Worst Parent Ever-update page 2

The short answer to your last question is Yes. But only if you don't seek out the help you need now. Many others here will have much more advice for you, but what I want to say is that Every Child has Great Potential. You just need to find the right way to access it. I don't even know who you need to contact about this. It would seem to me that his teachers and the principal would be a good place to start. I know that here, you would start there, as well as with the daycare, since they have lists of contacts. I think that you also need to take care of yourself. You NEED some time to yourself. Do you have a few girlfriends that could take you out? Let you relax a bit? Go for a massage? Get a pedicure? Heck, just do something you enjoy, while someone else watches your kids? Your Mom and your MIL can criticize till they're blue in the face, but unless they are part of the solution, they're part of the problem. It takes a village they say. No one parent was ever made to raise a child all alone. For now, I would send an extra pair of pants with him to school. Reward him for bringing them home dry as well as the ones he wore there. Make no issue if they are wet. Accidents happen. If he's having accidents because of stress over his father being deployed, getting mad at him will only add to the stress. Does he get to talk to his dad? Can he send him letters? or pictures? Can you make a calendar to count down the days till he comes home again? I've never had a person close to me deployed, so I've got no idea how anyone copes with such a thing. I know lots of people who's partners are out west working on the rigs, but at least they're safe...it must be so tough. You have my thoughts and prayers. ETA: Stupid Chrome doesn't show paragraphs....sorry this is a total runon.

Shammy, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. Again, I'm sure you are not a bad mom. You are in a difficult situation and I'm sure you are doing the best you can.

Do you have family counseling available through the military? You could also check into what type of counseling services are available for your boys through the school district. My parents got divorced when I was five (not the same situation, but still, one parent is absent...) and I was very angry and to this day, I have a short temper. I would never, ever, tell my mom this, but I wish I would have learned to deal with it as a child.

I would also have a good talk with his pediatrician - s/he may be able to make recommendations.

((Big Hugs))

Oooh, I thought of something else - is he a young five? My older sister started kindergarden at 'almost 5' because her birthday was only a month or so away from the cutoff, and she really didn't do well - she was just not mature enough.

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Referring to your short list of problems above -- I'm going to ask a few other questions:

1.  Is he thirsty ALL the time -- sorta gotta have a cup in his hand most of the time or he's unhappy?

2.  This sounds weird -- but can I ask if you'd describe him as a "bull in a china shop"???  sort of inappropriately touching, pushing, VERY physical but at other times "don't touch me"??

There is a particular thing -- it's not really, but is considered part of the autism spectrum, that has to do with spatial stuff.  I have a friend who is a pre-school teacher who caught one of these kids on her radar. 

The basic problem has to do with almost an inner-ear type imbalance --- which doesn't "show" AT ALL -- other than in some bizarre behavior stuff (particularly in inter-personal relationships). 

But once it got diagnosed man -- what a difference it made in this child (and his family)

I can get info from my friend if you want -- this is 3rd hand, but it might be worth investigating because stuff like this goes un-caught ALL the time.

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You are not a bad mom.  Just a thought, if he is having lots of accidents, did you rule out a medical reason for it? Always, always, always, before anyone deems it a behavior issue, make sure there isn't a medical reason this is happening.  For timers though, there are vibrating timers that you could clip on his waist. Nobody would hear it, and it wouldn't disrupt others. The Motivaider is $50, but I use a triple bell timer for some things where I do not want the beeping, and it costs about $15. I have 4 of these. You can set it for beeping, a flashing light, vibrating, or any combination of those three. You can set hours/minutes, or minutes/seconds. It's not quite as fancy as the motivaider, but I like it, and I like that I can switch them between those functions, because sometimes I want one thing instead of another. Can you tell that I have used lots of varieties of timers?

Another thing we actually are dealing with with the school of a child I work with... knowing that the behavior is happening is fairly useless. The school writes notes home like, "He hit the teacher today, he hit the aide today."  That doesn't tell us what he needs to learn in order to stop that from happening. For example, every weeknight at about 7:25, this boy hits himself in the leg. Earlier this evening, the little girl I work with hit a contractor who was in the house giving an estimate for some work. Can anyone, based on just that alone, tell me what I should do to keep these kids from hitting in the future? I don't think so. Let me add some details... at 7:25, Jeopardy is on, and the final Jeopardy song plays. In the case of the girl, I had just told her she couldn't have another cookie.

 

some of this sounds very like my boy Elias...tho none of the hitting and such...he is a to himself kinda guy, more the impulse control, and the noises and fidgeting. Elias has ADHD and is on Concerta for it. He also has a school mandated plan the school MUST follow consisting of extra help and tutoring and special seating and such for him to help him control impulses and concentrate on finishing his work.

You might consider having an outside person evaluate him, that is what we did. Ours here was the Mental Health branch of the children's hospital. But if you ASK the school to do the same, they must do so...I believe it is the law that they do. The school also has to accept a medical diagnosis (like AD/ADHD) but they also will do their own mandated testing evals...it's a long process so the sooner started the better.

