Homemaker or Working Woman...just some thoughts

There's a lot going on there.  First, sometimes staying at home with young kinds is cheaper than working, depending on your options.  not to mention spending time with your family.  So although it wouldn't be for everyone, it's not like it's "costing" you a salary and you get to sit around all day.

I don't think it would bother me either way, and I would do what was best for me and my family, at that time.  Day care is crazy expensive, the place DH works at offers a "discount" at an affiliated day care but their regular cost, for an infant, is $18,000/year.  Even with his discount we couldn't afford it.  Now, that's not typical for this area, but still.

I actually think women who stay home, sometimes have as much or more "power" -- depends on how you look at it.  They take care of nearly everything at home, and are more often in-tune with things.

Anyway, it's an interesting topic that I don't have any experience with either way, but it's not nearly as cut and dry as your posts.  I'm sure others would chime in who have experiences with it.

IrishSetterGrl

Mainly because I want to bring in some of my own money (I feel like using my husband's only would feel like an allowance), have a sense of independence, do something I love, and because college isn't cheap or easy and I'm not going to waste all the time/money I'm investing in college.

I guess, I feel like if I were to become a stay at home mom, my husband would inevitably hold more "power" in the household, and I want the relationship to be equal.

So you might be surprised to know that many women, working or stay at home, control the money and it is not uncommon for the wife to issue the allowance to the hubby. LOL! Honestly, how relationships work is between the couple. I had a very successful and rewarding career for 10 years before I became a stay at home mom. My husband and I both wanted me at home to raise the kids, so that's what I did. There was never a power shift. I had as much say in any decisions as I had before.

IrishSetterGrl

Can a stay at home mom have the same sense of independence as a working mom?

What do you mean by independence? Financially? Ability to make your own decisions?  Control?  

IrishSetterGrl

Why do you think some women prefer being homemakers while others want to work? (

It's what ever gives you the most satisfaction. I found it much more rewarding raising my children than I did working. The only thing I found hard was giving up the social aspect of my job.

IrishSetterGrl

Do you think, in today's society, that women are expected to do it all? Meaning, they are expected to: work, be a perfect mom, look good 24/7, be a "good wife", etc?

I think women put a lot more expectations on themselves than society does. You can't do it all - not perfectly. So do what you feel is important and do it the best you can. 

 I stayed at home to raise my kids...it was what both of us wanted at the time.  Yes, we were strapped a bit financially as compared to a working couple.  But the kids reaped the benefits of having a parent involved in their lives at all times.  I would get bothered by a working Mom asking me what I did all day...I worked longer hours than my husband did!  And he got to relax when he got home!

When the kids left home, I went to work...not a career type job, but I loved being out and about for a change...and being able to buy a few things for the house at my own discretion.  

I don't regret a thing, and yes, I am a college grad.  I do know DH would have liked for me to go to work sooner, but I know he didn't think about the fact that he would have to pitch in at home.  Yep, he got spoiled...  :)

It's no small job to run and organize a home and family, and do it well!

 I have no kids, but when BF and I were together, I didn't work. We also had three dogs and two cats. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, yard work, dog training, etc... You name it I did it. For him and I at that time, me working full time, wasn't a priority. Doing everything else was. I payed the bills too. Both of us had an allowance too.

 A view from the other side of the fence:  No wife of mine will ever not work!  Unless she wants to stay home.   Either way can be fulfilling and difficult.  Chances are, over a lifetime, you will be in both positions, as will your spouse. Two incomes gives a family more security and more money to do things.  Because my wife has a full time job, I was able to go back to school, get more training, and work at a job I enjoy, without worrying about  the mortgage.  She decided to stay home when we were raising kids.  And now , because we both work, we get to feather our nest and spoil the grandkids (I thought about uploading about 100 picts of the worlds cutest kids here).

My wife has always maintained her own credit card, personal bank account, and had her own car. That gives her freedom and security. Every woman should have her own money.  As regards an education, no money spent on education is wasted.  It makes people more interesting, as well as more capable.  It opens up the world. In a long term marriage," power " is not really about money, and "power" will shift back and forth depending on the situations encountered.  I find my power peaks when crawling under a car or mowing grass is involved.

