What's her deal?! (BlackLabbie)

Steph, you and I have talked about "dysfunctional mothers" on the phone.  Sometimes I think mine lashes out when she feels "extraneous" -- i.e., not needed.  So she comes off all controlling. 

It IS **her** problem.  Remember me telling you how my took me aside on my wedding day and told me "Never have kids -- they are just a pain in the a$$ -- just DON"T have kids!"

I'm an ONLY CHILD -- and yes, she *was* serious.  Thank you SO much Mom!!

And the scarey thing is that families perpetuate this whole weirdo line of reasoning so by the time the rest of the family "agrees" or says nothing it makes you feel guilty by default.  Don't let it -- SHE is the one with the problem, and moving to NY is probably the BEST thing you'll ever do (aside from eloping!!)

miranadobe

It will be important to find and hold onto that solid foundation so that when you do call her (from far, far away in NY) you can brush off her comments because they A - don't reflect reality, and B - don't reflect where you find your self-worth.  Otherwise, those calls will become more and more rare, and you'll avoid her, and the only way she'll know how to get interactions with you will be in those negative ways of poking and picking.

I'm so afraid of this^. I think my life will be 1000x easier/more pleasent living away from her (as opposed to right now where I live down the street- eek!) that I'll eventually lose contact with her, which I really don't want. It might have to be limited, but I don't want it to end completely (sometimes I do though, lol). DH and I made sure we have 3 guestrooms in the new house for my family......if they ever come to visit. Seriously, they may not. My Moms bestfriend/cousin moved to NC with her DH (he was from there) and my Mom stopped talking to her and never visited even though her cousin always asked (and was sincere). Her cousin still always calls around the holidays and wants to come visit here but my Mom has never invited her.

calliecritturs

And the scarey thing is that families perpetuate this whole weirdo line of reasoning so by the time the rest of the family "agrees" or says nothing it makes you feel guilty by default. 

Yes! Nobody in my family says anything to her so she talks to everyone like garbage! I wish my Dad would, he says stuff to me like, "Aw, don't listen to her.." but I wish he'd step up someday!

calliecritturs

SHE is the one with the problem, and moving to NY is probably the BEST thing you'll ever do (aside from eloping!!)

I agree and can't wait!

Sometimes I think we put too much weight on our relationships with our moms. Like all moms and daughters should haver good, trusting and supportive relationships. That's just not reality! Sometimes moms can say and do the most hurtful things.

My mom is very much a dower like that. And for that reason I limit my exposure to her.

It sounds to me like this move will be good in more ways than just a free house.

BlackLabbie

but I wish he'd step up someday!

 That sucks, don't really know what else to say on that regard.

I get the impression that my mom doesn't like me, because to my face, she really acts like she doesn't like me. She's so backwards, because behind my back, I hear from other people that she speaks very highly of me, and she's very proud of me. I don't get that. She just loves to argue too, and I honestly would love to argue too. I love no more than to just scream at someone. So, recently, I've been working very hard on not arguing back at her. It seems to be driving her nuts, and it's even harder not to give in. I'd love to move away from her right now, but I can't afford it right now. I also actually don't want to move away from where I live. Either way, I do what feels right to me, and the hell with what she thinks I should do, or what she thinks of me.

DougB

Life's to short to be aggravated all the time.

I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother.  As of last night, I am "god's way of punishing" her. 

The statement above is how I finally decided to live.  I have very limited contact with her, & for the most part, I just try to ignore her behavior altogether.  Sometimes, I'm successful, & other times, I get sucked in & argue back.  I will say that I am much happier without having to deal with any of her comments, accusations, or regrets about having me.

griffinej5

I get the impression that my mom doesn't like me, because to my face, she really acts like she doesn't like me. She's so backwards, because behind my back, I hear from other people that she speaks very highly of me, and she's very proud of me. I don't get that.

^ ditto

For the record, it is most helpful to know that *good* mother/daughter relationships are rarer then most people think.

Hey Stephanie, do we have the same mother?  Seriously, my mother has done similar stuff.  I've learned the easiest way is to anticpate the remarks.  That way they don't hurt so much.

Steph, I was going to comment that you must have the same mother as Amanda does, and it seems like many others, too.

Moving further away will help.

I often wonder what my relationship with my mom would have been like.  She died when I was 13.  My brother was her favorite, so it probably would've sucked.  And I love my foster mom, but can only handle small doses.  She's not mean, but always full of advice and I'm not good with people telling me what to do all the time. 

I avoid telling my mom anything that she just refuses to try to understand--like my love for dogs or just animals in general.  Or, that I don't eat meat.  

My brother avoids her sometimes for days so he doesn't have to hear everything he's doing "wrong" in life. 

And, you aren't far from RI so you moving to NY in her mind you might as well be moving to California! 

Hope you can figure out some sort of way to deal with her though.  I never had a good relationship with my dad.  Then he developed cancer and I paniced and was so scared.  I never realized how much I did care even though for years I thought I didn't. 

Some people are just Negative Ninnies.  Some people can't even help themselves; they were just born with a negative bone.  Moving away will be the best medicine; a long distance relationship may just be the remedy.

sharismom

I often wonder what my relationship with my mom would have been like.  She died when I was 13.

I've wondered the exact same thing Tina. My mom died when I was 12. I was the baby and up until she died, I knew she adored me. I'm so glad that I have that memory to hold close to my heart.

I've read about the dynamics of mother-daughter relationships and I can see why they can be so complicated. I'm sorry to read so many posts about the hurt and anger though. I'm a huge believer in writing stuff out. Even if you never send it, it sometimes helps to get the feelings down on paper.

cakana

I've read about the dynamics of mother-daughter relationships and I can see why they can be so complicated. I'm sorry to read so many posts about the hurt and anger though. I'm a huge believer in writing stuff out. Even if you never send it, it sometimes helps to get the feelings down on paper.

I never had the courage to write this type of letter to my mom until I started working through the ACOA program.  Of course, I couldn't mail it because she's gone, but it even shocked me to re-read it and realize how much anger I had towards her.  It did help me understand myself a little better as well as help me let some of it go.

micksmom

Hey Stephanie, do we have the same mother?  Seriously, my mother has done similar stuff.  I've learned the easiest way is to anticpate the remarks.  That way they don't hurt so much.