Am I wrong to be soo upset?

One thing that occurs to me is that she's still really young - I'm not sure what they make of spankings at that age.  I know when my son (who was later diagnosed with ADHD) was that age, we had some real battle of wills.  I just tried my best to be consistent and patient (easier said than done).  I was so worried at the time that my son was going to grow up to be a complete monster and he's the exact opposite now (he's 13) - very easy going and sweet - rarely ever talks back.  We do have our share of issues with him, but he's an even-tempered guy, so just keep that in mind - when they are 2 & 3, they are developing, so that's not necessarily an indicator of how they will eventually turn out. 
 
I do think this is a critical time though for teaching them that you mean what you say and that there are rules.  However, I would say to try and temper that with having a realistic gauge on what you expect from her based on her age.  Also, try to take into account what may be causing her to act a certain way - ie, she's throwing tantrums--is she tired?  Maybe she needs more naps, etc (I know mine were complete bears without their regular naps until like 4).
 
As far as what your Dad said to you, I would also have been very hurt, but he was probably just frustrated - as you obviously know that dealing with a toddler can do that to you![]
 
Good luck!

Did you try all the suggestions in the other thread that you posted about this? For at least two weeks solid, every caregiver? You won't see change overnight, this will take work and everyone must do it, so maybe you shouldn't take her to your dad's because the way he acted was so counterproductive, you'll set her back even farther. As I told you before, things will get worse before they get better, and as I told you before also, you MUST work on building up this relationship or she will only defy you more. The suggestions I gave you before were the framework of a pretty solid treatment plan that has worked with lots of kids that I've treated before. I would also suggest at least finding a parenting support group if you can't/won't find a therapist. If you'd rather just read a book, I highly recommend these:

"1-2-3 Magic, Effective Discipline for Children 2-12", Thomas W. Phelan
"SOS, Help for Parents" Lynn Clark
"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk", Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
"Positive Discipline A-Z, 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems", Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott and H. Stephen Glenn

But most of all I would recommend this one: it describes in detail the relationship building program I posted about before:
"Parenting the strong-willed child. The Clincially Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two-toSix-Year-Olds", Rex Forehand, and Nicholas Long

Thanks for the advice everyone.  My husband has ADHD as well and he thinks that Maddy has a touch of it.  It is just frustrating.  She can be the nicest little girl ever but when you tell her to do something or don't give her what she wants, she loses control.  I know it's my fault that she is the way that she is.  I let her get by with too much for too long.  It's a battle just to get her dressed everyday.  She screams and kicks the whole time.  Three days ago, I told her that we needed to get dressed so we could go to the mall, I was trying to put her pants on her and she kicked me right in the chest.  I popped her butt for that.  Her dad is only here for a few hours during the day and by the time he comes home at night, Maddy is in the bed.  He can tell her what to do and yeah she screams bloody murder but she does it.  I tell her, she looks at me and says "NO" or "I don't want to"  I'll tell her that I am the mommy and that I asked her to do this for a reason and she just storms off and pouts.  It ususally takes me 20 minutes just to get her dressed.  When it's her daddy, he has her dressed in about 3 minutes.  I do get stressed out very easy.  She is my first and only child and I know that I'm bound to mess up sometimes, but it doesn't help when all I hear from my family and husband is that she needs a spanking.  They say this all of the time and if I were to spank her eveytime she didn't listen or threw a tantrum, I'd be spanking her ALL day.  Madison is a very smart little girl.  I'm not saying that because she is mine.  I mean it.  We are talking about a 3 year old that can carry on a true conversation with people for hours.  She can even tell me what kinds of cars are that drive by!  I mean, she will see a truck like my dad's and say "That's a Chevy Truck like Paw Paw's.  Except his is grey and that one is blue."  I know that she understands things that I tell/ask her to do but she just ignores my requests.  I guess I am going to try putting her in her room for a few minutes when she doesn't listen.  Will taking some of her privlages away work with her?  She loves watching t.v.  Should I turn that off for a few minutes when she misbehaves?

Rewards for good behavior and taking priviledges away for bad behavior.  Kind of like NILF for kids.

I think Chewbecca has some good advice! "SHE IS TESTING HER INDEPENDENCE...." It is very typical for kids at this age to become very willfull. The trick is to use that to your's and her advantage. Instead of 'telling' her what to do try giving her choices.

Example:
"Madison, please get in the car." (Madison has 2 options - get in or not)
"Madison, we are going home now. Do you want to jump in yourself or would you like me to help you?" (Madison has 2 options get in or get in with help)
This way you are letting her decide, not between getting in or not getting in, but between getting in herself or getting in with help. To her it's empowering. A sense of control over her life. I think the more often you are able to give her a choice the better she will respond. Never give her the choice of doing or not doing what you want, only a choice of how she does it.

