Please Help, I've lost my best friend

Oh, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  She is pain-free now and you just have to know that she is in good hands at the Bridge.   Run free!

I know this is so hard for you.  But, she was in pain, and hip surgery is tremendously expensive and no guarantee that she would be able to get through it and not hurt or hurt someone else.  She is in no pain now, and your vet was probably helping you to come to the right conclusion - a vet is usually unwilling to euthanize a dog with a good prognosis, especially one that is someone's "best friend".   I hope that you have happy memories of all the good times, and that this pain will fade with time. <<>>

I'm am SO sorry for your loss and my heart breaks reading your post.  I know exactly how you feel.  My dog had either Canine Cognitive Dysfunction or a brain tumor.  We tried medications for the CCD, the vet said it could take up to a month to work.   After 2 weeks I just couldn't take seeing her in such mental agony anymore.  I had spent every moment of those 2 weeks with her - sleeping only during the hour or so a night when she would sleep or napping when she would pretty much collapse out of exhaustion.     My brain knew it was the right decision to help her over the bridge, but my heart and soul did NOT understand.   Its been 4 months and I still miss her.  I spent many days / weeks thinking that I should have waited longer to give the meds a chance - kicking myself over and over.
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that my vet was right and that it was likely a brain tumor (she had started to fall more often, and falling isn't really associated with CCD) and that I did the most unselfish thing I could - I put her need to be out of suffering ahead of my need to have her near me. 
Give yourself some time.   You will see that you did the right thing.   I'm sure your vet guided you in the right direction - I'm sure if he thought there were a chance for a recovery that he wouldn't have led you towards this decision.  Imagine yourself in her shoes - hurting and oh so fearful - not knowing what was going to cause her pain (physical or mental) next.   
She's in a much better place now, and all our past dogs are greeting her at the bridge, showing her around.   And they're all talking about us - how we helped them when they needed us most - how we sacrificed our our happiness to give them the peace that they deserve.
 

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss and I wish there was some way I could ease your pain. I'm well aware that there are no mere words that can as I just lost my little Harley shih-tzu, of 12 glorious years, unexpectedly, over 1 1/2 long months ago and my pain is still so raw and devastating that I haven't even been able to post it. I just want you to know that my heart aches along with yours and for you also.You must know that you most certainly made the most loving and selfless decision that you could and please rest assured that it was the right one as well. I knew that at Harley's age I would face the same decision sometime in the near future, I thought about it alot because his health was starting to fade, but I also knew that I loved him so very much more than enough to let him go, though I knew it would kill my very soul. You loved your furbaby just as deeply and any decision made urely out of a love so special, unselfish, and eternal cannot be wrong. I will remember you and yours in my prayers and hope that you find your peace soon. My little Harley is probably showing your furbaby around the Rainbow Bridge right now! [] Just always remember, one day we will get to cross that bridge with our babies when we are reunited with them again! [sm=angel.gif]

I am so sorry for the loss of your fur-baby.  As much as it hurt you, you put aside your feelings of loss and chose to end her constant pain.  That took strength and compassion.
 
Please don't second guess yourself and let your grief turn to guilt.  She wouldn't want that.  She is running happy and pain-free at the Bridge while she waits for you with gratitude and love.
 
Sife, Wallace, The Loss of a Pet, 3rd edition, 11/2005
[link>http://tinyurl.com/yt34zt]http://tinyurl.com/yt34zt[/link][/size]

Thank you for the support!  It has been very difficult and I have been guilt-ridden.  I feel terrible for allowing her to be put down.  I guess my biggest concern is that we were there only for routine things; heartworm check and xrays.  I never expected that day was going to be so aweful.  The decision was out of the blue.  I just wish that I could have thought about it more; but then I may have prolonged it.  What I was unhappy about too was that the vet kept referring to her fear aggression.  I didn't want it to be about that, I wanted it to be about her not being in pain anymore.  The vet said that with her pain getting worse, her fear aggression would get worse.   Even though she was a great dog to our family; she didn't like other people...with her pain worsening, her fear would worsen too.  It's not easy and I will be at peace about it eventually; it was just unexpected that day and I hope it was in haste.  Thanks again for your time and effort in consoling me.  She was truely my best friend!!

Correction to my previous post: 
 
I hope that the decision was not made in haste that day... 

