Help me please, need advice

Amy - I'm real sorry that you're having to sort thru this and please give yourself enough time to digest it all before you make any decisions.  As I've said before, I'm a big advocate of counseling.  Either for the 2 of you, or you go alone and sort thru some of your feelings.  What I really want so say though is, please do not start working on a baby right now.  It wasn't too long ago that you were struggling with the idea of the marriage working.  I know that the honeymoon feeling that comes when things settle down can be overwhelming and make you feel like all is well, and always will be, but please give it some time.  You're both still very young and these things may work themselves out, but bringing a baby into the mix will only confuse things. 

I just do not see how someone who is in a committed relationship and engaged can sleep with someone 5 times and then still grope that person up AFTER being married. You would think that after the 1st time he would have realized the mistake and never did it again. And then be man enough to tell you what had happened.

 
Prince, sorry for chopping up your post.
 
But, this part I totally agree with, he is not sorry he did it, he tried to continue that behavior, and she put the stop to it.......he is sorry he got caught.
 
IMO, you are married to a cheater without remorse, I would almost bet he has tried, or has other things going on at this point.

I can't offer any advice (other than to say counseling, with the right counselor, can be a really positive experience), but I'm so sorry you had to hear this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be right now. Get some big hugs and kisses from Bailey!

Want the opinion of a man?  An old man who was married at 19 and had a baby at 20?
 
I think 19 year old girls are a hell of a lot more mature than 19 year old boys, but neither are anywhere near mature enough that they should consider marriage at that age.  You see, if you are married young, the problem is, you are going to grow up WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED.  At the end of this process, it is quite possible that one party to the marriage just might not like what the other has become.  It is a gamble that is difficult for a prudent person to recommend that someone take.  I don't know what the failure rate of marriage is, if you are married at 19, but it has to approach 100%.
 
All that being said, there is a hell of a difference between a 19 year old boy and a 25 year old man.  This behavior occurred a long time ago and that should be taken into consideration.  Furthermore, I have to wonder about what motivated this "friend" to tell you this after all this time.  It HAS to be more than it was just eating her up.  She wanted to hurt you, and she succeeded.
 
I really don't have any advice to offer other than to reiterate what has already been said -- do not bring a baby into this mess.  That won't fix anything.

I think Billy and saveastray have valid points. Age and maturity, and lack thereof are going to need to be considered. IMO 19 may be adult in age...but far from it mentality wise...in many, many cases.
 
I'd not be surprised if this woman were carrying a torch, and hoping starting a bonfire will fan some flames her way.

I agree that age and maturity factors into his behaviour, absolutely.  It's not an excuse, but it is a factor.  My point of view (as stated in my earlier post) was partly coming from Amy's statement that she had repeatedly asked her husband about this particular woman and he had always denied that anything had happened.  If I am reading the post correctly (and please, Amy, let me know if I am wrong) those questions were over the course of a fairly long period of time - maybe even years.
 
So while it is true that he was young when he did this, and it may very well be the case that this woman is trying to stir up some crap, my biggest problem with the behaviour is that he lied to Amy about it.  Repeatedly.
 
Kate

I think an incident can be forgiven, but a behavior pattern is something totally different.
How long would this have gone on had the friend not put the brakes on?
Some men never grow up, no matter how old they are.

I have a question, why the heck did this "friend" call you since it happened so long ago. It seems a little strange that it's been weighing on her for years and she calls now (maybe I missed this part in the origional post). Kinda makes you wonder what the real situation is with her and the husband and what may have changed recently. I tend to agree that the ability to cheat on a spouse/SO is a character flaw and isn't something that can be changed There will always be instances of a person here or there who changed their ways, but in my experience the behavior patter repeats itself again and again.

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles

I think Billy and saveastray have valid points.

That's a statement I never thought I'd see[]!

Actually everybody has brought up good points. How he's reacted when confronted since then in the past, how he reacted when you confronted him just now, if you've had suspicions since then, etc. There's just so many factors to go into. I think if you were in BEVOLASVEGAS's situation, we'd all say cut and run (just like we have to her), but you guys are married and have a child, which does make it different.

