Worst Parent Ever-update page 2

Yeah, pretty much, but not just because you wanted it. Anyway, this does bring up the important point, make all requests in writing, and make sure that you have proof of when you made that request, either by certified mail, or take in two copies, and have someone date stamp each, and sign that they received a copy. This may never be a problem. They may accept your verbal request just fine and complete everything within the required time lines, or for some reason they may ignore your verbal request, or if there is no proof you sent it, they may claim to have never received it, or received it later than they really did. I don't think that most schools are out to screw you over, deny your child help if he really needs it, or any other horribleness, but this just makes sure they can't play any games on this particular issue.

Absolutely, Callie is right. This does not mean anything about your parenting skills although IMO every single parent out there has things they could learn, and that is not a negative...it is room to grow, just like we do as dog owners, wives, friends, every aspect of life...always room to grow and learn and find new ways of doing things.

I had to make some major changes in myself when it came to how I parent...confront some truths and see that things are different now and thus "I" must be different in some ways in order to be successful. Not easy or fun in places but very rewarding and empowering in others.

Folks here are GREAT at being cheerleaders and lending support and also advice and been there done that's...please do lean on us if you need to, and vent or share the happy stuff too!

 

Has he been checked recently by a Physician.  Maybe  a bladder infection.  Happened to my Daughter when she was five came home everyday with wet pants, teacher called, I took her to Dr. and she had an infection and also had to have her bladder stretched, it was too small and she could not hold it, this was many years ago though.  Just a thought.

Well crap, I had a long, detailed reply and then Poof! gone.  Ugh.

Met with teacher, principal and counsellor today. Together we came up with a plan for DS for the potty issue (principal bought a timer for noah to ring every hour).  They all assured me that yes, he is a bit behind on the socially appropriate behavior but not the worst they've seen.  They enjoy DS, he's very social, and chatty adn they did not think adhd was an issue, nor aspergers. 

He has been to the doctor twice to check for UTI and urine is clear.  DS admits himslef that he doesn't want to stop playing so just goes in his pants. 

I realize myself, I need to step up and be CONSISTENT.  That has been a major issue for my entire parenting time.  We changed around some rules at home and I am following throug with consequences (room time - time out).  I made sure to remind him and have me show him the 'right' way to potty anytime he's away from home. 

He's going to start up counselling this week. 

I am going to try to give him the attention he craves and play with him more (and dd too). My anser is always "I'm busy, go play."  Which is true, but I'm going ot have to let things slide a bit.

I also think that winter has been a major issue. We just cannot get outside and in this small town there is not much indoor fun kid stuff to do.   It has warmed up and we had afternoon outside time today and yesterday and it was a huge difference in their intensity and they were much more cooperative. 

I limited tv and computer. THey have to earn it and if they did well at school/home, then they get a timer set and the techy of their choice (tv/wii/computer).

That went well.  I revamped bedtime slightly and that has worked well that last 2 nights too.

So moving right along.  I don't want to seem as though I could be in denial, but I am seriously doubting aspergers/autism/adhd.  There is a boy in his class with adhd who is medicated and DS acts nothing like that. 

I believe that emotionally inside he is a wreck, misses that daddy time big time! 

Anyway apologies for taking so long to reply, had a busy day wiht that meeting this morning and today is our busy activities day anyway.

Thanks for the ideas and thoughts and letting me vent.  This has been a long, long year.

shamrockmommy

I don't want to seem as though I could be in denial, but I am seriously doubting aspergers/autism/adhd.  There is a boy in his class with adhd who is medicated and DS acts nothing like that. 

 

Truly hon, you can NOT go by that.  At this point "autism" is simply this huge ENORMOUS catch-all that describes everything from soup to nuts.  No pun intended.  You can't look at one kid and say he "acts nothing like that" because they are ALL so very very different.

The point is not the label -- the point is to simply be able to get a handle on how he thinks so you can then better motivate him and deal with him.  It's not to label him as defective.

Trust me -- it's not normal for a boy his age to care so little about peer pressure that he just goes in his pants rather than stop playing.  The other boys will laugh him out of the park. 

Way cool, it makes me so happy when I see a response like ours from other schools.

 There have been some questions about the legal requirements and responsibilities of school districts.  Here is the federal requirements, there are a few variations between states.  If you child attends a private school then the rules are a bit different since the law covers FAPE.  Free Appropriate Public Education.

Anyone can suspect a disability condition and bring it to the attention of a school district.  In fact if you look in your local media there will be a small article annually about how folks can access evaluation and other services.  It usally runs before school starts up in the fall in Ohio.

In Ohio if a parent requests evaluation, the district must respond with a meeting to discuss the concern.  At that meeting a team determines if there is a suspected disability.  If it is so decided evaluation proceeds, if there is no reason to suspect a disability, alternatives are considered.  There is a thirty day period in which this must occur.   There are specific required procedures and documentation that must occur within very specific time lines.  I wont write more unless someone wishes.  You may bring anyone you wish to the meetings to help you deal with the process or share information.

Systematic intervention in the whole class is a great option for many young kids.  I like social skill lessons that are added to the curriculum just like reading and math.  Teachers teach the skill, kids practice and there are memory supports to help iti become natural behavior.  The best "canned" program I have seen to date is Skill Streaming by Goldstein.  Kids under the stress of deployment response extremely well to ritual and routine.  This also applies to kids in divorce, with sick or dying family members, surviors of trauma etc.  The best part is the focus on what to do not what mistake you might have made.

