Dog Community

Calling off my engagement . . .

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:28:21 PM

Well, I'm gonna do it. I don't know when, but I am. There's no doubt about that.

I don't understand why I have continued to intentionally ignore or make excuses for the fact that my fiancee is inconsiderate, selfish, spoiled, irresponsible and insecure. I have known these things, but chose to believe that we could work through our problems and that he would change. He's lied to me and been manipulative. I don't understand what my problem is.

When he came into my life, I honestly believed we were meant to be together. I didn't believe in soulmates and all of that stuff. In fact, I wasn't even sure that I would ever want to get married. I'm not saying I didn't want a commited relationship at some point in my life, but marriage was something I wasn't sure I wanted. I'd been in commited relationships before and I knew what it felt like to be in love. Then he came along and my whole defintion and perception of love changed. I felt as if he was "the one" and he felt the same way. And it was this belief that I have continued to so pathetically hold on to throughout this relationship.

I have held on to this belief because I had never felt this way before. I had never imagined spending the rest of my life with someone. I ignored all the red flags and forgave all the lies and mistakes. I desperately wanted to continue to see him as the person and man I thought he was.

I've thought to myself, "What if I break up with him and he really is the one that I was supposed to be with? What if this takes me down the wrong life path? What if I'm throwing away something that could be so great and wonderful?" . . . . . I'm tired. I feel drained by this relationship and I can't see him changing. We currently don't even live in the same state, but I was supposed to move there this November. he still lives at home with his dad (he's going to be 27 in August), but he has no real reason to be. He's completely comfortable there and instead of saving money to buy his own home or something, he buys flat screen tvs and paint guns. He buys digital cameras and dvds. He's trying to buy a motorcycle now and I just don't understand how he can be buying these things when I'm supposed to be moving there in November.

Our priorities are different. I've always made him a priority in my life and I don't feel as if I'm one for him.

. . . . I should get back to work. I just needed to vent. . . . .

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:36:41 PM

Ash, please stop RIGHT NOW wondering what *your problem* is. You are not the one with the problem - he is. It sounds to me like he never really grew up and unless you really want to be raising a 27 year old child, you're making the right decision. If you're meant to be together, things will change and somewhere down the line, you will be. If you're not, best you deal with it now instead of later.

Firestorm

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:37:04 PM

Have you discussed your feelings and thoughts about his behaviors and such? Maybe give one final ultimatum if you love him that much. Tough situation I wish the best for you!

ashland

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:51:27 PM

Oh yes, we've had many dicussions. I've told him how I feel and what it is that bothers me. I've also told him that I feel as if I'm the only one trying to make this work and that it takes two to make a relationship work. I've realized that he doesn't listen to me. The times I think he's listening, he's tuning me out. I ask him to tell me if there's something I'm doing or not doing that is making this worse so that I can do my part and try to change or modify my own behaviors. I honestly don't know what more I can do or say. I've said it all.

I'm never quick to blame the other person. My mother always taught me to always look at yourself first and see what you've done to contribute to something before always placing blame on someone else, but I honestly have to tell you, I really feel like this relationship has failed because of him. I'm not perfect, but I'm honest, loyal, open, caring, and considerate.

I don't think I can say or do anymore. I've given him and us more than enough opportunities to change things. I'm starting to become indifferent and slowly, very slowly, have begun to let go of this belief I had that he was it. That he was the one.

I just started thinking, "If he hasn't heard me or listened, what makes me think he will change? Is this the kind of man I want to be married too? Is this the kind of marriage I want? Do I really want to move to Pennsylvania for this kind of relationship?"

I've stayed this long soley because of my naive faith that things would turn out how I thought they should and because I really do love him. I just can't keep wasting my time and that's what I feel like I'm doing.

Prince_Pride

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:54:17 PM

ORIGINAL: fuzzy_dogs_mom

Ash, please stop RIGHT NOW wondering what *your problem* is. You are not the one with the problem - he is. It sounds to me like he never really grew up and unless you really want to be raising a 27 year old child, you're making the right decision. If you're meant to be together, things will change and somewhere down the line, you will be. If you're not, best you deal with it now instead of later.

[sm=clapping%20hands%20smiley.gif]Well said!! Sounds alot like my ex-bf. At 27yrs old, still living with mom, good paying job but would rather pay for toys than grow up and be a man. He wouldn't even make phone calls to stores or places to find out their hours! I would have to do that for him! [sm=no%20no%20smiley.gif]

Ash, don't burn yourself out anymore. Please. I have been there before - it took 4 years of my life to realize we had completely different goals but am so glad I finally did realize it. I am now married to a wonderful MAN. Also I hear from old friends that he is still doing the same thing, even still living with mom almost 4yrs later! If they haven't changed by now, they never will!

Firestorm

Posted : 4/25/2006 1:56:28 PM

If you have done all that then break it off immediately and save yourself the pain. Its gonna hurt anyways but the quicker you bail the quicker you can get back to normal and move on. Be quick and don't put it off any longer...call him asap and tell him.

ashland

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:03:06 PM

You know, there have been times when I have wanted to post in this thread about how I feel about this and then I start writing the post and I just stop because as I read what I write, I become embarrassed that I've put up with so much.

