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Help me please, need advice

Posted : 3/13/2007 12:51:00 AM

I need help with a major decision. A lot has been going on in my life... mainly working a lot, and working on my relationship with DH. I know some of you know what we were going through recently. That all worked out and things have been better than ever between the two of us. We had decided and have been trying for a baby.. things have been good, really good.

Then I get a phone call from a friend. A distant friend I guess you could call her. We have the same friends and are in fact friends but have never been too close or comfortable around each other. I honestly always got a weird vibe from her, just never knew what it was. Anyway.

She calls to tell me that she has something thats been weighing heavily on her for too long and its just eating away at her and she needs to finally tell me and get it out there.

She tells me that her and DH were sleeping together while we were dating and engaged. Only about 5 times, spread over a few months. (We were engaged for a very short time, about 3 months). That he has always groped her (chest and crotch) when they were alone in a playful way. And that about 6 months after we were married he walked up behind her and sort of hug gropage of the privates thing. She told him at that point to stop it that he was married now and not to ever do that again and that was the last of it. She also asked him several times about telling me and he said no way. I have asked him about her numerous times when it came up in my head and he always said no.

So I get home and bring this up to him and he is of course sorry. He says he doesnt really recall doing that after we were married but believes it, as he says hes sure she remembers it all better than he does. He says he has never done anything like that with anyone else and never would. That he wanted to tell me but didnt know how... all this stuff. I dont know what to believe anymore.

You think you know a person.... I just feel 100% at a loss about what to do. I dont want to let this ruin our relationship because it was so long ago.... but he cheated on me and lied to me. And HES not even the one who ended it! She told him to stop. Im so deeply hurt I cant even put it into words. He is my best friend, so I feel betrayed in more ways than one. I just dont know what to do. Of course I want to be able to work this out but I dont want to be stupid. I dont know what to do. It also makes me want to puke to think of him doing it. Playing scenes over in my head with me and hiom together and him saying I love you and stuff and then when Im not looking go grab another girl. Makes me want to puke. Ive never done anything of the sort and I sure as heck dont deserve that. Say that was it and he does regret it and he would never again, he still DID it! ??

Can you all tell me what you would do? Weve been married for 5 years now. We were 19 when we got married so it was very young. I just dont know. Help. Guys..? Is that the end of it, would he do this again... girls?... am I stupid for even considering working through this, or am I stupid for even considering letting it effect anything? Trust is a biggie for me, so is honesty. I will always have this on my mind it feels like.[&o]

jjsmom06

Posted : 3/13/2007 1:32:43 AM

Amy, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I don#%92t have any good advice at the moment because it is late and my head is not real clear right now so I am going to hold off on much advice until the morning and think things through a little more.

You are defiantly NOT stupid for letting this effect the way you feel but it can be hard to decide what path to take. AT the very least should you two decide to work through this I think you need to see a counselor to work through some of your feelings AND I would suggest perhaps the two of you seeking counseling together too. I am not sure what your “other problems” have been that you mention in your post but it sounds like there is a lot going on and perhaps some therapy can really help things right now.

Raja19

Posted : 3/13/2007 2:34:04 AM

Oh no I'm so sorry Amy. Personally it depends on your feelings about cheating. '
There are some people who I think can let it go and trust him that he would never do it again.

But, I know myself and I would not be able to do that. No matter how good things were, I would always be thinking about about what he did to me and I don't think I would be able to forgive him. That is just me though, I know I would always be worrying abouthim doing it again, and everytime he looked at a girl I would probabaly be paranoid.

Yet there are people, my sister included that can sort of get over it. And let it rest. I worry too much and am too insecure and I think it would really really hurt me and totally look at that person differently.

I would also suggest cousiling. That could be a step.

Did he explain why he did it?...not that there is ever a reason to cheat, but it could change things depending on why he did it.

RoyallyYours

Posted : 3/13/2007 2:54:19 AM

I'm sorry I have no advice. {{{Hugs}}} Why did she feel the need to tell you after so long, though?

dubilpie

Posted : 3/13/2007 5:00:57 AM

First thing I would do is

ut off having a baby. You are still young and I wouldn't even think about it for a few more years. Bringing a baby into a troubled marriage is not fair for anyone.
I think you and dh need counseling both together and on your own.
I am sorry you have to go through this.

forpaws

Posted : 3/13/2007 7:27:09 AM

Amy, sorry you are going thru such a rough time.

