Dog Community

Is this wrong of me?

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:19:33 PM

So I will try to explain my problem as short as can be.

Me and bf have been together for about 3 years. This past year things have become less exiting and I don't feel there is a spark there anymore between us.
We see each other once or twice a week and that's it.

I feel like we have very different opinions on alot of things and I do not know how we could ever get married or have a family with our differences on politics and the world.
He was raised very different then me and his parents did not teach him to not be racist and to be generous to the less fortunate.

I know he really loves me and tells me that he wants to get married someday and totally thinks we are going to be together forever.

I do love him, but I do not know if I am in love with him anymore.

So here is the tricky part.....

I am attracted to a guy I work with.

I am feeling guilty because I have been thinking about him and know I should not be liking someone else when I am in a relationship.

I have stayed with my BF because we do have some things in common.....
We both love dogs and when we were in HS hung out with the same friends.
And he is generous to me just not to others....for instance he tells me I should not give to charity, and that bothers me.

And the other part is that also.....I have cheated on him before. He has no idea and I did not have feelings for the other person but I feel bad and know it was a very wrong thing to do.

I feel like I need to break up with him, but I know I am going to break his heart and I feel horrible either way,and I am still not sure I want to end things either.

What should I do....[sm=help.gif]

cyclefiend2000

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:23:12 PM

sounds like you know the answer.

to me it sounds like he was a good HS boyfriend, but eventually people grow up. sounds to me like you are in a different place in life than he is.

Benedict

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:26:39 PM

You can't spend the next 50 years of your life in a relationship with someone who, after 3 years, you don't think you're in love with anymore. Yes breaking up with him would be painful for you both, but it is KINDER to do so if it means you can both have the opportunity to find someone who suits you better. I would definitely wait until after you have ended things before starting something with anyone else - if nothing else, you do owe your boyfriend that.

People go on about how love is putting someone else's happiness before your own. I think that's a bunch of something-or-other. You (and I mean a general you, people in general, not just you specifically) can't be a loving, caring, giving, committed half of a twosome unless YOU ARE HAPPY. So staying with your bf just so you don't hurt him will do neither of you any favours.

Work at it if it is worth it for you, and what you want. But if it's not what you want, do not feel guilt about ending it, albeit in the kindest way you can.

Just my .02

Kate

Ashley

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:29:43 PM

I would not be with a person who does not give to charity. IMO the measure of a man is how he helps those who cannot help themselves. My SO carries around a box of granola snacks and bottles of water to give to the homeless folks he sees (in downtown Atlanta, there are a TON).

I think you've answered your own question. However nice he is to you, the two of you don't live in a vacuum. I'm assuming that since you only see each other once or twice a week, that you don't live together. That will make splitting up easier.

But before you do that, I would tell him about your concerns...maybe things will change.

Raja19

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:38:00 PM

I guess I just feel really bad about ending things and I feel like I am going to hurt him so much.

After I wrote the post and reread it, it seemed so obvious what the answer is. I just feel bad, like I am not trying hard enough and just letting things end.

And he is a big part of my life and it's going to be so hard to let that go, but I don't want to continue a relationship when I feel this way.

I would not be with a person who does not give to charity. IMO the measure of a man is how he helps those who cannot help themselves. My SO carries around a box of granola snacks and bottles of water to give to the homeless folks he sees (in downtown Atlanta, there are a TON).

Yes I carry dog food for when I see homeless people with dogs and give it to them. He thinks I am crazy, his parents have taught him to pretty much only care about themselves and that as long as they are wealthy then they do not need to worry about others. And that is the opposite that I was raised.

rolenta

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:51:22 PM

Pretty much any relationship will go through a stage where you're not excited by them anymore. It's the reality of human chemistry. If you dump someone every time you don't feel excited by them anymore, you'll have a new boyfriend every couple years.

Not to say you shouldn't break up with him, and don't feel bad if you do, just be sure you're not just breaking up because you're used to him and "bored" by him.

