Dog Community

Potential conflict w/ Best friend over dog

Posted : 7/3/2006 4:59:22 PM

My best friend wants to move in with me at the end of my lease. We're very close and so she just kinda assumed that she could. She wants us to get a 2 bedroom apartment together because her boyfriend is moving about an hour away and she doesn't want to live alone. This would be o.k. with me, but I have a dog now. If I didn't have Ash, this would be great news. I've often considered looking for a roommate, but my there would be many requirements if I got one, the first being how good they are with dogs. Meaning how good they are with Ash. Everytime I think about it though, I just end up ruling it out because Ash means too much to me and she and I have our set schedule and routine. We're very comfortable right now and I don't NEED a roommate.

So anyway, my friend has basically told me that she is going to move in with me. I didn't respond at first and then I said to her that I wasn't sure it was a good idea. First of all, she doesn't even like dogs. She resents Ash because I spend so much time with her. It's often a joke that I can't go anywhere unless Ash is properly exercised and tired out. I've even cancelled plans (not any big plans or anything) if I knew Ash wasn't tired enough to be crated for 3 or more hours.

Plus, Ash is very energetic. She also is allowed on the furniture. She doesn't get into trash anymore, but she still has an affinity for my socks. My friend leaves her clothes and shoes everywhere. (We've lived together before). Another factor is that whereas before when we lived together we pretty much had the same schedule, now we don't. Ever since I got Ash, everythings pretty much changed. My friend still sleeps in until 1 or 2 AM on the weekends and I get up at 8 AM on the weekends, 9 at the latest. She stays up until midnight on weekdays and Ash and I go to sleep at 10 on weekdays. Ash won't go to sleep if she heres something else going on in the other room.

My friend also has a boyfriend who would be coming over and they're both loud people. I know I sound like a prude or something, but I keep thinking about Ash! I'm 24 and my friend is 25. Now that her boyfriend is moving, she is looking very forward to her and I going out all night again. I don't have an desire to hit up the bar scene anymore, which gives her cause to call me an old granny. [

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So needless to say, when I mentioned all of these things to her she said, "You don't want to live together again because of a damn dog? Are you serious?" I said, "Ummm, yeah." She starts saying how I'm like a mother now except I don't have a kid and that I need to realize it's just a dog. I said, "She is not 'just a dog' to me and what do you expect me to do? Get rid if her because you want to move in? I'm not saying it wouldn't be great to live together again, but I honestly just don't think it would work. Plus, have you even thought about all the things I've just mentioned? You hate dogs! She sheds and your clothes will be covered with her fur. I just see arguments and disagreements in our future if we do this. I don't want to ruin our friendship over this." and to this she says, "You don't want to ruin our friendship over a dog? Well I'm not trying to ruin our friendship, but you obviously are choosing your dog over it." We hung up.

I haven't spoken to her 2 days now and we work together! I don't know how to fix this. Am I being a prude? I don't know. My life pretty much does revolve aroiund Ash now and while I usually don't care about that, sometims I wonder if it's normal. [

] I mean, I do have social life, but I as I said before, I will cancel plans or not go somewhere if I don't think she's gonna be o.k. I've also left work before when I got a call that she was vomiting.

I don't know. I love Ash more than anything and I've always said that I wouldn't apologize for it, but I never thought my best friend and I would be arguing about something like this.

Any thoughts? (sorry about it being so long and probably having multiple grammatical errors. no time to spell check. )

sillysally

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:04:54 PM

You could turn it around. Tell her that you doubt she would be happy living with you and your dog. She sheds, is energetic, eats socks, steals clothes, and is needy (I'm not trying to insult her, but this is what you could tell her).

ashland

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:10:13 PM

That's the initial approach I tried to take with her. I said Ash is very energetic, high maintenance, eats socks and destroys shoes, sheds. I said all of that. It's all true too! Ash is all of those things! I know my dog! [

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Luvntzus

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:13:51 PM

I can't even imagine all the arguments and disagreements that would occur AFTER your friend moved in! [&:]

The problem is that you're in two different places right now. She's still doing the partying, staying up and getting up late thing and you've basically settled down with a "kid". That changes EVERYTHING. I'm the same way with my Shih Tzu. He's my baby and we have a schedule. I've also cancelled plans when he wasn't tired enough to go in his crate. I usually made an excuse like I had a headache or something because very few people will understand. My family and my husband's family are finally getting the picture how important Gingerbread is to me.

