How is your relationship with your Mother?

Sometimes the "closer to family" thing isn't all it's cracked up to be. My mom died when I was 12, so I have no comparison but I do notice that when grandchildren enter the picture, a lot can change. Try to let it roll of your back and know that she's not perfect, neither are you, but you can still love each other to pieces.

My mom died quite some time ago and we didn't have a good relationship for the most part. We did become close the last year of her life but knowing she was dying made it much easier to focus on what I loved about her rather than what I found difficult and hurtful.  I have always envied people with close, loving relationships with their moms.  I had that kind of relationship with my Dad and that helped a lot. 

 I think many women feel like they aren't needed by their grown children and that causes them to become super critical in a misguided attempt to retain some sort of control and to prove they still have worth to their family.  Of course, it usually backfires and that sets up a vicious cycle of hurt feelings and rejection.  I feel for you and know what it's like to want a different relationship with your mom.  {{Hugs}}

I thankfully have a good relationship with my mom. We do live in different states now, but even when in the same city, we got along quite well. It helps that she has a great sense of boundries and isn't one of those pushy, nosey moms

My husband thinks I don't have a close relationship with my family, but it is just because his family operates so differently...quite loving but a bit on the manipulative, guilt inducing side.  The fact that my mom and I can chat, but I don't pine to go to my homestate all of the time confuses him

 My mom and I have sort of a love hate relationship. She'd like me to leave home, but I can't afford it. We get along ok when we have to, but when we don't have to... we can be pretty mean to each other.

I am not close to my mother at all.  We can't be in the same room without an arguement.  She has been very open about the fact that she didn't want a daughter.  She has openly said that I am a disappointment & failure in her eyes. 

I gave up on the relationship, completely, seven months ago.  Sadly, the past seven months, free of her, have probably been the happiest of my life.

I was blessed with a great dad, along with grand parents who loved me & made up for my mother's shortcomings.  I can honestly say that, as a child, I never felt unloved.

I am envious of people who have good, or even amicable relationships with their mothers.  I do feel like I missed out on something because of our trainwreck of a relationship. 

I think we have a normal relationship.  I was a pretty normal, good kid.  Made good grades easily, didn't act out, basically took care of myself without a lot of nagging or bribing from my parents.  So I never had any huge fights with my mother, I came and went as I pleased without any rules or curfews.  However we aren't super close like some moms and daughters.  I think it's more me, I'm just not a very open person, with anyone.  Lately I talk to my mom about once a week.  We e-mail a few times a week about this or that.  I go on vacation with my parents and their friends for a week every April (lame, I know, but they are all pretty cool and it saves me money paying a small share to tag along) and we go to the cottage for two weeks with my family every August.  My mom and I pretty much see eye-to-eye.  She sometimes nags about how I spend my money and my choice of hobbies, but I remind her that I was an A student and I have a good salary, comfortable life, good husband, and I work hard so I can spend my money on my dogs if I want to.  I'm guessing that if we still live here when we start having kids I will be spending a lot more time with my mom!!

I can honestly say my mom in my best friend.  We talk at least once...sometimes twice a day.  Nothing in my life is real until my mom knows.  She has always supported me in every decision I made even the ones she disagreed with.  I have learned to appreciate our relationship more since DH's mom is a complete tool and they barely even talk anymore.

She makes me feel like I am the most loved child in the world.  If I am only 1/8 the mom to Riley that she was to me I will feel successful.

Cathy, you have some great words there, than you for the perspective!

I will love her to pieces- lord knows I have my faults, but still, I think I need to keep some things to myself about my kids!

My Mom has always been controlling over me, my Dad, and my brother. But, mainly me. She controlled which stores I shopped at, what I wore, how I dressed, the length/style of my hair, who I was friends with, who I dated, etc, etc, etc. She controlled which colleges I applied to and which college I went to. And all that stuff I went along because I didn't want to fight with her, because with my Mom there is no talking- no conversation- it's either you agree or you argue until she wins. She tried to break me and my DH (then BF) up many times the first few years we dated. Thankfully, he was so understanding and to this day doesn't have a single bad thing to say about my Mom (though I'm sure he thinks different). She tried controlling my wedding....which extremely backfired on her when DH and I eloped without anyone!

Now that I did my own thing and she realized (I think...I hope) that she can't control me anymore things have been much, much better. She looks at me like I'm an adult- finally! And I started to look at her as a real person, not just my Mom...and I realized, I think she was jealous of me. She never had the oppurtunities I did, that I still have. My Mom was a stay at home Mom, limited education, the daughter of 2 immigrants. She was brought up thinking you get married, have lots of babies, and take care of them. Women don't work, don't get divorced (no matter what), don't need to go to college. Well, when I grew up she realized that women have waaaaay more oppurtunies than what she thought. She pushed college, but also pushed marriage and babies (I think she was conflicted)...somedays she would fight with me about being a "career women" somedays she would fight with me about being a "good wife and good mother".....this was the source of lots of our fights, too (Hello! Make up your mind!!). I don't think she realized you can work and you can be a good Mom and wife- all at the same time. And I think she was scared about me growing up.

