Help me please, need advice

I'm so sorry Amy. What a tough situation. I really can't give any more advice than what's already been said. We don't know him. Only you know in your heart what's best for YOU. I think counseling is a good idea, even if it's just to get everything out between you. Good luck. {{hugs}}

I was married at 20 and just had my 25th anniversary in December, so it CAN work.  However, the statistics are against young marriage.  Wow--we are ALL agreeing with Billy tonight.  I think I will go buy a lottery ticket!

I don't have anything else to add but just remember that we are all here for you.[]

I am sorry, trust me I know exactly how much this sucks for you.  I can't offer any advice, but I will offer my story in hopes that it may bring a different prespective.  I was dating my ex-bf for 3 years & was engaged to him for a year.  He cheated on me during the second year of dating, but he told me.  I felt that since he was adult enough to tell me rather than to let me find out on my own (she was a mutual friend)  then I could give him a second chance.  We went through counselling & I felt that we had a very solid relationship.  A year later he proposed & I accepted.  We ick May 26, 2007 to be our wedding date.  Sunday night I found out that he had been seeing someone while he has been out of town on a business trip.  I accidentally found out this time & he initially tried to deny it, until I could give him details as to how much I knew.  I felt & still feel horribly betrayed.  By Monday morning all of my bridesmaids (15 of them) & some of the groomsmen ( & my family had been called & informed that there would be no wedding.  By noon on Monday, most of the other guest knew about my cancellation.  I made my decision as quickly & decisively as I did because I knew that if I didn't act quickly then I may decide not to act at all.  I feel that my relationship was based on love & trust in one another.  Once that trust is broken, it is very hard to mend.  The only advice I can offer is...  Hold off on children, if your marriage is meant to work then kids can come later.  If it is meant to fail, then kids should not have to be involved.  Having children now may only serve as a band aid for your relationship, and eventually even the strongest band aid peels off.

Amy, I don't have anything more to add -- everyone has posted some excellent advice -- but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  Every situation is different, and only you can decide what will be best for you in the long run.  I definitely agree that counseling and holding off on having a baby would be advisable.  I hope you can get lots of help and support as you work through this, whether it's with a counselor, or with friends or family, etc.   Sending you good vibes and a hug!

(btw - WOW!  loads of comments and I'm trying to be sure this hasn't been said yet, but here goes... and understand that I intuit and assume a decent amount here, so please don't be upset if I'm completely wrong or offbase.  You can just ignore it.  [])
First, I get the idea that DH was possibly/probably drinking during these episodes w/the "friend".  Could explain the "not remembering".  Immaturity (if that's it) + alcohol leads to some pretty damned stupid decisions.  It's unfortunate or disgusting (depending on your perspective) that he didn't feel enough remorse to stop after the first time.  But, heck, "friend" didn't give him any reason to until she decided to accept the remorse once you guys were married.
 
Second, as for her "coming clean" now... I get the impression that you have a wide and varied circle of friends.  Some of whom may know about your recent relationship concerns- and could be talking about it and the recent improvements (and, big jump here, the talk of babies??? I doubt you'd be telling friends that yet, but, it would add fuel to any speculative convos about you and DH among people who even pseudo-know you.)  She may feel "obligated" to tell you now so that you aren't blindly traisping down the yellow brick road.  Awfully presumptuous of her (as a distant friend) to presume she knows anything, really, of your current relationship.
 
Which brings me to the last point... I honestly think you have to look at your current relationship.  Dealing with past transgressions now may or may not be like rubbing a dog's nose in it's poop.  Doesn't excuse it in the least, but doesn't always make it punishably applicable to the here/now.  (I do, however, detest that he continued to lie about it, while also presuming the reason was to leave it in the past.)  What's here and now is the question of your trust in his fidelity (which could notably and understandably be affected by this recent news), his honesty to you, his committment to you and yours to him, your ability to find common ground, and presumably a plan to move forward.  Give yourself plenty of time and space to work all that through... and having a baby would just shrink your window of time and space, so I'd put that plan on hold until you feel secure again. 
I wish you LOADS of good luck and strength and clarity of thought as you make your decisions.  Only you know how you feel in your gut and what is right for you and your life and your family.