It seems like your friend feels like your dog has taken her place and resents how much you care about her. It doesn't help that she's with the "it's just a dog" crowd. She'd probably be a little more understanding if you had a kid, but to people like you and me, our dog IS our kid. Maybe you could find some way to try and explain it to her like that? If she can't respect that then I'd say she has her own consideration issues.

sillysally

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:16:45 PM

Yeah, I have like, one friend that understands the way I feel about Sally--I feel your pain.

garrettandpaul

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:17:12 PM

Unfortunately seeing that she sees Ash as just "a dog" and not what she really is to you she isn't going to understand anything you tell her. I personally would politely say I don't feel its a good idea and if she wants to act immature about it than so be it. I feel if someone can't respect my choices and my fur kids than they can just keep on going. I have a friend who we have been friends for about 10yrs. and she thinks I'm nuts because of our dogs and the way we treat them and talk to them. I just politely told her that she doesn't have to act or agree with the things I do with my dogs but she DOES have to respect my decison or YES I will choose my dogs over ANY person. G'luck with this situation[

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ashland

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:21:47 PM

You know, most of my friends know that I love my dog like a child. They may crack a joke or two now and then, but they don't seem to resent me for it. My friend has fallen into this category until now. I still go out, I'll just leave earlier if I need too. I've also made new friends that are dog lovers. I've joined a dog walking group and a responsible dog owners association group. I also volunteer at the SPCA. So things have changed, but they have with her as well. She fell off the face of the earth when she met her boyfriend and has only resurfaced whenever he's out of town. I love her boyfriend and couldn't be happier for her. I never give her a hard time about her spending so much time with him, but that's probably because I have other things going on.

Terri

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:22:49 PM

I don't have any advice for you except what has already been said. But I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm 25, and granted I am married, but I would rather hang out with my dogs any day rather than go out all night. Many times we have cancelled our plans or come home early to take care of our boys. I will never leave them for more than a few hours and not unless they've had enough exercise. I really respect people with that attitude. These guys count on us to take care of them and we need to be responsible! [

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olinda

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:23:48 PM

I also had a friend who would always try to make me feel bad about my relationship w/Romeo, to the point that he made an appointment for me with a shrink because I was not normal. I had known this person for 17 yrs, we had been there for each other for just about everything you can think (loosing parents, jobs, spouses, illness) he would come over and be mean to Romeo, or call him names, I had asked him on several occassions not to do that and had even asked him to leave my house, one day he said " he is just a stupid dog" that was it. Romeo is still with me. It hurt me deeply, but if you are going to come to my house you not only need to respect me, but my dog as well. [

] And who does not like it, they don't need to come over and we will meet some place else. Ultimately, I am my best friend.

ashland

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:26:00 PM

ORIGINAL: garrettandpaul
I have a friend who we have been friends for about 10yrs. and she thinks I'm nuts because of our dogs and the way we treat them and talk to them. I just politely told her that she doesn't have to act or agree with the things I do with my dogs but she DOES have to respect my decison or YES I will choose my dogs over ANY person. G'luck with this situation[]

That's how I feel now too. I would choose Ash over anything. I realized a few months after I got Ash that most people don't understand how I can love her so much seeing as that she's "just a dog". It took my own parents forever to realize that she means everything to me. I don't want us to stay mad, but I don't know how to approach her now. I think I'll just say something like, "I'm really sorry if I've offended you or hurt you, but I honestly don't think it would work out. I know we'll end up arguing over the dog and I don't want to see that happen." Something along those lines. I don't know!!!!

