Potential conflict w/ Best friend over dog

Ashland-My husband and I (both 25) are both home right now, rather than at a 4th of July party, because our fur-baby is scared of the booms.  I am so happy to have a DH who loves our dog just as he will our children. 
 
It sounds to me like the decision has already been made...it's you and Ash and there just isn't room in your home for a roommate right now.  You and Kaitlyn reallly are in two different places right now, and I agree that the fighting would probably be worse if you lived together.  She would want to go out, and get upset that you were staying with your dog.  I am sure it will work out, good luck standing up for yourself.

Ashland I'm gonna jump in here -- first I'm kinda "older than dirt" now and happily married BUT I didn't get married til my early 30's the first time (and that' WAS a disaster) and now I've got a husband who DOES "get it" but trust me -- living with the wrong person (friend or partner) is the WORST.
 
Looking back on it, I've had lots of friends.  But *most* friends tend to fade in and out of your life simply because they don't wind up growing and changing like you do.  (That's the pitfall a lot of marriages fall into as well.)  It's not critical that you both become the same "type" of people but in order for that friendship to survive you gotta respect that both of you are GONNA change and you support each other in that ... or you drift apart and the friendship fades.
 
99% of friendships fall into that category.  Maybe you've been friends since grade school but there's  no rule that says you're gonna be friends forever.  To be that type of friend requires a commitment to being self-less that most folks just aren't capable of.
 
Quite honestly?  Your friend is showing you all sorts of signs that she just isn't a very good friend.  Ash aside -- this gal is selfish.  She wants a party buddy and cheap rent.  That sounds harsh, but seeing it as someone who has 'been there' I can tell you that all this gal's arguments are geared towards one thing -- separating you from that "thing" that she thinks is hindering her from getting you to comply with her wishes.  SHE wants to move in, SHE wants your company partyin, and SHE wants it her way.
 
That's not friendship.  That's one person using another.  Friendship is "well, I'm not really a dog person and you are and if you have reservations about us living together then let's shelve the idea for now  and have pizza in".  Or friendship is "You know, you're right -- you just aren't the party hardy type any more ... but you still make the best brownies on the planet so no I won't move in but if I bring the milk would you make the brownies and we'll watch a movie tonight?  Ash just has to promise to leave MY socks alone while they're on MY feet ok??"
 
One could say it's 'maturity' -- but frankly a lot of folks like this just never develop that.  What it really comes down to is how selfish someone is.  Browbeating someone to get your own way isn't the way to happiness in sharing an apartment.  BUT I'd wager that it's worked well for this girl in the past so she thinks she can badger you into letting her move in.
 
Kinda makes ME think "Hmm, I bet I know why the boyfriend is an HOUR away, and since she's so keen to party on withOUT him, she's just hedging her bets so she doesn't wind up totally alone!"
 
You're right -- don't feel bad about it, and don't feel like you've let her down.  We change.  Life changes and we learn to adapt and deal with it.  A dog DOES change us -- and it sounds like you've gotten a hefty dose of "responsibility" -- and that's honestly not a bad thing!! 
 
And I bet Ash doesn't leave clothes all over the apartment!! *grin*  Ash may not take a turn at cleaning the bathroom, but probably won't leave hair in the sink either!! LOL

ORIGINAL: calliecritturs

Ashland I'm gonna jump in here -- first I'm kinda "older than dirt" now and happily married BUT I didn't get married til my early 30's the first time (and that' WAS a disaster) and now I've got a husband who DOES "get it" but trust me -- living with the wrong person (friend or partner) is the WORST.

Looking back on it, I've had lots of friends.  But *most* friends tend to fade in and out of your life simply because they don't wind up growing and changing like you do.  (That's the pitfall a lot of marriages fall into as well.)  It's not critical that you both become the same "type" of people but in order for that friendship to survive you gotta respect that both of you are GONNA change and you support each other in that ... or you drift apart and the friendship fades.

99% of friendships fall into that category.  Maybe you've been friends since grade school but there's  no rule that says you're gonna be friends forever.  To be that type of friend requires a commitment to being self-less that most folks just aren't capable of.

Quite honestly?  Your friend is showing you all sorts of signs that she just isn't a very good friend.  Ash aside -- this gal is selfish.  She wants a party buddy and cheap rent.  That sounds harsh, but seeing it as someone who has 'been there' I can tell you that all this gal's arguments are geared towards one thing -- separating you from that "thing" that she thinks is hindering her from getting you to comply with her wishes.  SHE wants to move in, SHE wants your company partyin, and SHE wants it her way.

That's not friendship.  That's one person using another.  Friendship is "well, I'm not really a dog person and you are and if you have reservations about us living together then let's shelve the idea for now  and have pizza in".  Or friendship is "You know, you're right -- you just aren't the party hardy type any more ... but you still make the best brownies on the planet so no I won't move in but if I bring the milk would you make the brownies and we'll watch a movie tonight?  Ash just has to promise to leave MY socks alone while they're on MY feet ok??"

One could say it's 'maturity' -- but frankly a lot of folks like this just never develop that.  What it really comes down to is how selfish someone is.  Browbeating someone to get your own way isn't the way to happiness in sharing an apartment.  BUT I'd wager that it's worked well for this girl in the past so she thinks she can badger you into letting her move in.

Kinda makes ME think "Hmm, I bet I know why the boyfriend is an HOUR away, and since she's so keen to party on withOUT him, she's just hedging her bets so she doesn't wind up totally alone!"

