What should I tell her?(Bullymom)

I would also say not to lie to her.  My first cat George was a roamer.  I rememeber picking scabs off of him when I was little.  He got in so many scraps.  One day he never came home and my mom and sister told me that he must have found somewhere else to live that had other cats for him to play with.  I remember being sad that he didn't love me enough to stay with me.  

But worse than that, when I was alot older, like maybe 25, my sister started talking very non chalantly about how Paul(her husband) had taken George out to the bush to shoot him because he was so beat up.  20 years later, and that still rocked me to the core!  I could not believe that they had lied to me in that fashion.  I mean I had already gotten to the point where I knew he hadn't really gone to live with someone else, but I just figured he had dissappeared, not that they all knew and just lied to me.  

Don't lie to her, please. 

I want to tell her the truth but I seriously don't thin she can handle that kind of news.  Maybe she can but the truth is, I am scared to tell her.  It breaks my heart to see her cry.  I guess I am just being selfish.  I guess I could tell her that Skittles is up in Heaven with God and His Angels.  She  knows all about that stuff.  But to come right out and tell her that he's dead, it would crush her. 

Bullymom

I want to tell her the truth but I seriously don't thin she can handle that kind of news.  Maybe she can but the truth is, I am scared to tell her.  It breaks my heart to see her cry.  I guess I am just being selfish.  I guess I could tell her that Skittles is up in Heaven with God and His Angels.  She  knows all about that stuff.  But to come right out and tell her that he's dead, it would crush her. 

This is the reason my Mom gave me for lying to me when I was little. I regret that even more, know why? It is important to learn how to GREEVE and COPE properly at an early age. This is actually a really GOOD thing! You get to witness and be there during her first loss!

People who don't learn how to have loss early on have extreme issues with it later when a man comes along and rips their heart out or if their parents die in a car wreck...

It may just be the truth about a dead cat, but I'm telling ya... it's so much more than that. This is a learning step in Maddison's life

oh and also! let me even put it in a different way... when you raise a child to learn that it's okay to lie to prevent someone from hurting well you are then passing on that "skill"

so if the child grows up, gets pregant lets say and has an abortion, and never tells you. later you find out and she goes "well mom i didn't want to hurt you"

create a trusting relationship... the tiny tiny tiny things like this effect the big picture more than we all think

*i used the abortion example b/c my bf's parents still to this day don't know about it (and he's 28yrs old) doesn't want to worry or hurt his parents....*

Pomeranian <3

It is important to learn how to GREEVE and COPE properly at an early age.

So true! And besides, later, if it slips out and Madison finds out that you lied, that gives her an important lesson. It's OK to lie. Surely if mommy lied to me, it's OK for me to lie to her.

Kids are more resilient than you might think. Yes, she'll hurt for a time, but she'll get over it. And then she'll have that experience to draw on in the future.  

There will be many times during parenting when you will be forced to do something that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy.  Now here is the big one,  "Oh well".   Part of parenting is allowing kids to discover the hard things in life in a safe and supportive manner.  Wrapping your kid in cotton makes for a kid with lots more problems in the future.  Kids need to learn to be problem solvers.  She can learn to sooth herself, it is a skill she will need (we all need it).  Give her chance to develop it.  Try bibliotherapy (using books to help young children understand tough issues, think parables from the bible).  One book that always comes to my mind is "The Tenth Good Thing about Barney"

 How old is Madison?  If she's less than three I would suggest just not talking about the cat at all.  Our cat Maia was put down last fall (my daughter will be three in March) and we didn't tell her about it.  If she would ask about her ('where's Maia, mama?';) I would tell her I didn't know.

 On the other hand, my Grandmother died early this winter, as well, and we did tell her that Grandma was gone and wouldn't come back.  She asked when we were going back to the hospital to visit and I said we weren't.  I did not take her to the funeral, however, as I thought that would be very confusing for her.

 If she's over three--I think she's almost four, right?--then I would explain to her.  Maybe it would help her to be able to plant a flower on the cat's resting place, to remember him by.  Then she can water the plant and in a way still be caring for the cat.

Just an idea!

 I am sorry for your loss.
 

I would tell her the truth if she asks.  It might be uncomfortable for you, but I think there are some valuable lessons Madison could learn here.  Telling her what happened, and letting her grieve, will teach her not only that death is a fact of life, but that during a difficult time like this it's right and good for her to rely on you for comfort, and that you will be there for her if she's sad.  Learning that in times of stress/worry/sadness we can depend on others and not just bottle up is a skill that will serve her well for her entire life.   

You are going to have to imagine that I am saying this in the gentlest and kindest voice:

Yes.  You are being selfish.  You are totally right that YOU are going to find this harder than Madison, and it's the difficulty and pain for YOU that is holding you back, not the difficulty for her.

Please - tell her the truth.  To an extent, you can choose the way you tell her and the words you use, but make it clear that he has died - don't use confusing euphamisms like "gone away" or "gone to sleep" (for example some people tell their kids "Rover had to be put to sleep" and the child is confused by it).

 Pom3 is and 4IC are totally right IMO - lying to her is not OK, for her to find out later would be worse and as hard as it might be, she needs this.  Someone or something she loves will die eventually and she is going to have to handle it.  At least her first experience is a pet, not a human, not you!  USE this tragedy.  Take advantage of it.  Seize the opportunity to be honest, be there for her and help her to cope.  Good luck.

I guess I am going to tell her but I am going to wait until she asks about him.  She hasn't asked about him at all today.  My dad said that unless she mentions Skittles, just leave the subject alone.  I guess that's what is wrong with me.  When I lost Yard Cat, about 3 years ago, I lost it.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I even "saw him" in my house even though I knew he was gone.  I couldn't cope with my loss.  I cried for weeks.  Then, I lost my Grandpa and I cracked.  I couldn't stop my tears.  I was scared and lost.  I don't ever remember losing anyone family, friend, or pet when I was little.  I guess my parents just didn't want to tell me.