Amy... I'm really sorry. I know how hard this is. I think this is a decision only you can make, but take it from me (and lots of other people sounds like!) that gaining that trust back is *very* hard. Considering he denied it and lied for so long... even if you get through the initial problems, you will most likely have trust issues that last years and that will turn into resentment for both you. Try counselling if you want to work on it... but, again this is such a personal decision and one that you have to go with from your gut.

All the best, lots of good wishes and hugs.

I appreciate everyones thoughts.  I am more confused than ever though after reading them.  I honestly dont know what I want to do.  I dont know in my heart.  I know I wish it didnt happen... I know I want to be with him, I know I dont want to be with a liar, and I know I probably WILL hang this over his head forever. 

This would be more than walking away from a 5 year marriage.  I met DH when I was 12 and we started dating when I was 13.  Best friends came first and weve pretty much been inseperable since that time.   There were a few breakups and he was pretty awful to me at times.   Ive never dated OR been single.  So as hard as it is to admit I know part of my putting up with it all is just plain wanting to be with someone... fear of the unknown.  Fear of giving it all up or fear or wishing I had done things differntly.  Im a very diplomatic person which makes things hard for me.  I try to imagine every possible outcome and it essentially makes any sort of major desicion almost imposible.  Like now.  I think I realize that there is really no right or wrong and thats troublesome for my ability to come up with a decision. 

I agree we were young and should have waited.  Im not the same person I was at 19... of course not.  We have grown up together, through ALL those years... I have now spoken with this person daily (with very few exceptions) for almost 13 years.  I truly thought we had a very honest relationship.  Yes, Ive asked him about her plenty over the years, before we were married, and after, with the last time being maybe a year ago.  I made it very clear that I didnt care I just wanted to know, just wanted him to be honest.  Always got a no out of him. 

Of course he can be a geat guy and there are times when its great... but yes as Callie says... those times always sort of spin around to some similar problems.  And the discussions always sound the same, with him telling me he needs to grow up and is trying, that he needs to treat me better and is trying... all that nonsense.  I dont feel like I want to fix him I just feel like I want to believe it, like I dont want to walk away right when its about to change. 

Its almost not real at this point in my head.  Its not worth working on if I cant trust him and I obviously cant so why am I even considering this!  No I dont think his age is an excuse for it but I do find it hard to forget about all the good that has happened since then.  I dont know why the slut tells me this now.... I dont know why.  Im sure it was weighing on her, I know it would be weighing on me, but I wouldve said something a lot sooner.  Im glad she finally told me though.  I wish with all my heart it would have been him to tell me, things would be very different. 

Of course we're not sitll thinking of a baby, of course not. 

ETA:  And Im sure this all reflects on my self esteem, and Im able to admit its not the best.  I dont know why, maybe because Ive always been sort of codependant on him.  I want so badly to trust him and get over it but I feel like thats the wrong thing to do because if someone lied to me for so long they can and will do it again.  [][>:][&o][&:]

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

I met DH when I was 12 and we started dating when I was 13.  Best friends came first and weve pretty much been inseperable since that time... Ive never dated OR been single. 

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. [] I will say from what I've read (and my own experiences) that it sounds like you're staying with him out of dependence more than anything. I'm sure you love him, but you have no basis of comparison with the way another relationship could be. The fact that you've NEVER been single is huge with the fear and codependence.

There were a few breakups and he was pretty awful to me at times.  

