So Upset....Long and Rambling

You would not BELIEVE some of the things she has said to me about it... I dont even believe some of it. One small example that *almost* sent me over the edge... When Kayla died she saw me crying. It was at a crawfish boil and I was talking about it with someone, I forget who. She walks over and says "You know Amy, I know how much you loved Kayla but if you ever plan on seeing her again you need to get yourself right with God." The insanity of every aspect of that comment hurt me deeply, she will never know how mad that made me. Or how bad of a thing to say at a time when I was hurting.

I know her intentions are good... but ...

Its so hard to ignore... I know exactly what you mean.

 
Now THAT kind of insensitivity irritates the boogers out of me.  You should have snapped back with "your comments do NOT make me want to attend church".  Some people are so pushy with their religion, whatever it might be, that it makes me want to puke.  She kind of sounds like it wouldn't even go in the one ear and out the other... it would pass her by. 
 
Once we found out that Fe was sick, I was extremely upset for months... at first, my MIL said that I needed to pull myself together because it's just a dog, it's not like it's my parents, etc.  In the very next sentence, she mentioned if something ever happens to my FIL's dog, she doesn't know what she'll do with him because he'd be so heartbroken.  So I mentioned it to hubby and nothing like that was said again, at least not while I was around.  I really think she was trying to console the best she could - maybe snap me out of depression but it only made me worse.  I'm still super sensitive about FeFe and I suppose I always will be. 

I think you've gotten some really good advice from everyone.  Remember, the sweeter you are to her, the meaner and more ridiculous she's going to look.[]
 
Joyce

ORIGINAL: fuzzy_dogs_mom

I think you've gotten some really good advice from everyone.  Remember, the sweeter you are to her, the meaner and more ridiculous she's going to look.[]
 
Joyce

I am doing my best to be sweet and to let things roll off the back. Thank god we do not see them all the time. They live in Indiana and we live in a not so easy area of Texas to get to fast.

--Sara

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

You know, the main thing is none of that.  Its that I really do like her... and want her to like me.  Its just hard always feeling like your not liked as much as you want to be. 

Over the years, I have discovered that I really do not like her at all. She and I are so different but I am willing to be nice to her in regard to many aspects of our relationship. I wish she did like me for me and would honestly try to get to know instead of putting on a facade. That hurts me. 

BTW, DH was not amused by the email and the implication in it. He said that he is going to say something to her about it and how disrespectful she is being.

--Sara

Just be nice, so nice that it drives her nuts. I made the mistake with my ex-MIL of telling her what I thought and where she could stick her opinions....nononononono!!!! It's different I guess since I was the husband, and the daughter took her side for EVERYTHING! The best way is just to put on a big smile and don't let her get the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. (it drives them nuts) Just say all you want in your head, and smile and nod. Otherwise they start to do the whisper in the ear....
My new parent in laws are awesome!!! I really think I could poop on the dining room table and they would say "oh how nice of you, thank you" (actually her dad would probably beat my a$$ but the mom...)
 
 

Over the years, I have discovered that I really do not like her at all. She and I are so different but I am willing to be nice to her in regard to many aspects of our relationship. I wish she did like me for me and would honestly try to get to know instead of putting on a facade. That hurts me.

 
Yeah, I guess thats what I mean.  We are family, and I wish we got along better.  Shes never given me a reason to like her, in fact, she should be surprised Im even nice to her if she thought about it all.  I just dont like conflict and am willing to give it a shot...  The fact is I dont like her because of the way I feel Ive been treated... but I dont like saying that either, lol.  And I wouldnt mind letting it all go if she would stop with it all.  It sucks.
 
My DH has also got angry at some things she's said.  That above example is one of tons and tons of comments that would amaze you guys.  Some of it so strange... its made me seriously question her sanity.  I wont let him tell her anything.  I feel like, its not going to change anything, and shes alreday all over him about not going to church either (although its all my fault[8|])... and I wont have him getting into it or saying anything to her.
 
I just put on a happy face and pretend like its nothing.  As hard as that can be, its what I do.  She would be shocked as all heck if she could read this.  I think thats a big part of the inlaw family thing... is just putting on a happy face, even if its a fake one.  At least for me, I avoid any sort of drama at alllll costs.... but I realize it may not be that way for others.  And if they cant put up a front and do say something I dont blame them either.  Just for me I choose not to.  It works out for me cause I dont want the drama.
 
Whatever you decide just know that your DH is the only one that really matters.  The rest are just a part of life, our family and loved ones yes... but with the limited contact and not so great relationships... more just part of life.[]

My FIL told DH, before we were married, that since I couldn't drive from DH's grandparents house to my parents (I'm not good with directions and hadn't been there much before) that I was too immature to be married.
 
FIL also tells DH that he wants to see him, but not me.  FIL and step mom came to pittsburgh from buffalo for a wedding and didn't want to come by to see us when they got in.  I had to go get something from them that they brought from my family, and they didn't even ask where DH was or why I came instead - DH wouldn't see him if he didn't want to see us. 
 
FIL gets DH a gift but says that it won't fit him so I need to use it (It was one of those foam seat cushions to help your back - but DH is a BIG guy, 6'1" and about 280 lbs so OF COURSE normal things are too small)
 
The list goes on and on.  Obviously they don't care about us.  MIL is okay, she lives with her parents since she is too poor to live on her own, but she tries to be a decent mom.  Some depression and drinking problems along the way.  But, she does accept me and realizes I make DH happy.  So it's okay.
 
