Extremely personal; very long

I'm just so impressed by what everyone has said here, and by you, Sylvia, having the courage to write what you did.
 
I've had to learn to validate my own feelings and not rely on anyone else to do that for me. And that was tough. The first time I walked into my college's counseling center and said, "Hi, I just got out of a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship and my boyfriend raped me." only to be handed a pamphlet and told to go on my way and we hope you feel better--that was devastating. I so needed someone at that moment to tell me that I'm not just making things up and that what happened to me was wrong. And no one did. All my friends equivocated and hemmed and hawed and couldn't understand why I just couldn't "get over it". My housemates kept inviting my ex-boyfriend, my abuser, over to our house for parties.
 
At that point I sort of had to make the choice to either continue questioning what I knew was true just because no one else seemed to care, or to decide that no one knows me better than me and if no one else is going to validate me, I'm just going to do it myself.
 
Had I kept on questioning and doubting myself, and had I kept on keeping secrets in order to not make people uncomfortable, things I think would have gone very different for me. For a little while, I had to get my rage on. I had to get really really incredibly angry and allow myself to feel that, and not care that people couldn't understand why I was so angry. Being openly angry was my first step to living my life again. Hiding in my room with my cat and my iguana, which I did, believe me was a spell that was broken by me coming out of there and telling everyone, "I am angry, I was hurt, that was wrong, go screw yourselves!" *ahem*
 
It took a couple years to learn what to do after the anger, and how to finally let that go. But I'll never say I was wrong to be angry. What I hear in your writing is that you can't seem to let yourself be really angry for what happened to you. You didn't get the validation from others that you needed at first and that made you doubt yourself, the worth of your feelings and the worth of your life. Hiding is easier than making people feel all uncomfy with your anger.
 
I agree that you should find a therapist. A therapist can help you understand what you're feeling and why, can validate your emotions and help you feel things that you've up to this point been afraid to feel, in a safe and productive way.
 
As for your immediate issue, I say go get an awesome, expensive haircut, buy a nice new outfit and go meet the guy. I live again in the same town that I grew up in and I also have moments where I'm like 'Ugh, I hope I don't run in to anyone I know' cuz I'm about 40 lbs. heavier than I was then. But then I realize, geez, we're all over 30 now and if someone hasn't spread and moved southwards, they just aren't natural and poo on them. And I'm completely fibbing there because there is one person that I know where he works and we were best friends for a while in high school before we had this huge stupid falling out and I'm often tempted to go get in touch with him again, but then I think about how much weight I've gained and I dread seeing that look in his eye like, "Woah, she's really packed on the pounds!"  You are most certainly not alone there!  That's a part of getting older for almost everyone.

Thank you so, so much for the support. I posted this last night before I left work and then bolted because I couldn't believe I had hit the "ok" button to post it. []

I actually have been to therapy before, but the more she said about what she thought was wrong, the more I thought she was absolutely ridiculous. I don't think so now, but back then I was in huge denial. She said I WANTED to be unattractive and that I didn't want to lose the weight (which I thought was crazy because I was trying to lose weight at the time). She said I stopped caring about my appearance because I didn't want to attract attention from people and that until I dealt with this in a deeper level, I would never really lose the weight. That was all I needed to hear at the time to think her degree was fake, even though I had heard this same thing on Dr. Phil. In my mind though, I never even compared it to myself because that just wasn't what was wrong. I wanted to lose weight and I didn't want to hide, but here she was telling me the opposite. I stopped going to her.

Now I don't think she was so crazy and wish I had stayed and been more open-minded. I have thought about going back and have already looked into this thing my work offers. They pay for about 8 sessions I think with a therapist. I'm still reading about it, but I think I'm gonna do it.

I don't plan on telling my friend anything about what happened. That's too much for him to have to hear and we don't even know each other well enough for me to lay that on him. I do want to stop lying to him about why I haven't been able to see him yet though. I think I'm just gonna bite the bullet and do it. There's really nothing I feel I can say to him about why I've been avoiding him that won't make him turn the other way and run. So I think I'm going to hang out with him next weekend. Not this weekend because I have to go out of town, but next weekend. I'm nervous.

This same thing happened earlier this year with another old friend whom I had tried to avoid. He's in medical school and came home for the holidays and wanted to see me. We hadn't seen each other in 3 years and I told him we would hang out and then I flaked on him. This friend had been a very close friend though and i didn't want that friendship to die because of my insecurities so I wrote him this long email saying that I was going through something and I had gained a lot of weight and was ashamed and embarrassed to let him see me this way. He wrote back saying he didn't care what I looked like and that my looks wasn't the reason we were friends. He said I could talk to him about anything and that he was really glad that I hadn't let our friendship die over whatever it was. So I went and saw him, stomach filled with butterflies, and it was fine.

