Dog Community

I shouldn't have to choose between husband and dog...

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:02:51 PM

.... I guess this is dog related... but warning, it's more of a relationship rant.
I don't have really anyone to talk to about this and have seen people post relationship things up here before so I figured it's as good a place as any to get this all out.
I've been married just over half a year... dating and living together a couple before that. Tonight, my dog Snickers, attacked the new dog for no reason while we were sleeping, somehow my husband's hand got in the middle of that and of course he was bitten. Thank goodness not badly, but certainly enough to hurt and not look good. He's had a problem with Snickers for a while and has never been comfortable with her. She has never ever shown ANY people aggression but she has fear aggression with other dogs and since that had been getting wrose as of late I've been walking her on a leash, never off leash and fully contained. She has never bitten a person before. Tonight he told me it was him or her, giving me a week to get rid of her. Personally, that just goes against everything I feel and stand for. I have had her since college and when I get a dog it's forever... I don't think, as much as I love him, I can just, "put her down or find her a home in a week" as he's asked. He left and has driven to another state.
Really, this situation is my fault, as I set it up... we should never ever had allowed the new dog Khoale to sleep with us so soon knwoing snickers' issues even though they were getting along. I was lulled into a false sense of security and went along with DH on it, knowing it felt wrong. To be honest, he was the one that said, when she was cring in her crate, oh just let her sleep with us, it's fine. He's not as dog savvy as me and I should have never left her sleep with us so quickly (we got her a week ago now). So here I am... sitting here given a choice, that he will come back when she's gone or file for divorce in a week. I think what hurts the most is that I'm not unreasonable, I'm willing to give up the new dog (she is very rehomable and to foster her til she finds a good place would hurt, but I'll know that I got her out of a bad situation a week ago and found her a great home), and have Snicekrs sleep in a crate to work this out. He's unwilling to accept anything but her leaving and I am nearly positive this will end in divorce. I don't want that, but I don't knwo any other way to fix this. Of course this is not our first issue or blow up... he can be very stubborn when he makes up his mind about something concerning liability or safety and he is now convinced she is a danger... which I do not agree with. He's not willing to go to counseling and says that if I'm "crazy enough to keep this dangerous dog, then we are incompatiable."

I should also add that we are dog sitting for my sister in law's two dogs this weekend as well... that had Snickers very on edge, I should have never agreed to it, but I did. It was, in all effects, a recipe for disaster. I know that if he does leave me over this, then it probably would have been something else at another time. I know I'll be ok if this does end, i have places to go and ways to care for my animals regardless... it just hurts so darn bad and it's not what I want. Sometimes I wish I didn't care about dogs so much... I wish i could jsut say, fine she's gone... but I can't.

rwbeagles

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:13:56 PM

People do and say MANY things when they feel they've just had a nasty experience...but,

I read thru and then once again...I think there's probably more to this than the dog...but I don't wanna pry. People don't give ultimatums when they are secure in the relationship as a whole...but just have some things they wish were different.

I won't man bash as is likely to happen...because marriage is a two way street...and for this to have become THIS large an issue? I do think the entire relationship....start to finish needs to be reviewed by both parties.

calliecritturs

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:18:34 PM

No it shouldn't have come down to such a demand. Usually when such words are spoken in anger either someone will calm down later and be more reasonable, OR there is some root of further discontent that's deeper and they just use whatever drove it to a head to force some sort of action.

Now if he winds up being willing to be reasonable once he cools off that's fine. but if he's just using this to force an ultimatum (in which case, he knows you pretty well and he knows how seriously this would punch your buttons and that you would likely not choose in his favor because it pretty seriously violates who you are as a person ... well, he may simply be orchestrating something to suit his own choices ("she forced me to do this because SHE was unreasonable ...")

It's pretty trumped up and reactive ...

Unfortunately if you simply cave (and this is emotional blackmail) you will set yourself up to have to give in to other unreasonable demands (what works one time will again and again). It wouldn't simply be one thing and that would be the end of it forever. When a spouse asks something like this of the other knowing it's a choice that would likely cause some deep-rooted bitterness to occur ... it's just not a good situation.

I'm so sorry, hon -- if he's removed himself tonight (which HIM leaving doesn't put him in a good light in any event) then hopefully he will just plain cool off. You can give me a call if you need to talk -- you know I"m always here. He's been reactive before (I remember when you were trying to make decisions about Oliver he got all worked up and thought he had to make a snap decision) and has come to his senses. That doesn't make YOU feel any better right now, unfortunately. *hugs*

rwbeagles

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:20:54 PM

Moderator hat is on...
I'd like to see this thread stay constructive as well as supportive, and for you all to remember that the OP has some emotional attachment to the person you are typing about or else she'd not have married him.

If you have something you MUST say and it's involving some real serious zingers, choice words including profanity, removing various body parts etc [

]...please use PM.
Thank you.