There is a lot of emotional stuff going on within the home I think as far as the deployment...BUT...if a child has ADHD then NOTHING can be wrong at home and you can do everything right but you still may run into issues and problems at school. The pinching and such at home may very well be related to something like an impulse control thing.

It's not failure to admit you need help or to seek the advice of a professional. But only you know your child...you carried him, birthed him and raised him...you know what's best but if someone can HELP you by laying out different options or scenarios, then by all means I think it should be done. The bad thing is to wait too long and then the kiddo falls behind or becomes even more isolated from peers and gets a "rep" in the school, up to an including the teachers...that's no good.

PM me if you want to chat about it...I have done the whole thing from the teacher asking "is your son autistic" (and subsequent mental breakdown by yours truly) on thru now where we are on meds and he is improving and maturing by leaps and bounds now. ((hugs))

shamrockmommy

Callie, no to both questions.  He is very normal, cuddly, sweet. He has a hard time with impulse control. He gets away with pinching/pushing/hitting here too much, unfortunatley because with all the other stuff I need to get done here, I don't always see what happens. 

It's interesting -- that's almost verbatim what this kid's mother said as well -- but she wasn't seeing truly thru the eyes of what went on AT school -- and she was sure she just wasn't controlling it at home because of some emotional stuff going on there ...

I know the whole idea of a problem like this is terrifying and not one any mom wants to even contemplate ... but re-read Gina's post --

 

You are not a bad parent.   You have a kiddo in a situation where he is having problems.  Looking at how to change your behave at home, his behavior at school (which includes the big people changing their behavior) is part of the answer.

Some options.  You dont have to mistrust the school until you have real reason too.  There are options through the special education departments.  I do not know your district, but request assistance from the school psychologist.  If the school has an intervention team situation, ask to call the team together.

 Take advantage of the base services, especially parenting classes if available. The strategies you can learn, the people you network with can be helpful long after this is resolved.  You can get evaluations from those folks as well.  Use the results from base evals and school information to fine tune whatever plan has been implement.

Consider a daily behavior report card.  Giving information to parents and kids on a regular basis in easily understood ways helps change behavior.  There is a really good one on line that can be customized.  You can find it at www.interventioncentral.org

Increased monitoring, visual cues and verbal rehearsal are excellent methods for helping to bring these types of behavior under better control.  Restroom breaks are controlled by staff.  If they go as a class, then he is first or last.  The entire class can do a chant of restroom rules before the kids go in the restrooms.  Teachers control the number of students in the restroom at any given time.  If the restroom is in the classroom, put a bell on the door.  If the door opens, teacher looks up and checks which kid.  Or teacher develops a new rule that you dont enter the restroom without permission.  Take the restroom rules, post them on the walls, read them at home, read them at school even when a restroom transition is not occurring.  What you say is far more like what you will do (when you dont have the behavior in place yet.)

There are four basic reasons driving behavior.  Social attention,  escaping demands or establishing control, sensory or biological needs or desire for tangibles.  The team should sit down with YOU and discuss these things.  Look for evidence on or the other of these causes seems to be most likely.  Build the intervention in a manner that the need gets addressed.  If the need is met, the behavior wont happen.  A new behavior pattern (usually an improvement) occurs.  If the need is not met, you will know a different reason is at work.

All interventions need to run AT LEAST 4 weeks.  It is absolutely necessary to measure not remember the behaviors.  It is themeasurement of the behavior that will help the team (WHICH INCLUDES YOU) determine if you are on the right track or need to retool.

Consider this book   

http://www.russellbarkley.org/barkley-books.php?id=8

It is a companion to a parenting program Dr. Barkley has developed.  I provide that training periodically during the year.  It is excellent at developing good behavior and strong effective parenting.  It also has a transition component to take the method from home to school.  Same website check out Parenting Defiant Children.  Maybe the base folk would consider looking at it. (I know incredible long shot, but it is a great program.)

 

rwbeagles

some of this sounds very like my boy Elias...tho none of the hitting and such...he is a to himself kinda guy, more the impulse control, and the noises and fidgeting. Elias has ADHD and is on Concerta for it. He also has a school mandated plan the school MUST follow consisting of extra help and tutoring and special seating and such for him to help him control impulses and concentrate on finishing his work.

You might consider having an outside person evaluate him, that is what we did. Ours here was the Mental Health branch of the children's hospital. But if you ASK the school to do the same, they must do so...I believe it is the law that they do. The school also has to accept a medical diagnosis (like AD/ADHD) but they also will do their own mandated testing evals...it's a long process so the sooner started the better.

There is a lot of emotional stuff going on within the home I think as far as the deployment...BUT...if a child has ADHD then NOTHING can be wrong at home and you can do everything right but you still may run into issues and problems at school. The pinching and such at home may very well be related to something like an impulse control thing.

It's not failure to admit you need help or to seek the advice of a professional. But only you know your child...you carried him, birthed him and raised him...you know what's best but if someone can HELP you by laying out different options or scenarios, then by all means I think it should be done. The bad thing is to wait too long and then the kiddo falls behind or becomes even more isolated from peers and gets a "rep" in the school, up to an including the teachers...that's no good.