So you would think that after that, I would know that this wouldn't be so bad, but I don't. The friendship with this new person isn't the same as my friendship is with the old person. There's an attraction there with this new person. My other friend was on the level of a best friend. It's just different.

Someone said that I need to lose the weight for me and not for him. I agree. I know that. I've lost this weight before for the wrong reasons and it just came back with 10 more extra pounds. I know I need to do this for me. My best friend is telling me there's nothing wrong with a guy giving me motivation to go to the gym, but it's not helping. It's making me feel like I have a deadline that I have to be skinny by and it's impossible to reach that goal. I feel pressured almost and I hate that. 

I think it was Colleen who said that I need to approach this like I do with Ash, which really hit a nerve. I have never thought of like that. I have though made sure that I walk her in areas where there is less of a chance of me being seen. I do need to do for myself what I'm doing with Ash. I'm paying a lot of money right now to help Ash. I want to be able to take her to dog parks again and have her be comfortable around people. So thank you for pointing that out to me. []

Sylvia, it took a lot of strength to write what you did - you are strong and will overcome.  As a side note, I wanted to mention that if you plan on going to a counselor and are concerned about the financial aspect of it, not only will a lot of them work with you, but there are frequently free services available through organizations such as Women's Aid.  I was in a position to need help a few years ago before I had insurance and not much money - the counselor was a degreed, licensed professional.  You'd have to check out what the requirements are in your area, but I just wanted to point out that you wouldn't be necessarily getting a volunteer wanna-be therapist who learned all she knows from watching TV talk shows.
 
((Hugs))

Sylvia, you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to do this (weight loss and/or anything else in your life) for YOU.  It takes a lot of courage to share what you have, to hit that OK button to post your thread!!! That is something to be proud of!!  For any of us that have been depressed or have known someone that was depressed for any reason, it is extremely difficult to even reach out for help or advice.  You did that.  It's a step in the right direction!  Whether it's with a licensed professional or a bunch of dog lovers sharing their stories and offering support, hitting ok and posting was huge!
 
There are so many comments made that I wanted to paste and make a remark to... some made me chuckle, some made my eyes blurry with tears and some made me say (out loud to my computer screen) EXACTLY!  I agree with Callie, be open and honest with this guy.  And with houndlove - go get your hair done, buy yourself an outfit -- meet the guy!  and with everyone that mentioned finding a therapist - a good one (praying that you find an excellent one) can help you take your life back into your own hands.  Baby steps []  You can do it.

I totally agree with Houndlove. I've changed a whole lot in twenty years, especially in the three years since my accident. I had some bad stuff happen to me as a child (um, pretty much, my childhood is what happened, bad stuff) and thought I was over it, felt pretty darn good about myself. Uh, uh. It broke out twice in a major way, once after my second kid was born, and after the accident (which I'm slowly working through now).

Each time I work through this I do feel, thank God, that I am stronger. I'm trying to see what it adds to me instead of what it takes away (the long dark days in bed, the broken and strained friendships, the confusion of my children and dogs).

Some tips: smile at people and remember that a big smile covers a multitude of ills (though I doubt you are in as bad shape as it may seem, I know how it works!). Don't talk about yourself. No, really - I DON'T think it's a good idea to do a Big Reveal via e-mail and a big explanation. If you present yourself for the first time as in as matter of fact as possible, you may surprise yourself how good it makes you feel. Although your outside may have gone "downhill" some, your inside has grown - let it shine!

I've gained ONE HUNDRED pounds since many of my friends have seen me three years ago. I'm getting ready to go compete in my first trial since the accident (except one small one when I was still obviously severely injured and that was the focus of everyone's attention). It's taken me this long to realize that I'm not going to lose this weight until I have a reason to, and that will be getting active again. I'm also contacting a [deep breath] agility instructor about getting Zhi in a class this spring. Yeah, now I've REALLY got to bust my butt. Meanwhile, I figure people will just see the "before" and "after".

What I've found is, yes, people have a "What the heck?" moment when they see me again, and then they get used to it and we laugh over old jokes and find new reasons to laugh, within moments. I know I feel the same when I see someone who has had a big change for the "worse". There's a moment of surprise and curiosity, then I pretty much forget about it as I interact with the "real person." I bet most people are the same (at least I hope they would be).

Slainte mhor and get out there! I also agree with seeking some professional advice

Reading your post and the replies made me cry.  I am going through a lot right now so I guess it just felt cleansing to not feel so alone, so thank you for posting.  My issues are more related with the marriage thread that was going on but I quit posting to it because I was actually going through it at the time and still am, but it was too personal for me.  I have realized that since very young (and I think Ive even realized the reasons why  now) that I have put up a happy little wall.  Everyone around me knows, Amy is always happy.  Ive heard it a zillion times, I heard someone say it the other night.  I guess Im just realizing that its just because Ive gotten really good at gathering up all the crap in my head and putting it to the back and going to the party.... having fun and being fun to be with.  When the crap starts to creep forward I just find something to take my mind off of it again.  Its hard to admit that Ive done this for my whole life to be honest because its like realizing that somethings wrong with you in a way.