Hint hint Sham-mommy I would I be impressed and take notice if a mom came in asked me about social skill lessons.  Personally you might want to think about a strategy called social stories.  I would write a couple fo you and your son if you would like.  Contact me if you are interested.

mrv

I would I be impressed and take notice if a mom came in asked me about social skill lessons.  Personally you might want to think about a strategy called social stories

 

This was/is done with Elias's class and he really seems to enjoy it...we have done some similar things here at home. Very helpful. Elias needs to be TOLD pretty plainly what response in a given situation is appropriate and it needs to happen often for it to stick. But it DOES help. I can see it being something all children, on the spectrum or no...could benefit from.

I went in again and spoke with his principal and teacher again. THey both thought he is a bit "immature" in the social aspect, but as far as evaluating him for ADHD, they can but don't think it is necessary. His teacher said her class is full of high energy/immature kids this year.  She said see how he does with us increasing opportunities for social behaviors and our other plans and then go from there. 

I will keep everyones suggestions and thoughts in my mind though, and if things don't get better I'll go from there.

 

 

Not a cure, but send  some extra clothes to school so he can change.  If Mom and MIL continue to make comments, ask if they can come over some night to help.  Parenting is hard enough without being criticized by family.  You are exhausted and scared, and the kids feel it. 

School officials are probably not the source of help for this.  They have too much to do with groups, and if they don't have some specialists on staff, really don't know what to do or have time for one kid.  I know they usually want to help, but there is so much going on in schools now.

He always has a change of clothes in his backpack since I am aware of this problem with him. After today's issues at school and now at gymnastics/tumbling class I got him another appointment to talk about peeing his pants/check for UTI again, and the soonest I can get him in for a psych eval for add/adhd/autism is the 30th. I have been crying all afternoon, and this is obviously not good for him to see. He's very angry about having to go to the doctor. At tumbling when I picked him up, the assistant told me I needed to wait and talk to the teacher. So I talk to the teacher and she starts off with "we need to work on LISTENING." I threw my hands up in the air at this point because I felt like ripping her head off. EVERYONE tells me to work on listening. I've been working on listening, I AM working on listening!! I cried on the way out the door. I just. do. not. know. what. to. do. It is 3 weeks to his eval at the end of the month and I had talked today again with the principal about how adhd is screened. I'm going to sign the permission form to do so tomorrow. Either there is something wrong or I have raised him this way. I kindof think both, because nothing I ever do has come out right. I always screw things up, and now, the most important job of all, raising a decent kid, well I've gone and ruined that too. DH is feeling helpless, still stuck in Bahrain for more than a month yet while the rest of our family falls apart. this is everything I never wanted. So.

 He's just a kid!!! Don't worry, he has plenty of time to mess HIMSELF up. I'm of course just kidding. But take a deep breath, and mentally "zoom out" a little bit. I know this must feel like a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge deal right now, but in the grand scheme of your life and his, it's very manageable. You have plenty of time left to "raise a decent kid."

Is there a walk-in health clinic in your area? If I were you, I would take him to a walk-in to test for a UTI. I'm sure he doesn't want to go to the doctor, but just try to keep it positive - "This is going to help you feel so much better. This is to take care of you. This is to help you so you don't have to change or be embarrassed at school. What in particular are you upset about regarding the doctor? What can we do to make this more pleasant for you?"

Don't sweat the teacher... I bet leading a tumbling class full of rambunctious little kids has to be pretty stressful, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was just generally irritated and taking it out in your direction. Maybe next time ask her for specifics? "Thanks, that's definitely something we're working on at home. Do you have any specific ideas of ways we could work on it?"

Don't look at it as "there's something wrong" OR "you raised him wrong." People are sooooo much more complex than that! You know better! You're in a difficult position with your husband's deployment, your son is in a difficult position too, and there's just a lot of crazy stuff going on right now. But that's okay, because that's how you get stronger. Kids can't grow up to be strong, brave, mature adults unless they have some trials and tribulations along the way. Maybe childhood struggles, maybe adulthood struggles, but somewhere along the line there are struggles no matter what. What's awesome is that you're there to struggle with him, and help him along as best you can. So he gets to see you being strong, and trying hard, and sometimes not doing everything perfectly, but trying anyway. And that's how you get to be a great role model - even when things don't work the way you want, you keep chugging along and doing your best anyway.

I'm sending you lots of thoughts of strength and optimism and perseverance.  You can do this!!!!!!!

Courtney's response rocks, so I'm just going to say "Agreed!", particularly:

Cita

You have plenty of time left to "raise a decent kid."

miranadobe

Courtney's response rocks, so I'm just going to say "Agreed!", particularly:

Cita

You have plenty of time left to "raise a decent kid."

Agreed here too. Take deep breaths and remember that nothing is the end of the world but the end of the world and this isn't it. You haven't much longer to wait until your husband is home and this can be shared with him. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up. Your kids and your husband need you to take care of yourself. You're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for and none of these issues, or potential issues, have to be resolved today, this week or even this month. (((HUGS)))

thanks to everyone. I am trying to keep my chin up but my heart is broken. It looks like I stirred up a bunch a trouble, maybe I shouldn't have bared my soul on the internet. :( Trying to hang in there a few more weeks.

 I'm sorry if you found my post offensive, that's not what I intended. Best wishes to you.