What's her deal?! (BlackLabbie)

Weird. Moms are hard to 'raise' that's for sure!

I am happy for you!  I want a farm house!!

Sounds like she's upset you're moving away and she's manifesting her feelings that way.  It's not very nice, but I'd bet that's how she's feeling (like she's almost trying to convince you not to move).  You might want to just confront her about it.  I'm sorry she's acting like that! (((hugs)))

You know, at first I thought that too. But, to be very honest, I don't think my Mom has ever "liked" me. Like, we never did any of the mom/daughter things. We're not close- if I were ever to get pregnant she'd be one of the last to find out. She was a nightmare with wedding planning which is why DH and I eloped. We got into a fight (actually she fought I just listened/stood there because there's no reasoning with her) and she actually said she didn't like me! She said she wished she had 2 boys instead of a boy and girl, and I think she's being honest because she's always had *something* against me.

Wow, Steph, that's awful!  I don't know what to say other than...maybe it's a good thing you're moving away.

What a spoilsport.  She can't complain, somehow even *I* knew about this moving arrangement (you must have posted about it a while back?).  My mom is sort of the same, but not as bad.  She thinks everything I do is a waste of time and money, like photography, dogs, etc.  It gets old because I don't know why I can't do anything right according to her.  I got straight As at a top private school, I finished college, I have a career and secure job, I've always kept out of trouble, I never did drugs and had nice friends, bla bla bla, but somehow everything I like to do with my time and my money gets eye rolls.  I can't even come back at her with anything because she is so frugal and her main hobbies are blogging, reading, and genealogy which are all basically free.  I lose every time. *sigh*

Yeah, you should've seen her face when I was telling my family about Apollo dockdiving, the eyes were rollin! "How much did that cost? How long did it take to get there? How much money did you waste on more leashes and collars and stuff that he doesn't need?" I was so happy we finally did a sport that we both enjoyed and did well at and she killed it right there. Part of me didn't even want to tell her, but my Dad and brother would've and then she would've come at me w/ "Why didn't you tell me?". My Mom's hobbies are being a doormat for my brother, showering him w/ whatever he wants, and library books. So.....yeah, we have nothing in common. She thinks dog stuff is dumb- we always watch the Westminster Dog Show at my parents (my Dad loves it) and she''ll walk by and comment, "This stupid show- again!? Reeeeepeat!". Um, no, it's a new show every year. And she knew about this move for about a year now, so, it's not new news to her.

Wow, I'm really sorry she's like that. I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my temper along the way and let her know how I was feeling. I do remember the drama she was stirring up with the wedding planning. I don't have any advice on the relationship other than to know in your heart that it's not your fault and you're an awesome wife, daughter, dog mom and will someday be a great mom to your children. (((HUGS)))

I'm no psychologist, but it sounds an awful lot like she just doesn't relate to you... and for that reason, since she can't relate, then *you* are the one who "isn't right", whereas everything viewed from her own perspective is "right".  Partly why she asks if you're depressed about your DH "making" you move away??  Is it possible she sees herself as a victim in this, and wonders if you feel victimized by it, too??  (ie, looking for some common ground between the two of you.)  It's also part of why she "finds faults" with anything you do, because she is oddly creating a division between the two of you (YOU are the "wrong" one, she is the "right" one, which bends with her aggressive tone/approach), because it's easier to think you're both SOOO different, rather than look at how the relationship could be built differently.

Maybe she always really WANTED a super close mother/daughter relationship...if she didn't have one w/her mom it sets up a huge desire to create one w/you... and if she doesn't relate to you, she's doubly "disappointed".  Explains why it would be "easier" in her mind to have two boys so she wouldn't have expected to have this best friend/mother-daughter relationship.  PS, if she didn't have a good relationship w/her mom, then she has no model.  If she DID have a close relationship w/her mom, then I wonder if they're very similar women. 

Again, I'm just throwing out ideas/alternative perspectives.  She may/may not be able to acknowledge these things about herself, but if you think you recognize it, you can more clearly see that it's HER issue, not yours. HER disappointments, not yours.  But, also, a good warning if you ever thought you might want children and hoped to create a close mother/daughter relationship of your own.  You have lived how easily that can go awry w/out the skills and healthy perspectives to help it happen.

