I shouldn't have to choose between husband and dog...

in keeping with the title of the thread:  NO, you shoudn't have to choose between your husband and your dog.
 
i'm coming to this late, and i'm so sorry it seems to have panned out the way it has.  people are really quick to walk away from marriage these days; it's discouraging.  having said that, i really agree with everyone that this was much bigger than snickers.
 
i have issued an ultimatum to my husband regarding the dogs, and it is as follows:  if i ever see you lay a hand on either one of them in anger, i will pack them up and leave immediately, and i won't come back.  i know i'm hypersensitive to animal abuse for various reasons, but to me, this is about a Respect for all life, including the children we might have one day.  my husband tends to be reactive and aggressive as well, and this ultimatum is my way of laying down the line.  whether or not he crosses it is a clear indicator of both his respect for my feelings and his respect for life.  the fact that he HASN'T crossed it tells me a lot about his feelings for ME.  i don't know if this ultimatum is techincally appropriate or not, but it works for me.
 
i think we all expect certain things from each other in relationships, and we all set ultimatums, whether they be verbal or in our own minds, like, "if he doens't pick up his socks, i'm turning off the love machine for a week".  your husband has taken this to the extreme, in demanding that you take a life to keep him around.  maybe if you were to word it THAT way- you're asking me to take a life in your name, and you are hardly GOD....
 
i hope he can do enough soul searching to work it out.  i hate to see marriages break up.  but i certainly wouldn't put yourself or your dogs in a dangerous situation, either.[&o]

I`m so sorry you are going through this. You - your Hubby - and your dogs are in my thoughts and prayers.

Just having read all of this so far...I hope you don't think any of this is your fault, or Snickers fault. In the beginning there were probably mistakes on both sides, but he pushed it this far on his own. You have a right to be angry about this and will need time to mourn the loss of your relationship. I would suggest counceling for yourself...It can help a bunch.

I'm keeping you all (you, Snickers, and DH) in my thoughts. Please don't feel guilty. You did all you could. I admire you for not accepting his ultimatum. You are a very strong person. If you can do that, you can certainly handle whatever is to come.

Wow, what a tough situation! I'm so sorry. I think it's tragic that some people (in this case, your husband) are so unwilling to make allowances for the ones they love. I think everything you planned was totally reasonable. I told my own husband about this, and he said that the only way he would ever leave me over Tojo is if he was attacking Isaac and I refused to do anything about it. In my opinion, if you take in a dog, you have a responsibility to that dog! Likewise, if you marry someone, their responsibilities become your responsibilities. Kind of like how my husband has a lot of student loans before we got married and now they're my problem, too.

I know I'm coming into this late, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry and I completely agree with what everyone else has said. You shouldn't have to choose between your husband and your dog. I'm not ashamed to admit that I love my husband more than my dog, but I wouldn't just get rid of Tojo over something like this. If DH tried to force me to put Tojo down, I would be looking for bigger, more serious issues in the relationship.

By the way, it totally sucks that this all happened during school! I really hope everything turns out well for you.

Just to add a guy's perspective... I told my bf about this and his very confident and even quick response is "The guy should be gone."
 
I think overall, if he is not willing to work with you on this, what if there is something even bigger in the future.  What happens then when you are even further invested in the relationship and possibly have human kids.
 
Good luck in whatever you decide.  I think you are thinking clearly and know what you need to do is what is best for you!

I've been following this and waiting to see if he had any different attitude after getting past the initial fear and anger. 
 
Everyone has been saying a lot of great things here that I agree with and I'm SO sorry for this very, very difficult situtaion.
 
But as a person who has been married for 18 years now, let me also add this is hardly the strongest challenge you might face in marriage and his willingness to blackmail you, strong arm you and exert such power over you over this is alarming to me. And the resistance to any other opinion or influence - he doesn't need to rethink things or talk through anything.
 
I'm really trying hard not to be overly critical of him - I don't know him and haven't heard directly from him.  But I'm very unsettled by the use of an ultimatum in this situation and the willfully cruel aspect of it.

I hear you expressing much compassion for your DH, being worried about his welfare and whatever his psychological issues may be.

I urge you to focus on yourself, your pain, helping yourself.
Please take care of yourself, and continue making decisions that keep you whole, that keep you real with yourself.
You can't help yourself, your dog, or another person if you are out of sorts with yourself.

If he does have any mental health, personality, or addiction issues, it may be that alanon meetings would be helpful for you. I have gone to them on occassion, and they have really helped me prioritize my responsibility to myself, and kept me from nurturing illness in others.

I wish you peace in your heart.

