Sylvia -- if you could actually see behind the monitors we sit at you would be astounded. Because to LOOK at many of us, we are not at all what you'd envision. And beyond that -- even the ones who ARE what you'd think to 'look' at them ... if you crawled inside their brain and emotions? Trust me -- the vast majority of us are walking wounded.
Now in reality -- not all of the folks are ... but there are a good number of us who have been thru some real crap in life and who have survived it.
I'm talking about REAL crap -- things like rape, incest, horrible illness, abuse of many many kinds. There are a few who 'dealt with it' properly and are 'just fine'.
They are in about the oh..... 1% percentile. A whole lot of the rest of us have floundered in MANY ways for MANY years. And I'll let you in on a little secret -- one of the reasons that many of us love our dogs to the degree we do is one little concept:
Unconditional Love
Why? Because we need it. We need them like we need air. Because they help us keep our brains together. They help us get thru another day.
Ok -- so I said all that to say this -- you aren't alone. No matter how much you disgust yourself, you aren't unredeemable. You are a person who loves their dog and that elevates your emotional humanity to a pretty high degree because it means you CAN care. You will sometimes find we dog people will actually rescue ourselves JUST SO we can make sure the dogs have the best care (because we can scare ourselves with how little we can care about ourselves but we know we gotta stay 'ok' just in order TO care for the dog! cos no one else is gonna do it like you will!)
Since you are a person who is beginning to be really dissatisfied with some aspects of her life that means you want to make some changes - those come hard, but they're rewarding. And most of us come to the conclusion that altho we gotta help ourselves, it is a process that IS easier and often done better if we let others 'in'.
But I'll tell you (cos I've been THERE done it ... which is how I know so frigging much bout it *sigh*) the first thing you gotta be is HONEST.
I find honesty easier in writing than in person. You're being pretty honest with yourself but you are also still punishing yourself -- cos springing this on this 'friend' is destined to fail in a BIG way, and you're setting yourself up for heartache if you do it this way. So ... maybe try to work a little smarter, rather than 'harder'. Set yourself up to win not lose. Because frankly -- Ashland IS worth it. And eventually you are going to come to the place where you can say YOU are worth it. That needs to be a goal.
Don't spring this on this guy in person. Don't set yourself up for the potential of him making a hasty exit and breaking you in a zillion pieces in the process. (making yourself go thru with this may be your own way of further 'punishing' yourself and proving to yourself that you aren't 'worth' it. YOU ARE -- so set yourself up to win here if you can).
I'm not saying dump him. However -- do him a long email and come clean. Something like "You know what -- I haven't been fully honest with you and I need to be. I value your friendship a great deal -- and I'd rather we'd keep it "Just email" until you know you can handle me, and frankly until I get myself in a more socially acceptable state."
Come clean and tell him what you look like.
True story (and this is why I can see this kinda clearly) -- 11 years ago last Saturday I threw my ex-husband out of the house. I was 41 then. Booting the ex was the ONLY positive thing about that time. Unlike you when you describe yourself as having let yourself 'go' -- I've been a very heavy woman my whole life. I've had rheumatoid arthritis since I was a kid and exercise has always been very difficult and I wrecked my health when I was in my 20's with yo yo dieting-- so in my particular case the reality is I am who I am. But at the time I woke up to the fact that I had walked into this horrific relationship because I had ZERO experience with men and I made ALL the wrong decisons once and unless I made some serious changes in how I saw myself and how I approached relationships I would likely make the same mistake again and again cos what I really wanted was acceptance thru someone else rather than accepting ME first.
My own little 'plan' included getting online to safely have a bit of 'fun' relationship wise and get myself mentally stable before I succumbe to just hating the world in general. I never intended to really 'meet' anyone and boldly said so. Kinda taught myself to 'flirt' for the first time in my 42 year old life. But gosh -- I learned a whole lot. Mostly I finally got it figured out that no one put me where I was but ME. (that's a heck of a 'flash' for a 42 year old woman, I can tell you!!)
