Stay at home moms opinion needed (mrstjohnson)

That's exactly what I worry about if I would have to go back to work full time. I know I would be in your shoes. DH would not be a good housekeeper. He does his own laundry, but I do all the rest (mine, kids', towels, sheets.) I load and usually unload the dishwasher, do all the shopping, cleaning, etc. I started working part time, and I still do all the housework. Usually when I get home at noon Willa is still in her PJs.

I guess I'm really no help! Maybe you could get a dry erase board or chalk board and write out the week's tasks/chores, and either split them up, assign certain ones to each of you, or just ask that X# be done daily? Sometimes you really need to spell it out with men.

mrstjohnson

Frankly, if the roles were reversed there is no way I would expect him to do everything I do when he got home from work.

Exactly!!

Samantha is in school now and I am just waiting for the new vet clinic to open up where I will be working but I am a SAHM. Have been for the past 5 years. Like you we can get by with just JJ working and me staying home. 

I wouldnt feel right if JJ came home and thought he had to cook, clean, do laundry, and any other household stuff. I try to even keep the yard up but he told me he likes mowing grass so I do leave that for him to do.

So nope dont think your expecting too much. Your expecting him to do what he should be doing since he is the one staying at home.

 So you get 5 hrs sleep every night?  That says a lot...

 I was a SAHM, and did not expect my DH to do household duties when he got home.  It was time for his hobbies or kid's activities.  Lawn care was done by whomever did it.  Gardens were mine.  Honestly, I had the more physical part... 

Yes, you have a right ask for more from him.....absolutely...take it from an old broad...lol!

Resentment is not a good thing.

Lisa, I will point out that I am not a stay at home mom, I have no children, but I did have a stay at home husband (who is partly disabled) when I was working full time.

So, first up, I understand a the resentment you feel about being the one that works and then comes home and has to do things that should and could have been done during the day.

Second, your not getting enough sleep. Your averaging about 5 hours? that is going to wear you down and make you more open to stress and frustration.

Third, there is no reason, no valid reason, why your husband should leave so much to you when you get home. He can do the dishes, cleaning, straightening, laundry and yard work. He has 8 hours. Even with a 3 year old to watch there is time for him to do chores.

I think it might be time for a sit down with him. Your not getting enough rest, you have stress, and you get very little time to spend with both HIM and Riley. I don't think he realizes that if he did most of the chores during the day, you would be be free to spend time together doing things as a family.

Best of luck.

I am hopeless at housework.  I do try.  But like now, I'm grabbing a few minutes online, not working! 

I suggest having a quick whizz round TOGETHER  at a set time of day/week. 

Also get a board to write the daily chores on and cross them off when they are done.  He can then SEE when you are crossing off more lines (even tho you are also working FT) without you having to bring it up and him get defensive.  Also YOU will be able to see when he has done chores,.... because the truth is, housework is one of those things that you only really notice if it HASN'T been done.

Which brings me to my next point... what do you do if he DOES do the dishwasher?  Or do you only notice it when it HASN'T been done?   You know what I'm driving at here

I have a routine now, that I put the kettle on in the morning and then I race to get the dishwasher emptied before it boils.  Don't laugh!  If I didn't do that,. the dishwasher would stay full of clean stuff, but this way I can load it throughout the day and switch it on at night before I go to bed. It's just a routine that works for me

I think you're absolutely right.  He should be doing more.

I've been a SAHM for almost 15 years now.  This is what DH does around the house:  Helps clean up the table and dishes after dinner, vacuums the house once a week and does the yard work (it's a small city-sized yard, so not a lot to deal with).  I do everything else -- all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, caring for the pets, laundry, take the vehicles for maintenance, etc., etc.  I also homeschool our youngest (sixth grade), which takes a bit of time.  If I didn't do that, I wouldn't expect DH to vacuum, and I'd probably do at least some of the yard work.

This works out well for us, since it seems that both of us have about the same amount of down time in the evenings and on weekends.

