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So Upset....Long and Rambling

Posted : 12/13/2006 10:36:39 AM

I am so upset right now. I know that there are people that come into your life that one must tolerate. I understand that these can be the people that ones need to let their actions and words roll off their backs. After a decade, I am still having such a problem with that. I just feel like crying right now.

I am having a difficulty with the in-laws. Mainly the MIL. Boy was I naive when I was younger believing that in-laws are supposed to be accepting, loving people. Now it is just getting worse with her. She has always treated me as an outsider in the family. Jason is the husband and her son, and if she has a problem with me or needs a decision with familial needs, she goes to him. If it pertains to the kids or housework, she comes to me. She has known me for a decade and she still forgets everything about me. She can't even remember if I am a vegetarian or not, or even where I was born. I am not a vegetarian. I like my burgers just like many others. We have had dinners for how long and she cannot even remember that?!!

The reason why I am so upset right now is the culmination of what has transpired over the previous months. My husband has a younger brother who has been seeing a girl seriously for about a year. My in-laws have spent time with her family and seem to adore the gf. I can admit that I am jealous. My MIL never gave me a chance nor did she ever give my parents a chance either. I am jealous about how MIL is accepting of the gf but was never accepting nor listened to anything about me. I think it is appalling, rude and unfair.

Okay, what happened in the 5 days is that the in-laws asked if they could visit for the holidays. For some strange reason, the in-laws are now emailing my DH at work and not emailing us at the family address. This happened just in the previous 2 emails. Back to the situation; my husband, after us talking, politely declined having them visit. My husband was polite in saying no without going into details. DH and I made a rule about visitors during the holidays when we got married. I grew up with having the HUGE family reunion and Christmas parties at the holidays and I did not want to do that at all once we had our own home. We happily accept visitors and visiting others throughout the year but keep the 3rd week of november to the new year for ourselves. This also keeps the annual question of whose family do we go to for what holiday at bay.

Anyway, DH returned to work today to receive an email from his mother saying that it was okay that we declined. This is where she got her bit in though. She talked about how DH's brother will be spending Christmas with his gf's family since they spent it with the in-laws for Thanksgiving. She mentioned about how the gf's family said that the in-laws could spend the holidays with them. MIL said that they were not going to do that. Her and FIL will figure out something else for the holidays. Her parting shot though was of how nice and considerate the gf and her family were. My MIL does a lot of these type of insults. We are not just reading her meaning wrong.

I am very upset. MIL can be so sweet when she knifes you in the back. I just had to vent everyone. I am sure I am not alone in this. I am sure that there are worse in-laws than what I have.

My dilemma is do we ignore this behavior any more? How in heck do I let this roll off of my back? It is obvious she doesn't respect us and especially me. I am quite sure she only tolerates me and just barely. How does one handle that from a family member?

--Sara

mrstjohnson

Posted : 12/13/2006 11:10:10 AM

You have to let it roll off of your back. Trust me, I have in-laws from H*** and there is nothing that I can do to change them. What she is trying to do is laying a huge, 15-inch thick guilt trip on you. Coming from a Catholic Italian family I am very familiar with these (I am a master myself [

]), and the only response to them is no response at all. She is trying to get a rise out of you and any negative response you provide her will only fuel the fire.

Just be sweet and thank her for understanding your family traditions and values. If you do that, there is nothing she can do about it. Basically, kill her with kindness, but don't go against your rule of no visitors.

SaraD

Posted : 12/13/2006 11:40:35 AM

Thank you for that advice. Any advice on how she treats me? Same thing? Just still kill her with kindness?

At times I wish that I could just give her a piece of my mind, but even I know that won't work. I want to be able to tell myself you did the right thing by not stooping to her level. Also, I use her as a learning tool of what NOT to do when I become an in-law.

--Sara

bragg1120

Posted : 12/13/2006 11:45:42 AM

She has known me for a decade and she still forgets everything about me.

You might want to ask if she's having a problem with remembering things since she's forgetting so much about you... and act worried LOL

Basically, kill her with kindness, but don't go against your rule of no visitors.

That is THE BEST THING you could ever do! Your husband is doing an outstanding job with his communication with his mother - you are lucky! I know many women who would chop an arm off to have their husband/boyfriend stand firm on your ideas as a couple (ok that might be a little overdramatic but lol). All the MIL is trying to do is guilt you into letting them visit and IF you do, they'll try it every year after.

As for the new GF in the family... sounds to me like the attention your MIL is showering her with (and her comments, etc) is just her way of baiting you into a reaction. Maybe you should say "she sounds so sweet, I bet she's going to be a lovely addition to the family". Might want to make sure the MIL isn't eating or drinking when you say that or she might choke on it LOL

I've had my share if family and in-law issues... the best advice I can give is try to stand back, take a deep breath and follow through with YOUR plans. They're emailing your DH at work now because they're trying to divide and conquer (so to speak) and it's obviously not working! [

] Like Lisa said... the only response is no response at all. Hope things get easier for you!

mrstjohnson

Posted : 12/13/2006 11:51:49 AM

Really, being nice is all you can do - it sucks, but it is. The last thing you want to give her ammunition against you. She sounds like a person that would take whatever you say, talk to the new gf about it and cause more problems just for the sake of causing problems.