When you are married, the idea of the money being his or hers  based on who earned it is counter productive.  It is the families , and it tends to get spent so fast  on living that the big question is how do we get more, not who's is it. If there are children involved, the stay at home partner is not getting an allowance, but is actually severely underpaid. I don't think there is a pay scale that covers diapers, 3AM feedings, or caring for a spouse sick with something contagious while being sick with the same thing.

I have done both...and once you are married, provided you marry the right person...you will find that being married is less about what is yours, or what is his...or what is shared, or how you feel when you accept things or give, from the other...EVERYTHING changes with the right person. Add kids into the mix and things change once again. Compromise, complete 180's of what you thought you'd want or would be in life...happen as life happens.

I know what is right for my household. For me there is nothing better than being home with my children because they unlike any people I EVER worked with or for...APPRECIATE what I do, and that I am there. It feels "right" even when it is hard difficult or plain ole "suck tastic". Heck I know people who work to get AWAY from parenting their kids...parenting is THAT hard a job...LOL. Little humor there

I appreciate my husband's working as hard as he does to give us the things that we have, and that we desire to have...and I appreciate that he will always take time away from that, when he needs to, for his kids or myself. He felt the same when I worked back when Lily then Eli were born.

But he is not who and what he is...all on his own. I am part of him...and he is part of me, and none of us can take credit OR blame, for anything that has come to us, until BOTH of us do. I don't need to feel less because of it...nor does he need to feel more.

There is so much that I owe him, and so much that he owes me, that no one...owes anyone anything. There is no account or bill or list of who has done or will do, more because neither of us have ever done less than what was required to make our lives the exact reality we both want it to be.

Our little world spins, because we both are in it doing our best...whatever that needs to be at that time.

 JJ wanted me to stay at home with Samantha. He didnt demand it. He just said he would like it if I stayed home with Samantha at least till she was old enough to talk so if she went to daycare or a babysitter she could tell us if things were good or bad. So I did. Plus at that time I didnt want to work anyways with just graduating high school the year before and having money from a car wreck in the bank. It was great the first 2 years but once Samantha didnt need me so much I wanted to go back to work. Only problem is no one is hiring full time or if they are it's hours I cant work because of Samantha. So I've been working as a temp at Amazon when they need me since 2004. Luckily we are fine on JJ's income alone.

I am working at Amazon right now 40-50 hours a week. I cant get anything done at home! It's driving me insane. But with Samantha's 5th bday coming up, her starting school this year, and plans for a Vizsla next year is the only reason I took this schedule. Usually I just work weekends so these 40-50 hours are kicking my butt!

 A few comments...

... I wear the pants in our relationship, always have and always will.  It has nothing to do with who is working where or doing what.  I'm a control freak, DH is laid back and noncommittal to a fault.  I am organized, analytical, good with money....DH is messy, forgetful, can hardly keep a bi-weekly budget.  Our relationship is fair without being equal.  It was the same when I was off work for three months that it is when he was off work for a semester.

... I'm seeing a lot more stay at home dads.  I think for a lot of people it has nothing to do with feminism or perceived "power", it's just an economic decision.  Whoever makes more money or gets better benefits works.

Liesje

Our relationship is fair without being equal. 

I think this is admirable...and much more realistic than any explanation of "equal" I have heard in regards to relationships. Your own strengths and those of your partner as well as your weaknesses are always going to play into how the home is structured and run. Some people end up with people much like themselves when they marry, and others with opposites...and it works both ways as much as it doesn't LOL.

Liesje

it's just an economic decision.  Whoever makes more money or gets better benefits works.

Also agreed. Especially now. The SAHD thing is also something I have noticed...esp being around the school as much as I am. .

I'd have to sit and think on the pants thing...but I would say most decisions are mutual...if not 100% then they've at least been discussed in a really in depth mutual manner. We just won't agree on some thing but there's usually a middle ground if we both try a bit. Neither of us lead naturally but both of us have extremely heavy dose of common sense and natural, innate caution...so it usually works out fine. LOL.

I think the reason I make most of the decisions is that DH is not a detail person and so far has been happy with the decisions I've made.  He couldn't care less how the house is decorated, or where we go on vacation, stuff like that.  He knows I like decorating the house, so it makes him happier that I have something which makes me happy than if he were to do it.  He doesn't think things through as thoroughly as me.  I basically picked the house we live in now and the apartment before that.  I've tried having longer conversations about a house to buy but he always says "You make a list of the ones you like and then I'll help pick".  Sometimes it even bothers me that he doesn't care.  I learned very quickly that things just work better if I take him for his word and make the decision for us, rather than wait around for him to notice that I want more input.  Doing the housework is the same way.  He would prefer I give him a list of specific tasks than for me to wait for him to notice how much work I'm doing and chip in.  It's not that he's lazy or a slob, his mind just works differently I guess!

