Is it selfish to elope?

Most of my friends and people I talk to who are my age are not very interested in having a wedding. A couple of my good friends went down to the courthouse (with their parents) last spring and had no reception or wedding whatsoever... but they were able to buy a house last month. I think there a lot of reasons why our generation are not as into weddings. One big factor is that we get married later - a lot of us have been out on our own for years... the idea that our fathers/families have to "give us" to a husband is not as relevant when you've been paying the rent and running your own household for upwards of a decade. And also because we're older and have been paying the bills on our own, many of us have gotten more practical about money matters... we have goals like buying houses, getting out of debt, and as Meilani mentioned having college funds for our kids (present or future). When I think of it, the idea of starting married life with my partner by running up some nice juicy shared financial debt seems wrong.
 
I'm definitely not thumbing my nose at family, I love them dearly. In fact I know if I told my dad my BF and I were going to elope he would be supportive of that. He's on his second marriage, and he knows what it means to try to get on your feet financially. I'm just trying to be sensitive to his feelings as I make this decision.

An old coot who can still wear shorts.
 

My first marriage was kind of an elopement. We didn't tell anyone, we just went to the JOP and got married. Had a drink at Reunion Tower (there's a revolving restaraunt in the ball of the tower.)
 
Second marriage was announced and sort of planned. We had the king and queen renaissance wedding at Scarborough Faire in Waxahachie, Texas. About $3,500. This included the ceremony with an ordained minister (methodist, I believe) and license by the state, and a catered reception, including a visit by King Henry VIII and Anne Bolin.
 
The first marriage took her family by surprise but they got over it.
 
The second one was certainly a lot of fun to have and I got to meet my wife's daughter, who was her maid of honor.

yeah, Ron, but you've seen my SIS, and she's an even older coot than I am!

ORIGINAL: hdkutz

I also don't think the type of wedding one has, has any bearing on family values. I've met many a person who's had a simple wedding who have good morals and I've met many a person who had lavish wedding and have the morals of a sewer and vice-versa.

 


The values have nothing to do with the cost of the wedding. Heck it could be a back yard pig roast. The question was should she elope. To friends and family the chance to see a loved one get married and share in the celebration is something of value. When my boys got married it was very important to me. To share in that day and welcome their wives into the family was an event I`ll always cherish.. You can die with the biggest house and live your life your way. Me, I want a different legacy.

 
Yes, I am from a different generation.  Seeing that you have married children, I'll guess that I'm younger - your kids age.  You don't have to be older to value an elopment vs. a wedding, and cost need NOT be a factor, it's a personal choice!
I know plenty of people who had a nice wedding, not lavish, they're struggling today b/c they can't afford their rent & have priced out of a home.
Again, it's a personal choice, and if you disagree with the choice I made, well to borrow a quote: "too bad."

Glenda, I am not saying not to think of your family when you plan how you get married, but I don't think family should be able to decide the specifics of the wedding, or even if there is one.

My parents raised me and loved me, and I honor them, but that doesn't mean that I was going to let them plan my wedding the way they think it should have been.  That's not right to me or my husband, or to them.  And I see this so many times, that the bride and groom want something, but a certain member of the family throws a fit and it ends up being their way.  Isn't the wedding supposed to honor the couple committing their lives to each other? Isn't it supposed to represent their lives and personalities, and be a special day that they will remember fondly?  I just feel that the wedding should be decided by the couple getting married.  Case in point, my cousin didn't plan the wedding she wanted, she planned the wedding her mother wished she had gotten when she got married.  My cousin doesn't remember it fondly.

When we got married ten years ago, we wanted a small wedding. Had we gotten married where my grandmother wanted, it would have been a HUGE wedding. Why? Because the town where I grew up is all family, and it is a family that gets their nose bent out of whack at the slightest thing - and we would have had to invite family down to third and fourth cousins.  My parents couldn't afford that, and frankly, we didn't want that. My husband and I had waited almost ten years for that day, and we wanted it to be special for us. So, as hard as it was to beard the lion, we told my grandmother no, we were getting married in Bryan.  She wasn't happy, but she got over it, and I think she even enjoyed the day.  I know we did.  And that is what is important.

Whether jones elopes or does a small ceremony with family - it should be their choice, and family shouldn't make them feel guilty.  A small reception thrown by the family for the happy couple would allow them to be included without them having to spend a lot of money on something they don't want, or can't afford.