((hugs)) - it definitely sounds like her issue, (and yours is the classic one where mom's disapproval haunts you even when you feel like you don't need her approval.)  More hugs.  Breathing and a good stiff drink can help. :)

miranadobe

If she DID have a close relationship w/her mom, then I wonder if they're very similar women.

They're so close and so much alike they can't stand each other! During Memorial Day weekend my parents had a cookout and all my Mom and Grandma did was nit pick each other until it blew up into a huge fight with BOTH of them crying! I just took the dogs and my DH and went hiking, came home and ordered a pizza. That weekend my Gram commented about how I dress like a boy (I really don't, but I don't wear dresses or anything lacy or pink) and my Mom totally agreed with her...they proceeded to have a 1hour conversation about how I dress like a boy, how men don't like women that workout (they like a cushy, soft women), and how my dogs aren't my kids. I was ready to burst, but luckily they turned on each other which gave me an out.

She reminds me of many people who are basically unhappy.  They rarely have anything positive to say and they often thrive on causing discord.  There isn't much you can do except try not to take it personal.  It took me many years to learn not to let my mother hurt me.  At the end of her life, things changed and we did have a decent relationship.  I've always thought it was too bad that it took a terminal diagnosis to allow us to become friends. 

BlackLabbie

miranadobe

If she DID have a close relationship w/her mom, then I wonder if they're very similar women.

They're so close and so much alike they can't stand each other! During Memorial Day weekend my parents had a cookout and all my Mom and Grandma did was nit pick each other until it blew up into a huge fight with BOTH of them crying!

Awesome, you have a perfect explanation.... all she knows is dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships that involve a helluvalotta nit-picking.  She's modeling the same relationship onto you.  How "nice" of her...

She's doing the nit-picking/criticising things her mom did right onto you.  I wonder if she ever felt good enough in her mom's eyes.  She may have seen it as her mother's way of trying to guide her into being a better person (rather than reality that can be diminishing self-esteem)... and that may be why she does it to you.  Again, people only do what they know, and if they don't seek out alternatives from what they learned from parents, they perpetuate it.

miranadobe

BlackLabbie

miranadobe

If she DID have a close relationship w/her mom, then I wonder if they're very similar women.

They're so close and so much alike they can't stand each other! During Memorial Day weekend my parents had a cookout and all my Mom and Grandma did was nit pick each other until it blew up into a huge fight with BOTH of them crying!

Awesome, you have a perfect explanation.... all she knows is dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships that involve a helluvalotta nit-picking.  She's modeling the same relationship onto you.  How "nice" of her...

She's doing the nit-picking/criticising things her mom did right onto you.  I wonder if she ever felt good enough in her mom's eyes.  She may have seen it as her mother's way of trying to guide her into being a better person (rather than reality that can be diminishing self-esteem)... and that may be why she does it to you.  Again, people only do what they know, and if they don't seek out alternatives from what they learned from parents, they perpetuate it.

My Mom probably has never felt good enough in her Moms eyes. It really seems that way when I step back and look at how they've always acted towards each other. Example, my Mom buys a new shirt, she literally runs to the phone to tell my Gram who will basically ask how much it was and "what? you didn't like any of the clothes you have?" My Mom does seem to always be seeking my Grams approval.

 You don't stay there and take it , do you.  That rewards her behavior.

If she bad mouths you, leave.  Don't argue, don't explain.  Get up and leave.

Don't introduce any topic she has jabbed at in the past.  Limit contact.   Life's to short to be aggravated all the time.  If you are happy with the way your life is going, don't let anybody rain on your parade.  Just enjoy.

BlackLabbie

My Mom does seem to always be seeking my Grams approval.

Then you're wise to find a way to manage her comments so that you don't perpetuate what she's trying to perpetuate onto you (from her own mom).  And, it seems like having some physical distance will do you some good, to establish/recognize the sources that you'd rather measure your self-worth against (rather than someone who will always see the faults, and will always pick you apart.) 

It will be important to find and hold onto that solid foundation so that when you do call her (from far, far away in NY) you can brush off her comments because they A - don't reflect reality, and B - don't reflect where you find your self-worth.  Otherwise, those calls will become more and more rare, and you'll avoid her, and the only way she'll know how to get interactions with you will be in those negative ways of poking and picking.  You are doing yourself a favor by recognizing it and investing in yourself to find a new way to relate to her.  (Books, whatever. - I don't know if Children of the Self-Absorbed is applicable here, but I know someone w/a relationship sort of like you/your mom's who recommends it. ??)