That's a huge red flag to me. I think the defining moments are the way someone acts during a fight or when things aren't good. My ex-boyfriend that I lived with for 3 1/2 years is someone that I loved very, very much but there were a few times when he was downright nasty. Name calling, insults, etc. and made me feel about 2 inches tall at the time. I don't think he's a bad person, but I don't deserve to be treated that way, EVER. After reading your thread tonight I confessed something to my husband that I've been keeping to myself for months. Something I'm not proud of at all.... instead of calling me names or being mean, my husband was instantly forgiving and asked me to forgive myself. It's the complete opposite of how my ex-boyfriend would have handled the situation. It made me respect my husband more than ever and I feel closer to him than ever.

Anyway, if I were you I would really think about taking some time by yourself, for the first time ever. That could be very empowering and I think a little time and space is great for clarity. You may want to seek counseling also because being alone and co-dependent it's very easy to go back to a relationship because of the comfort and safety, even if it's not a healthy relationship.

Amy,  I'm very sorry you are having to go thru this. It hurts.  All I can offer is the knowledge that my grandmother divorced my grandfather back in the late 40's for cheating on her.  Back then divorce was not as easy an option as it is now.  A year later they re-married because she said she realized she was better with him than without him.  They had married young too - maybe you need to take this time to yourself and see what's better for you.  It may be you come back together stronger than ever or you both belong somewhere else.   My husband and I went thru a similar time but ours was due to the stress of having a child - that definitely shows where the marriage is weak.  Our marriage is stronger now but based on my experience if a man will lie to you to keep the peace or because he doesn't want to hurt you those actions will never change - he will keep things from you if he thinks best - can you live with that?  He can/may mature and not cheat on you but he will still try to protect you from things he thinks you shouldn't know.  I have learned to live with that, can you? 

ORIGINAL: probe1957

ORIGINAL: mmthomason
We do have self control no matter how young or immature we are.

So that 3 year old kid in the grocery store, screaming for mom to buy him this candy bar, can control himself, he just chooses not to?

I dont really see why everyone is turning on the friend.

Because the friend is a slut, would be my guess.  Perhaps you can think of a better word to describe someone who would be sexually involved with the fiance of a friend, but I can't.

If you are "mature" enough to make the decision to get married, you should be mature enough to control yourself and not cheat on your wife.

And I SHOULD be taller. []

Just because someone is immature doesnt give them an excuse to run around cheating on their wife.

Perhaps, but it is a fair indicator that they will.

 
So the friend (and she said DISTANT friend) is a slut but the husband is just immature? That makes a lot of sense.
 
No immaturity is not an excuse to cheat on your wife. And no it isnt an indicator that they will. I know plenty of people (as I have said) who are immature but would never cheat on their significant other. I am from the south, not sure if it is like this other places but almost all of my friends my age have children/are married and I am 25. I have only heard of one kid from my class cheating on his wife & this is a small town where if something like that happened everyone would know. And this is out of 40+ kids my age who have kids & who are married.
 
In my opinion that is what is wrong with people now days. Everyone has an excuse for everything a person does. He cheated on his wife-well they were young when they got married and he was immature so it is to be expected. It's okay that Joe robbed the bank, he is young and that is to be expected. Doesnt make sense to me. It doesnt matter how old you are, if you make a big decision like getting married, then you need to stick it out or not get married. I dont care how old you are, a 19 year old is perfectly capable of making a decision and sticking with it. As I said, there were 15, 16 ,17 year olds at my school who were pregnant/getting married. Do I think it is a good idea? NO. I am just saying other people make it work. And in this case there was no kid, the husband and wife just decided they cared enough about eachother to get married. Do I think that is a good idea? No.
 
There is a difference between a 3 year old yelling for a candy bar at the store and a 19 year old who decides to get married then decides to cheat on his wife. I dont know why people are making excuses for him. He cheated on his wife and he was knew what he was doing is wrong.
 
Again my biggest problem with this is the friend was the one who ended it. Her husband wanted to continue the affair behind his wife's back.  
 
I hope the OP does what she feels is right in her heart, because that is what she should be doing. She shouldnt be listening to what some people on the internet say, because only she knows what the best decision is. I wish her luck and hope that either way she will be happy.

