Stay at home moms opinion needed (mrstjohnson)

I am not a SAHM and my husband also works full time.  I often feel like most of the household responsibility lies on me.  He does the yard, helps take care of Devin in the evenings so I can make dinner without her hanging all over me, and cleans up the kitchen while I get her to bed.  He also keeps the laundry going for me on Sundays (I do all loads of laundry on one day rather than all week and all folding that night), and helps me fold laundry that night.  Every once in awhile he will empty the dishwasher if he notices that I ran it.  My Sundays feel like a marathon day and I hate giving up a full day to clean, shop etc, but I also would rather get it all done in one day than feel like I am constantly doing housework all week.  It means that when I get home at night, I make us all dinner which I actually really enjoy doing and spend time with my family.  Our kitchen and dining room have an open concept and we have a TV in the kitchen so hubby and Devin both often hang out in there with me while I make dinner which helps me not feel so isolated and like it is a chore that is keeping me from being with them. 

What I notice is that he will often stop helping me with some things in a sort of gradual manner, like for instance the laundry.  I may end up doing all of it one night and have to ask him again to help me the next week and he gets back on track.  I don't make a big deal about it but the next week I will ask if he will help me and tell him how much it helps me.  I notice lately that he is often folding as he takes it out of the dryer which also helps.  I can't do that because I am usually in the middle of dusting, vaccuming, cleaning bathrooms or grocery shopping. 

I really like the white/chalk board idea for random things that need to get done too.  You might even talk to him and say here are all the things I have to get done on a daily basis.  Which 2-3 of these things would you be willing to help me with?  Instead of telling him what to do, by giving him the choice, he might be even more willing and feel like he committed to it.      

Just a little comment on those who don't like to nag.  Some men need reminding and if you say "hey, would you mind walking the dog?" or whatever, they don't really think of it as nagging. When I do this to Charles he usually says he's sorry he forgot and does whatever I mentioned. But if I say "you promised me you would do such and such and now you've let me down again" blah, blah, blah, that gets everyone upset.  It tends to start a power struggle and that doesn't get the dog walked or the dishes done.  If that doesn't work, nag the hell out of 'em.  That way they can share with their buddies about the nagging wife. lol  Men love to do that and it's our job to provide them this bonding experience.

Lisa, I am not a SAHM or a mom at all, but I do also work 9 hour days and come home to do 99.9% of the household work (even when DH was working just part time).  The issue with us is that we have different standards of what the house should look like or when we relax vs. when we get chores done.  If I want the home to *my* standards, I just plain have to tell him to do something.  I hate to nag, but he admits he just doesn't notice or care about the stuff I care about.  I can't come home and relax if the house is a mess and the dogs are restless because they are not fed and need exercise.  If I want DH to get things done, I honestly write a list.  It's usually his idea, so it's not like I'm some overbearing biotch, he just needs a list.  Even asking him verbally is no guarantee he'll remember.  The one thing I always accept as my responsibility are the dogs.  He loves them but would not have them if we weren't together.

There are very few chores that are his but there are some, he's been doing them for YEARS, and I still remind him.

Well, I am a SAHM but our whole dynamic has changed since I started homeschooling 3 weeks ago.  It has been an adjustment to say the least.

Prior to being a homeschooling sahm:

I took care of the kids, cleaning, most of the cooking (dh does like to cook, so that's a bonus), dishes, laundry, vacuuming, petcare, kidcare.  Pretty much all the house related stuff.  DH brought home money, did the lawn and repair work, and did help out from time to time on varous house chores and caring for kids.

Now.... HSing is pretty much a full time job. It's averaging 4-6 hrs per day per KID (although DD is still preschool so she only gets a couple of worksheets and a story at present).    I try to bring the dirty laundry basket down with me each morning and get that started. I also try to take a second during one of Noah's breaks to switch laundry around, or fold it.  

I also try to keep up on dishes, but some days it's a challenge.  After 6 years of SAHM duties- there are 2 chores I struggle with immenseley. Dishes and Laundry. Same thing every day. Clean wash fold clean wash fold blah blah.  I DESPISE dishes and laundry.  

NOw that I am "working" during the day, dh pitches in more with the dishes and laundry. Although I feel some guilt because he makes this big production about it... for instance, if he's doing dishes- you know the dirty dishes get a stink to them, or are slimy or whatever, so he's got all the 'gross' comments. Same thing with laundry and it's usually 'can't you just switch these onc ein a while?'    SO, to avoid the negative reinforcements, I just try like the dickens to get this stuff done.  Usually about 4pm I kick it into gear and do a general tidy of dishes and laundry.

I think both staying at home (before AND after homeschooling ages) is exhausting.  Something it would take you 15 minutes to do takes a good 45 minutes to do with kids in tow.  Life can feel consuming. You are no longer yourself, you are so and so's wife and so and so's mom and that becomes your complete identity.  It IS depressing and stressful. 

Anyway, not sure if I answered all the questions, but I do think your DH should pitch in a little more and have the basic house work stuff done (laundry, dishes, supper). 