Can I just add that what you do at 19 or 20 doesn't automatically make you immature and not ready for life, etc and excuse actions.  I understand for some people, it's too young and they aren't mature, but I'm not sure that I would go as far as to say things like the failure rate of marriage that young is nearly 100%.  Not without scientific evidence. 
 
I was married at 20, DH was a few days shy of 20.  We have been married two years and very little has changed between us, except in a good way.  We might be an exception, or maybe you would say that down the road we might have issues, but it's not automatic.  We are and were old enough to know right from wrong and what we were getting into.  Even if something happens in 10 years, doesn't make us getting married immature or wrong.  And that's not to say if we waited until we were 25 that the same things don't happen.
 
I just want to say this....  maybe immaturity played a role in his actions at that point in time, but his actions now, not telling her and like Kate said, repeatedly lying, well that's different.  That's not just a one-time mistake made in the heat of the moment when you were young.  That's continuously deceiving.
 
But if I could believe him, that this had only happened over a short period of time a long time ago, well that's very different than still on going.  Each person is different, though, and has to decide what they can live with and accept and forgive. 

Furthermore, I have to wonder about what motivated this "friend" to tell you this after all this time.  It HAS to be more than it was just eating her up.  She wanted to hurt you, and she succeeded.

Billy has a really good point here. And I also wouldn't fault your DH for not telling you. What's the point? Women think we have to share all our painful secrets so we don't have to carry them alone. You know what that does? It just passes the pain on to someone else. You DH probably just didn't want to hurt you. I can see no benefit to him telling you this - see how much it hurt coming from your friend? Would you have suffered at all if you never found out?

This was many years ago. Have you had any reason what-so-ever to think he did anything like this afteer you were married? If not, let it go - after you ask your friend why she knowing slept with your man. She's just a culpable in this as he is.

ORIGINAL: jenhuedepohl

Furthermore, I have to wonder about what motivated this "friend" to tell you this after all this time.  It HAS to be more than it was just eating her up.  She wanted to hurt you, and she succeeded.

Billy has a really good point here. And I also wouldn't fault your DH for not telling you. What's the point? You DH probably just didn't want to hurt you. I can see no benefit to him telling you this - see how much it hurt coming from your friend? Would you have suffered at all if you never found out?

I find this false. Why did her DH not want her to know? Because she would be mad & he might possibly leave. If he didnt want to hurt her, he wouldnt have done what he did. Or he would have ended it when they got married. We do have self control no matter how young or immature we are.

I dont really see why everyone is turning on the friend. Yup, she should have told her earlier, but if they are friends and DH said not to, I can see why she did. Sometimes things just eat you up inside until you HAVE to say something..

They were both wrong and are equally to blame.

One of my good friends growing up was dating a guy. Well friend X (not me!!) and boyfriend "hooked up" for a night. So my friend growing up has since forgiven her boyfriend but remains mad at the friend. Does this make sense?

I dont know why the friend is always to blame. Especially since in this case, friend was the one who put a stop to it. DH wanted to keep having "relations" with woman even after they are married.

Both are at fault in this situation and I agree, do not try to have a baby, and go to counseling or find someone else who you can trust. That would be the issue, can you trust him? Do you think it was a one time thing? 

It's easy to say when you are far away and really dont know the person you are giving advice to but quite frankly, by what you have said, I dont think you should stay with him. What really bothers me is the fact that he wanted to continue the relationship with your friend despite the fact you were married. Age doesnt have anything to do with it IMO....Sure he was immature but he made the decision (along with the OP) to get married. It's like a murderer saying "well I was only 19 when I killed so and so and I didnt know any better, so I shouldnt have to go to jail". It's not true, they knew better they just couldnt/wouldnt express self control.

If you are "mature" enough to make the decision to get married, you should be mature enough to control yourself and not cheat on your wife. Or you should not get married.

Just because someone is immature doesnt give them an excuse to run around cheating on their wife. I know quite a few immature people who are young & married, do you think all of them run around cheating on eachother?

ORIGINAL: NicoleS
 but I'm not sure that I would go as far as to say things like the failure rate of marriage that young is nearly 100%.  Not without scientific evidence. 