What can she say if you are super sweet to her and thank her for respecting your wishes. Nothing really. But, if you blast her for laying on a guilt trip all she will do is deny it and make you look like a paranoid fool. Plus, if she even senses you are a little jealous of the relationship she has with the gf, then she will just continue use that to manipulate you (what is she doing now). The gf is probably just trying to get on her good side right now. Who knows maybe if she gets lifted to the DIL status things will change between her and your MIL. It sounds like your MIL is jealous of your relationship with your DH and that is why she acts that way.

I am convinced that my SIL's (DH's brothers wives) are the spawn of the devil himself. They have done everything from purposely making me cry at my rehearsal dinner, make fun of me in front of people, tease me, alienate me, etc. But after 5 years they have finally let up - I know seems like a long time - because they didn't have anything else to use against me and they were starting to look like fools themselves (basically I won). The basically ran out of material. I never let DH say anything because that would only fuel the fire. Things are a little bit better now, but we also live away from everyone. I sucks but I make sure I always cross my T's and dot my I's when it comes to them. It sucks, but it's a game you sometimes have to play with in-laws.

bragg1120

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:01:23 PM

Thank you for that advice. Any advice on how she treats me? Same thing? Just still kill her with kindness?

At times I wish that I could just give her a piece of my mind, but even I know that won't work. I want to be able to tell myself you did the right thing by not stooping to her level. Also, I use her as a learning tool of what NOT to do when I become an in-law.

You know, giving her a piece of your mind

robably won't work. It sounds like she says whatever she wants without thinking of anyone else's feelings so if you show her that you're hurt... it just gives her satisfaction. What worked for me is I let all my frustrations out in writing. I wrote as if I had the chance to say all the things I wish I'd said to some people in my family... of course, I didn't send it to anyone or even print it out but the fact that I wrote exactly what I felt, gave me a huge release.

rwbeagles

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:01:56 PM

Excellent advice.

I also have one MIL I don't care for. She's really kinda nutty....she makes me feel ooky because of her need for drama and the way she gives her kids and my FIL medicines and stuff when they aren't sick at all.

I just make SURE that my DH knows that I do the nice thing, for HIM and for our kids....and he better make sure, when we interact, that he is there to protect me from her weirdness. He is always very grateful and indulgent with me when we go visit because he knows I'd rather not be there....but I am doing it for him.

I had considered not visiting her at all but he looked so hurt...because tho she's a stepmom and he was almost grown when she came...he does love her and loves everyone to get along and be civil. So for him I can do it! []

It makes it a lot easier when you can vent to one's spouse about it and they in turn support you and understand that you are making an effort on their behalf.

jjsmom06

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:05:53 PM

What can she say if you are super sweet to her and thank her for respecting your wishes. Nothing really. But, if you blast her for laying on a guilt trip all she will do is deny it and make you look like a paranoid fool. Plus, if she even senses you are a little jealous of the relationship she has with the gf, then she will just continue use that to manipulate you (what is she doing now).

This is too true, just kill her with kindness even though it is very difficult. Also, if having a decent relationship with her is important to you then you may want to consider doing something unexpected.

For example,

Maybe you are online looking at something and you see an item that is absolutely something that is right up her alley…maybe doing something as simple as forwarding her that link with a simple line saying “saw this when I was browsing this website today, it made me think of you.”

Or, maybe send her a cute e-card “thanking her” for respecting your wishes of your and Dh ‘s time together.

Just little things that she doesn#%92t nor wouldn#%92t expect from you. She has a preconceived notion about you …whether it is jealousy or whatever, sometimes you can turn someone around by doing a few small, unexpected things.

Good luck!!

loveukaykay

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:20:39 PM

My MIL never did like me much because I dont go to church. DH's brother had this HORRID GF a while back who went to church. No matter that she was addicted to pain pills and treated his bro like crap... she didnt even care to know anything else about the girl... she went to church and MIL loved her. His bro is now married to a woman who goes to church. I get jealous sometimes of how much different she is treated than me, so I understand how you feel.

She is very very nice to me when I see her but I know its there. I am a wonderful, nice person and her son married me for a reason. If she wants to judge me based on that one aspect of my life and hold me different in her mind than others, thats fine. Her loss. I really appreciate DH for always taking my side and saying how she has no idea Im the best of her DILs[

]... because the other has a drug issue too... on top of others I wont get into.

My point is, Im sure your a wonderful person and if she gave you the time she would see it. But she doesnt. Same with me. It hurts, I know. I do just kill her with kindness. She doesnt see me nearly as often as the rest of them, well, because I dont go out of my way to visit. I dont particularly like her for the things shes done and said to me. But when I do, she has NO clue that I hold some of it against her. Im as sweet as can be. She always gives me the church lecture, ALWAYS, and I just smile and nod.

loveukaykay

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:24:34 PM

Oh, and last time I saw her she went on and on about the other DIL (his bros wife) and how she had stood up in church that weekend and talked and was on the big screen and yadda yadda yadda...