To me, a wedding should be what the couple wants for their day, not everyone else. That is just my thoughts.

isnt the act of getting married usually selfish? you plan a ceremony/reception and expect people to not only show up, but show up with a gift. then all of the attention for the entire time is supposed to be directed at the couple. that seems pretty selfish to me. [sm=2cents.gif]

i say elope if you want. i wish we would have.

ORIGINAL: meilani

 . I cannot justify paying $5000+ for one day when I could use that money as a down payment on a house



I wish, try 30 thousand, and we did alot ourselves, like invitations, cars didn't cost anything being involved in a car club, table deco's and what ever else. We did so much our selves to get out of it cheap.

This is why I wish I had of put that money towards a house. BBQ in the back yard would have been so much cheaper, but thinking of family and freinds, big mistake.



We didn't get presents off everyone either.

[link>http://forum.dog.com/asp/showProfile.asp?memid=3824]cyclefiend2000[/link]
 
Not every one expects presents, we had a wishing well were people put money in without us knowing who put what in. We didn't expect money off every one at all. Gee they could have all put $2 in each.
 
You say it's selfish, usually the brides parents or the bride and groom pay for the wedding, where everyone has a free feed and free drinks, how is that selfish when they pay for every one else to party ?????????
I sat outside in a room where I could drink and relax with a smoke on my night, everyone knew where I was if they wanted to talk to me. I even had 18 year olds telling me my responsibilities for the night, my words were go jump I am paying for it I will do what I want, especially since I have been going since 4.45 this morning. Some just don't realize what it takes out of you. Not only the day but just organisation.
 

 
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I had two nieces elope.  I was quite sad to have missed the opportunity to meet those husbands and see family.  Now as to the money aspect.  That can be dealt with in novel ways.  I did not read all the posts but in some areas of the country many years ago, the wedding cake was built by the guests who brought individual layers.  If you sent a letter of explanation with an invitation to a simple outdoor event in a park, I think that might work.  I know I would have loved to have that option in my nieces situations.    You can also send out announcements prior to the event indicating a private wedding and the a pot luck party.  It is the family and community  blessing that makes a wedding event special in my opinion.

I'm not taking a stand on this one, other than what I've already said.  I think it's insanity to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding[:@].  One sister spent over $75,000 on her daughters wedding.  The marriage lasted oh, five or six years.  THEN they paid for a second wedding to someone they didn't want her to marry, a man who is older than ME, and that one lasted less than 3 years......now to me this is foolish.  Just open the toilet lid and start flushing.  I can't BEGIN to imagine having that kind of money to just throw away.  This is ONE DAY.
 
Back in my day, it was uncommon to have a dinner at the reception unless the grooms family was from out of town.  Now it seems to be the norm and I just can't see spending upwards of $100 per plate for rubber chicken or overcooked beef.
 
While I enjoyed being able to share my day with family and friends, if for some reason we HAD eloped, I would have still wanted to have had at least a small reception for family and friends.  And, it doesn't HAVE to cost a lot.
 
My son is in upstate NY, many, many miles from us.  He and his finance have been together for 10 years.  Last year when they discovered cancerous cells in her cervix, they talked about just getting married so she could be on his insurance and then having a "wedding" later.  They opted to wait so that THEY could share the day with family.  I honestly encouraged them to do just that, but my son said that he wouldn't FEEL married unless I was there.  They've lived   together all this time, but he wouldn't feel married without me there?
 
I'm not saying that the day isn't about the couple, and I'm sure not saying that the wedding should be some elaborate production if that isn't what the couple wants.  If you want small and cozy, then so be it and Grandma can get over it.  And, Erin, if your dad doesn't care, and there are no other family members that YOU care about, then go for it.  But, my old coot opinion is that it's awfully nice to include the family in some way.

Same here, Glenda.  We didn't have a dinner at the reception, either.  We had our reception at the Chief's Club at the Naval Training Center in San Diego and since our wedding was in January, all the pointsettias and little white lights from Christmas were still up. We had finger sandwiches and a few assorted salads, punch, cake & mints. The club bar was right there, and if anyone wanted something stronger than the traditional champagne, they could just go get it.  It was pretty reasonable, and stress-free.

Joyce

I can't say that it is really selfish to elope, per se.  But as a mother, it would be heartbreaking not to see my child get married.  It is a milestone in a loved one's life.

When my son got married, his fiancee never did get things together for a wedding...procrastination or whatever...so within one week we managed  to have a snall private church wedding with no hoopla.  Then we all went out for dinner and paid for our own.  Her Mom got a cake from Publix.  That was really all I needed to satisfy me.

The marriage didn't last much more than a year...the ex never should have gone through with it.