Homemaker or Working Woman...just some thoughts

My thoughts are coming from how I was raised, and how I've seen others raised. I agree with Mrstjohnson, I think there should be some stay at home parent, at least until the child is 5 and is starting school and getting out of the house.

In my family, my mother is more educated than my father -- which is, I think, unusual? My mother did not stay home with be, but quit working after my brother was born, for at least the next 2 years. I vaguely remember that I was in preschool. I do remember arguing with my mother later in life that she used to watch Guiding Light. She never did, but my nanny did, and that's who I remember as far as raising me goes. For me, ultimately, I think it worked out because I escaped a lot of my parents' bigotry. My brother did not. But I do feel like I missed out on having a family. For my parents, making money was always more important than raising children or having a family. Though I know it's not always the case with working parents.

I have a friend who's mother decided to stay at home when she got married, in part because she got married when her husband was going through chemo, but it was just the life she wanted to lead. Don't let any feminist tell you that stay-at-home moms are less than working women. The whole feminist movement is about CHOICE. If that's what you choose to do, then do it. If that's not what works out for you, that's fine too.

As many people have said before about themselves, my mother pays the taxes. She's the one who transfers money into my dad's account. She's the one who balances the check books. My mom's a business major, my dad's an engineer... it's just one of those things she's much better at than he is.

I do know another family who, as far as I know, have always both worked. They're school teachers, and they have two children. But they do things with their children, for their children. They don't keep secrets the way my family does, every bit of family business is just that, family business. And as far as who has more "power" in the relationship? Probably her... because he's kind of scatter-brained and hyper. But in their family you can tell that they all love and support each other, and it's amazing to watch them interact.

JMHO, but marriage SHOULD be a partership.  And as with all partnerships, the partners strengths and weaknesses sway the balance of "power", but it isn't a contest, at least not in my marriage.

I strongly believe that a woman can HAVE IT ALL.  But not all at the same time.  I'm sorry, but ONE parent needs to be a major part of the childs life.  Yes, we both worked because we both had to, but every second not at work belonged to family.  That's rough, never having alone time with your partner.  Children, IMHO shouldn't have to raise themselves or be raised by babysitters.  Kids neeed parenting and that's just not something you can phone in.

IF someone want to do it all, they pay a horrible price to do so.....unless they just let the kids fall through the cracks.

OK, putting my flame retardant suit on now.....

I was a stay-at-home mom, but I handled the money, kept the checkbooks in order, made sure the bills were paid on time and never felt like I was getting an allowance. If I wanted something I bought it and I always, from day #1, had my own credit in my own name.  The only joint credit we had were things like the mortgage and the car. Between the two of us, my credit score was always much higher, which I always thought was kind of funny. Day care is crazy expensive, so unless you both have very high salaries, it really doesn't make a lot of sense to pay someone else to raise your kids.  When DS #2 was in first grade, the mom of one of his classmates told me it didn't pay her at all to work during the summer because full time day care (as opposed to just before and after school) and the things he wanted to participate in like swimming or city league basketball ate up every penny she earned.  Just something to think about.

Joyce

Every family is different and every working /SAHM/D situation can be totally different.

As far as "power" in a relationship- I've been married to the same guy since I was 18 and there has never been a "power" issue.  If he earns money it's "ours." If I earn money it's "ours."    I worked up until we had kids .For us, my workign would barely cover the cost of daycare, and, two, I did/do not want someone else raising my kids. 

I plan to be a sahm for several years yet.  I did not go to college, I do have a trade- grooming, but it is hard work (as in, on your body), and I am not sure that I want to go back into grooming.

I do miss the social aspect of it, talkign with people, working with dogs, making them purdy, but I also get to volunteer at the kids' schools, be there for them when school is out, etc.

It's HARD work being a parent, holy crap is it ever!  And after this year of dh being deployed (only 34 more days till he's home!!!!) I have sure learned a lot about being a parent. Plus I had to do everything- all the mom jobs and the dad jobs and I also managed to get the house sold (close on the 4th May), so I definitely earned my "allowance."  DH gives me an allotment of enough money to cover food, pet care (biggie here! :) ) clothing, gas, fun stuff.   He says I'm grossly underpaid LOL.

So anyway, do I feel a loss of power or demeaned in some way?  nope.  But we have always seen each others as equals and been an awesome "team" since we first met, and when you have a marriage like that, it's awesome !

I have to agree that staying home and raising kids is HARD work.  I always objected to the term working mom because it implied that the sahm didn't do a blasted thing all day.

 Well, for what it's worth, my parents were divorced when I was 6, so my mother staying at home was just not an option. I had a nanny that would take me to/from school, watch me for a few hours when I got home, etc. But I never felt like I wasn't parented, or "raised by babysitters." My mother was very, very, very involved with all aspects of my childhood. When I was older, I found a thick binder she had written with instructions, guidelines, and suggestions for potential nannies. Everything from how to discipline to how to encourage to what I should eat for snacks. (Yeah, glad I wasn't interviewing for THAT job! )

I don't think someone needs to be at home 24/7 in order to be an effective/involved parent.

I think the most important factor is *why* the parent(s) are working, or at home. And what they choose to do when they are at home. I've seen at least as many bad stay-at-home parents as I have bad working parents. I think it's a case of quality over quantity!

I know of a couple people who quit jobs they were quite happy with so they could stay home and spend more time with their young kids. Everyone was extremely happy with that decision; the mothers spent their time "at home" by leading local children's get-togethers, going to museums, teaching/taking foreign language classes for kids, etc. They did tons of neat things with their kids that were really only possible because they were "stay at home" parents who didn't have to squeeze activities around a 9-to-5 work schedule. Now that the kids are in elementary school, these mothers are going back to work, because they enjoy(ed) their jobs. I also know a couple of people who are quitting jobs they are not happy with because they recently had kids and feel they "should" stay home. But they're not really excited about it. And I think that just kind of sends the message, "Well, I have nothing better to do, so I might as well stay home with you kids." Yuck!! If you're not looking at staying home with the kiddos as an exciting new career opportunity, you shouldn't do it!