DH and I don't have children, and I don't think we ever will, but if we do someday I hope she doesn't revert to her old ways because that definitely would strain our relationship, and possibly destroy it. She wouldn't just be messing with me- she'd be messing with my kids, which is a deal breaker.

Today, I don't hold any of the previous things my Mom did to me against her, but I don't forget them. I know now when I need a break from her (when she calls, I don't answer, I don't visit her, etc). She can be horrible (some of the things that come out of her mouth- OMG), and embarrasing, and sometimes nasty and just plain old mean, but I forgive her and overlook a lot...I have to...I only have one Mom.

I have a great relationship with my mother she's pretty much my best friend even tho I say I don't have one but she's the closet to one. As for my father we always argue and fight I have discuss this with my mother as I told her straight out if I was even his lol because he loves my two sister and my brother but when it comes to me it actually feels like he hates me.

 If he argues with my sisters or my brother he calls up and apologizes to them and pretty much kisses their a$$ but me he won't do it, He's pretty much only nice to me when I give him something I don't get it he says he loves us all the same but everyone in the family knows thats not true I come last to him no matter what.

I really wonder sometimes what it is, is it because I'm overweight is it that I don't have kids he acts sometimes as tho I owe him I just don't get it and I will stop now because it gets me upset

 I would say my relationship with my mum is so-so.

She had an affair when I was little and ran off with this other guy when I was 3.  I don't hate her, dislike her, resent her at all... at least not consciously.  But sadly, I feel that my life would not be all that different if she were not around. 

Before I had Will, she made little to no effort to make contact with me, and when he was born it ws like we got closer.  But - apparently not.  The truth is, mum just likes babies!  The older he gets, the further apart we drift again.  She has very little contact with my brothers and sisters either, and most of that contact is initiated by them rather than her.  Really - I am not exaggerating here - it's like we could drop off the planet and she would not notice! 

I do everything to try to touch base and keep contact, but it can be hard work and it needs to be a 2 way street.  I thought I would understand her more as a mother once I was one myself, but the opposite is true.  Because now *I* have a kid, I canNOT understand how she could abandon her babies.  If I were in that position now - leaving DH (doG forbid) - you might as well chop off my arm as expect me to leave the house without my baby(s)!  Similarly, when they are grown, I known that they will stiill be (to me) "my babies" and I will contact them now and again to see how they are....

Maybe I'm being unfair, but Dad always used to.... he always knew what was going on, if we had a test or a new job coming up, and he would always ring to wish us luck and give support.  He'd ring round Xmas, birthdays (when he remembered, bless him) new year, easter, with well wishes and to see how we are.  And sometimes he'd just pick up the phone and say "haven't seen you in a while - how are you?  Is everything ok?".

Really truly, I sometimes wonder why it was Dad that had to get cancer and die.  I feel terrible for feeling that way, but sometimes I can't stop myself.  In reality, HE was my parent, and now it's like I don;t have one.

I am very grateful that mum has agreed to mind Will once a fortnight for me, and has done since I returned to work.  It's helped me out a lot, but the flip side of the coin is that sometimes she allows things I don't, or disallows things I allow (if that makes sense).  I let her know what MY rules are, the ones I feel strongly about and want stuck to, and then I butt out and let her get on with it.  If I feel she oversteps the mark, I let her know, as nicely as possible.  It's hard, because I don;t want to ruin the tentative relationship we have got, which is why, to balance it out, I try to butt out and let her get on with it as much as possible.  I suspect the older Will gets, the harder it will be.

I know hardly anyone who has a stellar relationship with their mum, even though in some cases it is just because they are so similar to their mums.  So I guess what I am trying to say is, try to feel lucky for the little bit of good you DO have and build on that rather than focusing on negatives, and more for your kids sake than your own.  Grandparents are a blessing, even when they do things differently than we might like.  Virtually all kids should have a relationship with their grandparents, IMO.

My mother is one of my very best friends and I am one of hers.  My parent's raised my brother and I to be independent and have stood behind that.  So when she makes suggestions to me about my child, or my life, she knows that my decisions may or may not go along with her suggestions and it isn't an issue.  I respect her and she respects me.  My father and I finally gained a really close relationship like this as well in the past 10 years.  We don't always talke everyday but we do talk often.  I try to take Devin by their house on the way home from work at least once a week to see both of them b/c I know they won't be around forever.  My mom and I often get out on the weekends and run our errands together.  Having a child of my own now, there are times that my mom suggests, or even does things that I don't agree with.  I just try to correct in the nicest way possible without making it any sort of a confrontation or big deal.  For instance, my mom is always trying to give her juice or water.  We don't allow juice, and only limited water.  I just stand my ground, and explain why as if it were a friend suggesting it and don't become defensive about it. 

Of course, there are things about my mom that drive me crazy too and I am sure there are things about me that drive her crazy.  We all have our faults.  We choose to accept each other with those faults and just know that is part of who each other is and try not to let them bother us too much.