When I think about how inconsiderate he is, it makes me sad to know I've stuck around this long. He even enlisted in the Marine Reserve Corp without telling me. We were already engaged and one day he calls me and tells me he just enlisted and would be going to boot camp within a month and half. He didn't even think about how his decision would affect me and our future together. I was so blown away by it.

My mom never really says anything, but last week, she said, "You know, you don't really talk to me about him and I know I never say anything, but he's disappointed me Sylvia and I'm hoping that you will eventually realize that you deserve better." I couldn't even say anything back to that. It crushed me to realize that it's true.

Firestorm

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:06:34 PM

Call him today and tell him it is OVER! Don't put it off any longer.

Prince_Pride

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:08:46 PM

ORIGINAL: ashland

When I think about how inconsiderate he is, it makes me sad to know I've stuck around this long. He even enlisted in the Marine Reserve Corp without telling me. We were already engaged and one day he calls me and tells me he just enlisted and would be going to boot camp within a month and half. He didn't even think about how his decision would affect me and our future together. I was so blown away by it.

[sm=eek.gif] WOW....that is all I have to say about that.

Firestorm has some good advice. The quicker it is done the faster you can move on with your life. You may feel like you are in a dark and scary place for a little while but trust me, it won't last long!

*hugs*

ashland

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:12:07 PM

I called him yesterday to tell him and he didn't answer or call me back. I called him this morning and he didn't answer either.

So, if I talk to him tonight, I'll tell him. I know this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but it's not the break-up that I'm scared of. I'm scared he's not even going to care. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't even think I'll tell him how I feel and why I'm doing this because I KNOW he won't care to hear it and I know that even if I did start speaking, he won't listen. He'll be quiet and then say something like, "O.K. . . . well, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Bye. " And that's giving him the benefit of the doubt that he would actually be that kind.

tashakota

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:21:14 PM

*hugs* I know how hard it can be. Just do it. What you are feeling is valid and true so follow through. He will plead and beg and says he'll change but if he hasn't, he won't. You can't change people that don't want to change, you can only change yourself. And changing yourself so much so you are not the same person anymore, is only good if you were sliding downhill fast.

tashakota

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:22:54 PM

And if he does that, then he definitely isn't worth it! So for therapy if that happens, you sit down with pen and paper, write him a long letter about how you feel, what a jerk he is and how he's a and then burn it. Start a nice little fire somewhere and burn it. Or rip it to shreds.

ashland

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:31:52 PM

I like the letter burning suggestion. [

]

Yeah, he won't beg or plead or anything. I know that for a fact. I'd bet my dog on it. That's how much I know it to be true. She means everything to me and for me to have that kind of confidence in his lack of caring should say something. He's very proud and has a huge ego. He's a Leo, for those of you into the zodiac. I'm an Aries. It was supposed to work. [

]

I hate to fail at anything and I think that's another reason I've dragged this out. I wanted to make sure that I tried everything possible. I told myself that if I ended it before moving there, then I didn't try. I need to at least move there and try it and if it doesn't work, then move back and then I will be able to know and say that I truly tried everything I could to make it work. My best friend said to me, "If you were just nervous about moving so far away, then I'd say go ahead and move and try it. But you're already having doubts about him and the relationship so moving there to try and save it would be a waste." I didn't see it that way until now.

ewin0210

Posted : 4/25/2006 2:57:10 PM

Ash, I don't think its possible that he won't care a little that you're breaking it off. But think of it this way. 5-10 years down the road he's going realize what a waste his life is, full of toys but no one to share them with. No life to speak of except his possessions. I think he'll realize at that point that he has centered his life on the wrong things and truly just missed the bus.
I think you deserve way better and I'm sure you'll find it! And remember, if he does passively accept your breakoff it is ABSOLUTELY NOT a reflection on you as a person. It IS ABSOLUTELY a reflection on his character. You breaking it off is a sign of your strength and determination to get what you want in life! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Emily

boneyjean

Posted : 4/25/2006 3:11:04 PM

It is so much easier said than done, but I think you should go with your gut on this one and call it off. You haven't failed at anything but making yourself happy in this relationship...it sounds like you give, give, give and he takes, takes, takes and has no appreciation for you. That may work for some people, but not most. It sounds like the only reason you are still with him is b/c you don't want your relationship to fail at your fault.....it sounds like it has already failed but that you have done everything you could to make it work so that is not the case. There are two people involved and not just one can make it work. It sort of sounds like you are holding on to the idea of what you wanted it to be, but it doesn't sound like it will ever be that. Look at the big picture here, it is you and your happiness. Who cares if the relationship didn't work out if you are a happier person in the long run. I think you do deserve better!

The fact of the matter is, if this guy does care, this might be the wakeup call he needs to change. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and if it is meant to be, it will be.

Also, the letter burning idea sounds like a great one! When DH and I were going through a rough patch, I would come home and b*tch out loud when he wasn't there to get it off my chest and the only person that heard it was me and Harley....Harely started thinking I was b*tching at him though so I stopped and started keeping a journal...I can't tell you how much that helped to just get it out!

Best of luck to you! We I-Doggers are here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate with depending on how you feel once it is done!