PM me if you want to chat about it...I have done the whole thing from the teacher asking "is your son autistic" (and subsequent mental breakdown by yours truly) on thru now where we are on meds and he is improving and maturing by leaps and bounds now. ((hugs))

  I Ditto this totally, my son is ADHD as well.

Your not a bad parent you just need to take control on all levels.  I know its hard when your facing these things alone.

1.  I would have him medically checked for the peeing his pants.  At 5 this is either medical or emotional.

2.  I would seek out a children's development center at your local hospital and have him evaluated, specifically a Neurodevelopmental Pediatrician. 

I remember feeling the same way you do, I had a sweet boy but a off the wall boy as well.  I denied all and every thought of this being mentally related.  You might find he is in the autism spectrum or ADHD or OD etc.  I know you want to think he is a normal energic boy but truthfuly he is not.  Most 5 year old boys DO NOT act this way.  I also think his father being deployed plays a large part in some of this so seeking out counciling IMO is a must.

I suggest you seek help from your peditritian and a certified neurodevelopment doctor have him evaluated you might find there is more to his behavior and be able to work on something specific.  I would also research ADHD and Aspergers - you may be able to understand better other possible explainations for his behavior.  You may also find this is totally emotional with his Dad being deployed - the wetting the pants to me is a real red flag for emotional issues.  I know you said your good at ignoring your feeling with your DH being deployed - maybe you could sit down and talk about your feelings and share how it bothers all of you - he may need to talk.  Have a family time after you get to talk to Dad and draw picutres and write letter to him, have the kids express how they feel and how they miss him in these letters it may help.  Maybe giving him more of a communication outlet to Dad will help.  When my DH was a truck driver and gone for weeks at a time, I would have Cody write in his journal for Dad to read when he came home.  He was 5 so couldn't write but he would tell me what he wanted to say and that helped all of us communicate.  He use to tell Dad things from I got a A today to, my name got put on the board and I lost 10 min of recess.  It was actually a very fun activity and it opened up our communication at many levels.

It is not your fault, you are not a bad parent.  I remember telling my husband I love my son, but I don't like him.  Isn't that horrible!  I don't feel that way anymore now that we all got help and identified what the problem was and treat it.  The brain sometimes needs help to funciton just like anyother organ in our body.  Read on it, research it, you may be surprised and find lots of commonalities between your son and some medical solutions.

Best of Luck!  Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

 ETA:  I am in no way trying to diagnose your son!  I just truely beleive that sometimes we miss this piece becasue we don't seek psycological opinions.  My Ped is great but contined to choke Codys behavior issues to a phase and never suggested future evaluation, I'm glad I made myself informed enough to make the decision do so.   

rwbeagles

You might consider having an outside person evaluate him, that is what we did. Ours here was the Mental Health branch of the children's hospital. But if you ASK the school to do the same, they must do so...I believe it is the law that they do. The school also has to accept a medical diagnosis (like AD/ADHD) but they also will do their own mandated testing evals...it's a long process so the sooner started the better.

 

Want to clarify this here... the school is not required to evaluate if you ask for it, however, if they should choose not to, they are required to deny your request in writing. They can't deny that a child has an outside diagnosis, however, they don't have to take the outside recommendations for a case like that (obviously, if a kid need medicine at noon, and that is what the outside doctor says, they can't deny the child medicine). What they have to do though is consider the outside evaluation.

Not to terrify you though that school will be combative though...I have yet to hear of a denial to evaluate in a case of a kid where the school was seeing a problem too. I have only heard of one.

From what I read when I went thru the IDEA...if you request something like an eval based upon teacher input or problems or concerns of a learning, attention or other medical based issue pertaining to school then they have to at least do a preliminary observation to see if intervention is necessary. That is at least how I read it.

Now if a public school honestly ignored a parent who had real concerns and did not even do a basic eval on the child via the school diagnostician...wow...that sounds like a big kettle of legal worms to open considering what I read in the text of the IDEA. I suppose it happens..I suppose some parents jump on that when it's a mere issue of a few discipline problems...but daily warnings, inability to retain information or follow rules THIS late in the school year is IMO something that should be criminal to ignore (on the schools part, esp if I as a tax payer am PAYING for such help/intervention).

Elias got thru K fine with his defecits but in 1st grade they became glaring...and I am glad our school at least is willing to act esp when it is THEIR staff bringing the concerns up in the first place.

Shamrockmommy -- I'm pretty sure there is a lot of difference in how different states handle this stuff as far as who *has* to do what and how responses are handled.  Simply word things as a request and "how do I do this?" to start.

Repeat after us:

"I am not a bad parent.  This isn't my fault."

I mean it -- you are NOT a bad parent, nor is any of this blame-worthy at all.  You've got a challenge ahead ... you don't have a 'bad' child either -- he's a challenge and you've got a tough situation that's brought some challenges out. 

But DO ask for some help evaluating it.  Don't jump to the end and don't try to do this alone.  And it's not fair to your husband to just "wait" til he comes home. but the more input you get the more help you'll get in resolving this.  Stuff like this is FAR more easily solved with others helping you figure it out.