I am not a stay at home mom, however, my DH does not work, hasn't in a while due to some depression and health problems.  So, I work.  It sucks and I wish I could be at home all day while he works.  He is very understanding of my issues with him not working and he wishes he was working, but we have broken up the chores.  Right now I work from 7-3 (so I am out of the house from 6:30 until 3:30) and over the summer I was working 6-2 (so I was out of the house from 5:30 until 2:30...and coming home absolutely exhausted).  After work, I spend my time with the dogs and then Wednesdays Finn has training from 8:15-9:15. 

I typically do laundry on my days off just so I am not scrambling other days to get it done.  I am usually in bed around 9 or 10.  DH will make dinner every night and do the dishes.  He doesn't keep the kitchen as neat as I would like, but I don't have the time to deal with it anyway.  So, dinner is the biggest thing I think.  Having that done for you takes a huge weight off.  Also, if there is any house work that I want done, I will just leave him a note asking him to please do it.  The only things I don't ask him to do usually is the laundry (it would end up very wrinkled or some of my non-dryer items would end up in the dryer) and dusting, but things like vaccuuming or just cleaning up a room he doesn't think to do on his own.  So, usually if I leave him a note, it is done before I get home.  Try notes...maybe he just doesn't realize what needs done.

So yes, you're doing too much. But before you get grumpy (like I would :-p) maybe you should sit down with your husband and see how he's handling things? Does he have activities outside of the house? Is he maybe lonely? Maybe you can open the conversation by having a sympathetic ear for him to vent any issues he may be having. Then, you can share your side - make sure to frame it in such a way that he can feel like a good guy by stepping up the housework. (You don't want him to be grumbling, "Oh man, I have to do the dishes or else Lisa's going to be mad." He'll be much more likely to do a good job if he's thinking, "Oh, if I do these dishes, Lisa's going to feel so much better, and I love her so much, this is a way I can show her my love!" etc. etc.

Another thing you might consider, if you haven't done so already, is to hire a housekeeper. Once a week, or once every other week, can make a huuuuuge difference. It won't help for the little things like dishes, but for just feeling overall like you have a clean house, it can be tremendous. BF's parents have someone come clean every other week, since his mother is truly a terrible housekeeper, and even though they're not flush with cash they both agree it's worth every penny so they don't have to stress and squabble!

Thank you everyone for the replies.

Regarding the sleep, honestly, I am good with 5 hours.  I am an extremely heavy sleeper and even before I met my DH I usually only got 6 hours.  I am literally sleeping before my head hits the pillow.  I also sleep through the night.  I rarely if ever wake up in the middle in the middle of the night.  Even when I was pregnant I never woke up.  The only things that get me up are Charlie puking or Riley crying and I am embarrassed to say usually DH has to tell me if Riley's crying.

I like the idea of a board with a "what we need to do today"  Maybe I could have him make a cool chalkboard board thing that could be hung in the kitchen.  We have had this conversation before and his, I believe honest, response is I don't know what you need done.  This would definitely solve the issue.

Regarding the dishwasher, yes I praise when its done and don't say anything when its not.  Positive reinforcement.    I learned that one years ago.

To answer some other questions that came up.  DH loves staying home.  He loves being with Riley.  He has said in numerous conversations, because we do talk about stuff, that he wouldn't have it any other way.  He acknowledges that he wishes I could stay home but we both know that would be like wishing we won the lottery...it would be great, but won't happen.

In terms of his activities, he does run a small ebay based company (buying and selling) which does make enough to send us on vacation (Cancun and Palm Springs) each year.  He is also heavily involved in some other clubs, so its not like he is isolated in the house.  In fact he has two friends that are also stay at home dads, they run together on the weekend, etc. 

I guess I just wanted to make sure that my expectations aren't out of whack.  I am very much a Type A person, who can make dinner, sing songs with Riley and play fetch with Charlie all at the same time and he is more of a one task at a time guy so it does take him longer to do something. 

We have a white board in our kitchen that we all use if we need something done that day.  It works marvelously !!!

Deb W.

