Am I wrong to be soo upset?

I like the clicker training suggestion!  I don't have kids, but I have a neice.  When she was younger, I would watch her a lot and she would play too rough with my older cat.  This was completely unacceptable to me.  She had been told that she can't play rough with him.  One time, she was carrying him half hanging down(very tolerant cat!) and I told her "Shelby, that is too rough.  Spot is old and you can hurt him easily like that."  She seemed to understand, but 10 minutes later, she pounced on him while he was sleeping.  I yelled "NO!"  grabbed her little arm and put her in the middle of my mom's bedroom on a little stool and walked out.  She kept yelling for me to come back and tried to get my attention any way possilble, but I ignored her for at least 10 minutes.  After she had calmed down, I explained why I did that and told her that if she ever did it again, the punishment would be much worse...I don't know what it would have been, but something!  She never did that again.  I think a lot of kid stuff is for attention.  So, take it away.  So far, that has worked for me with the kids that I babysit.

For humans, they call clicker training TAG Teach. I just went to a seminar a few weeks ago, and I loved it.

ORIGINAL: Bullymom

The problem I have is, somethings don't bother me but they bother others.  I don't care if she wants to run around the house in her undies.  She knows that she HAS to wear clothes if we go outside or to some public place.  The clothes or should I say lack of clothes, makes my dad mad.  Madison calls me by my first name occasionally.  It doesn't bother me but it makes my mom mad.  I'm so confused.  I keep getting mixed signals from my family on what to do about her behavior.  Stepmom says don't spank her.  Dad says spank.  It's a lose, lose situation.  Hubby says to spank her but when I do spank her, he says that I didn't do it good enough.  I mean give me a break, I'm trying here.

 
I think this falls under "pick your battles"...I think toddlers sometimes get frustrated if they feel like they have NO choices or independence at all.  I always tried to decide what was really important with mine and really, really enforce that, but to let the things go that weren't.  If you and your husband don't mind her running around in her undies (my daughter was the EXACT same way) - then it's no one else's business.  If your Dad doesn't like it at his house, then that should be enforced when she's there. 
 
I think taking things away is a good motivator, but I've found (esp. with my ADHD son) that catching him being good and rewarding that is at least as motivating--if not more so.  Make sure to tell her when she's doing something you like and make a big deal out of it.  It will make her want to please you!
 
Above all, don't beat yourself up - I agree with Jean that it sounds like you could use some help here - and that has absolutely no reflection on you...I think it says a lot that you're big enough to ask for help from this forum!  I'm sure I could have used classes myself when I was going through that - I learned by trial and error and asking advice of everyone I knew.  Hopefully that will get me through the teenage years as well! [8D]

Im sorry I only read the first few posts but since you said you have thought about Supernanny... maybe just try her methods... its usually the same.  Some shows the "time out" spot battle between parent and child goes on for 2 hours...  but in the end with the parent not quitting...they sit... and seems from there the boundaries are reset.  Its like the kid will fight and punch and scream and do the most awful things and she tells the parent to calmly put them back on the spot to sit and continue this UNTIL they stay.  No matter how long it takes.  It always seems to me though that thats the major battle... once you get that day over with you have somewhat of a new start with them.  Or at least a beginning.  I sure hope you can get her under control soon, Im sure its very stressful.
 
I know how much what a dad says can hurt... try not to take it personal,,, Im sure it was hard for him to say as well.  Maybe he just wants to let you know she needs to change her behavior and he didnt know how else to say it.  Theyre kinda bad at that stuff with their daughters I think, and it comes out wrong... at least I go through that with mine.

My dad is terrible with words and emotions.  He was raised to think that men didn't hug and kiss and say nice things.  My PawPaw was the EXACT same way.  I never once heard my PawPaw tell me that he loved me.  I knew that he did but he had so much pride and he was stubborn as a mule!  Dad's the same.  He tells it to ya straight without thinking that what he has to say may hurt.  I'm really sensitive when my dad says things that hurt my feelings.  I cry if dad hollers at me!  And I'm 21!  Still a big baby!

my advice is follow your instincts. bugger what your parents feel. if you kid calls you mom (or baby - thats what my cousins call their dad because thats what their mom calls him lol rednecks) if it doesnt bother you, then thats all that matters.
my son runs around in just his diaper unless we go out. why wash clothes every day if he is just going to be playing around the house? if we go somewhere people dont usually care if he just has a t-shirt or just shorts on... just as long as that diaper isnt loaded! even if someone did complain.. we just wouldnt go see them again at their house. buuuuut... i have that kind of attitude. take me as i am, or dont take me at all. i wont change to suit you when ever you feel like it. i would rather just not be part of the situation.