You're right -- don't feel bad about it, and don't feel like you've let her down.  We change.  Life changes and we learn to adapt and deal with it.  A dog DOES change us -- and it sounds like you've gotten a hefty dose of "responsibility" -- and that's honestly not a bad thing!! 

And I bet Ash doesn't leave clothes all over the apartment!! *grin*  Ash may not take a turn at cleaning the bathroom, but probably won't leave hair in the sink either!! LOL

 
Everything that callie said. [sm=clapping%20hands%20smiley.gif]

Everything that callie said.

Always

Only, I'm not older than dirt, yet[][][]

ORIGINAL: jennie_c_d

Everything that callie said.

Always

Only, I'm not older than dirt, yet[][][]

 
I don't know why I thought you were 30 something, my bad.[]  Well, I guess I will be keeping callie company, I will be turning 39 this August, and I am going to party like is 1999...ok, now I am really giving my age away...[sm=dance.gif]

Different concern, what if something happens to Ash on her watch (deliberately or unintentionally).  I do not know how I would react to a dog bolting out a door into traffic or eating something toxic.  I do know that folks don't always do things in a manner to keep the dogs safe ; I live with my father, rather he moved in with us.  His aging process is interfering with motor skills.  And, the dogs take advantage of him.  They do what they want, when they want.  We have to be very vigilant to keep both parties safe.

MRV that's exactly right -- even when both parties are motivated TO be careful, but age or illness interferes it gets problematic like with your situation.  But in a case like Ash's this other gal unfortunately wouldn't be motivated AT ALL (Oops the dog got out problem solved!!).   You'd want to think sheer human compassion would negate that but it doesn't.

Everything that callie said.

 
Ditto. 

P.S. olinda & callie - I really am older than dirt - in fact, I'm older than old dirt - I'll be 56 this month.  And, having lived with dogs, roomies, ex-DH and BF's, I can tell you that the dogs make the best housemates!  Fortunately, I finally have a BF that "gets it"...

Stick to your guns. I've had to tell friends no, before. If they are truly your friends, they will understand and not impose.
 

I'm as old as dirt too but I've had lots of compost added over the years, so I'm better than when I was young [].

I was at an after-work BBQ with some girlfriends a few weeks ago and at 7:30, I said I had to go.  We'd only been there since 6 and everyone was shocked I was leaving, but I just said "the dogs have been alone all day and I need to get home and spend some time with them".  The friends who also have dogs said "oh, absolutely, get on home" and the others just smiled and shook their head.  Some don't really understand but they know me and respect my feelings.

Ditto what callie and anne said.    I'm 31 and my friend and I were just reminscing as we walked around our home town.  Her first time home in 7 years and my 5th in 7 years.  I don't know that I could live with her though.  We can reminsce and all that but we are far apart in beliefs, political feelings/leanings, etc.  I think we'd clash if we tried to have a conversation about "serious" or "mature" things like religion, marriage, politics, etc....  She's been my friend since Kindergarten and we grew up just a few streets from each other.  Two different worlds now...

Even taking the dog out of the equation here, YOU still have a choice. It's unfair of her to try to railroad you into this. It should be good enough for friends to say, "this doesn't work for me". Not to mention you didn't ask for it. I don't think you're being unreasonable by any means.

Absolutely, Laura.  Good grief - can you imagine someone just telling you that they're *going to move in with you?*  Ummmm.

Joyce

ORIGINAL: mrv

Different concern, what if something happens to Ash on her watch (deliberately or unintentionally).  I do not know how I would react to a dog bolting out a door into traffic or eating something toxic.  I do know that folks don't always do things in a manner to keep the dogs safe ; I live with my father, rather he moved in with us.  His aging process is interfering with motor skills.  And, the dogs take advantage of him.  They do what they want, when they want.  We have to be very vigilant to keep both parties safe.

 
My mom actually brought this point up to me. She said, "What if Katilyn just opened the door and Ash ran out? Katilyn doesn't know how Ash can be and doesn't know how to assert herself with Ash. What if something like that happened?" Great point and there is no way in hell I would take that chance.
 
So now that it's been a day or two (I didn't post back because I wasn't at work and I have no computer at home), I actually spoke with Kaitlyn again about this. I took a lot of what Callie said and used that. I just reiterated that I don't think it's good for us. I told her I thought she was being really selfish and acting spoiled.  I told her she may be able to do that with her boyfriend, but not with me and she knows it. My friend is a selfish person, but I've always known that I'm usually the only one who's able to put her in place. That's one of the reasons why we've probably been friends for as long as we have. We actually have the most honest relationship I've ever had with anyone and it's probably why we don't ever really argue. We disagree, but we never get into it badly.
 
Anyway, I told her I'd help her find a place and that she could even try getting into my complex. Finally, after her telling me that she's not being selfish and me pointing out in numerous ways of how she is, we finally stopped arguing. She just told me that she doesn't get how I can be so into a dog and I had to tell her that even if I didn't have Ash, I would still have reservations about moving in with her because we have different schedules now. She said that she was just upset that I had said no. After I started telling her how I thought it would be with her, me and Ash she said she hadn't really thought about it, but she was just so upset that I had said no and over a dog (in her mind).
 
So we're not mad anymore. Thank goodness because even though she can be a brat, I didn't want to lose her as my friend. I can be a brat too, of course. [] I'm not trying to make myself sound like an angel or anything. Maybe we will eventually grow apart, but I'm not ready for that to happen. If she had seriously stayed upset over this though, I would have had no choice but to just let her be mad and if we parted ways, then we parted ways.