IrishSetterGrl

I guess, I feel like if I were to become a stay at home mom, my husband would inevitably hold more "power" in the household, and I want the relationship to be equal. Now, my mom and dad have always both worked, as have all my aunts and uncles, so I think that also turns me off from being a homemaker. I don't think I could marry a man that wanted me to stay home with the kids.

Therein, I believe, is the key to your question -- not only that both working is the "norm" or custom in your family sphere, but even that the idea of "power" in the household is likely an issue because you've either heard it at home or similar in the media. 

If you are in ANY relationship where the other person tries to control you or holds "power" over you that's a big huge red flag TO GET OUT.  It's not healthy.  In a healthy relationship it's not usually about one person TELLING the other to work or not work, nor one person saying "I'm GOING TO ...." do whatever.  Ideally you arrive at decisions based on what works for the two of you and what your needs are currently. 

Like the cost of day care -- it's just plain freaking prohibitive for a lot fo people (hence a lot of people beginning to try to work from home in an effort to work around that). 

But any relationship between spouses largely works because you gravitate to doing what works and what you're both good at.  My husband does the hardeware, I do the software usually.  Between the two of us we have like ... shoot -- 6 computers and a TV that we NEVER turn on.  It's just how WE function.  That's what makes a relationship -- that give and take and play between you ... it's no so much something you "plan"

When I was young and just starting my career, I never considered being a SAHM.  Not because of any notion of holding on to my independence, or having to maintain some semblance of power in a relationship (why would I ever want in a relationship like that to begin with???).  Mostly it was because I never even thought about being a mom.

But then eventually (quite a few years later) I met the right man, and what was "mine" and "his" became "ours".  And we decided to have a baby, but to wait until we were financially stable.  And as we were awaiting the arrival of the little bundle of joy, we talked for months about what the best situation would be for all three of us.  And when we decided it would be best if I were a SAHM, and that we could do it w/o much of a financial strain, I dropped my job without a moment's hesitation and have never looked back.  Notice that I said "we" decided and that we took into account what would be best for all three (eventually four) of us.  It was never about what would be best only for me, or what would be best only for DH, but what would be best for our family as a whole.  'Cause that's the way things should work in a family.

I'm fine with SAHMs or SAHDs (yes, there are lots of stay-at-home-dads nowadays!).  I'm fine with parents who both continue with their jobs.  Whatever works for a family.  As long as it's about what's best for the entire family, and not just one person.

As far as what's expected of women nowadays --  I think if any expectations actually exist, they're mostly put there by other women.  I'm sure some women can actually manage to do it all.  But I have my doubts as to how happy they are.

I've found that roles within a relationship shift and change and shift back. lol  Life is fluid and what you find unappealing now may be very attractive to you at some future time.  I like to work and I'm also very much a homebody nester type.  I think lots of women feel the same.  We never had kids but I'm pretty sure we would have shared those duties, for the most part.  Maybe not in conventional ways but each couple has to decide what works for them. 

Well, I am a working Mom and DH is a stay at home dad.  When the time came to have kids it made no financial sense for him to work and me stay home as my salary was 5x his.  Long time ago we made the decision that if we were to have kids one of us would stay home.  My mom stayed home and we both agreed this was the utmost important thing we could do for our family.

I control the money in the sense that I pay 99% of the bills.  We both get an allowance so its not like I have free reign to spend whatever I want. Honestly, DH probably has more spending money than I do because he's a better saver...thus in control of the savings account.

Now, if I had a choice, I would not work and I would stay home.  However, things didn't work out that way.  We make it work and so far so good.  I work 6 am to 3 pm, so I am only away from Riley during waking hours about 5 hours a day (she doesn't wake up until 8 and goes down for her nap at 1).  On most days I am home before she wakes up in the afternoon. 

Everything is about compromises.  I was adamant that I would never work, no matter what.  Then reality comes into play and you work with it.  It's not the end of the world because the end goal is still being achieved, Riley has a stay at home parent.  That is what is important.