Amy - you are loved here and among your family and friends.  We all will continue to support you with caring thoughts that the best works out for you and your husband.  BIIGG HUGGS!!
(((Amy)))
 

I was just reading your most recent post and I have to say it reminded me of how I felt when I broke up with my longterm boyfriend about five years ago. It almost feels like a death because when you grow up with someone they feel like part of you. It was hard for a while, but eventually I started to realize that the relationship wasn't good and was glad I was free of it. In addition, after a few years I met my current boyfriend and I am a much different person in this relationship. I really like who I am now compared to then. You learn from the past and don't make the same mistakes again I feel stronger, independent, and I'm a great girlfriend (not suspicious at all). I know things hopeless right now, and I'm not telling you to leave just telling you that if you do, you WILL be ok. You WILL find love again. You WILL get what you deserve.

I second ottoluvs comments 100%.  You sound like me when I was having a similar decision to make with my first BF.  Kicking that guy to the curb was the hardest thing I ever did, it was like cutting off an arm or a leg.  Really.  But it was the BEST thing I ever did, because that limb was gangrenous and I couldn't heal, my self esteem couldn't grow, without taking that plunge..... 
 
The fact I made that decision and was staunch when he came back pleading and begging did wonders for my self esteem as well - it was like when I'd done it I felt like yes I was strong, yes I could do this, it felt weird to be single after so long of being half of a couple (we too grew up together pretty much), when it ened I hit the ground SO HARD, but I bounced, and as I healed I was better and stronger than ever....  If you feel in your heart that your relationship will not recover from this and you need to cut your losses, DON'T let that fear you describe hold you back.... as scared as you are about it - well that's how good you will feel when you conquer that fear and take control, so take heart from that.

ETA: And Im sure this all reflects on my self esteem, and Im able to admit its not the best. I dont know why, maybe because Ive always been sort of codependant on him. I want so badly to trust him and get over it but I feel like thats the wrong thing to do because if someone lied to me for so long they can and will do it again.

 
Amy - these words are like alarm bells to me.  Low self-esteem and feeling betrayed are a perfect recipe for wanting to find someone who'll make you feel worthy, attractive and loved.  Be very careful [].
 
I've always been one to over-think things too. I used to call it analysis-paralysis.  I had such a  fear of making the wrong decision and then regretting it.  What growth and developing self-confidence does is to make you realize that even IF you make the wrong decision, you'll dust yourself and move on.  It's the belief that you're strong enough to face the obstacles, not avoid them.  Whether you stay or go, you are making a decision and either one may have some negative consequences.  In either case, you will deal with it though.  So try not to focus on the "what-ifs" and focus on what you think is the best decision for you in the longterm. 
 

ORIGINAL: cakana

ETA: And Im sure this all reflects on my self esteem, and Im able to admit its not the best. I dont know why, maybe because Ive always been sort of codependant on him. I want so badly to trust him and get over it but I feel like thats the wrong thing to do because if someone lied to me for so long they can and will do it again.

Amy - these words are like alarm bells to me. Low self-esteem and feeling betrayed are a perfect recipe for wanting to find someone who'll make you feel worthy, attractive and loved. Be very careful [].

I've always been one to over-think things too. I used to call it analysis-paralysis. I had such a fear of making the wrong decision and then regretting it. What growth and developing self-confidence does is to make you realize that even IF you make the wrong decision, you'll dust yourself and move on. It's the belief that you're strong enough to face the obstacles, not avoid them. Whether you stay or go, you are making a decision and either one may have some negative consequences. In either case, you will deal with it though. So try not to focus on the "what-ifs" and focus on what you think is the best decision for you in the longterm.

I am really sorry that this happened to you. I can only imagine the pain of what you're going through. I don't know what else to say other than tell you I would have a hard time staying with someone that cheated on me. But that's ME and this didn't happen to me. And like others have said, only you know what is best for you. I know that I agree with the post that I quoted. You'll find out what's best for you by living through it.

Again, I am really sorry that you're going through this.