That is always a horrible and heart breaking decision to make   Our dogs can not speak up and tell us what they want.  It is up to us as "dog parents" to decide what is best and many times we try to do what our heart says instead of our head.  We have so much love for them and many times hang on to long.  I did that with my first Irish Setter.  He had an infection in his spine that didn't respond to antibiotics (I now suspect it was probably cancer) and I just wanted and hoped and prayed  and let him be in misery for a couple of weeks because i didn't want to let him go.  After that I promised i would never do that again and I haven't.  I think of the dog, not myself.  To keep them when they are in pain and it is getting worse and can't really be stopped...that isn't fair to them.  In your case it was not only physical pain with the hips, but also mental pain with the fear.  She could not be happy.  As hard as it seems, you did the right thing by her.
 
I know how your heart is breaking.  I lost my 12 year old golden retriever yesterday morning at 5:15.  He died in my arms with me telling him i loved him.  I know it isn't the same, but the pain is awful regardless.  Please just think about how much better off she is now.

I know exactly how you feel. I just had my 15 year old chow/husky mix put to sleep in December. It was very hard and I regreted it horribly for weeks. I still miss him all the time, of course. But now I realize that it's for the best. He wasn't enjoying life anymore and my reasons for wanting to keep him alive were mostly selfish.
She would not blame you. I would not worry about the fear aggression thing. The vet was more concerned about that; you were more concerned about her being in pain. If she was suffereing and her suffering would only get worse, you did the right thing for her. You didn't put her to sleep because she was aggressive. It'll take a while but eventually you will get over the guilt and uncertainty. []

I wanted to share a picture of Lilly...
 
 

Lilly is a beautiful girl - and please know in your heart of hearts that she's free and happy and running pain free and joyfully now.    You'll see her again some day and in meantime she'll be having fun with her idog friends who have gone before her.
 
It hurts so much, I know.   But to let one of our babies go to be out of pain is the highest form of love there is.

I just wanted to say I understand exactly how you are feeling. It is a terrible, terrible position you found yourself in and you did the best you could for Lily. You gave her a happy life and that showed in the fact that while she did not like and was fearful around others, she loved you and your family.
 
Lily sounds a lot like my dog Sam who I lost quite recently. And the feelings you are having - guilt, second guessing yourself, wishing you had done things differently and so on are exactly the same ones I had. Sam was also young, not quite 3 years old, and that hurts even more - that all the years you think you are going to have are taken away. But when I posted here about him someone said focus on the quality of the time you had with him and not the quantity. It took a while for that to sink it, but it did and it will for you to. I still miss him on a daily basis and the pain has not gone away nor will it, but it is beginning to change and it will for you as well.
 
You did one of the most unselfish things a person can. Doing what was best for her knowing it would hurt you shows just how much you loved Lily. Always remember that and know she is painfree now and at peace.
 
Take care and allow yourself the time to mourn.
 

BJW - there is a special pain that comes with a loss of one so young.  "why didn't I see" "what could I have done" "what if ..."
 
You can't change yesterday, and you went on the advice and counsel of a professional.  The vet's first gut response "I wouldn't want to live that way ..." was likely on target.  sometimes it's difficult for a vet to truly explain the pain an animal is in because they 'show' pain SO much differently than we do.  And a vet often feels if they really TELL you how badly the dog hurts then you'll think the vet thinks you're cruel.  So it's like they can't 'win' in how they say something like this.
 
Aggression can be an end in itself -- but when it's caused and fueled by pain it's doubly bad -- because very soon (like lightning) the dog can suddenly turn ON you -- unintentionally but it breaks hearts.
 
We took on a young pup who had been horribly abused three years ago.   Her abuser broke her back with a broom and left her for dead to starve.  Our hope when we took her was that we could get her on her feet with a little love and care and therapy ... we did for a short time, but her injuries were just TOO great.  She was with us for only 3 months and she had a stroke and died in our arms one night.  A blood clot probably lurking since she was injured.
 
THAT is the "easy" version. 
 
I carried this dog next to my heart for 3 months -- she couldn't walk -- I carried her outside and held her up while she elminated and gradually while she CRAWLED while she went.  "bonded"??  Oh my ... you can't even know what this dog meant to me (I've never been able to have children ... )
 
That last night I SAW her have that stroke.  The vet had cautioned us to try to keep her rotated 'up' so she was lying down but with her head 'up' (rather than lying on her side all the time).  I had just been pettng her and I rolled her up off the floor. 
 