I'm not a SAHM but we split things up as well.  I do laundry, 99% of cooking, and most cleaning things like bathrooms and kitchen floor.  He does all the dishes, keeps things tidy since clutter bothers him way more than me, and outside stuff like the lawn.  It bothers me sometimes that things aren't done when I would do them, but eventually he does them.  Our biggest fight is over what to eat that day.  I don't mind cooking but *hate* thinking of what to make.  We tried planning out meals but that doesn't last long either. 

Not going to read anyone else's response til afterwards...BUT...

I am one LAZY cow Lisa, you know this. My cleaning is random at best...hit and miss, some weeks my dh has to pitch in. Right now I have a schedule of sorts with the T days of the week and me cleaning SOMETHING on those days. My kids are in school so things are a bit different but I typically reserve the mornings for my nonsense...coffee, FB, games...then on into afternoon I start picking up a bit here and there, maybe go to lunch with one of the kids, handle any appt's or phonecalls that need to be made...and then once the kids are home I do homework, then dishes if I can and vacuum and start dinner later....

But one thing he never EVER has to do....is do dinner. Dinner is MY responsibility. Either I cook, reheat, nuke, or somehow concoct something in the kitchen OR I order in OR I tell him to pick something up on the way home.

I cannot imagine him having to come home from work AND THEN COOK US DINNER....that is just wrong. Period.

YES my dh will do dishes a time or two in a month BUT he's known since we MET that dishes are my kryptonite and I HATE touching them...we made an arrangement year one of our living together "I cook, you clean up"...and that has lingered in some form or another.

Now he's going thru some stress at work and with his health right now so my housewifing has ramped up. Because I care about these things I do NOT want him to come home to a chaotic messy house or a mess in the kitchen. When you are stressed and walk into a mess it makes you MORE stressed, I do believe that...clean house, clean mind.

It might not always be like above...things could calm at work..his health issues may clear up but I would never require him to do dinner after work and I would always pitch in and tag team things around the house either during the week or weekends.

Honestly, I don't mind making dinner.  I love cooking and it helps me relax.  I HATE vaccumming and honestly if I ask him he will do it, but I hate asking.

I guess that's it, I don't want to be that NAG.  I don't want to be the one that nags the house is dirty, things aren't getting done.  I know being home doing the SAHM thing is harder for him since he is very much a guys guy and doesn't know about doing crafts, practicing for dance and having tea parties so he struggles.  He likes it but its more of a challenge for him.

I spoke to him about it this morning and we both agreed that a board would work out good.  He again said, I just don't know what needs to be done and since you (me) just do it I don't worry about it.  Hopefully that will help.  I also said that if he could walk Charlie for me when I get home that way I could get dinner going while they are out it will speed things up a little bit.  He was open to that, but we will see when the time happens. 

I definitely agree with clean house clean mind.  I just finished unburying our bedroom out this weekend and both of say home much more relaxing it is now so hopefully that will be a catalyst. 

mrstjohnson

I definitely agree with clean house clean mind.  I just finished unburying our bedroom out this weekend and both of say home much more relaxing it is now so hopefully that will be a catalyst. 

This past week I hit the house pretty hard, our bedroom...Lily's room (just walking in there is like walking into the mind of a 9 year old girl and it is SCARY!!), and the living room. I try to piecemeal it out and not get too "rote" with it because rote and I don't get along. In fact I have been known to trip rote as he walks down the street ...changing it up, randomizing is key for me to be successful with housework. It may mean that a certain room goes 2 weeks without straightening BUT I am very thorough that one time I hit it so the mess is STILL, less than it would be....

It'd depend on his mindset..some people like rote, routine...every Monday I....kind of stuff. Others need a list of "By weeks end this should be done" and they can pick to do the "hard things" first last or whatever.

I'm glad you guys are talking and tackling stuff. I imagine it is tough for a guy to stay home esp with a girl baby. D did it with Lily and he really enjoyed it (I worked nights so he'd have her in the evenings and on weekends)and he was mystified by some stuff she liked LOL! But BOY did they bond TIGHT with that arrangement and that is truly precious. Speaking as a girl who's papa was notably absent during her life.