Getting Over Death of Old Dog to Bond With New Dog...

I've owned quite a few dogs over the course of my almost 60 years.  Some I raised from pups and others I got as adult dogs.  No two dogs are alike and every dog I've owned has been unique.  Some I've been closer to than others.  I never have the expectation that a new dog will fill the space in my heart that another filled.  They each have wiggled their way into their own special place.  :)  I think you may have not been ready emotionally for this new dog but she's there and you're comitted to keeping her. :)  She may turn out to be a dog that will never be as close to you as your other dog but she may prove herself special in other ways.   Give all this some time. 

When you look at her, see her, instead of the other dog and remember that she owes you her life.  That has to be one of the most powerful bonds any two beings can have.  (((hugs)))

Can't sum it up any better than Jackie did...she knocked it out of the park. So I will just agree with her and add more ((hugs)).

Hi JackieG, Thanks for your reply and kind words. Yes, I had a couple of other dogs before my last one- and loved them, but she was extra special. Her inability to accept other people/animals was really a personality disorder I guess. I could never find a way to make it better. We took a six day trip once when she was nine months old and left her at a nice boarding kennel. She was so freaked out that she would hardly eat and she lost a lot of hair for a while due to the stress it caused her. We had to muzzle her to take her to the vet and chose secluded places to walk her because she would lunge and bark furiously at people or other animals she saw. It was hard to take a vacation without her along,  so we had to plan accordingly. However, her loyalty and deep love was endearing. I always knew that she would protect us to her last breath. I also knew that she would probably die if she had to have other owners. I guess I feel a little guilty in a weird way- at having another dog when I know that she would never have accepted another family. Maybe I should have let her be my last dog- but you are right, now I am committed to this new dog and I'm glad to have saved her from that awful kill shelter. It is also nice to see the progress she has already made health wise. Her hair is now soft as silk and glowing and she's already put on a bit of weight, much different than she looked at the pound.

Thank you and a (((HUG))) back to both of you.

I understand why she was so special to you.  I've owned a dog like that.  For me, I've learned the most about life and dogs from the dogs that I wasn't all that bonded to, for whatever reason.  It's easy to love some dogs because they are so dependent on us but it's much more rewarding, to me, to gain the love and respect of a dog that isn't easy or even fun sometimes.  I do think you're still very much hurting from the loss of this dog.  Time is the only help and everyone has their own time table.  Don't feel guilty because you're still hurting.  I still cry about dogs I've lost many years ago but it's easier now to have good memories without tears. 

 In the meantime,  keep working and training with your new dog.  A class with a positive trainer would be great. Clicker training is also lots of fun and you might give it a try.  Training requires communication and communication is the first step in bonding. :)   You said in your first post that it feels like your new dog belongs to someone else.  I bet, if you could ask her, she'd disagree.  :)

ETA:  What's your new dog's name and welcome to the forum.

 when we lost our old shepherd, Sadie, nearly 7 years ago she'd been with us for 14 years. It wasn't unexpected but still hard.

We had molly a month later and yeah it took awhile. I think we get so used to the behavior of an aging dog it's hard to start over again.

BUT - they start to love and adore their new family so easily that it comes naturally after awhile.

The grieving process is going to happen anyway....but I bet your new dog already loves her new family :)

would love to see pictures

Everything that Jackie said ... DITTO.

However -- I'm also going to add because of what you've just said.  Because I'm about 10 minutes ahead of you in going thru the same thing.

I lost my Billy in March.  We have two other dogs, but my bond with Billy was very very special.  There was almost a communion of soul there and the pain of it's loss is agony.  I'm lonely.  With two other dogs and a husband and a very busy job-- I'm hurting and I'm lonely as heck.  BUT I'm working thru that grief.  Because that's what it is.  Grief.

I've had many dogs in my life and I've been blessed to have several with whom I was very bonded.  But every single, solitary dog is DIFFERENT.  Just as different as people are.  Just as different as your human friends and family may be.  And part of the wonderful experience of loving them is realizing that uniqueness.  But they don't live as long as we do.  And when there is a heinous disease like IMHA (I'm assuming that's what your dog suffered from - it is a horrible, horrible disease) it steals what time you may have left.

But it also leaves guilt.  What happened and how did it happen so fast.  What didn't I see.  Coping with such a sudden devastating loss is very difficult. 