I obsess over my looks.  I wonder now if thats just a way for me to take my thoughts off the real problem as I pin them on some superficial issues with myself.  I nit pick at myself until I make myself cry.  Sometimes I feel so disgusted with myself I wont go to Wal Mart or even to get the mail in case the nighbors see.  Im always dieting and no matter how skinny I get its not good enough.

I think Im starting to realize just from reading this thread that its an outlet for my other issues.  Its a strange thing to have somewhat of a lightbulb go off and feel like your past has molded you. 

I know its the easy thing to say and not the easy way to feel but like everyone has said if he was to not want to be in contact with you anymore for your looks he may not be such a great guy anyway.  Most likely he wont think anything of it. 

Learning to love yourself is a tough process, Im going through it now and its truly a strange development, and not an easy one.  I guess everything I want to say I change my mind because I cant even do those things myself right now, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know your not alone, your not a freak, your not doing anything wrong.  Your doing the best you can, whatever that may be at the time, and thats all anyone can ask of us.

What your work is telling you is that you can go and see a therapist for 8 sessions and they will pay for it all. It is call Employee Assistance Program or EAP. Take advantage of it, if you need more then the 8 session's they are willing to grant you, you can revert back to your health plans MH or BH benefits, depending on if you have a deductible, co-pay and how many visits your allowed each year, this is a good thing. I would advise making sure that the rovider you see also takes the health insurance so that you do not have to switch providers. Also make sure that your EAP will allow you to continue with the same provider after the EAP sessions end.
 
I manage an office for 2 Psychologists and also do billing for a self employed LCSW out of my home. If you need help understanding terms please PM or email me I would be happy to help. I am not familiar with rules and regulations for CA but I can at least help you understand your benefits.
 
Dawn

I really wish I had something helpful to say.. but I am just so impressed by everyone writing here,,,all these thoughts and answers and ideas.   But Ash,,,mostly I'm impressed with you. You are so honest and sincere...and the guts it had to take to open up and write for help. I am just so impressed with you,,I can't help but to think that there is no way anyone wouldn't love you....just give them the chance.  Take the advise here that you are comfortable with,,,and move ahead.  I think you are well on your way to recovery...God bless you!

OK you guys -- those of us who have been to some sort of "counseling" but who thot the counsellor was TOTALLY off base, and just didn't understand us at all, or for some reason we just didn't 'click' with them -- line up on the left.
 
DANG IT DON'T RUSH IT!!! There **IS** room for all of us!! See yep, thot so!!!
 
Sylvia that is such a NORMAL response.  And the problem is that until we are in that place where we are 'ready' to let ourselves get helped we ain't hearing NUTHIN. 
 
There's this little word called "sabotage" and oh man, we all get SOOOO good at it (and I mean the entire human race).  Cos on some level, those of us who have felt this way ... we're always doing some *thing* to fix that outward thing others can see (and this is soooo true of those of us who carry extra weight, whether it's 5 pounds or 450) -- but see in order to exist in this world you have to 'order' that Diet Coke and TALK about diets and *be* on a diet because it is completely expected in this day and age.  And none of us want to heap scorn further on our heads so we 'do' the motions.
 
But then we sabotage ourselves in a billion ways.  And some of us actually have health issues that do impact all these things. 
 
Sylvia please don't sell this guy short.  But when I said "come clean" I didn't mean to lay all your dirty laundry out -- I simply meant to be honest with him about how you feel about your weight.  Just like you did with the other guy.
 
Now ... let me finish this thot -- you mentioned you don't want to 'lay it on him' (and maybe you were talking about the whole original 'issue'/problem) but in honesty meeing this guy looking vastly different than what he's expecting IS laying a whole lot on him.  That puts anyone in a really uncomfortable position because then they have to edit how they 'react' on the spot and rather than getting an honest look at how they may truly 'feel' after they think about it, what you wind up getting is the knee-jerk "OMG ewwww" reaction. 
 
That's not kind to either one of you.  Shock sometimes leads us to say/do un-true things simply because we can't figure out how to react.
 
So give him a heads up -- something honest like 'Yeah, I've been putting off seing you because I'm a bit embarassed by how I look and altho I want to meet up with you I also didn't want to put myself out there looking a way that really bothers me, so my bad!!'
 
But give him the tools to 'understand' a bit and don't gut punch him with something that HE will be sorry for later as well. 
 
In honesty, it's the kind thing for YOU to do.  Because this is another of those sabotage things -- when we REALLY think we like someone, but deep down we're hating ourselves, we will often sucker punch that person so we GET that reaction we fear, so we can then turn around and say "see, I KNEW I was scum and he would hate it/me!"
 