Suddenly she gave me this look that chilled me to the bone, YANKED her head out of my hands and THREW herself on the floor **ker-thunk**. 
 
Frankly, I burst into tears and ran from the room asking my husband to check on her. WHY did she pull away from me like that? You would have thot I had hurt her or something
 
Moments later he came to get me and said "Honey something is VERY wrong with Polly -- I can't feel her heartbeat!"
 
We RACED for the e-vet.  I felt a very very weak but theady pulse and I just kept whispering to her "Polly darling, Mommy and Daddy love you so much but if you have to leave that's OK -- I'll see you at the Bridge but oh if you can hang on we're trying to get help".
 
She literally died the instant they took her from my arms. 
 
That "look" haunted me for months.  It was NOT my fault.  It was obviously when she 'had' the stroke and it probably hurt on some level and scared her. 
 
It took me a good while to come to grips with this and realize, not just in my brain but in my heart that it was NOT my fault and no where along the line did we fail her.  It was just plain the way things were.
 
Lilly didn't have to suffer a long long time.  Lilly didn't have to live with the pain, grief and hurt that would have accompanied her if she had lashed out at family.  YOU didn't have to live with the grief of seeing a loved one HURT (or worse) because you let a dog go too long who was in pain. 
 
On one hand we can think "should I have given her more time?"  But there's no magic way to know "too long".  But "too long" can result in such horrible things.  A bite in the face -- undue agony for a dog you don't really even SEE is in pain ...
 
You averted these things.  This is likely one of those things in life that you could debate forever BUT you averted potential true agony.  In a way it's unfortunate you didn't have more time to prepare.  But sometimes -- like ripping a bandage off fast -- it avoids worse pain and it allows healing to begin.
 
We understand and we feel for you.  Some of us understand more than others.  Don't beat yourself up.  You did the best you could do with the information at hand. 
 
NOW ... you will also want to evaluate (preferably in a long conversation with your spouse/significant other when you both feel like you can handle it) where you say "NEXT TIME I don't want to feel so ambushed.  Next time what do we do -- do we got for coffee and come back?  Do we take one night to think about it?  Do we go get a second opinion?  Or did we just plain do the right thing 100% and I just need to get over it?"
 
I don't think any trauma or hurt ever happens to us that we shouldn't walk away and turn around FROM THERE and look back and say "What should I have learned here?  What should I do different *next* time?  What should I have said that would now make me feel like I made a better decision?"
 
It's how those of us who are "older than dirt" learn to be proactive.  Wisdom unfrotunately comes as a result of learning the hard way.  I think you did the right thing -- but I also surely understand how you feel.
 
I would tell you to look back on the last few weeks and really THINK about  how she looked, the tension you may have felt in her fur and skin -- that may have said "I'm hurting more than you know".    My bet is that's probably where your peace lies.

I am very grateful to everyone here.  I#%92m sorry you all re-lived the pain of your own experiences to help ease my pain.  It is nice to have people who understand and can relate.  I have started the healing process but only with the help of everyone here; you have all helped to give me a sense of peace and I#%92m slowly realizing that it was the right decision.
 
Callie, I#%92m sorry for what you went through with your pup.  You have a big heart and you are a good person for taking such good care of her.  Thanks for taking the time in writing your post.  What you said “like ripping a bandage off fast -- it avoids worse pain and it allows healing to begin” what a light-bulb moment and it is so true.  If it didn#%92t happen that day, I would have been prolonging the inevitable.   
 
At the vets that day, Lilly was sedated from having her hips x-rayed and she was very groggy when we were with her during her last few minutes.  She was barely able to lift her head because of the sedation and with her eyes half-opened, she licked my face.  Without being fully out of her sedation, she wasn#%92t even aware what happened when she was euthanasid.  We left the vet, went home and I said to my husband that I needed to see her…we went back to the vets, they brought Lilly in the room on a stretcher covered with a blanket.  They said that she threw up, so she was wet from them cleaning her up for my viewing.  She looked at peace and I said a final good-bye as I pet her and held her paw.  I#%92m realizing that she had a peaceful death and isn#%92t that something we all hope to happen to ourselves when we go?