But my parents are just so differnt from his, so they scare him a bit!

I'm sorry they are so tough on you. But let me say 3 cheers for your DH for stepping up to the plate and sending it out of the park.
 
If it helps any, my grandparents can be the same way and I haven't seen them since 1989 and they live one county over. But that's the way I am. If a person can't treat me with respect, I don't need to see them. And it took a long time to get to that point.
 
And, as for your MIL not ever accepting you, I don't think that will change. It will be her loss not to have your friendship, though you may still be respectful, by marriage. In a sense, it's not even your problem to fix. It is hers to work through, though. Refuse to accept toxic emotion.
 
La Chayim.
 

I also have a difficult MIL, but my DH thinks so as well, so we just shoot each other looks during the visits and laugh about it later. All his friends warned me before we got married that she was overbearing and one even called her "a force of nature"! But as I said, my DH is completely on the same page.

And Amy, as for your MIL's comment about getting right with God in order to see Kayla, it would have been all I could do not to say "I don't think so because Kayla was an athiest."

My mum has a MIL almost exactly the same as yours. Some of the things that have happened are so ridiculous. Lol and that's something for me to say that because she is my grandma (although I rarely see her).
But, for instance, one time she (the MIL) went through my dad's trash can and found a note from my mum telling my dad about how she was going to take this really large check he'd recently earned to the bank later, in case he was wondering. So my grandmother told the entire family and the office where my dad works that my mum was "trying to take over the business and all my dad's money". [&:] Another time, my mum homeschooled me for half a year and her MIL flipped out. She had been scheduled to baby-sit my younger sisters and I when my parents went to Las Vegas, but instead she refused to baby sit until I went to 'real school'.
Anyways, sorta rambling there, but I totally agree with everybody else's advice to 'kill her with kindness'. Maybe eventually she'll give up if you do that. Or maybe she'll keep doing it, but at least this way you'll be the one who's classy.

My FIL told DH, before we were married, that since I couldn't drive from DH's grandparents house to my parents (I'm not good with directions and hadn't been there much before) that I was too immature to be married.

 
Oh boy... I've been married 12 years and I'm still not good with directions LOL 
 

In a sense, it's not even your problem to fix. It is hers to work through, though. Refuse to accept toxic emotion.

 
I couldn't agree more.  Try to not let it bring you down.  BTW, Michelle... your comment about what Amy could have said made me laugh.  Can you imagine the look on her MIL's face? haha

Why do seek the approval of this woman?
 
She obviously doesn't agree with what is going on, that is her right.
From the holiday rule/no visitors to the religious part, but you have the right to live the way you choose.
 
She did make an attempt to come visit, and you guys shot her down.......
 
I just don't see much of an approvement here, just get on with your life, be polite to her, and quit worrying about getting her to love you.......
You must realize, not everyone can like everyone.

BTW, Michelle... your comment about what Amy could have said made me laugh. Can you imagine the look on her MIL's face? haha

Made me laugh too... and I couldve added at the end, "just like her Mama."  []  You know Ive been thinking about it reading this and she really was wrong to put me in an uncomfortable position, especially at that time.  She always puts me on the spot like that.  I never know what to say to her!  She probably thinks I need a hearing aid since all I ever do is smile and nod cause I dont know what to say to her.  lol...  Like shell say, " So when are you guys gonna go to church?"  And Ill just smile at her and try to change the subject.  Sometimes Ill smile and say "I dunnnooo."[&:]  But I dont like to cause that leaves me open for fire about why I should again...

Made me laugh too... and I couldve added at the end, "just like her Mama."  []  You know Ive been thinking about it reading this and she really was wrong to put me in an uncomfortable position, especially at that time.  She always puts me on the spot like that.  I never know what to say to her!  She probably thinks I need a hearing aid since all I ever do is smile and nod cause I dont know what to say to her.  lol...  Like shell say, " So when are you guys gonna go to church?"  And Ill just smile at her and try to change the subject.  Sometimes Ill smile and say "I dunnnooo."[&:]  But I dont like to cause that leaves me open for fire about why I should again...

 
"just like her Mama" -- I'd say your MIL would have called people over to the house for an emergency HEALING session for you LOL  I believe a lot of the uncomfortable positions we feel we're in are made worse when we don't want to hurt the other persons's feelings, no matter if they already cut us deep.  You know, the more people ask uncomfortable questions -- "why don't you have kids yet? don't you like them? is something wrong with you?" or "why don't you go to church with me sometime?  Don't you believe in God?"  they have NO CLUE how embarrassing it is and how it doesn't put any of us in a hurry to procreate or even think of finding a church. 
 
I do believe in God and there are many churches around this area but after working with the public for a while... I guess I feel jaded in a sense.  I know how they are in public and then to see them in church acting a different way isn't something I can handle.  I think your MIL is thinking if she keeps asking and pushing, it will make you and DH WANT to go... maybe you should say "you know, the more you ask me to go to church, the more it makes me not want to go?"  That's exactly what my hubby said to someone that asked him all the time.
 
There are some people none of us are ever going to satisfy.  Wouldn't matter if we were good as gold or hell raisers.... some people just aren't happy with anything!

ORIGINAL: bragg1120
There are some people none of us are ever going to satisfy.  Wouldn't matter if we were good as gold or hell raisers.... some people just aren't happy with anything!

Yup, my DH calls them "psychic vampires" sucking the positive energy out of the universe and anyone they come in contact with.