I'm at the end of my rope

Xeph is young! It sounds like he's just out of high school himself.

Age is nothing. I'm 22 years old. I live with one dog I chose and one I didn't. They do not get along, and cannot have physical contact, at this point. Teenie is in private training, with prescribed Bach flower remedies, to alter her moods. I do not like Dachshunds. I did not want a Dachshund. When I realized that she wasn't going to be finding a home, I started looking for what I liked about her, and she found her own little hole (she's a burrower!) in my heart. She is *just* the right size to fill it up.

I didn't want her. I didn't pick her. It was an accident that I even ended up with her. We deal with it. Had she been an adoptable dog (she's child-aggressive, dog-aggressive, very fearful, old, and full of allergies), she would have been adopted out. She wasn't. *shrugs*

Seriously, youth is no excuse.

This is why I learned to say no to my family, even if it meant being guilt-tripped for the next year or whatever. I've got my own place and caller ID. I don't have to listen to them and I don't care.

I'd say that if you dislike him so much that you can't live with him, then turn him over to a rescue. Who cares what your mom says! She obviously made a mistake by getting him, couldn't deal with him, and so dumped him on you. Next time, just be a biatch and say no lol...

Well, I'm not saying that the only issue here is Xeph's age, but it sure is a major factor--some people take on responsibility much easier than others--and being in high school or just out of high school can make a difference. Having a job can make a difference. Being on your own can make a difference.
 
I can't even tell who all Xeph lives with still--it could be all of them, but it may none of them. I do think that the dog has very little to do with the situation (I agree with Spiritdogs); he's just an unfortunate victim at this point. This issue with the Lab goes way beyond "the Lab" being a pain. 
 
It's one of mean what you say and say what you mean--especially when it comes to family. For many people, it's easier said than done.

ORIGINAL: jennie_c_d

Xeph is young! It sounds like he's just out of high school himself.

Age is nothing. I'm 22 years old. I live with one dog I chose and one I didn't. They do not get along, and cannot have physical contact, at this point. Teenie is in private training, with prescribed Bach flower remedies, to alter her moods. I do not like Dachshunds. I did not want a Dachshund. When I realized that she wasn't going to be finding a home, I started looking for what I liked about her, and she found her own little hole (she's a burrower!) in my heart. She is *just* the right size to fill it up.

I didn't want her. I didn't pick her. It was an accident that I even ended up with her. We deal with it. Had she been an adoptable dog (she's child-aggressive, dog-aggressive, very fearful, old, and full of allergies), she would have been adopted out. She wasn't. *shrugs*

Seriously, youth is no excuse.

I agree that age really is not the criterion by which you judge character.  When I was nine, my mom took in my aunt's dachshund.  Not because she wanted a dog that ate steak and pee'd on pillows, I can assure you.  She did it because my aunt was dying, no one else could take the dog, and we had our own home with a back yard.  My mom couldn't afford steak for din din, so she bought the best dog food she could afford, and insisted.  She removed bed privileges until the housebreaking 101 review was complete.  She made do, because that's what you did when you made a commitment.  But, she did not harbor dislike for the dog - she actively tried to make him over into our great dog.  And, he was!  Later, when he was hit by a car (no leash laws in those days), she took him home broken pelvis and all, and healed him, even after the vet said it was going to be difficult.  She powdered his belly to keep the urine off - he had no bladder control at first.  For weeks, she allowed him to drag himself around, building up strength, even though it meant washing the kitchen floor several times a day.  The dog lived to be 15, and was my childhood heart dog.  I miss him to this day, and my mother always spoke so highly of the little dog she hadn't wanted.  She opened her heart and a wonder dog fell in...

agree that age really is not the criterion by which you judge character.  When I was nine, my mom took in my aunt's dachshund.  Not because she wanted a dog that ate steak and pee'd on pillows, I can assure you.  She did it because my aunt was dying, no one else could take the dog, and we had our own home with a back yard.  My mom couldn't afford steak for din din, so she bought the best dog food she could afford, and insisted.  She removed bed privileges until the housebreaking 101 review was complete.  She made do, because that's what you did when you made a commitment.  But, she did not harbor dislike for the dog - she actively tried to make him over into our great dog.  And, he was!  Later, when he was hit by a car (no leash laws in those days), she took him home broken pelvis and all, and healed him, even after the vet said it was going to be difficult.  She powdered his belly to keep the off - he had no bladder control at first.  For weeks, she allowed him to drag himself around, building up strength, even though it meant washing the kitchen floor several times a day.  The dog lived to be 15, and was my childhood heart dog.  I miss him to this day, and my mother always spoke so highly of the little dog she hadn't wanted.  She opened her heart and a wonder dog fell in...