Benedict

Posted : 5/18/2007 2:56:02 PM

ORIGINAL: rolenta

Pretty much any relationship will go through a stage where you're not excited by them anymore. It's the reality of human chemistry. If you dump someone every time you don't feel excited by them anymore, you'll have a new boyfriend every couple years.

Honestly, I have to disagree with this. I have been with my (now) DH for 3 years, and my pulse still races every time he walks in the door. We've had our ups and downs, but I have never felt bored with him.

Kate

Raja19

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:02:53 PM

Honestly, I have to disagree with this. I have been with my (now) DH for 3 years, and my pulse still races every time he walks in the door. We've had our ups and downs, but I have never felt bored with him.

See I do not feel that when we se eachother or spend time together. I don't want to be in a relationship and not have the chemistry there. But, I still care alot about him and that is why this is so hard.

I think all of the things that we dissagree on has changed how I feel about him. I care alot about other people and the world and the environment and he thinks its dumb and that I am wasting my time.....how do you stay with someone who thinks that and does not respect what I care about??

denise m

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:05:25 PM

ORIGINAL: TheSchmee

I would not be with a person who does not give to charity. IMO the measure of a man is how he helps those who cannot help themselves.

I would rather be with someone who is uncharitable, then someone who cheats. I think the relationship is already over. Do the right thing and make it offical.

rolenta

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:15:13 PM

ORIGINAL: Benedict

ORIGINAL: rolenta

Pretty much any relationship will go through a stage where you're not excited by them anymore. It's the reality of human chemistry. If you dump someone every time you don't feel excited by them anymore, you'll have a new boyfriend every couple years.

Honestly, I have to disagree with this. I have been with my (now) DH for 3 years, and my pulse still races every time he walks in the door. We've had our ups and downs, but I have never felt bored with him.

Kate

I guess it depends on the definition of bored. I'm still excited when my husband comes home and I miss him terribly when he's not around, but it's not like when we were first dating.

Eh, what do I know?

Luvntzus

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:18:54 PM

ORIGINAL: rolenta

I guess it depends on the definition of bored. I'm still excited when my husband comes home and I miss him terribly when he's not around, but it's not like when we were first dating.

Exxxactly. Same here.

Prince_Pride

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:21:23 PM

ORIGINAL: denise m

I would rather be with someone who is uncharitable, then someone who cheats. I think the relationship is already over. Do the right thing and make it offical.

Agreed!

Raja19

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:26:09 PM

ORIGINAL: Prince_Pride

ORIGINAL: denise m

I would rather be with someone who is uncharitable, then someone who cheats. I think the relationship is already over. Do the right thing and make it offical.

Agreed!

I know it was very wrong of me to cheat, and I know that there are no excuses for it but it does bother me that he is only concerned about himself and not the world around him

BTW the cheating was a kiss...nothing more.

sharismom

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:26:38 PM

how do you stay with someone who .... does not respect what I care about??

I cut this apart for a reason. Today it is the environment, other people, charity; tomorrow it will be something else that you care about that he does not respect. Does he make fun of what you care about?

If you stay in a relationship because you are afraid of hurting the other party and end up hurting yourself instead, you will regret the time you wasted trying to keep things together. Does he think you two have issues to work out, or is he clueless about the things you resent about him?

Denise M makes a very good point, too, as hard as that may be to swallow.

cakana

Posted : 5/18/2007 3:34:33 PM

Ashley - aren't you about 20 or 21? You're so very young to be thinking about forever and ever. I stayed in relationships longer than I should've because of not wanting to hurt the other person, but it's truly not fair to either of you. He will be hurt and maybe even angry, but he'll be fine. I would let him know how much you care about him and want to remain friends, but that you're just not in love with him anymore. Just a word of advice from someone older and hopefully wiser, but give yourself some time after this before you move into another serious relationship. Try to enjoy the "unattached" feeling for awhile [

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