Don't let yourself degenerate into simple self-abuse.  You are the human.  It was you who gave HER the home.  It was also you who likely spent a lot of time both trying to train her, but then also making it possible for her to cope with your family and be happy.  No, she likely wouldn't have accepted another family but that's moot -- it doesn't matter because she DID have you.  That's ALL that matters.

Any time you have to go the extra mile for a dog there tends to be a stronger bond. Part of that simply results from the fact that you have spent a lot of time with that dog.  As you got to know each other the special times were possible.

So first, you're being a bit unfair to compare your relationship with the one you lost with this newbie.  Time just hasn't been able to work any magic at all yet.

It takes WORK sometimes to really bond with a dog.  So that's honestly what you need to do.  You've committed to her and that's incredibly important.  So ... go one step further and simply commit to *trying*.  I didn't say to succeed, but just *try*.  Watch her and look for things that this dog does uniquely.  What's she good at?  What good things come of her being with your family.  Who IS she drawn to?  Maybe it's time for someone else in your family to be close to the dog. 

THAT is the kicker.  That's where I am right now.  Billy and I were thicker than thieves.  I could get inside his head and he could get in mine.  It happened quick -- when he came to us I was in a bad state emotionally and he was needy.  And wow -- we bonded very tightly.

I love Luna and I love Tinkerbell.  They are both very good dogs and both are going to be incredible pet therapy dogs (Luna already is and Tink shows incredible promise).  But neither of them is particularly bonded to me.

That sucks, to be honest.  It leaves **ME** feeling empty and alone. 

But you know what?  That's MY problem.  It's not a lack in either one of them.  So I keep working on it.  They tend to be more bonded to each other than to me.  And if I were completely, totally, more-honest-than-I-wish-I-had-to-be I'd admit I'm almost jealous of their relationship with each other.

Sooo ...

you know my mother had a saying when I was a kid ... "so you sow, so you reap".  She wasn't particularly religious - it just made sense to her.  And the older I get the more sense it makes to me.

So -- I'm trying to SOW what I want to reap.  I spend time with each dog individually.  I work on training ALL the time.  I go out of my way to be delighted when they get something right.

But I try really hard to evaluate what they both do and find good in it.  And I let THAT heal my heart and draw me in.  It's deliberate.  It's SLOW.  It's not going to happen over night.

But I will build a close relationship with each of them.

It won't be what I had with Billy.  But it will be unique.  Because each of them IS unique. 

And I can't dishonor Billy by trying to imitate what I had with him elsewhere. He was special.  He was one of a kind.  One of the reasons my bond with him was so deep was simply because he was such an incredibly unique personality.  It was him ... I"m thankful I'll never have *exactly* the same relationship with another dog because I was fortunate enough to love Billy the Venturing English cocker spanYELL and he loved me. 

Mourning him has to be a completely separate issue from any other dog.

That's the real point I'd like to leave you with.  Don't dilute what you had with the other dog by comparing it to what you have with the new one.  Every single day is new.  If you spend most of a day being disappointed because it's not as good as the day before you waste all your days.  Don't cause yourself extra grief and heartache -- keep your feelings separate. 

Take time to mourn the first dog.  Perhaps do something lasting -- plant a tree, or do something to commemorate something she thought was special.  Make a picture collage or donate something to a rescue.  Put your feelings in writing.  But put some thought into it and make it reflect all the best she was.  It may simply be that you'll come to the conclusion that what you truly did was bond tightly with a dog who had some serious issues - and in trying to deal with those and make them work in everyone's life THAT resulted in a bond that she wouldn't have had anywhere else.  You made a bad thing into a GOOD one.  And the bond likely resulted in large measure from that work and the fact that you accepted her as she was and emphasized her good rather than allowing her issues to destroy her life with you.

The more I think about Billy the more I see what made him special.  THAT is what I want to remember.  THAT is what I want to celebrate.  THAT is what changed me.

As you evaluate that bond with the first dog ... realize how she changed you.  And maybe her loss has revealed to you a part of your personality that needs 'support' that you never really realized was lacking before.  Hopefully through that you'll be able to understand yourself a bit better.

I know how hard it is for me to move on right now.  I told my husband (and he agrees) that I don't want another dog right now.  Part of me wants BADLY to try to seek that relationship with another dog.  Part of me wants BADLY to go find another needy dog that can need me. 

But ... that does Billy a disservice.  I need to deal with my own "stuff" ... AND move on to do the things with Tink and Luna that we know they're good at.  To focus my energy on working with them.