I'm ok... we've gone back and forth so much now my head is
spinning...
It's not the most healthy relationship in the world...
edit, he's not the healthiest person in the world and
i'm not healthy emotionally for staying around.
Long story short, he came back last night late,
apologetic bearing gifts and dinner stating that he had been
nuts and wrong, and i was reasonable. then this morning lost it
again, threatened snickers, acted depressed, and
printed out divorce papers. Now currently, he's ok if
Snickers is muzzled all day in the house, crated while
we are sleeping, and evaluated by a behaviorist...I
have ordered two wire basket muzzles online. At no point have I
caved to his ultimatum, i continued to state that i could make the
many changes that I mentioned but I was not willing to rehome her or
put her down.

To his credit, the one good thing he realized is that
snickers, however nutty this is, is making him angry and
not a good person... he admits he has carried long term hatred
for her due to her issues since he is not a dog person by nature, he is now
truly scared of her and deeply worried
about liability due to another inadvertent dog bite. basically, this one act. however small it
may seem to someone familiar with getting in teh middle of the dog fight, has made him realize she could have hit a tendon or an eye. It's kind of the straw that broke the proverbial camels back and pushed him over the edge on a dog that he has not liked for years and years. Repeat, he's NOT a dog person and only like's oliver and Khoale because they are cuddly and nice. Keeping a difficult dog is waay beyond his frame of reference.
The reason he printed out the papers this morning is
because he said he hated how he was acting and hated
how he was telling me he'd literally kill my dog if
left alone with her.

I'm not sure what is going to happen or what I will
do... I feel like he feels justified in reacting this
way and I feel that it was totally off the wall. on
the other hand... he acknowledged that he could not
continue treating me in that way. Sigh.

Being in the counseling field myself, I am all too aware of the fact that these episdoes are cruel and unhealthy and exert serious stress on my emotional health and wellbeing. I do plan on seeking counseling on my own or spending some time in serious reflection to determine if this is what I want long term. I feel that I'm willing to deal with anger issues and a short fuse, that's a choice I can make, however my issue is the ultimatum and the QUICK jump to divorce with a refusal for counseling, mediation, parent/friend consultation or just plain old time (i suggested all of those). I can handle anger, but the emotional abuse of DH printing out divorce papers and detailing the death of my dog may be more than I am willing to put myself through.

thanks for listening.. reading
PS - to all who mentioned children... that's not a plan I have for my life so on the upside I'm not worried about exposing his moodswings to young children. on the downside... am I willing to deal with this type of thing every few months? will it ever change? doubtful.

I'm sure he is scared, but I'm also not surprised to hear him admit he just doesn't like or hates her and did before this occurrence. 
 
I do understand being afraid of being bit - one of my dogs bit me when I tried to get between them in a fight and it stunk.  But it is clear no one intentionally bit me -did not go after me.  Actually, I don't even think they knew - it was more like my hand collided with a mouth.
 
I am nervous about breaking up a dog fight - and so I manage my dogs' environment the best I can.  You are doing that - taking extra precaution till you can meet with the behaviorist.
 
I wish you the best - I hope you all come out of this the better for it whether that be together or apart.

will it ever change? doubtful.

Well, it can, but not without the willingness to change, on both your parts.  Relationships are like a dance, and when one person changes the dance steps, the other needs to also.  Sometimes, our behavior creates or almost encourages others to treat us badly or to disrespect us.  I'm not directing these comments to either you or your husband, because truly, it really is a problem you both share right now.  I don't have a crystal ball, but I feel safe in saying that if you don't seek couple's counseling, you will continue to have the same issues.  One thing I would want to address is the knee jerk reaction and the divorce ultimatum.  Couseling would probaby really help in addressing how to deal with the anger in general.  Ideally your husband would learn that he doesn't need to bring out the big guns (divorce) when he's frustrated or angry.  You might also learn some tools that work too.  When I was younger, I thought that every spat had to be settled right away.  I would just keep on and on until things exploded.   Then I'd fall apart and wonder how it all turned so ugly.   Now I know that I can let DH walk away mad and we can discuss things later, and sometimes whatever it was seems so silly, there's nothing worth discussing [].  Anyway - whatever you both decide, I wish you the best.  If you decide to stay together but DH won't seek counseling, I'd still suggest going on your own.

p.s. I'm not sure how serious Snickers aggression is, but if it's enough to keep him muzzled and/or crated all the time, I'd find a behaviorist ASAP.

cakana - honestly her aggression is NOT to the level that merits a muzzle and crate... thats the only thing that will keep DH happy because he views her as dangerous and unprediactable.
truly, she has leash aggression so if a dog runs up to her and jumps on her on a walk she will snap.. not draw blood. If a dog walks by she turns snarly and loses her mind barking for a bit. She has never ever hurt Oliver the other lab, she does snap at him if he's getting attention or if he stetps on her, or if he is too much in her face. She HAS growled at the new dog several times and then the incident the other night where something happened when it was dark and she went after her. rarely if ever do her fights draw blood... the fight from the other night seems to have left no marks on Khoale except for a small small mark on her ear. Snickers has gone after a newfie before. As a "dog person" I in no way feel threatened by her and feel her behavior is manageable by giving her her own place to sleep at night in the bedroom and by making sure dogs receive treats seperately, and by managing the environment and quashing a lip raise or growl as soon as it begins between them. DH feels her outbursts are scary and that by her going after a new dog and him getting a canine in teh hand means she is aggressive and needs to be put down.