Thanks for making me cry Anne!  Your mom gave you some high standards to live up to.  I am sure she's a wonderful lady and a hard act to live up to.

Thanks for making me cry Anne! Your mom gave you some high standards to live up to. I am sure she's a wonderful lady and a hard act to live up to.

I had a couple of tears, too.

It's a great story, Anne. It is and I don't mean to detract from it at all--it's the perfect example of commitment, and especially commitment to a living creature who can't speak for him/herself.
 
I guess what I'm saying is that we're the anomalies here. Shelters wouldn't be jam-packed if this weren't true. When I was 8 a brown doberman followed me home and I asked if I could keep her--provided we couldn't find her a home. My Mom doubted my promises, and with good reason; she had 5 children to care for and no extra time. But, I kept true to my word, and I begged to bathe her and walk her (so long as you don't leave a speck of hair in the bathroom, and so long as she never gets loose, I was told, and I made sure none of that ever happened), and I did, consistently. I took care of her until the moment she passed away.
 
But not everyone is like that. And especially if/when they're just out of school. I've turned down countless invitations to be home with the dogs--not everyone is like that. Maybe I'm prejudice here on "young" people, but they seem even more unstable in their late teens and early twenties than when they get older. I've taught them, worked at rehab homes with them, and I've studied their brain development and I'm convinced that the ones like you, jennie-c_d, are few and far between. And we should hold you dear for being that way, too. 

ORIGINAL: jennie_c_d

Thanks for making me cry Anne! Your mom gave you some high standards to live up to. I am sure she's a wonderful lady and a hard act to live up to.

I had a couple of tears, too.

And, it's even more amazing when you stop to consider that both my mom and grandmother came from from farm family blood - you know, the kind of people who were kind enough to their dogs, but the dogs were hunting dogs and still lived in the barn.  My mom used to sneak my granduncle's pointer into the house...  Grandma trained her dogs with food before Ian Dunbar was out of diapers - wonder why it didn't catch on sooner...my mom told me that years later, after gram was gone, so I never got to ask her about how she came to do that.
But, there was a placque on her bathroom door that said, "We are too soon old, and too late smart".

   But, there was a placque on her bathroom door that said, "We are too soon old, and too late smart".
 

Everyone needs a plaque that says that, and should heed to that advice.

Xeph - if you can stand back and actually 'hear' what folks are saying here, honestly it's not going to solve your problem BUT ... in a very serious and real sense, it will.  Because quite honestly -- (yeah, I'm over 50 but I was an "only" child, and trust me -- my parents can "out-guilt' YOUR mother six ways to Sunday!!! My mother taught the class and then guilted them all into staying after school!)
 
Frankly, the issue isn't the dog.  And that's the part that truly sucks here because no, it's not ever going to be a 'win win' situation for anyone.  And there comes a point in "maturity" when you look at your family and say 'You know what -- you can pick your friends but you can't pick your parents -- but in this case, I'm gonna PICK the right thing for this dog, which frankly I should have done months ago. 
 
Mom -- you were finding the easy way out for yourself and Austin.  But it's the wrong thing to teach Austin that when you don't want to 'do' something or you get stuck with a commitment you don't want, that you pawn it off on family. 
 
This dog didn't ask for ANY of us.  I don't like labs and you knew that when you forced me to take him.  I'm not making progress, I'm miserable, the dog's miserable, Austin's miserable because I have HIS dog which no one wants.  So guess who loses the most here?  The dog.  AND me. 
 
So I"m going to do the right thing -- I didn't say the popular thing because this may make you madder than heck.  But I"m going to re-home this dog, and in the process I"m going to teach Austin the RIGHT way to own up to a mistake.  We all make mistakes in life and me taking this dog was a biggie.  But giving it back to you?  That's a mistake too -- particularly for this dog.  So I've already contacted a reputable rescue ...'
 
