, I usually occupy my time so well that I don't even think about calling or think about that person. But things are different this time. All of my friends have major things going on in their lives right now and I won't be able to hang out with them like I would have before. I live alone now and not with him or 4 roommates like I did before.
 
I'm just nervous. I know I'm making the right decision. Everything in me tells me I am. I have learned so much from this relationship about myself and what I want in a companion.  . . and what I don't want. [] 
 
Man. . . . I really wanted this to be done with today and now I have wait until tonight.
 
Thanks again guys.
 

I really admire your courage for making this tough decision and sticking to it.  It can be very hard to realize that its just not going to work. You are very strong and I know you can do this...  seems strange that he doesnt answer when you call...

I edited b/c I had this big long post about my own relationship.... its good and its bad, and I know there are a lot of things with us that need to change, but we do have a lot of good times.  I decided to delete it b/c there were so many missing facts it just was not an accurate description... that would take too long.  And he has been grouchy today and its that time of the month for me... so its not a good time for me to be describing him to you lol.  Any relationship needs to be worked on, and this guy doent sound like its worth his time and thats not fair to you at all... and hanging on to a dream is the way to set yourself up for major disapointment.  Good Luck!

Good luck, we'll all keep good thought for you! 

Do you have any girlfriends that would want to go out ?  I made a bunch of friends when I was going thru my break-up and we went out all the time and had a blast.  None of us really wanted to be involved with anyone, so we just had a good time.  The group actually included a few guys and we'd all go dancing on the weekend, have BBQs together on Sundays, etc.  It was a really fun time.  I learned to say "yes" to every opportunity to do something, even if it didn't sound all that great.  It always beat sitting home alone and feeling blue, and often turned out to be a lot more fun than I'd anticipated.

Yeah, that's what I've done before. I would go out with  my friends all the time. This time, however, it's a little bit different. 4 of my really good friends have moved to San Diego. My best-friend is helping her boyfriend deal with the death of his sister and my other best-friend is dealing with the death of her mom. I don't want to burden them with the task of helping me stay occupied. Although, my friend who lost her mother has been coming over and I've been going over there a lot so in a way, it will keep my mind off myself and on her.
 
My mother is going into surgery on May 11th so I'll have to take be with her for a few weeks after that. I also am walking for the March of Dimes walk this Saturday and I just signed up to walk for the Sacramento SPCA Annual Doggy Dash on June 10th. A little ways away, but still. []
 
I just filled out a volunteer packet for the SPCA as well so hopefully I can start doing that as well. I always do have my dog, Ash, to be with me too. I was also waiting on going back to school since I had been planning on moving to PA to be with him, but since that's not going to happen I'm going to register for summer classes. Tomorrow night I'm going to a meeting at the local community college for those who are returning to school and I've already set up a meeting with a school counselor.
 
Geez, listing it all off makes it sound like I'm trying way too hard to stay busy, but oh well. [] 

Ash, your right you WILL be thinking of him when its over, and you WILL be wondering what he is doing, and where he is and all that. And you know what, he will probably be wondering the same about you.  BUT that doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision, that just means your normal.  I am happy that you are busy these next weeks. Hey stay strong girl... I wish you the best!

A visit to San Diego sometime in the near future would be nice (I love San Diego!).  The other friends are in crisis right now too, but you all will be coming out of it soon.  Keep as busy as you can.  It sure helped me.  I took classes too, started scrapbooking, started journal writing, went to some plays...etc.  I don't know about you, but I put a LOT of my life on hold with my long distance relationship.  It's time to take the hold button off and focus on you and the things that please you.   It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and the things you've got planned are not just good for you but for the community too.  You're going to be just fine - if you need to look in the mirror and repeat that over and over, then honestly, do that....and hey, our weather is finally nice right?

O.K. . . . I talked to him. The whole day leading up to it, I thought I was ready to just get it out and do it and that it wouldn't be that hard to do, but I was wrong. It was so hard. It comes close to being the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
 
He was quiet as I spoke and then he told me how he felt too. He said that he knew he still loved me, but that he knew our relationship was going downward. He surprised the hell out of me by saying that he wasn't ready to just let go though. He said that he wanted to at least try and take a break. His definition of break was that we would still be commited to each other, but we wouldn't talk for a certain amount of time and that we would evaluate things and see if this is something that we really want to try and make work.
 
I was tempted to do this, but in the end, I knew that at the end of the month (the time that he wanted to break) we would just be back at where we are now. I understood and appreciated what he was saying and wanting to do, but I just think that it's inevitable. I told him that everything I've said to him about how I feel and the things that frustrate me about him (inconsideration, selfishness, dishonesty, etc) are not new. I've brought all of this to his attention multiple times before and nothing has ever changed. There is no indication that it ever will. It's basically too late.
 