And as I began facing a few home truths about 'self' I found the old adage is true - in order to HAVE a friend you have to BE a friend. And it was fun. I began to build some confidence (cos I wasn't as bad as *I* thot I was).
And along the way I met someone. NOT IN REAL LIFE (gasp, shock, scare ME to death) But I got really good at describing myself in pretty clear ways, and I got a picture of myself take at Glamour Shots (does that even still exist? Photographers in the Mall who could make a rat look glamorous??), and got it scanned. No denying my size, but I didn't have to look like a schlep. Fat? yeah --but I didn't have to look unkempt nor slovenly. I passed on the real 'glam' stuff - I just wanted to look decent. And wow -- the guy even made me SMILE. whoa ... big huge deal!!!
And yeah -- in my flirting a few I sent that picture to just plain disappeared into the wind. But a lot didn't.
And ... David didn't. He was attracted to my personal strength ... and figured he could handle my looks. (this was still months before we 'met')
But I can tell you honestly -- the night he flew into Orlando airport and I stood there in the rotunda waiting for him about 5 minutes before his plane landed I started to shake. And I got this mental image very similar to that scene in the Wizard of Oz where they are all walking down the corridor to go "see the Wizard" ... and the Cowardly Lion ALMOST gets there and suddenly he gets himself all worked up and he turns tail and runs the other way and jumps thru a window??
Well I almost ran. But frankly the bigger fear was that when David set eyes on me that HE would turn around and run and jump thru a window to get away from me. Would I see that look of horror in his eyes?
No. Because I'd been completely honest with him for months. He'd seen pictures of me (and not just the Glamour Shots one). He knew tons about me because frankly I didn't want ANY bad surprises for either of us. In fact he told me later I probably made myself sound 'worse' than I was.
But the fact was when we met we were ready.
Sorry for the long story, but it's true. In our particular case we've been married for 9 1/2 years (March 8th will be 10 years and we're gonna renew our vows then as we did at 5 years too).
But we're both a bit "unusual" but WE suit. I can say it's probably true that neither of us are your basic clasically "popular" types. But wow -- I've got an awesome husband and he seems to like me just fine.
But it's based on 100% honesty. And it's seen a lot of changes come and go in both of us.
I'm not telling you this guy is the one for you, nor am I saying he's the answer to everything. But I'd hate to see you sacrifice your friendship by springing a surprise on him that he isn't prepared to handle.
If he IS a real friend then he's gonna see deeper than just how you are on the outside today. BUT at the same time, if he is a friend then he deserves not to get set up for a surprise he may not be prepared to deal with graciously.
I like letters and emails for the very reason that people don't have to 'react' right then and there. Like with this post -- you can read it ... and if you want you can post back and say "get bent woman -- you don't know me and I don't want to hear it". OR you can read it and think about it and maybe decide a little of this might help you, or a lot of it is just incomprehensible to you. But I don't want you to have to say something just to be polite so by putting it in writing you don't have to.
Shoot -- my husband and I even ARGUE by email or 'notes'. (and my notes are usually pages long -- gee, Callie, long-winded? WHO would think it???? *rolling eyes*) But I can first pour my guts out on paper, and then I can re-read it and think "hmm, do I really want to say that THAT way???" so I re-work it and eventually I arrive at something that will explain how I feel and not tromp all over his feelings.
HE reads it and takes some time to sort out HIS feelings -- then he responds to me (usually with a great deal more brevity *grin*) but it gives both of us a chance to not say the wrong thing in the heat of anger or pain. We've actually learned to argue very very effectively this way.
Good luck -- please feel free to holler email if you want. But otherwise take anything I've said that will 'help and use it. And discard anything else.
You CAN make any changes you want. You can actually do anything you want to. Maybe not as fast as you'd like but you will accomplish it if you try hard. good luck hon -- it took guts to write this. Pat yourself on the back and take the next step. Whatever that is for you.