Is this wrong of me?

ORIGINAL: sharismom

how do you stay with someone who .... does not respect what I care about??

I cut this apart for a reason.  Today it is the environment, other people, charity; tomorrow it will be something else that you care about that he does not respect.  Does he make fun of what you care about? 

If you stay in a relationship because you are afraid of hurting the other party and end up hurting yourself instead, you will regret the time you wasted trying to keep things together.  Does he think you two have issues to work out, or is he clueless about the things you resent about him? 

Denise M makes a very good point, too, as hard as that may be to swallow.

 
Yes he does criticize me for giving to charity, and I am majoring in Environmental Studies and Politics and he has told me he thinks that is pointless.  He is also extreamly racist, and is not shy about commenting on how he feels about that.
 
Last week I told him that we needed to talk and that things had changed between us and he was clueless, he said he thought everything was fine.
 
And then he said that he would change....but I have a hard time believing someone can change their personality.
Not to mention since then he still makes comments about those things.

ORIGINAL: cakana

Ashley - aren't you about 20 or 21?  You're so very young to be thinking about forever and ever.  I stayed in relationships longer than I should've because of not wanting to hurt the other person, but it's truly not fair to either of you.  He will be hurt and maybe even angry, but he'll be fine.  I would let him know how much you care about him and want to remain friends, but that you're just not in love with him anymore.  Just a word of advice from someone older and hopefully wiser, but give yourself some time after this before you move into another serious relationship.  Try to enjoy the "unattached" feeling for awhile []

 
Yes, I'm 19. Thats part of the thing also, he seems to think that finding someone to be with the rest of his life is just so simple. I think it has to do with the fact that his parents got married very young and they do not seem to have a good relationship either.
 
I am afraid I'll look back on this and wonder why I did not enjoy my "young years." And although I love him I know I can not stay with someone because I am afraid I will hurt them.

Staying with someone b/c of fear of hurting their feelings is not the right reason to stay. I have been there, done that, and let me tell you, leaving was the best thing I could have done. It took alot of guts and courage on my part to finally leave, but the relationship was dead. He did not respect my feelings and I lost respect for him....that in turn, does not make a healthy relationship.

ORIGINAL: Raja19

Yes, I'm 19. Thats part of the thing also, he seems to think that finding someone to be with the rest of his life is just so simple. I think it has to do with the fact that his parents got married very young and they do not seem to have a good relationship either.

I am afraid I'll look back on this and wonder why I did not enjoy my "young years." And although I love him I know I can not stay with someone because I am afraid I will hurt them.

Definitely enjoy those younger years because you can never get them back! [] It's not like you think he's your soulmate either. The differences between you are MAJOR ones. Part of compatibility is understanding or at least respecting the things that are important to the other person. I can't imagine anyone criticizing a person giving to charity. His parents sound like such, um... "nice" people. [&:] I can't even fathom being wealthy and not helping less fortunate people and animals.

Anyway, I know from experience that being with the wrong person feels like you're betraying your soul. It's kind of a nagging feeling in your subconcious. And even though you don't want to hurt him, you're actually doing him a favor. You both deserve to be with the right person- someone that shares the same values. I heard an analogy once that leaving a bad relationship is like ripping off a bandaid- it hurts REALLY bad at first, but that's the worst part and then it gets better. []

Sounds like a really tough situation, but I think you know the right thing to do. I'm rooting for ya. []

Raja, I figured you were young but I had no idea you were only 19. I may have been a little blunt before, so I apologise. To call 'a kiss' cheating really demonstrates that you have a lot of living yet to do. I have 3 kids of my own. 18, 23, & 25. I would never encourage them to be in a serious relationship at 19. To be honest, it will only hold you back from experiencing a lot of cool things. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as the 'right' person. There is the 'right person' for the 'right time'. The HS sweet heart is great for dating and having a good time with, experimenting sexually and emotionally with. When you are ready to learn how to be independant and self reliant you will find another 'right' person to share that experience with. Then when you are at a point where you are looking for stability and commttment there is going to be another person who will be right. If that were not true I would be married to my boyfrend from HS. He was the 'right' person for me then, but not when I was 24. If I had met him when I was 24, it might have been a match. It was just not the right time!

Good Luck.

sounds like you know the answer.

to me it sounds like he was a good HS boyfriend, but eventually people grow up. sounds to me like you are in a different place in life than he is.

I gotta go with this one. 

I do agree with others that there are going to be ups and downs and that's no reason to dump people, but if your differences cannot be respected or reconciled, then it's time to let go.  My husband and I are completely opposite, but we give each other space and respect each other's beliefs and passions.  Actually, we are in pretty much agreement politically and religiously, but we have totally different hobbies so we are usually doing different things on the weekends and such.  We don't criticize each other for what the other does and we understand why we do what we do.  We make an effort to have a few things that have meaning to us because we do them together, but for the most part we respect each other's space.