He was not happy about this. He said he wasn't aware that I felt this strongly and that I was this unhappy. I said it's because he's too self-absorbed and selfish to really listen and hear what I've been saying all these months. He asked me if I still love him and I said yes, I do, but I can't keep compromising myself and my happiness for someone who has shown me they don't care as much.
 
He asked again for the break and every time I was more and more tempted to try it. I thought, "what would it hurt? it's just a month and maybe he will change and realize that he wants to try it and then even if he realizes that he doesn't want to try and make it work, at least this way he and i would both know FOR SURE that this isn't what we want right now".  . . .wow that was a long run-on sentence.
 
I even almost told him to let me think about it overnight and I was gonna ask you guys if you think I should do the break thing.  . . . . I still wonder if I should've said yes, but in the end, I told him no. I told him that if after a month or however long, he realizes that he wants to step up and try this, then he can get in touch with me but that from this point on, I was moving on with my life. I was going back to school and moving forward and I wasn't going to keep the pause button on. I'm not holding any expectations that he will call and I'm not making any promises as to how I would respond should he actually do so.
 
So there you have it. The best way that I can describe my feelings are . . .  numb. I feel numb. I still wonder if I should've done the break, but I all past history and experience has told me that he won't change. If this were the first time I had ever brought this to his attention, then I'd probably have done it. It's not though and it's not my fault he never listened or took me seriously all the times before.
 
Now the recovery process begins . . . []

Lots of hugs coming your way!
 
I think you did the right thing...just like you told him, if he feels like he wants to give it another go, he can contact you, and you can make a decision then.  As for now, you can take your life off pause and that is really probably what you really need right now.  If he truly does want to change, then he will me more inclined to do so knowing that you are gone...and not just waiting. 
 
I admire your strength.  It takes a lot to make a decision like this.  I feel certain that you will come out ahead in the long run!     

You handled that with great strength and dignity.  Now's the time to take extra special care of yourself.  I'm sure you know this, but emotions can be pretty unpredictable for awhile now.  One minute a feeling of relief and the next sadness...and then even panic (did I do the right thing?).  It'll all settle down soon though. 

Ash huny why on earth are you so hooked on this guy who is way more important to you than you are to him? Go back and read this whole thread again.  He isn't pursuing you, you are pursuing him.  He would be marrying you to be his mamma.  You would be sick and resentful of it in no time short.  It is not enough to be in love to marry some guy who clearly needs to grow up, get a life, and some priorities in order.  You being in love will not fix all that.  I went thru months of mooning after a guy just like yours.  So many times I wanted to call him but I didn't and if I had, yikes...disaster.  Think of him as meth, you may crave it, but it's waaayyy bad for you.  If I described my son's daddy to you, you would think I had met your guy.   Jules

I just wanted to commend you on your strength through all of this. I very much admire the self worth and dicipline you have. It sounds like you are an extremely mature person and I wish you the best during these stressful times.

I think you did the right thing. Hugs to you and big pats on the back for listening to your gut instinct and sticking to what you know to be true for you. I believe that you are right and that a month is not going to change the things that made you unhappy about the relationship. It wasn't just that he was this, this and this. It was that you and he had different priorities in life and in the relationship, and also different values about what type of person you want to BE, and what type of person you want to be WITH. Sorry if I'm preaching. Just my opinions. []

Yes you will think about him and wonder what he's doing etc but just remind yourself that's b/c it's a habit. It takes awhile to change habits.

[sm=peace.gif]

I also think you did the right thing.   Had you agreed to a "break" after all that I think it would once again (to him) discredit your word... it would reassure him that he CAN in fact talk you into waiting and then not change.  He heard your talks before, I know they hear us, but thy also know that if they dont change we are still not gonna go anywhere.  I truely believe thats how some men think... and the more they get away with just saying what you want to hear but not actually doing anything, the less likely they are going to be to ever take you seriously.  Well, he takes you seriously now, he knows you are not going to be a pushover OR settle for someone whos not putting ALL the effort necessary.
 
I bet he has respect for you for this, and I bet he totally understands what he has done to cause this.  It really is too bad they wait until its too late or are just unable to adjust themselves in order to make it work even though they know what you want of them.  Although relationships are hard, they are not THAT hard... and you will find a man who makes it work just as you do and you will be so glad you did this.
 
Good Job!  You are very strong, and will get through this!