And off I go to teach ART now :)

To put it simply, no your not expecting too much your not expecting enough!  Get busy DH, you've got it made.

shamrockmommy

I think both staying at home (before AND after homeschooling ages) is exhausting.  Something it would take you 15 minutes to do takes a good 45 minutes to do with kids in tow.  Life can feel consuming. You are no longer yourself, you are so and so's wife and so and so's mom and that becomes your complete identity.  It IS depressing and stressful. 

wowsa...I feel bad for you, shammy. I have never ever felt that way. I hope you can find a place where you appreciate the time you do have with your kids, pride you can experience in your daily accomplishments, and that you get that positive feedback that is so vital. It should not be depressing to be a mom and wife, at least not all or even most of the time, IMO.((hugs))

On second thought, I think some things are better off left unsaid. Sorry I even mentioned my challenges with parenting in teh first place. :(

See above. Never mind.

why Shammy? if you feel that way it's important to us here...it shouldn't feel that way all the time, and that worried me because I do care about you and yours...like probably many others here do.

I don't mean to condescend, so very sorry if it came across that way in type, but rather send wishes that you DO find that place where you are happy and fulfilled and can see that what you do is SO important and should be highly thought of and appreciated by everyone...that is all I meant. Certainly didn't mean anything else!

There are a lot of reasons why I feel like I do.

I am just "jessie's wife"  I have moved 11 times in 14 years. That is a LOT of times to be ripped from great jobs, great friends, family, homes. 

I am just "N and E's mom"  because I care for them 24/7 for the last 6 years.  They have been a challenge to raise, are not the most easy going kids and that wears on me.  Now I homeschool so I have to do my best to keep my mood upbeat and positive to keep N on track with his work (he IS doing great by the way, loves learning and really likes science).  E is a challenging 4 yr old, very self assured and bossy and every day I have to remind her of manners. Sh is also the 'screaming" queen and that has been a hard habit to break (still working on it).   Kids ARE a lot of work.  They do make you sad, well they make Me sad at least. 

I long for DH to retire from the navy. I am beyond tired of moving. Currently he is doing graduate work, so he's gone from 5:30am to 6:30 pm, he will hve supper with us and then he's up to his office doing homework from then until 11pm most nights. It is hard. I mean, it's great he's not away in bahrain again but wow, for the work he has to do. and that makes him grumpy so he's not the fun guy he used to be.  He's got no patience for the kids so I am on pins and needles trying to just keep them in line.

It would be so nice to be able to stay in one place. Call somewhere "home" instead of just living in a house waiting for the next duty station.  You get what I mean?

11 times in 14 years.  Moves. 

There are more things but that is the jist of it. Not to mention I am very overweight (which makes me unhappy with ME) and I have had depression for years now and, I once thought I could get off the meds but it looks like I'm going to have to increase the dose again...

So there are my reasons.  Parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I sure hope that the kids turn out ok.  I am trying to do the right things for them.

And I didn't want to hijack Sarah's thread, so for that I'm sorry.

shamrockmommy

So there are my reasons.  Parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I sure hope that the kids turn out ok.  I am trying to do the right things for them.

You are doing GREAT with your kiddos, Shammy...please know that. You have a lot going on and I can already tell ya, you are far stronger than I!

Let us give you a lift up if you need it...we all here have been thru some downers and less than ideal situtations, and some of the crazier ones (like me for example ) are NOT afraid to bare it all to commiserate, either here or via PM...((hugs))

shamrockmommy

And I didn't want to hijack Sarah's thread, so for that I'm sorry

It's actually Lisa's thread.  :)  But I am sure she understands, and your input is valuable to this thread as a perspective of one SAHM.  People who are not SAHM don't necessarily have the same perspective as the ones that are.  I can honestly say that I think being a SAHM would be a much harder job than coming to work everyday for me and I know that is true for a lot of mom's out there.  When we have her for a week straight when we are on vacation, or sometimes even just after a weekend, I sometimes find myself so ready to go back to work and send her to school so we can have a break from each other.  It is healthy for us to have time apart and we both get the kind of interation we need outside of the home by doing that.

Devin is a very challenging kids as well and I pretty much knew I was in for it before we even got pregnant because my brother and I were both very challenging.  There is this book called Raising your Spirited Child, and anytime I start feeling tootally overwhelmed by her behavior and reactions, I read a little in it, and I can get my perspective right back into line.  I also find it very hard to get a lot of chores done when I have Devin because she is constantly helping me which makes things take twice as long. 

Anyway, I commend those who have it in them to be SAHM/D's.  It is a hard job that doesn't earn a paycheck, never gets a sick day, rarely gets a vacation, and unless you take it upon yourself to become involved in activities, can probably feel somewhat isolated at times as well. 

OK, back to regularly scheduled programming.  :)

Lisa, I second the housekeeper idea if it is in the budget.  That is my dream in the future.  :)  Then I could just keep up with the day to day and not have to worry about the big stuff weekly.

Whoops, apologies to Lisa :)

And thank you girls for the encouragement.  It definitely helps!

I was a SAHM but the late DH actually did most, if not all, of the cooking ... because he enjoyed it and was very good at it, unlike moi. Lisa, I think whoever said that you might not be getting enough sleep hit the nail on the head, and being exhausted makes you crabbier and more likely to stress over the small stuff.  Having said that, you shouldn't be expected to do it ALL. The at home parent should be able to take care of vacuuming and general picking up.  Lies is right though in saying men have different standards of *what's clean* and *what's not clean*. Men have a gene that keeps them from seeing dirty dishes in the sink, socks or wet towels on the floor etc. If the roof isn't leaking right over the chair they happen to be sitting in, everything is AOK. I think somewhere in the backs of their little minds they still have this crazy idea of that stuff being *women's work* and the fact that the woman may be working a full time job outside the home doesn't quite register with them. Most of them also don't think that taking care of small children all day is *work*.

Joyce