ashland

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:32:53 PM

ORIGINAL: lokis_mom

I don't have any advice for you except what has already been said. But I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm 25, and granted I am married, but I would rather hang out with my dogs any day rather than go out all night. Many times we have cancelled our plans or come home early to take care of our boys. I will never leave them for more than a few hours and not unless they've had enough exercise. I really respect people with that attitude. These guys count on us to take care of them and we need to be responsible! []

I completely agree! They count on us to take proper care of them. Ash waits for me to come home from work and there is just no way that I could get off of work and crate her back up again without properly exercising her. That would kill me. I just won't do it. She comes before any dinner or movie plans I may have.

Olinda- I'm single right now, but I already know that when I start dating again, it's going to be completely different this time around. They will definitely have to pass the Ash test. If they can't respect my dog, they don't belong with me.

olinda

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:33:34 PM

If she really was a "friend" she would respect your relationship with Ash, she does not have to like it or think is normal, but she can accept it becaue it makes you happy, that is if she was a "true friend". I have friends who don't understand my relationship with Romeo, but they respect it.

boneyjean

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:34:28 PM

Even if Ash were not in your life, it sounds to me like you and your friend are in different places in your life and you might have some conflicts just over that. It would be one thing if you were looking for a roommate and needed one. Maybe you have found that you really enjoy having your own place and don't really want a roommate...whether she and Ash will get along or not, that isn't even really the issue necessarily.....it sounds like she really doesn't have any compassion for your dog or any other for that matter and using the dog as a reason isn't going to get through to her. Have you tried approaching it saying something like, you know, I really enjoy liviing on my own and it has nothing to do with you, but I don't really want a roommmate right now. I like my schedule and my quiet time etc etc. Maybe offer to help her find a new place and maybe even a place in the same complex so that you can see each other all the time, but wake and sleep etc on your own time. I lived in the same complex as one of my best friends once and it was so much fun and worked much better b/c we both enjoyed living by ourselves but also enjoyed each others company. Plus, she was a slob and I can't stand living that way. We saved ourselves a lot of fights!!!!

Xerxes

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:36:04 PM

ORIGINAL: sillysally

You could turn it around. Tell her that you doubt she would be happy living with you and your dog. She sheds, is energetic, eats socks, steals clothes, and is needy (I'm not trying to insult her, but this is what you could tell her).

Wow, why don't guys ever think like that? (Me being one of them)

ashland

Posted : 7/3/2006 5:38:48 PM

ORIGINAL: boneyjean

Even if Ash were not in your life, it sounds to me like you and your friend are in different places in your life and you might have some conflicts just over that. It would be one thing if you were looking for a roommate and needed one. Maybe you have found that you really enjoy having your own place and don't really want a roommate...whether she and Ash will get along or not, that isn't even really the issue necessarily.....it sounds like she really doesn't have any compassion for your dog or any other for that matter and using the dog as a reason isn't going to get through to her. Have you tried approaching it saying something like, you know, I really enjoy liviing on my own and it has nothing to do with you, but I don't really want a roommmate right now. I like my schedule and my quiet time etc etc. Maybe offer to help her find a new place and maybe even a place in the same complex so that you can see each other all the time, but wake and sleep etc on your own time. I lived in the same complex as one of my best friends once and it was so much fun and worked much better b/c we both enjoyed living by ourselves but also enjoyed each others company. Plus, she was a slob and I can't stand living that way. We saved ourselves a lot of fights!!!!

You read my mind! I was just thinking about that option! I think I will mention it to her. And I've thought about that, if it's just that we're in different places right now. I think it does have something to do with it. However, if I didn't have Ash, I'd probably move in with her just because I'd have more money. I'm going back to school in the fall and not having to work full-time would help out A LOT. As of right now, I'll be working full-time with overtime. So that's probably the only reason I'd say yes to living together if I didn't have Ash. Other than that, I do enjoy living alone. I've lived with 5 people at once, her and me, me and boyfriend and now I live alone. It's great!