 
A couple of years ago my 19 year old (at the time) step daughter was talking about getting married.  This boy was about to join the Army.  Present, as we were trying to talk the kids out of getting married, were me, my wife, the boy's mother and the Army recruiter.  Every one of us (exclusive of the kids) had married at a young age and every one of us was divorced.  Now a sample of 4 might not be statistically significant but still, that represents a 100% failure rate.
 
To your point though, allow me to rephrase and perhaps come closer to satisfying your objection -- my impression is that people who marry at a young age divorce at a much higher rate than does the population in general.  My personal, albeit limited, "scientific study" supports the contention that that this divorce rate does indeed approach 100%.  []

We have been married two years

 
The same people I describe previously, 100% of whom married young and 100% of whom were divorced, the shortest marriage was 7 years.  Mine was the longest, at 24 years.  So don't start counting your chickens just yet.  []
 

We might be an exception,

 
You might be and I hope you are.  My parents were an exception, in fact.  Mother was 16 when they got married.  If my 16 year old daughter came to me wanting to get married, I would slap the snot out her.  [:@]  But my point is, getting married young defies logic and is problematic.  If getting married is the right thing to do at 19, it will be right at 25.  However, the vast majority of the time, if you wait until you are 25, you won't want to marry the same person you were considering at 19.  My step daughter's boyfriend, the one she wanted to marry, was out of the picture 6 months later.
 

Even if something happens in 10 years, doesn't make us getting married immature or wrong.

 
With all due respect, you are 22???  You don't even realize how immature you are.  []
 
I am not meaning to come down on you, Nicole.  I agree with much of what you said.  It is just that I believe VERY strongly that getting married young is stupid.  Yes, STUPID.  It is so rarely a good idea and so rarely works out that it ought to be illegal.
 
 

ORIGINAL: mmthomason
We do have self control no matter how young or immature we are.

 
So that 3 year old kid in the grocery store, screaming for mom to buy him this candy bar, can control himself, he just chooses not to?

I dont really see why everyone is turning on the friend.

 
Because the friend is a slut, would be my guess.  Perhaps you can think of a better word to describe someone who would be sexually involved with the fiance of a friend, but I can't.
 

If you are "mature" enough to make the decision to get married, you should be mature enough to control yourself and not cheat on your wife.

 
And I SHOULD be taller. []
 

Just because someone is immature doesnt give them an excuse to run around cheating on their wife.

 
Perhaps, but it is a fair indicator that they will.

Amy, I am so sorry that you are going through.
 
If I were the one in your position, I would not be able to stay in the relationship. At least I don't think I would. You never really know, I think, until you're actually in those shoes. However, I do know myself and I'm a biggie on trust and honesty. To me, the fact that it was before you were married makes no difference to me than if it had happened while you were married. That may strike some people the wrong way, but the actual act is no different. He was in a committed relationship with you BEFORE you were married and he broke that trust. Now that you are married, it's more complicated for sure, but it doesn't make what he did any less worse just because it happened before you married him. He still cheated.
 
I would also not be going for the age thing. I know people are immature at that age, but to me, that would just not fly over. He knew the difference between right and wrong. He knew it would hurt you. He knew he shouldn't have been doing it and with YOUR FRIEND no less. It wasn't just with some random girl. This was a friend, albeit a weird one according to you, that he messed around with. That shows a total lack of disregard for you, your feelings, your friendship with her and the relationship itself.
 
I feel that people should be accontable for their actions. He should have never have done it and since he did, he should have been the one to tell you. Not her, him. He probably didn't tell you because he was scared you would leave, but that sure didn't keep him from taking that chance. He may have been immature, but had she not stopped him, he may very well have continued to grope her and who knows what else. Also, what do you think his reaction would be if this were the other way around? I'm asking honestly, not because I'm pretending to know the answer. But really, how would he react? Would he want to try and work through this with you or would he end your marriage?
 
I'm very, very sorry that you are going through this Amy. I agree that you should hold off on baby plans and since you are married, maybe try the counseling. If you think that you will continue to hold this over him and never be able to get past it, then I don't think it will work in the long run. You need to be honest with yourself and think about it.