Then ... at some point it will be right and a dog who needs us will find us.  But I'd rather be healthy and whole for that dog.  AND most of all I want to give Luna and Tink a fair shake and give them the training they need.  Tink, in particular, has the raw material to be a really really incredible therapy dog.  IF .... big huge hairy mammoth **IF**

If I work with her.  If we train her better.  If we're patient with her and give her the right experiences.

That's all simply about me --- how I need to cope with my loss.

Your path is different.  But this new dog is raw material and apparently you're doing a pretty good job with training.  Give yourself time.  Work on your own grief over your other dog and realize this new dog is a separate thing.  She's unique.  She's unlike any other dog.  And the relationship you develop with her will also be unique. 

I have to hand you BIG kudos -- you're being pretty honest with yourself in that you realize it's more difficult than you wish it was.  I hope you can separate this tho -- you have to grieve for the other dog.  It's a process.  It takes TIME.  I've had dogs before where it took me **Years** to really grieve and get over their loss.  But when I finally did I discovered there was even more joy there than I thought.  That in that grieving process I learned more about *me*.  And I learned even more lessons of what that dog still had to teach me .... even though they were gone.

But don't waste time feeling guilty because you've brought a new dog in.  It has NOTHING to do with the fact that the other dog needed the uniqueness of *you*.  And she had you. 

But now THIS dog needs you also.  They don't have as long as we do.  Our lives can't stop because we lose them.  But we take that richness that they left and we build on it.  You take what you learned with the other dog and apply it.  You avoid the mistakes you made with the first dog.  And you find the unique things that define *this* dog and build on them.  You'll grow and so will the dog.  And your family will love you for it.

They can't all be "heart" dogs.  If they were all alike it would diminish their specialness. But you're special too.  This dog is finding that out.

JackieG

It's easy to love some dogs because they are so dependent on us but it's much more rewarding, to me, to gain the love and respect of a dog that isn't easy or even fun sometimes

The emphasis is mine -- BOY is that a wise wise statement.

Thanks again. The posts here are helping me and I appreciate that very much. It's difficult to talk to my husband or daughter about it because they have the sorrow of losing Midnight (our lost girl)  also- and different dynamics are going on. Many people wouldn't understand at all- but I figured that there would be people on here who could understand, have insight, and give good advice- and I was right. :) My new girl is named Cinnamon btw. I have gotten to where I call her Cinnabon more now though, for some reason. Seems to roll off the tounge easier somehow, lol. I always wind up giving my pets different little versions of their names. I called Midnight Meme a lot of the time. Of course it would be good to let Cinnamon know her actual name before starting with "bun-bun" or something equally as irritating, lol. My daughter named her.

I actually thought I was going to adopt a boy dog and had male names picked out- because those were the most "at risk" looking dogs on the shelter's website and there were four who had been there quite a while. I wrote their names and ID numbers down. When first going to the shelter I sat and talked with one of the officers there. She asked what type of dog I was looking for- personality wise. I said- well as long as they were somewhat friendly and not overly neurotic- I would consider any dog. I said that one who was pleasant to everyone but would get attached to their family quite strongly in particular and be protective would be a plus- if she knew their personalities that well. She said there was a six month old German Shepherd boy that she thought would be like that. So, I saw him and liked him- but I like almost all dogs upon first meeting. He didn't become available until the next day because he was a stray. In the meantime, I went to look at others that I had put on my list. Two of them were brothers and had been there the longest of any of the dogs. One was sickly and would hardly get out of his bed. A volunteer there said that the brother had been the same way for a couple of days but had gotten over it. The volunteer also said that the brothers were very close and did everything together. They were very large dogs- and I thought maybe we could find a way to take both- though I had only wanted one dog and thought that would be optimum for us with our house/yard space and finances, but thought it would be rather cruel and perhaps a difficult adjustment for just one to go with me. So, it was something I needed to think over a bit more and discuss with my husband. The next day I came back shortly after they opened and a man was there wanting to adopt the German Shepherd pup that had been suggested to me. I said- that's fine- there are others needing homes that will also be good pets. Then I asked about the two brothers and they had already killed them!!! Imagine how horrible I felt. They also killed the other boys I had on my list and a number of others because they got an unusual amount of dogs in since the previous evening! So, I wound up choosing between several girls, but made sure I didn't leave again without making a definite decision.

