chelsea_b
I feel like a huge chunk of myself is gone, and every second of every day I'm getting more aware of it. Like there's some gaping wound that's just getting more and more obvious.. I don't know how to explain it
You explain it VERY well. You got used to sharing life, moment by moment with her. And then loving an animal that becomes **very** ill a whole different thing again ... because suddenly that "care" is now GONE. So learning to think your way thru the day ... without that is huge.
But you will learn *much* about yourself this way -- how you coped with stress, and tension ... how you shared the good and the bad. And yo will appreciate her in more ways than you know now.
But you'll also understand the purpose you gave **HER**. Because Cherokee *was* a difficult dog. You loved her. She loved you. BUT don't kid yourself -- she had more love and more life with *YOU* than she would have had with anyone. So Cherokee is up there beyond Rainbow Bridge telling anybuddy who will listen "HEY -- let me tell you how much MY GIRL loved **ME**!!!!"
But Chelsea -- that IS where the magic is -- that love we share with a dog, that makes US better. It makes *them* better too. And that's where we continue and go on to love other dogs.
None ever the same way. That's the hard thing for you to see right now. Don't let guilt get hold of you -- "only 11" ... nope, there wasn't any "Only" about Cherokee. It was chock full of love for you. Every single second of it.
The thing that really isn't 'fair' -- and that's not a sensible word to use -- is that they simply don't live as long as we do. But ... then again, I sometimes think that's simply becase **WE** have so darned much we have to learn (and they have the "love" think SO much better figured out than we mere humans) that somehow the Alpha of all Alphas realizes that it's often going to take many dogs to teach ME what I need to know in this life.
That's not trite -- it's true.
How "long" we have them? Chelsea, it doesn't matter -- it's NEVER enough. I've lost dogs that were 19, 21 ... and I lolost a dog who was only 8 months old and we'd only had her for 3 months. Every loss is different. Every single loss is unique. You never get "used" to it. But you do get better at dealing ... at learning HOW to grieve. At celebrating their lives and making darned sure you prize every single, solitary, SECOND of your time with them.
Because it's never enough.
When I lost Prissy she was almost 21 -- not only my "heart" dog but she was to me what Cherokee was to you -- critical, basic, like breathing. I lost Mike tha Dog when he was 11 -- had him since he was about 6 months old. He caught whips/hooks from a "visiting" dog we took in during a hurricane and because he was generally older, and had a history of allergies (and back then they gave dogs prednisone far far too much) those parasites tore thru him SO fast. We found it and treated but it was too late and the stress was too much for his body. Easier? No. Harder? That was when I realized it's ALL hard. It was ... "wrong" more than anything because I felt like I should somehow have been able to prevent it.
But ... I couldn't.
Muffin the Intrepid was only 8. And probably THE most talented, giving, incredibly personable dog who ever walked this earth. What he was for the children he did pet therapy with .... was unbelievable. A hole? You bet -- losing him altered our lives because we did such intense pet therapy with him ... sooo young, and yet in many ways he was such an old soul, and had done SO much in such a short life.
My point Chelsea -- every single solitary one of them is soooo different. What they do in the bond they form with us is so unique -- the wrench is different with each one we love.
And you know what -- that's as it should be.
Because I can't say it was "easier" losing one than another. I'm older, I've learned to deal better ... and with some I've been closer to than others. But there's always that unique one to miss and mourn. I can't say it was harder to lose Prissy than Muffin the Intrepid -- because they were such unique spirits. And each deserves their full measure of grief.
There could only have been Cherokee for you -- she filled such a completely unique place inside you ... she took care of you and taught you (and you will find in the coming years she 'taught' you more than you know).
Part of that empty place you will fill with memories.
Another thing you can do is write -- that was finally how I found solace after I lost Prissy - I would write her 'letters' -- things I would have told her if she'd been here, things she would have enjoyed seeing and doing. She's been gone 15 years and I can tell you I will **never** see a can of Pringles without thinking purely of her. (not that she got that many but she was convinced they were pure manna from Heaven).
Right now you are RAW. Sooo very very raw. And that will last for a while. But don't let yourself hole up -- don't get too hungry, too tired, too alone, or too ... anything. And talk -- even if you just email a few of us. It will help.
Take your time, Hon. The love was deep -- so the grief will be too. It's normal. If you had the type of bond you two had and you did *not* grieve I'd think there was something seriously wrong with you. Just keep moving forward ... eventually it will get easier.