I think Linda, has some wonderful advise and I agree with her in that bringing in a child into a troubled marriage is not going to improve things between you and DH.
Counseling is an excellent idea for the two of you.
Hugs to you my friend. I know the pain of being cheated on and so does my DH. Second marriage for the both of us.

gradyupmybutt

Posted : 3/13/2007 7:52:50 AM

Amy, hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with what Linda said. Just know that my heart goes out to you. ((AMY))

NicoleS

Posted : 3/13/2007 8:19:25 AM

Amy, I'm sorry to hear about this. I know it's going to be tough to get through no matter what you choose.

If you honestly believe that he loves you and is willing to work on this with you, then *I* would try to work it out, do the counseling thing if you need it. But that's me. And of course we have a slightly different past than you do. I can tell you that when DH and I were dating, we were only together about 5 months before I moved 300 miles away for college. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but we stayed together to see what happened. Within the first few weeks I met an older guy, who knew I had a boyfriend, and let him kiss me. I knew it wasn't what I wanted and it tore me up to think about what I had done - that wasn't the person I was. But on the other hand, I was in college and finally "free." I felt like crap. I told Josh what happened, not long after that, and left the decision up to him - it truly really hurt him and for that I will always be sorry. But somehow, someway we made it, even long distance, through that first year apart and have been together ever since. With never even another thought in my head of *ever* doing that again.

So I truly know what it's like to make a mistake and regret it every day. We haven't really talked about that happened since then, though I'd like to know if it still ever bothers him anymore. But he forgave me and still wanted to marry me and be with me forever. So if it happened to us, I know I would try to make it work since he believed in me back then. But again, that's just me and my perspective. I truly think that it's possible to be sorry and work through it but only if both of you are 100% commited to doing so.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long story - but that's how I would go about it. Again just me.

Hugs and I wish you two the best, whatever that might be for you.

Michelle

Posted : 3/13/2007 9:31:32 AM

Linda hit the nail on the head . . . for God's sake don't get pregnant. And counseling, counseling, counseling. I seem to recall you weren't too enthusiastic about it from earlier discussions, but I honestly believe if you all are to have a chance it is a necessity. And if you are not, it will be healing for you to deal with the betrayal and set the stage for you to be able to trust again someday. If finances are an issue and if you're near a college campus, many have training centers where you can obtain low-cost, very good care. Generally you have at least two Ph.D. level therapists (sometimes even more) supervising each case, so you'll get the benefit of many years of experience and points of view, and if you don't feel like you and the therapist are a fit, it's easy to change to another student. I am so sorry this happened for you, especially when you thought things were getting on track.

RidgebackGermansShep

Posted : 3/13/2007 9:46:04 AM

Oh my gosh. I don't really know what to tell you, since i am not married. But, personally i feel like i would be so deeply hurt that i don't think i could go on with everything being okay. To me, cheating is the ultimate insult. Hopefully he's willing to be faithful from now on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Benedict

Posted : 3/13/2007 10:09:53 AM

Amy,

Let me preface this by saying that I apologise in advance if what I say isn't what you want to hear. I am simply going to be honest and share my own viewpoint here.

Long ago my SO and I got into a discussion about cheating. There was no particular reason for the discussion (neither one of us had cheated) but it's sort of one of those things you discuss early in a relationship, so that you know where the other person stands on the issue. I told him then, and maintain still, that were he to cheat on me the outcome would depend greatly on one specific thing: HOW I found out. If he were to come to me, admit what he did and apologise, I would move heaven and earth to make our relationship work despite what had happened. However, if I found out by any other means then that's it - he's lost his chance. I do not ever, ever want to be put in the position of being told something that devastating by anyone but him.

What strikes me about your story (assuming this other woman is telling the truth about everything) is that she had asked him to tell you, and he refused. In light of that I personally wouldn't be able to believe that "he wanted to tell you but didn't know how". Saying something like that is very easy to do AFTER he has already been caught. It would have taken guts, effort and commitment to the relationship to tell you himself.

Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for, and whether HE is worth the work you will have to put into trusting him again. If you think you can trust him again, with time, and that it is worth it, then I suggest counselling and as someone else said, definitely put the baby plans on hold. If you think you won't be able to go the rest of your life not looking over your shoulder and questioning everything he says (and that's not any kind of criticism, that is a natural reaction to the situation) then realise that YOU DESERVE BETTER than to live your life like that.

Kate

mrstjohnson

Posted : 3/13/2007 10:34:13 AM

Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for, and whether HE is worth the work you will have to put into trusting him again. If you think you can trust him again, with time, and that it is worth it, then I suggest counselling and as someone else said, definitely put the baby plans on hold. If you think you won't be able to go the rest of your life not looking over your shoulder and questioning everything he says (and that's not any kind of criticism, that is a natural reaction to the situation) then realise that YOU DESERVE BETTER than to live your life like that.