Same thing, I just said "Wow, how nice." and was just nice. (Knowing it was done to make me want to go or feel less adequate or something) It hurts to be judged, but lots of people do it. I just secretly feel sorry for their ignorance.[

]

Truley

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:26:45 PM

I am one of the lucky ones, my IL's love me and have never been anything but nice and supporting. On the other hand, my mother drives my DH nuts, dad is ok, mom has to be taken with a lb of salt. Get this, when my youngest brother got married they picked Halloween day and it was a costumed wedding, my mother went as a witch, yup a witch, she said she was starting her relationship off on the right foot. They actually get along.[

]

To me, sounds like she is a bit of a control freak. I would ignore the behavior since it also sounds like you have the DH on your side and I bet that frustrates the daylights out of her. Some of the other advice given here is much better then anything I could think of that would not be considered naughty. Like mailing her birthday card late, arriving late for her parties, inviting to dinner and having something she hates with passion, but you love..........

Dawn

SaraD

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:35:48 PM

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

My MIL never did like me much because I dont go to church. DH's brother had this HORRID GF a while back who went to church. No matter that she was addicted to pain pills and treated his bro like crap... she didnt even care to know anything else about the girl... she went to church and MIL loved her. His bro is now married to a woman who goes to church. I get jealous sometimes of how much different she is treated than me, so I understand how you feel.

She is very very nice to me when I see her but I know its there. I am a wonderful, nice person and her son married me for a reason. If she wants to judge me based on that one aspect of my life and hold me different in her mind than others, thats fine. Her loss. I really appreciate DH for always taking my side and saying how she has no idea Im the best of her DILs[]... because the other has a drug issue too... on top of others I wont get into.

My point is, Im sure your a wonderful person and if she gave you the time she would see it. But she doesnt. Same with me. It hurts, I know. I do just kill her with kindness. She doesnt see me nearly as often as the rest of them, well, because I dont go out of my way to visit. I dont particularly like her for the things shes done and said to me. But when I do, she has NO clue that I hold some of it against her. Im as sweet as can be. She always gives me the church lecture, ALWAYS, and I just smile and nod.

I was never the girl my MIL envisioned for my husband. My husband and I met under difficult circumstances and MIL did not like my intrusion into her son's life. I am also not a church-goer. In her eyes, though I am even worse. I chose to walk in my mother's footsteps and embrace Judaism. I am also teaching my sons Judaism. I think that the circumstances that led to my DH and I being together and my religious beliefs have contributed to her opinions and dismissals of me. The gf is a churchgoer and that is where BIL met her.

DH is great in helping with his parents and my feelings. It is ME who has to overcome my feelings and I have a hard time doing that. I do have a hard time learning to ignore all the games.

--Sara

loveukaykay

Posted : 12/13/2006 1:17:03 PM

How unfortunate for us to be so judged by something that's a personal choice and has NO bearing on whether we are good people or not. My MIL certainly had dreams of DH being with a Catholic girl. I guess her dreams were smashed.

Her daughter, DHs sister is married to a man who doesnt go to church and they have the same problem. I dont even know if she realizes how much she alienates us for our choices. I know he has actually gotten into it with her over her teaching his kids about it all. Not that I think its a bad thing but shes just SO over the top with it all, I see where he's coming from.

Its mainly what she watchs on TV, the only thing Ive ever heard on the radio, the only books shell read, all she ever talks about, she has tapes... ect. I dont judge her. I say, hey, if thats what you need or want or like, good for you. Why cant she have the same respect for me in return? Oh well... I am just destined to a life of dealing with the constant attempts to save me.

You would not BELIEVE some of the things she has said to me about it... I dont even believe some of it. One small example that *almost* sent me over the edge... When Kayla died she saw me crying. It was at a crawfish boil and I was talking about it with someone, I forget who. She walks over and says "You know Amy, I know how much you loved Kayla but if you ever plan on seeing her again you need to get yourself right with God." The insanity of every aspect of that comment hurt me deeply, she will never know how mad that made me. Or how bad of a thing to say at a time when I was hurting.

I know her intentions are good... but ...

Its so hard to ignore... I know exactly what you mean.

loveukaykay

Posted : 12/13/2006 1:22:58 PM

You know, the main thing is none of that. Its that I really do like her... and want her to like me. Its just hard always feeling like your not liked as much as you want to be.

bragg1120

Posted : 12/13/2006 1:25:28 PM

Going to church, different religions, and everything in between. If we were all alike, what a boring world we'd live in! I was terrified of my future MIL when hubby and I were dating but she never said anything or ever made me feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, she passed away before hubby and I were married (now MIL's family, that's a diff story - they're crazy LOL) My FIL is just like a dad to me and the lady he married a while back, has been a nice addition to the family (but HER KIDS, that's a whole diff story)

It's hard to get over the mind games people play with us (even my own family used to subject me to that!). All you can do is ignore it, be thankful your hubby supports you and remember this because your boys will one day introduce their girlfriends [

] Of course, you've got your head on straight - so I'm positive they'll love you immediately!