now... maybe i'm sounding bad, i dont care, but if my kid ever hit or kicked me i would so knock his teeth into the back of his head....
i saw one kid, a teen ager, draw back to hit his mom... she stepped up and said "Do it, i brought you into this world and i will sure take you out of it" ...that kid backed down and never did it again. i think its astounding how people have let kids rule their lives. these are children. they dont know what they want or whats good for them! there's a reason for the saying "God looks after children and fools" ...cause they cant do it themselves.
Keep it up Bullymom. you ARE doing your best, but STOP trying to please everyone else. its hurting you and your kid. Spanking your kid... and going back and spanking her again because someone said it wasnt good enough is crazy. maybe your husband should be in charge of all the spankings?
one thing that works for my other cousin, she has three kids 8, 9, and 4,, she makes them look dead into her eyes, nose to nose and she uses "the tone" to explain the dire consequences of their situation what ever it may be. then she will either spank them or not. depending on if they fully understand what they have done to upset her. if they knew bouncing a beach ball off the wall near the tv set and lamp is not allowed then they get spanked. then again, being kids, if they play to rough and hurt the other, they just get a talking to and a warning to be careful. her kids are SOOOO easy to take care of!! this is the older sister to my other cousin, the one whose kids call their dad "Baby". those two boys can hardly make an intelligent sounding word, let alone carry on a conversation. the other three are like child geniuses.... amazing they are related. but one mom makes threats and doesnt follow through, and the other ..follows through.

i'm not saying you dont do that. but i am saying you do what you need to do. dont let someone else say it isnt good enough. follow your gut.

I have people telling me that I should not spank her, it will teach her to be violent.  WTF?  I got my a$$ beat as a child and I'm not violent at all.  Then some say that if I spank her, she'll resent me when she is grown.  I don't resent my parents.  I got sooo many spanking that were intended for my sister (she'd lie and they would believe her) but I don't hate my parents for doing this.  Their spanking is probably the reason why I turned out the way that I did.  My sis, never really got spanked and she ended up on drugs, sleeping with everyone, and she landed in jail.  I have NEVER even thought about doing things like that.  I did screw up when I was 14 and slept with a guy but I have only been with 2 guys and one of which is my hubby.  My dad wouldn't talk to me for 3 weeks.  That's the worst thing that I have ever done.  I don't reckon that Maddy will kill over if she gets her tail flogged.

I only agree with spanking or otherwise physically doing something to a kid if it's for their safety. I'd smack a kid's hand as he reached to touch the stove, and I nearly tackled a kid as he was about to run into the street. Someone else got to him first though. I otherwise don't agree with spanking, but what you do in your home is your business, so long as you do not hurt your child.
My older sister and I were spanked, and she was the one who got in to more trouble as a teenager. I didn't really do anything to bad. I really can't stand my mother, but I don't think it has anything to do with being spanked. I also went through a period of being very violent, but then again, I think that was also correlation, and not causation. I don't like it because I don't think it's useful. It teaches the kid what you don't want them to do, but it doesn't teach what you wanted the kid to do. I also don't continue doing things that aren't effective. I don't waste my time. You're seeing that the spanking isn't helping the situation. I personally wouldn't bother to waste the effort in doing it, because it's not working.

i agree about the spanking to prevent danger. i would much rather pop a kid on the hand than have them pull a pot of boiling water down on top of them.... what do you prefer... hurt feelings or scarred for life?

i dont know if spanking alters a personality or if it is changing the consequences of disobediance. my mom spanked me maybe three times when i was a kid and i treated her like crap because i could get away with it. i knew if i stood my ground long enough i would get my way. my brother would ALSO laugh when she tried to spank him so she gave up. she learned a new tactic though.... the guilt trip. nothing works better on me than that. but it doesnt work on my brother.... but he also lives quite a distance away from us so he doesnt have to put up with it.

my dad on the other hand had no regrets about tearing our rearends up with a belt. and we NEVER challenged him. we didnt dare talk back or argue or try to reason with him. his word was law.....
so we learned early on that we could push our mom around, but not our dad. and since they were divorced neither parent supported the other.... my mom was jealous of the respect we gave our dad and denied her,but then... she never demanded to be respected.
Looking back on that now and the way my brother and i acted naturally i feel like a heel... but i dont plan to let it happen to me with my own kids. i'll do what ever i have to earn respect as a parent. my mom's mistake was she tried to treat us like we were her equal. but you cant be an equal with your kids. just like with some dogs, you're either the leader or follower. and if you dont lead, then the dog will, or the kid as the case might be.
sometimes i tell my mom that she should have smacked us around more when we were kids over some of the things we did. i also tell her she is VERY lucky we turned out great for lack of effort on her part.

she didnt have it easy... my dad left her when i was two and my brother five. she had to work to support us and rely on others to help raise us. but i cant remember ever one time anyone in the family backing her up. never once did my aunts or uncles say "Do what your mother tells you!" they just stayed out of it or criticized her methods behind her back.

sometimes i really dont like my family for that lack of support...... [sm=crazy.gif]