Have her choose the night before what she will wear.
Have her choose if she wants to put her shoes on inside the house or outside.
Have her choose if she wants to sit quietly while you are on the phone or play in the other room until you are finished.

You have to be creative with your options and keep them simple. Right now she is creating her own options, the trick is to GIVE her the options and let her make the decision.

clicker training?

Well, she could be saying worse things then "No!"  When my friend's kindergardener was 3 he looked her square in the eye when she told him to do something and said "Screw you, Mommy!" [sm=smack.gif]

DS was a major battle to dress as well.....and he like to strip as well.  His 2nd grade teacher told me "send him to school in his PJ's" when I'd exhausted all her other ideas to get him out the door in the morning without a major migrane.  I warned him that I was done with the messing around in the morning and that THIS is what was going to happen....picking his clothes the night before, laying them out, HIM being responsible for getting himself dressed and ready on time for the bus......well, that worked.....not.  So when the bus pulled in the driveway, I kissed him goodbye and led him to the bus.  He was in a self contained special needs classroom and when the other kids got to go outside to play, HE got to get dressed, brush his teeth, etc.......He never farted around in the morning again.

honestly i would ban the tv set..... my boy doesnt even know what the heck a tv is. we arent real big tv watchers anyway, so when it does get turned on he could care less. he prefers to play with his toys or try to figure out how some items around the house work, like the lamps, the floor sweeper, anything mechanical. he cant interact with the tv, i think he knows that.... like just right now... he found an old printer cartridge and has brouhght it to me saysing "Whats this?" lol
 but where the tv is concerned.. he'll stop and look at it for a second if Veggie Tales comes on, but once the theme song is over... he's gone.
ALSO i read an article in the paper about young children and television. it has been proven or something that tv watching can actually shorten their attention span. think about it... saturday morning cartoons last thirty minutes, have two sepperate stories (call it a plot if you want) and commercial breaks in between, and those commercials are FILLED with mini cartoons advertising cereals and toys and movies and other cartoon programs. what the heck is the kid supposed to focus on?? "Now was i watching Sponge Bob .. or Captain Crunch? wait a second look!! The Replacements is coming on at twelve! what time is it now?? 10:30?! oh look cool a new Spider Man toy!! aww no, not BARBI again!!"

as for spankings... yeah its good to follow through but the bloody government has everyone terrified of spanking their kids. its even banned in some countries. Sweden i know for sure. if you spank your kids IN the store then you'll probably get reported for "child abuse" even if its just a pop on the rear. the law exists because of parents beating their kids in public, but they have now made it difficult to discipline our children.
my dad was never afraid to yank us aside and blister our behinds if we embarrassed him in public. in church if we were too noisy he would thump us on the ear or shoulder, depending which was closer. just like some comedian said... dad didnt sit with his arm on the back of pew, surrounding his family because he loved them... noooo... it was so he could thump them on the ear for talking during the service or not paying attention.

i think its very funny how my MIL has changed over the years according to my husband. she doesnt believe in spanking a child. believes in positive reinforcement, which is good. but my husband laughs at her for it. he has tales of her snatching him and his brothers off their feet by their hair. they were all well acquainted with dad's belt. If she said "Wait till your dad gets home" they would wait in stone cold silence fearing the punishment that awaited them. that was AFTER their mom got her licks in too. but with her grand kids.... its almost comical how she treats them lol my son doesnt know what to make of her yet.

Well,  Today was an exact replica of yesterday.  I tried to get her into her booster seat and she freaked.  I told her twice to crawl in and she refused so I tried to pick her up and put her in the seat, she kicked me.  I tore her tail up.  When we got home, I explained to her that she has to ride in the booster because it was a law and I would get into trouble if she didn't.  I also told her that she could get hurt really bad if she was not in it.   She said Okay Mommy.  Earlier, I was trying to get her dressed and she just would not have it.  I got up and walked to my room.  She asked me where I was going and I told her that I was going to get her daddy's belt.  She was a different child when I mentioned the belt.  She sat down and let me get her dressed and didn't even whine.  I talked to my dad tonight and he said that he was sorry for what he said and that he didn't meant it.  He had lost his cool.  I am going to buckle down on Maddy.  If she starts throwing a temper, the FIRST thing that is getting took away is the t.v.  She Loves Spongebob and I do too but if taking her t.v. away will get results, that's what's going to happen.