While it is definitely important to be actively involved in your kids' lives and development, I think it is also important for kids to grow up seeing their parents be happy and fulfilled in parts of their lives other than childrearing. So if both parents have careers that they enjoy and are truly passionate about, and are willing to put in the extra work to make sure their kids still take priority, I don't think it makes them any worse parents than a couple that decided one person should stay home. And I definitely think it makes them better role models than parents who aren't passionate about staying home OR working!

I work outside the home and always have but have been fortunate to hold a position with a lot of flexiablity so for me, meetings for the kids, games, parties, activities I was always there.  I could work from home when they were sick or had time off school - the summers they went to day camp which they loved.  I raised two very well adjusted adults working outside the home and they will tell you they never felt they were missing out.

HOWEVER, I always wanted to be a SAHM and refered to myself as a working mom in a stay at home body.  For my youngest Cody, I work from home giving me even more flexability - he has no idea I work persay.  I am here in the mornings, drive him to school, pick him up and do all his activities it is hectic but it works.

My DH never touches the checkbook or bank account and has no desire to either.  We both share shopping, and running Cody to and from his evening activities and I am fortunate enough to have help with cleaning.  It is a shared family life and we enjoy it very much but without my income which is substancially more than DHs we could not survive so our decisions are based around money, owning a home and being able do for our son the things we find important.  We send Cody to private school, higher tutors if necessary and currently we are saving for our son's highschool education and college.  Highschool alone will cost us around 20K per year - no small bunch of pennies but something we feel very strongly in doing for him. We do what we need to in hopes we provide our son with every opportunity to live his dreams some day while establishing a stable and healthy home life - it works.

You have to remember too that for an awful lot of people, living on one income just isn't an option.  That one income would have to be enough to cover bills, groceries, gas, emergencies etc. and that was easier 30 some years ago than it is today. If you prefer to stay at home and are able to do it, go for it.  If you need (or prefer) to work, that's OK too. It's whatever works out best for you in your particular situation.

Joyce

DH and I have discussed staying home or both of us working once we decide to have kids... and honestly, as much as daycare and other stuff costs, we just couldn't get by with only one salary as it stands now.  We need at least 50% of my salary for the bare bones basics, and babies just cost too much!  Granted, the other half is then lost to daycare, but it might be a necessary evil.  But that's a choice we will have to figure out when the time comes.  Perhaps by then, with my Master's I can get a much higher paying job and he can stay home.  Of course, we'd all be dead in a week since the boy can't boil water let alone cook but that's another thread.... LOL.

You'd be suprised what men are capable of really. My dh is no cook by ANY stretch (his specialty in college was cheese wrapped ding dongs for heavens sake!) but when the kids came, he just figured things out, he made bottles, he made snacks later on...now he can even do a dinner for them if I am ill, usually grilled cheese or something from a box but it's not like the kids care!

Men will always find ways to amaze you, and sometimes even in GOOD ways! lol.

LOL I know he plays cooking-illiterate because then I'll cook, but this weekend he claimed he " didn't know how" to make a pizza -- from one of those pouches of dough, that you add water to, and then put sauce and cheese on.  c'mon, dude!   

mmmm grilled cheese.... yummy :)

OK, I should qualify my statement I guess.  IF the parents are involved and I mean ubber involved in the lives of the children, fine.  Even when my sons were young I saw far too many kids who's parents just couldn't be bothered, who thot the job was far more important, and who didn't spend more than an hour a day with their children, if that.

I think one of the saddest things I see in this nation are children who were raised with very little parental involvement growing up and not knowing how to parent when they have kids.  Many of the "woes" of our world go back to uninvolved, uncaring parents.

I intended, also, to say that parental involvement is important. But for me, I know involvement was sacrificed for advancement in their jobs. I don't remember this, but apparently when I was young (2 or 3, maybe) my Dad worked in Charlotte, which was a 2 hour commute (round trip) from where we lived. One night after he got home my mom told him to go talk to me, which he didn't want to do because I was already asleep. But I'd told my mom to have him wake me up because "I just wanted to see him." That's not involvement, though he did change his job/work schedule because of that, and most days now he's still not home before 6, sometimes 7 pm.

glenmar

IF the parents are involved and I mean ubber involved in the lives of the children, fine.  Even when my sons were young I saw far too many kids who's parents just couldn't be bothered, who thot the job was far more important, and who didn't spend more than an hour a day with their children, if that.

It's go to be so hard. I mean my husband gets home at 5:30pm and the kids go to bed at 8-8:30...that is NOT a lot of time during the week with him. You are TIRED when you come home from work and I cannot imagine him and myself both coming home and in that 3-4 hour span having a meaningful dinner, doing homework (esp with Eli's ADHD!) and managing some family time and NOT feeling like I've been beaten with a stick.

And I know his come home time is earlier than some folks who do 9-5 owing to a short commute. Some days he is BUSHED and I can see it, but the kids still want him, want his attention and whatnot...but at that point they are fed, homework is done and he doesn't have to worry about that stuff on his end.

Sure you have the weekend but then those end up totally crammed...it must be very difficult to do and I am glad that knock on wood...we haven't had to go that route. EVEN when I worked I always worked NIGHTS...so I was home days. The people that do it...I admire their fortitude of a certainty. I know a lot of Lily's friends don't even get HOME (from daycare) until 6-7pm!!