Friends w/ the ex?

tiffy

Personally, I wouldn't want to "owe" an ex.

Yuck, I don't want to owe him anything either. And I don't want to feel like I have to be nice and polite if he's getting flirty with me because I don't like it. He knows I'm married, and I know he has a gf.

Steph, you know what they say about men right? Once they've "had" you, that door is always open for them to "have" you again. Like I said, men are pigs.

tiffy

Steph, you know what they say about men right? Once they've "had" you, that door is always open for them to "have" you again. Like I said, men are pigs.

Some men definitley are PIGS. This ex wasn't in the begining, but he got very shady after about 2 years of dating... and then I found out he had cheated on me. It only happend once (that I know of) during a guys-night-out, but still. In my mind once a cheater, always a cheater. We broke up, and it wasn't ugly, just lots of "I'm sorry" cards, gifts, letters, flowers, etc, from him. Ugh. If you're so sorry then don't do anything to be sorry about. Ever since then he has called me on my bday, but when I met DH I stopped answering those calls and let it go to voicemail and I deleted it. He still always calls. DH said he felt sorry for the "poor sucker", lol.

 Don't do it. Do you know any other mechanics and would DH mind if you showed a little cleavage or whoops I dropped my keys? I know I'm scandalous, but you gotta use what God gave you right?

BlackLabbie

Ugh. If you're so sorry then don't do anything to be sorry about.

DH is a really, really easy-going guy. Definitley not the jealous type one bit. He's also a mechanic, but he works on boats, so he wanted to know what the ex had to say about my truck more than anything, he didn't even ask if the ex was flirting or anything, but I told him and he was like, "really??" and laughed....like it's a big joke that someone was flirting with me!

Here's an alternative perspective - perhaps he "owes" you for cheating on you. lol So, get your service, consider the "debt" paid, and be done.  Stop letting his calls on your birthday go to your voicemail if being semi-friendly makes you uncomfortable.  That whole aspect of being his "friend" on facebook and not discouraging his calls on your birthday is an issue that you haven't addressed yet for one reason or another.  This might be an opportunity to wrap it up, tie it in a bow, and be done.

Edit to add - when I come back to New England, I'd wanna pick your DH's brain.  I have an interest in boat engines, believe it or not!! 

BlackLabbie

He's also a mechanic, but he works on boats,

 If It were me, and he offered, I'd do it and have DH make the drop.  But I'm a sucker for a deal.  Hey, if someone offers....

miranadobe

Edit to add - when I come back to New England, I'd wanna pick your DH's brain.  I have an interest in boat engines, believe it or not!! 

BlackLabbie

He's also a mechanic, but he works on boats,

He looooves talking engines. He was an engineer in the USCG. When he got out he got a job at a marina here and they've sent him to schools all over the country for engines. He loves it.

I'd take the bargain, and have DH go with you to drop it off and drop a "thank you" gift round after.  Why should you lose out on a deal just because you dated once... and HE cheated on YOU into the bargain?!

I'd keep the lines open on FB, but if he gets flirty say, "oh I'm really sorry, I have to go" and then appear offline.  Not nasty or anything, kinda like if a puppy bites you with his little teeth.... you get up and leave the room.

Honestly, I'd keep it neutral.  If he wants to flirt, let him flirt.  It's what YOU do that counts.  Let's face it, it's 15 minutes away and it saves you money... what if the car needs looking at again?  I wouldn't turn the friendship sour, or drop him completely, because of the past.  You can never have too many friends, especially if they are mechanics.

I'm with Tiffy.  Don't do it.  He offered to help, but you initiated the contact, which at some point could be misconstrued (by him).

In my experience, men might say they are okay with harmless flirting, but it's bitten me in the butt a few times, so tread very carefully.

Besides, I would prefer to find my own solutions without being obligated to an ex.  There are just too many mixed feelings involved on both sides.

I would stay away...saying that as a happily married woman..of coming up on 10 years. Money CAN buy happiness in this case...in the form of another mechanic. Never be beholden to anyone that has feelings...even minor ones, for you and expresses them so openly...even in jest.

eta: no one..."owes" anyone ANYTHING when a relationship ends. "Owe" is not an end..it is a continuation of a cycle that was obviously bad, because the relationship was not one you wanted to continue. Owing someone is just an excuse to continue to be in the cycle...end it. Period.

 I wonder what your DH would say if he knew how much confusion this was causing you?  I dunno, maybe I'm unique in that I have a few exes that I am now friends with.  I do have some that I avoid like the plague, but most of them aren't  bad guys.  Granted, the majority weren't serious, but 2 were.  T's a computer geek, and I wouldn't let anyone else mess around with my computer.  C was a good friend before we got together, and truth be told, we should never have hooked up in the first place, because it ruined a great friendship for years.  We've only just gotten back a bit of it.

But you have to go with your gut, like Cita said.  If its really making you uncomfortable, ask yourself why?  Is he the type that will hold this over your head?  Or is he actually a nice guy that would really do something like this for a friend?   You know him.  We don't.  The situation is individual, despite being a broad scenario.  Good Luck with what you decide.

 For me, I wouldn't go to him even if it meant saving some money. Then again, none of my exes are friend material and I prefer to cut all ties to them. To me, it is just not worth the awkwardness, potential trouble, etc. that may result.

 All bar one of my exes are friend material, and I have (limited) contact with all of them.  If one of them was a mechanic, you bet I'd be dropping my car round there.  They're LESS likely to screw me over than some other mechanics I could mention....

Edit: Ummm sorry about the pun.  But you get my meaning.