As a "dog person" I in no way feel threatened by her and feel her behavior is manageable by giving her her own place to sleep at night in the bedroom and by making sure dogs receive treats seperately, and by managing the environment and quashing a lip raise or growl as soon as it begins between them. DH feels her outbursts are scary and that by her going after a new dog and him getting a canine in teh hand means she is aggressive and needs to be put down.

I only say this to offer you a different perspective.  I consider myself a "dog person" too.  I've had one my entire life and can't imagine a life without one or more.  My DH is also a dog lover, but probably not as much as me.  However, when we rescued Sassy (I went to the shelter, saw her and told DH), and then she and our other dog started having fights, I was the one who issued the ultimatum.  I never, ever considered or suggested euthanizing her.  There was no reason.  She's a sweet, lovable lab who just seems to have problems with Buffy (and likely other dogs).  Neither my DH or I were ever bitten in the midst of one of these fights, but they were very upsetting, and although we increased our vigilance in managing them, we still had some slip ups.  It began to rule my thinking.  I was worried, afraid, imagining the worst...all the time.  I just didn't see how we'd have anything close to a normal life again, and it truly has changed how we do anything, but it's working.  Still, had it not been for my DH insisting we keep Sassy, I likely would've found her another home.  We've had her 5 yrs now and I love her deeply, so I'm glad we've been able to handle this, but I wouldn't expect that everyone could or should.

Cathy, as another one who has kind of 'been there done that' not just with difficult dogs, but also with a difficult marital situation, I'm going to echo a little of what you're saying here -- part of the concerning thing here is the immediacy of the "get rid of the problem in a week" or the complete and utter control (all day muzzling) short term -- rather than a "we'll work on it together" scenario.
 
In the vast array of "stuff" that goes on in a marriage -- from hurricanes and tornados to loss of job/financial woes, death/illness in family -- to more mundane things like fender benders and part of the roof caved in over the kitchen -- beneath it all if you don't have a spouse/significant other who is **underneath it all** someone who is on your side and in whom you can trust to ultimately have your best interests and heart at the center of all decisions, suddenly any and all of these things can suddenly be grounds for real ugliness.
 
And it's so darned hard to know where to say "stop".  Because those of us with compassionate hearts always want to give the benefit of the doubt, maybe there will be change, give them a chance, what IF they change, well maybe there is a little truth in ... that, etc.
 
But then suddenly we find we're back ... not really where we 'started' but we're stuck in the loop again only this time I feel worse, and there are more restrictions on me and .... (in other words, it's not where you 'started' which should have been a relatively level playing field, but instead it's a little more -- or a LOT more -- difficult and there's still nothing better on my side. 
 
Life is so incredibly different when you both have each other's best interests 210% at heart.  I didn't learn that when I was married to my first husband.  I didn't even know it was possible.  But I do know it now and I'm sorry I wasted the time on the other.  But ... then again, it made me who I am today, and since I've learned to like the middle-aged 'me' it's all part of the process.
 
Ourdoorschik -- you have a good solid grasp of not just Snickers, and her problems, but Oliver and Koahle and what makes them function.  It's part of who you are that makes you so good with them.  It's also part of what is going to make you very very good at counselling professionally.  But working your way thru all the rest of this is also experience that will help make you a stronger counsellor. 
 
You've gotten some good support here, and not just on the dog stuff.  I'm hoping it helps, girl.  *hugs*

I know that if he does leave me over this, then it probably would have been something else at another time.

 
There you have it.
 
Evidently, I'm not too wrong in assuming you've been given "ultimatums" by him before, and it is to establish his total control of the situation. So, you have to decide whether you can live with that or not. To me, it sounded like an accident in housekeeping, rather than you holding dogs over him. Maybe he doesn't like caring for so many dogs and hasn't said anything until now, a perfect opportunity to unload on you his misgivings and demands.
 
So, good luck, whatever you have to do.
 

I haven't read all posts, so if I repeat something it wasn't intentional.
 
It comes down to one thing when I read the posts" Control".........he sounds like a complete control freak, it isn't just the dog, he wants to keep control of everything.