ETA: Those here who recall a member Tinks_Mom...know why I have posted this warning.

outdoorschik

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:21:49 PM

rwbeagles... you are right, we've had our share of issues, and before and after we got married there's been a fair share a difficult fights. Normally it's over, him not wanting Snickers (as I mentioned she had gotten worse while hiking her which is why I switched to fully contained hiking on trails that are empty or on private property and intended to get a behaviorist... she's got HD and the arthritis finally got ot her this year, the pain makes her cranky as well... she's been a constant source of fighting. The other fights are over our differences in neatness levels... I'm not, he is lol but I've been making a serious, successful effort, and we do have an issue over the marriage itself since i laid on some pressure due to my own insecurities last year. I'm not blameless in the least, but I am worried about him and wish he would consider counseling at least for himself , though he never would. I guess Im saying... we;ve been pretty good for a little while and I'd been feeling really good about our success in working things out. then this.. he always blows up very quickly and easily. he is incredibly good at making a decision and sticking with it regardless of me or my opinion. He did spend a little time tonight listening to how I felt about this which I really appreciated... we normally can't do that. I'm worried about him right now driving to who knows where... upset. He doesn'[t have a cell and I have no way to know if he's ok.

miranadobe

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:22:14 PM

Wowsa, that's quite an ultimatum that sounds like it was spoken in the heat of the situation. Everything has just happened, and the intensity has likely impacted the severity of his reaction. Give him a few days to come to some better answers - he may rescind this divorce action. In the meantime, what sort of professional evaluation has Snickers had from an aggression specialist (trainer or behaviorist) so far? You seem pretty savvy and may already know what needs to be done for her, but your husband may be more receptive/accepting if the answers come from a third, impartial party. You're not far from me and I'd be happy to refer you to someone for the eval.

Not knowing you very well, I'd say he's generally entitled to a heated over-reaction the evening of such an event. But, I'm keeping fingers crossed he comes to a better conclusion soon. I hope Cathy (Cakana) comes along shortly - she's really good w/this stuff.

Sending you wishes for some sleep tonight - I suspect you'll be tossing and turning this all night long.

miranadobe

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:27:31 PM

And,of course, my post comes in after all these other good ones. Sorry to be redundant. But if I must, then I will repeat that I'm sending good thoughts you can get some rest and you two can communicate clearly and lovingly tomorrow.

BEVOLASVEGAS

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:28:05 PM

As much as I would like to give you some profound advice or insight, I really don#%92t know what to say. I agree with Gina in the fact that most relationships are not going to be made or broken with such a petty disagreement & there are likely other underlying problems that need to be addressed. All I can offer you is an ear if you need it.

outdoorschik

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:28:55 PM

Callie... you said it when you called it trumped up and reactive... he can be very reactive, very forceful and demanding when he has decided something and dramatic. this is not the first time he's threatened divorce in our short marriage, but this time is very different. He may calm down later but i don't feel that this would be the end of it and to be quite honest knowing him as well as I do, I don't expect him to calm down... nearly exactly as callie described it, I expect him to use this choice of his to justify leaving me because I am, in his words, "that da&n psycho".

It's one thing to sit with me and have a serious heart to heart about snickers and how he feels and make a decision together, it's another to react like this and knwoing me as well as he does force me to make a terrible choice. i feel like if he truly loved me and wanted to be in this he's at least stay, maybe sleep in a different room, cool off and talk. He said it was his was or the highway.

Callie is right.. .it does feel like "emotional blackmail" and i've had to try so hard to be what he wanted and change in so many ways, I'd so bitter if I did give up snickers for him... because certainly it wouldn't stop there.

willowchow

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:30:05 PM

I'm sorry your going thru this.
I'm thinking Gina and Callie are right in that he's gonna cool off or something bigger is really the issue.

I can honestly say that Willow hauling off and biting DH would be a deal breaker for her. He's forgiven her a lot of growls in the past and aloof behavior from her also but biting is something I would not expect him to live with. But, then again, I've been afraid of her myself in the past. So, I know how stressful that is. You're afraid to move in your own home. It stinks. So, as much as I love her I wouldn't expect him to live like that.

Believe me, I know how tough this would be. I love this dog with all my heart and I've done so much to help her with no regrets at all.

Maybe if you got on a strict training, NILIF, no dogs on furniture, strict lifestyle like that he'd be willing to give it another try. Like I said my DH forgave many, many times. But, there were times when he would go on about how "she's got to go." But, he worked at it with me and always felt better when I didn't make excuses for her. I worked at correcting what was going on. And, gave him advice on what he should be doing.