 Clicker training- sounds interesting and something new for me. I believe I could use some help from a professional trainer. I thought we were doing pretty well with leash training, but Cinnabon is becoming bolder and lurching more now. She's getting stronger too, but that is good :)

 I think Cinnabon is feeling bonded now. There is a neighborhood cat who wears a collar and seems well fed but runs loose some of the time. I see her sitting on the porch from time to time. She was on the porch when I broght Cinnabon home- and she took notice, but didn't lunge or bark at the cat. Now, if she she's the cat from the window, she barks like crazy- so she has figured out that this is her territory and who belongs in it.

I'm so sorry about your sweet Billy. He does sound like a very special dog. I'm also happy that he had you. Yes, you do understand. What you talk about- the communion of souls, the almost unbearable grief and loneliness is on target. I'm sorry that you are going through it too-- but the way you are handling it and your advice is so helpful and inspiring- I wish that I could offer you something in return.

Yes,  IMHA is what killed my Midnight. I had never heard of it. It is the most heinous thing. You are also right that I still feel shock over it- and guilt. Did I miss something and what set it off in the first place? She had no tumours or indications of cancer in her blood- there was no definite "cause" and they couldn't tell me if it was primary or secondary. They said they could do an autopsy but there was a 60% chance that they still wouldn't find the definite cause, so I didn't go on with it. I was just in shock at that point and couldn't think at all. She was in a chronic care facility for a day and a half- had blood tranfusions and all that- but her organs just shut down. Even though she was twelve she was very active and healthy- and I didn't really even think of her as old. I thought that I would have her several more years. I really never thought much about "the end" because she wasn't much different than she was at five.

So you train therapy dogs? That sounds wonderful. I would love to hear more about it.  Was Billy also trained to be a therapy dog? If Cinnabon's personality is right for it- I thought I might like to take her to nursing homes to cheer up the elderly. She may be too hyper, but maybe that is something that can be worked on and will lessen with time- she is still quite young.

 I probably should have waited longer to get a dog as well, but it's not like I see this dog as a burden- and she is here now, so I will take your advice and concentrate on my new dog's uniqueness and understand that we will make memories together and what I had with Midnight should always be seperate, as it is not fair to either dog to ever compare. I will take your insight and experience to heart and hope to gain wisdom in the way that you have. The pain is still raw with me, maybe more acute than I realized- but I hope and believe that it will help me to learn more about myself, as you say.

 I really avoided getting a solid black Lab mix dog with pointed ears that reminded me of Midnight- also tried to avoid the Alpha personality (to that degree) because I thought I would do less "comparing" that way. The other day I went with a friend to a shelter in her town so she could pick out a dog. They had a short legged, stocky mixed breed dog that they wouldn't let out of it's kennel. All the other dogs were running around outside the kennels and it was barking viciously. I went over and talked to it and it wagged it's tail and "smiled" at me. I wanted to take it, lol, but now have another little girl to consider.

 So far, Cinnabon seems to like us all the same, and that's nice. I like being the favorite, but can't be so selfish :)

Thanks for your kindness and for taking the time to write this to me. It really helped. I wish you the best of luck and times with Luna and Tinkerbell. I look forward to hearing more about your work with them.

That shelter sounds like a hellish place and it's *very* difficult to make a sane decision under that sort of pressure.

This forum is absolutely INCREDIBLE for support.  And particularly grieving.  There is a whole "Rainbow Bridge" section that is wonderful and a couple of the folks have actually made pictures with everyone's dogs put in on the "meadow" ... it's just a wonderful idea.

Keep going -- you're doing well!

Thank you. Your dog is cute. I will post a pic in the next few days. You can see the Shepherd in her- but she is mixed with who knows what. Maybe some of the people on here would have some ideas. The vets aide called her "the Shepherd thingy", lol.

 It's never easier, no matter how old your dog is. I was just preparing in my mind  for my dog's old age- maybe blindness, arthritis, various medications. I would have happily nursed her with any problem- but she lived an active and seemingly pain free and happy life until she got sick so suddenly. Of course dogs are so stoic they often live with ills we don't know about for some time.

Yes, it's hellish and rather traumatic just to be there for a short amount of time. This does seem like a very supportive place. I look forward to some lighter converstaion as well. I'm not always so morose. It comes and goes. Today was a worse day- but you and the other sweet posters helped so much. I looked at your pics. Billy was adorable! Tinkerbell and Luna are cuties too!

Thanks again for your kindness and wisdom. Do you own all those precious looking dogs at the present time? I've never had more than one dog at a time- though I've had a turtle, guinea pig, and fish at the same time as a dog.