Does that make sense?  I'm not scolding you -- just been there done it way too often.  And sometimes the most caring thing we can do is just give someone a little warning so they don't feel 'set up to fail'. 
 
Good luck.

Callie, I'm lined up on the left with you.  Or was that the right?  I never really pay much attention. 

I thought my whole therapy thing was totally off the wall, that I didn't need as much help as I thought I did...blah blah blah.  One day I had an epiphany:  If I'm going to pay all this money to see a therapist, shouldn't I at least try?  So I started trying to help myself.  The more I tried the more it clicked with me and I tried a little bit harder as well.  Not only did I start helping myself, but in helping myself and opening up, I was able to help others.

Therapy isn't easy.  If it was it wouldn't be that beneficial.  Anyways I want you to know that I'm on your side, just like everybody else.

What your work is telling you is that you can go and see a therapist for 8 sessions and they will pay for it all. It is call Employee Assistance Program or EAP.

EAP is awesome...I have used in many times in the 10 years I have worked with my current organization...

I have never really cared for any of the therapists I have actually "paid for" outside of the EAP program, but the ones in my EAP program are incredible and helped me see a lot that I couldn't and wouldn't have seen otherwise. I also learned to feel much more confident about myself through some of these wonderful EAP program therapists.

Sylvis- I have no words of wisdom for you...there are so many folks on here who have said it far better than I could have...my only advice is to take advantage of the EAP and just give it a try and know that you are not alone.

Wishing you all the best...[]
Shelly

Remember that it's YOU (your personality!) that this man is interested in.  He hasn't seen the physical you, so he has only a rough idea (or none!) of what you look like.

I will give you a personal example. I am 45 years old and weigh about 75 lbs more than when I got married twenty five years ago.  I am NOT a glamour queen by ANY stretch of imagination (there's  photo posted of Gypsy and me somewhere here--you will see I am telling the truth!).However, people are always telling me I have a great personality and I have a passle of friends, including many, many men. I have had men ask me out when they KNOW I am married.  I have always said, "No" to them, but secretly wondered why they would ask me over someone younger and thinner. I finally realized (DUH!) that it's because they like me for who I AM, not how much I weigh or whether I have the latest clothes or car or...well, you get the idea.

My younger sister was considered to be the beautiful one in our family--a male friend actually told me this when I was about 17 and my sister was 15.  Boy, did THAT hurt. What is ironic is that we look a LOT alike, but she is a tiny, finely boned person compared to me.I wasn't heavy as a kid, but there is still a BIG difference in a size 14 and a size 6! However, I have a lot more friends today and I have been married to the same man for a quarter of a century.  My sister has friends, of course, but has been through a very rough relationship as well as dealing with her ex on an ongoing basis. I may be very broke, but I am content and enjoy having my friends around!

So I say, "Go get him!". He will never know what hit him.  Dazzle him with your charm and intelligence and he won't notice whether you are a size 10 or a 20.  You CAN do this.

Learning to love yourself is a tough process, Im going through it now and its truely a strange development, and not an easy one.

 
It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
 
In order to truly love someone, you must love yourself. Here's why. If you despise yourself, then you can't trust or love someone else because you doubt them for being with you. If you love yourself, then you can love a person who loves such a wonderful person as you. It is blindlingly simple and the most difficult thing to accept.
 

In order to truly love someone, you must love yourself.

 
Sounds like a simple, easy task but it's not!  BUT as soon as you are content with yourself & who you are on the inside, you'll find that your life will change for the better.  Besides, someone could be the most gorgeous person in the room but if their attitude is crappy... those looks mean zilch.  Just let your personality win him over []
 
It's taken me years to feel comfortable with myself.  I'd gain weight & hear rude comments (not behind my back - straight to my face) which is something I'd NEVER do to anyone else.  For example: 'girl, if you gain much more weight, your face is gonna look like a chipmunk' (that diddy was compliments of my grandmother LOL)  I'd lose weight and people come right out of the blue and ask if I'm anorexic or bulimic & say I look sick (I lost about 35 pounds after FeFe passed). 
 
Those that fully accept you, do so not because of the clothes you wear, vehicle you drive, house you live in or what you look like... they accept you for the person you are.  I hope you get a great therapist that can help you with what you've been through and that you can move on to have a wonderful life!You're already headed in that direction []

I just wanted to add that sometimes when you feel that the therapist is wrong, or a waste of time, or other negative things, it may mean THAT therapist isn't the right one for you.  I went to marriage counseling with one who wasn't really helpful.  It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either.  Later I went to another one, and what a huge difference.  I felt comfortable with her immediately.  I actually looked forward to each visit with her and always felt better when I left.  So, you really need to trust your instincts and if the person doesn't feel quite right after a few visits, it might be worth looking for someone else.