I'm not a parent, but I've got lots of experience with kids. I think everyone is right in telling you that you have to mean what you say. A few weeks ago, I got 1-2-3 Magic on a CD set. I of course got it because I wanted to know about using it in a classroom, and I really liked it. Whether or not you use the counting, although I think it would really help, I don't think will make or break the technique, it's the idea of following through on what you say.
I'm working with a kid who's into some new bad habits. The first is pulling his pants down and peeing in innappropriate places. He hadn't done it to me until Thursday. He was about to get in the pool, and then started going. You'd better believe I took him by the hand, led him to the bathroom, and he didn't get in the pool after that. Today he was in the pool. I was playing with him for a bit, then I had to pick up my phone because one of my professors was calling me back. While I was on the phone, he started taking off his underwear (he just swims in underwear sometimes). I gave him a chance to put the underwear back on, he didn't start so I said it again, and added that if he didn't he was getting out. Then I started making sure my pants were rolled up as far as I could get them. Once I had them as far up as I could get them, and the underwear weren't going back on, I went in and got him. I did it once last year too when he was taking to covers off the filter things (I'm not really sure what they were, only that he wasn't supposed to be playing with them). You'd better believe he didn't play with those things again when I was around. I don't think he'll be in the ground or take off his underwear in the pool on me again either. I do tend to ignore a lot of little stuff. However, I do not joke about the big stuff. If I it, I will follow through, even if it means spending two hours in jeans with one leg freezing because it's soaked from the knee down.
Depending on what how your daughter is, and the entire situation would determine what I would do with the shoes. If it would be safe, ie no glass, not extremely hot black top, etc., but slightly uncomfortable, I'd bring her out with no shoes. If she wouldn't care about being barefoot, because I know I would go barefoot all the time if it weren't socially inappropriate, i'd put the shoes on her. If she wouldn't get in her seat, that's a no compromise item if you have to go. Put her in it. If you do not have to go, and it is somewhere she wants to go, i'd just not go. Let her deal with the natural consequence in that case. Maybe you could practice getting into the seat quickly on the first request going to some fun places. I'd treat everything that way. If the natural consequences will occur, and are safe for her to deal with, let her deal with it. If the natural consequences are not safe, or otherwise not acceptable (like you don't want to take her to a nice place in her pajamas) then you have to do what you must to get her to do what you said.

The problem I have is, somethings don't bother me but they bother others.  I don't care if she wants to run around the house in her undies.  She knows that she HAS to wear clothes if we go outside or to some public place.  The clothes or should I say lack of clothes, makes my dad mad.  Madison calls me by my first name occasionally.  It doesn't bother me but it makes my mom mad.  I'm so confused.  I keep getting mixed signals from my family on what to do about her behavior.  Stepmom says don't spank her.  Dad says spank.  It's a lose, lose situation.  Hubby says to spank her but when I do spank her, he says that I didn't do it good enough.  I mean give me a break, I'm trying here.

Take a parenting class. I sent you links in the last thread. It will be the BEST THING YOU CAN DO.

I raised a severely ADHD son, he's 26 now and getting married and turned out okay. The classes helped tremendously. YOU NEED HELP WITH THIS, and it doesn't mean you are a failure! ANYONE would need help.

Please. Take a parenting class. Get into a support group. It isn't going to magically get better and you aren't going to find a magic bullet.

I KNOW. I've been there 100%.

ORIGINAL: Bullymom

The problem I have is, somethings don't bother me but they bother others. I don't care if she wants to run around the house in her undies. She knows that she HAS to wear clothes if we go outside or to some public place. The clothes or should I say lack of clothes, makes my dad mad. Madison calls me by my first name occasionally. It doesn't bother me but it makes my mom mad. I'm so confused. I keep getting mixed signals from my family on what to do about her behavior. Stepmom says don't spank her. Dad says spank. It's a lose, lose situation. Hubby says to spank her but when I do spank her, he says that I didn't do it good enough. I mean give me a break, I'm trying here.

You can have different rules in different situations, and if you think about it, we do have different rules for different situations in a lot of scenarios. If you walk in to a nice restaurant, the rule that you would generally follow would be to wait for the staff to approach you and offer you a seat. You sit where you are told. In McDonald's you approach the staff, you place your order, and you can sit wherever you want. It's also perfectly normal to have different rules about dressing in certain situations. Right now i'm sitting around wearing shorts and a tank top. That's ok for at home with no one here but other members of the family. If a friend were coming over, or I wanted to run out to somewhere, like perhaps McDonald's I would at least put on a bra. If I take Max out, I put on a jacket. If the person coming over were not a close friend, or I were going to the nice restaurant where they would seat me, I'd put on a little more clothing. At least a t shirt with sleeves, possibly some nicer shorts, and maybe even pants. I'd put on my flip flops for McDonald's but for the better place, i'd at least put on my nicer sandals. The point is, she too can learn that certain things are appropriate in certain places, but not in others. It is ok to run around in your undies at home with the immediate family, but ok if someone comes over, or at someone else's house.

She usually doesn't strip down at my dad's house but for some reason, she did.  She is usually GREAT at my dad's house.  I mean he hasn't had to spank her in like 9 months but last Sunday, she was just awful.  Today, she was just as nice as she could be.  I only had to pop her butt once and that was because she kicked the dog.  That's a BIG no-no and she knows that but she got mad and tried to take her anger out on the dog.  I popped her and made her sit on the couch for 3 minutes.  Afterwards, she was fine