You're young and should not have any feelings of obligation as far as relationships are concerned.  Who knows, maybe he'll mature and you'll be attracted to him again a few years down the road.....but don't sell yourself short because it's the easy thing to do.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.  You're what?  19 or 20? That's what dating is for.  You'll probably kiss a number of toads before you find your prince.
 
Joyce

Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I know what I would do.  But no one can decide for you.  I think that your BF's parents are to blame for his ways.  My father and mother raised me to believe that the world doesn't revolve around me.  I met my DH when I was in hs and we married when I was 16.  Young I know but you can't fight love.  We have been married for 5 years and 5 months now.  I love him to no end and yes, I do question our relationship at times.  But all I have to do is think about what made me fall in love with him in the first place.  

Just wanted to chime in and wish you all the best. Sounds like the relationship has run it's course. Just make sure you let him down gently.
Be thankful that your first love was a good one. I really think that makes the path for the next ones. I hope my daughters have a kind first love.

Thanks everyone for all of your opinions (even the harsh ones!) and support I think just writing it made me realize what I need to do. I'm probably not going to do it right away and I need some time to talk to him about it slowly.
 
But I think the main thing is that I need to let go of thinking that I did not try hard enough and being afraid to hurt him. I kept feeling bad about us not being the same, and I felt like ending things would make me give up on him.
 
Also there is a part of me that thought I could "change" him into being someone that was more considerate toward others and was just nicer to others in general. But, I guess some people you can't change. And I do not think he wants to change either.

Maybe it is time to start educating yourself on what it takes to make a marriage.  It will be one of the most important "classes" that you will ever take and creating a good marriage will be one of the hardest things you ever do (I failed).  An essential skill will be how to fight and to negotiate.
 
In my opinion a good match of values with your mate is imperative. 
 
Here are some books you can probably get at the library.  Put "marriage preparation" or "marriage counseling" or "couples fight" in an Amazon.com search and you will find more books.  Buy copies of the books that you personally find valuable and, when the day comes that you find someone that you think you would like to spend your life with, have him read the books, too. 
 
The Fogle book may seem a strange one for this list, but it is important to understand just how intertwined your lifes will be - emotionally, socially, and financially.  The last two books are about fighting and negotiating.
 
Leahy, Monica Mendez, 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married, 4/16/2004
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/2qsomm[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/2qsomm]http://tinyurl.com/2qsomm[/link]
 
Donaldson, Corey, Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couples, Rev Upd edition, 5/22/2001
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/2dge4b[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/2dge4b]http://tinyurl.com/2dge4b[/link]
 
Phillips, Bob, How Can I Be Sure?: Questions to Ask Before You Get Married, Updated edition, 1/1/1999
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/362pf9[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/362pf9]http://tinyurl.com/362pf9[/link]
 
Rhall, Jean Marie, Don't Get Divorced Before You Get Married: A Must Read For Anyone Planning To Marry, 10/27/2006
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/336gyv[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/336gyv]http://tinyurl.com/336gyv[/link]
 
Fogle, Jonathan J., Preparing for Divorce While Happily Married: Tips from a Divorce Lawyer, 1/1/2006
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/37k4us[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/37k4us]http://tinyurl.com/37k4us[/link]
 
Christensen, Andrew & Jacobson, Neil S., Reconcilable Differences, 5/31/2002
[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/2brg6u[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/2brg6u]http://tinyurl.com/2brg6u[/link]
 
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[linkhttp://tinyurl.com/2jzqde[/link]>http://tinyurl.com/2jzqde]http://tinyurl.com/2jzqde[/link]

Also there is a part of me that thought I could "change" him into being someone that was more considerate toward others and was just nicer to others in general. But, I guess some people you can't change. And I do not think he wants to change either.

I wish you lots of luck in establishing a great relationship in the future.  However, you will have to accept your future mate as is. 
 
You will never be able to change a BF or husband.  If he decides that he wants to make changes, you can support him, but that is it.  Never marry counting on articular changes to take place in your spouse.  Even attempts to help your spouse develop more self-confidence can fail (personal experience).

When I was 19 I thought I knew what I wanted.....wrong.......I have changed so much and when I think back at being 19, I could laugh at myself.......and I am in my 30's now.
 
This is not the guy for you, but then again, you have a lot of growing up to do........no offense.....[]

life is too short to be with someone that you don't love. the kindest thing to do is break it off. it'll be better for both you in the long run