From here Xeph you can dialog yourself.  And hopefully you didn't quit reading 10 paragraphs ago because I'll tell you one more thing.
 
There comes a time for most all of us, when we have to learn to say "no" to parents.  Some of us learn young ... some of us learn late.  But in honesty, it has a whole lot to do with respect.  THEM respecting US.  And if we never learn to say 'no' to them, they never learn to respect our own individuality and maturity and decision-making.  Is it easy?  No.  It never is. 
 
But if you don't do it with this dog you have set a major pattern as an adult.  So are you going to let Mommy tell you who to marry?  Ohhhhhhhhh wait .. that's different?  No .. it's not.  I just saw a friend of mine backed into the very same corner ... someone got pregnant (shouldn't/couldn't/wouldn't happen?? it did tho) and Mom and Dad forced a marriage no one wanted and it's all gotten ugly from there in about 5 months. 
 
Happens with potential spouses, happens with life choices like work, where you live and gets worse from there. 
 
I'm not harassing you -- shoot, you're nearly living MY life.  And it took me way too long to stand up to my folks and make some things right.  Would I have listened at your age?  If I'd had any idea the agony I was headed for yeah, I would have.  But I was so taught to never say 'no' to parents that I honestly didn't know 'guilt' wasn't an option. 
 
But if you really love dogs, step away from this one and do the right thing for the DOG.  and then look at your younger brother and what this is truly teaching him.  What value of animal life it's teaching.  What values it's teaching him about human life. 
 
it may well cause WW III with your family -- but you know what?  It will all work out eventually ... and saying 'no' about something that matters ultimately makes it possible for you to avoid worse peril in the future.  No -- when your parents try to guilt you into something you know darned well is a collossal mistake -- who's the adult??  Prove you are.  And get your life back. 
 
If that's truly not an option ... then your only other choice is to bite the bullet, and do the other right thing, ditch the attitude and give THIS dog a chance to just plain be a dog.  Not a hated object.  That's probably the far more difficult task tho.

Callie--you said this way better than I ever could and I was working off some caffeine, too!
 
And Lori/Willowchow--I like your insight, too.
 
Thanks for some great posts that have very little to do with Buddy, but everything to do with his life right now.

I know it is hard to have a dog you cant stand.
I have always had herding dogs,learn fast and are oh so smart.
My ex-husband wanted a boxer for his own dog being I had my collie x dog.
I agreed and got him a beautiful fawn boxer. Ugh that dog drove me nuts, he was jumpy and stared like an idiot when I tried to teach him anything,slobbered all over,snored, tried to fight every other dog etc
Eventually my husband didnt have time for him any more and I became the sole trainer and dog walker.
So I decided that in order for me to like this dog he would have to learn some manners, well anything would be nice.
He was sooooooo different to train then my collie.....so I took a deep breath and worked at a really slow patient pace.
He would take 10 minutes to figure out how to sit, even with treats and praise, during that time my collie would go thru every trick she knew. Anyways after many hair-pulling, stressful months, this stupid dog(which I had thought for so long) was just a slow learner and once him and I became friends ,man that dog would do anything for me.
He learned to walk wonderfully,sit,down,stay and even not to fight.

So moral of my story is, if you think their stupid and untrainable, they will be.
Once your attitude changes positive towards this lab, once you realise he's an individual dog, he will become trainable.
 

I still believe rehoming the dog is the best option. If however, you will not accept that as an option, then you have to learn to accept this dog as he is right now before you can work on his behavior. I've found this book to be extremely helpful in accepting things the way they really are, rather than how I wish them to be. It's worth a read.
 
[linkhttp://www.amazon.com/Stubbornly-Refuse-Yourself-Miserable-Anything/dp/0818404566/sr=8-3/qid=1163947187/ref=pd_bbs_3/002-1002514-4025627?ie=UTF8&s=books]http://www.amazon.com/Stubbornly-Refuse-Yourself-Miserable-Anything/dp/0818404566/sr=8-3/qid=1163947187/ref=pd_bbs_3/002-1002514-4025627?ie=UTF8&s=books[/link]