Kate's right Amy. You need to decided if you want to fight for your marriage. If you want to go into counseling, etc.

I think if I had found out that my DH had cheated on me before we were married, then I would stick with it and try to make it work. A lot of it has to do with my beliefs about good times vs. bad, etc. However, if he was actively cheating on me now and didn't show any signs of remorse, etc. that would be a whole different story.

It sounds like this was a long time ago and you both were very young, things and people change. 19 is very young to make the decision that this is the only person you will be with for the rest of your life. Many people make that decision and never look back, while others have a harder time accepting that step no matter how much they want to make it. However, if you don't think you could ever trust him and he doesn't want to help gain your trust back, then you will need to make some heafty decisions.

tina robinson

Posted : 3/13/2007 10:48:48 AM

I can only give advice from the side of the cheater, I admit that I did it, I am not proud of it, but it happened. I did it because I was not ready to be in a serious relationship, I was also 19 and had no idea how to get out of it that seemed like a way out. After the first time I told him, and he said we could work it out, well I did it again, and then a third time, before growing up and leaving him. I can tell you that he never tried to work it out, he held it over my head every chance he got, I dont think it is something that is easy to let go, and move on from, for either person. I did bring a child into this, although by accident, I may have left him before cheating the second time if not for our son, I cant say for sure, but I really think I would have.

Kate said Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for, and whether HE is worth the work you will have to put into trusting him again. If you think you can trust him again, with time, and that it is worth it, then I suggest counselling and as someone else said, definitely put the baby plans on hold. If you think you won't be able to go the rest of your life not looking over your shoulder and questioning everything he says (and that's not any kind of criticism, that is a natural reaction to the situation) then realise that YOU DESERVE BETTER than to live your life like that.

But so does he, I know what he did was wrong, I am not defending him, but having my ex not trust anything I did made it worse for me as well as him, he was never comfortable with me doing anything, and it made me hate and resent him. Now we both have much happier lives, we may have been able to stay together had I never told him about the first time I did it, I would have never been untrustworthy to him, and I would not have carried those feelings towards him.

I know I kind of rambled there, I do not want to give you advice, only you can do what is right for you, I am just hopeing to add some perspective on the situation. We were together for just over 6 years, 1 and a half years before I cheated on him and our son was 3 when we split as well, although we never actually married.

Prince_Pride

Posted : 3/13/2007 11:04:06 AM

ORIGINAL: Benedict

.....What strikes me about your story (assuming this other woman is telling the truth about everything) is that she had asked him to tell you, and he refused. In light of that I personally wouldn't be able to believe that "he wanted to tell you but didn't know how". Saying something like that is very easy to do AFTER he has already been caught. It would have taken guts, effort and commitment to the relationship to tell you himself.......

I have to say that I totally agree with this. I have been cheated on as well, not by DH but by my ex-bf who I was living with for over 3yrs. I was ready to marry him but found out that he cheated on me. Not from him, but 3 months later when someone wrote a note and stuck it on my car. I still to this day have no idea who left the note on my car informing me of my not so truthful boyfriend.

I just do not see how someone who is in a committed relationship and engaged can sleep with someone 5 times and then still grope that person up AFTER being married. You would think that after the 1st time he would have realized the mistake and never did it again. And then be man enough to tell you what had happened.

I don't have any other advice other than take time for yourself and your thoughts. And maybe even go to counseling - for yourself. You are the only one that knows if this relationship is worth fighting for. You have been together 5yrs, which is a long time for your DH to keep this secret. Is there anything else he has kept from you for this long? And is there any way you can trust him again?? That is the main question to ask yourself....if there is no trust there is no relationship, IMO.

Michelle

Posted : 3/13/2007 11:25:24 AM

After rereading your post, it strikes me that this happened when your DH was 19 a very young age and the groping behavior you described is very adolescent, which is what he was. Immaturity is no excuse, but who among us hasn't done some pretty stupid stuff. Yes, betrayal is awful, but so is getting in a car drunk and endangering the LIVES of yourself, your passengers and others on the road. I know a lot of people that have done that as stupid teenagers, some even here on this forum! My point is, at first I didn't think too much hope should be placed on salvaging this relationship, but after thinking about it, there might still be the building blocks for something new, if that's what you want. I can't say it enough though, counseling is the only way to navigate this.