Anyway, good luck.
Lori

outdoorschik

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:40:43 PM

Mirandadobe - thanks, i'd like the referral. I've been planning on taking her tohttp://ebonykennel.com/, as it was referred to me. I've had her working with an individual trainer, but that was years ago. she spent the first eight months of her life in a kennel. She had slight fear aggression and leash aggression soon after I got her, but I got it under control through working with the trainer on gradual desensitization getting closer and closer to the target and positive reinforcement. Around when DH came into the pcitureit started to get worse... i can't blame him, it's not his fault, but he'd be stressed is she barked, hold her lesh tight, she'd sense that tesnions and react, the cylce got worse over the few years he's been hiking with her til recently when he decided he would no longer take her anywhere and the fights started. I plan on getting her to a behaviorist by august/september... I'm currently in grad school full time set to graduate in two weeks. Infact I had an interview today for a really great position. So, I'm in a place where I can get someone to ork with her again and get some pointers. Honestly though, she and the new dog should be sleeping on teh floor in crates. She shouldn't be disturbed with her pain issues and the new dog should never have gotten this much "status" in our house so quickly.

thanks for the good wishes.. i do hope to calm down and get some sleep... I am not hopeful about being able to communicate lovingly and calmly tomorrow, I wish so badly I was in a relationship that could be like that. It is normally me trying to change or justifying his views and going along. I just think this... is too much.

thanks gina... for the warning.. I won't get upset if people choose to post something negative about him or me. we are both to blame. I know he's got his issues and I'm sure I do as well. And I do remember that other thread with tink's mom

calliecritturs

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:44:28 PM

Knowing him (which isn't a great deal --it's just that you and I have known each other a long long time) as I kinda do, my guess is that Snicker's health issues probably are a big trigger in this. He defines his life by his outdoors activities and I'm sure he's seeing her as holding him back.

But it's like I've said before -- if it doesn't work, it's better not to have invested 25 years into something and THEN feel like you've wasted time. So far you're thinking is good and sound ... if he walks it's his choice. You are still the lady who is gonna do the right thing -- and that's fine.

The fact that he left gives you time to sit and think thru various scenarios and endings so you don't have to react in a heartbeat. Can you feel that hug I'm sending you?? (if it's cold and wet it's Oliver's nose thom not me, ok??)

outdoorschik

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:45:03 PM

lori... to be honest, and I said this to DH before he left, if snickers had truly hauled off and bit him, attacked him aggressively, it might be a deal breaker for her. or at least a point where there were some huge changes and a disucssion of other options for his and others safety. Truth is, he got in teh middle inadvertently, of a dog fight... anyone could have and would have gotten bitten in that position. I know she has a problem, because they shoudln't have been fighting, and I have a problem for having gotten so lax, knowing what I know, but do I think she is a danger to people... no, not unless they are breaking up a fight and I think any dog could do that. I may be wrong though.. should I realize that she is more dangerous then I describe? do you think he may have a point?
thanks so much for your words and input, especially since I know you've gone through so much with Willow.

calliecritturs

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:49:19 PM

aha .... you graduate in TWO weeks. That lessens your 'dependance' on him and probably increases his angst ... once you are not a student you'll be more an 'equal' and that may scare him too.

Just plain strap on your surfboard and ride it out girl. You are someone I respect highly ... you *will* make your way thru this and be better for it no matter *how* it goes.

outdoorschik

Posted : 4/13/2007 11:54:26 PM

Callie...you are right, we have known each other for quite a while

I think right now I'm at a place where I've finally reached a point that i can't do this thing that he wants me to do... it hurts that i know he says that "dog is more important than him or our relationship" but that's just not fair or true. I just feel like if at some level he truly loved me and wanted to this work he wouldn't demand i make this choice, he'd at least support me through coming up with a new plan for how to handle this. I know it's better to know now rather than waaaay in the future... but things were getting better and i was feeling good about the cohice to be together, i felt that we were working through our issues. I just feel like getting rid of my dog, because i'm given an ultimatum, without being given the chance to make choices and changes, is unfair. Especially the fact that I said to him... even if i did agree to get rid of her, one week is certainly ont enough to find a good home for any dog... and then he said I could just put her down.. that just makes me so upset he could say that.

Right now I'm worried about his safety...so long as he is safe and not feeling desperate about all of this, enough to put himself at risk or hurt himself.

editted to add - Callie I'm not sure if he feels threatened by me graduating, but soemtimes I do think there is a deeper unhappiness in him that is not related to me or our relationship. Sometimes I think this need to control everyone and make "secure, solid, safe" decisions and not back down is the root of something else. Depression runs in his family and during our other fights sometimes i wondered if it really wasn't me at all...or at least not mostly. I know an incident like this can cause someone to really get upset and have a strong reaction, but this strong just didn't feel or seem right or healthy.

I think the tears have worn me out enough... I'm going to try and sleep... i called my sister in law earlier to ask her to pick up her two dogs tomorrow and cut their trip short, it's realy just too much for my to have them here right now too. i felt terrible asking it but i've just reached my limit.