My beloved bulldog Holly is gone

Still handing out hugs and (in a whisper) chocolate.
 

Pam - please don't apologize for continuing to post.  Many of us have been, and will be, in the same place as you and I know that I will have a very difficult time dealing with the loss and sadness.  There's absolutely no way to predict how deep the sadness will go or how long it will last.  Take your time and be kind to yourself.  Holly was a very special part of your life and losing her is just going to take some time to adjust to.  Know that you will though and for now, you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The clouds will break and you'll start to see sunshine one day soon though.  Until then, lean on the people who understand.  Not everyone does, but many people here do and we're always here to lean on.

No need to apologize - you can continue this thread as long as you need too!  I think if I had known about this forum when Lani passed I still would be posting in mine and that was 1 year, 7 months, 9 days, and 3-1/2 hours ago.  []
 
Please give your mom the benefit of a doubt.  I am sure she did not mean to make you feel alone in your grief.  As the mom to a soon to be 10yo I think it's just too hard to bear sometimes when you see your child hurting and nothing you do makes it better.  What she did wasn't right but it was understandable (at least to me). 
 
Cry, scream, curse (at least as much as Jamie will allow []) LOL.  That's what we are here for and we all understand.  It took a month before I could get my mind to concentrate on work almost to the level it was before.  It takes time to reach an acceptance of your loss. Reminds me of a line from a song "This killin' time is killing me".  
 
Just remember that even though you lost her physically, spiritually and emotionally she is still there with you.  You have a Holly-sized hole in your heart and life but she has a new adventure where she is healthy and whole.  In the far, far future you will be together again and that's something to hold on to - that joyous reunion at the Bridge!   
 
{{{{HUGS}}}} and warm wishes of healing to you.    

Today is a hard one.  Exactly one week now.  I relived the whole thing at the exact moment after I lit a candle.  Sobbing is an understatement.  God I miss her.
 
We are so upset that the bulldog rescue lady is bring Zeus over on Sat.  She says it will help us.  Zeus is 6 and has been in foster care for 1 year.  Nobody wants him.  
 
One small happy note is that after tracking down Hollys breeder, I discovered that our neice's dog is related to Holly.  AFter they fell in love with Holly, they went to Penn. and got a bullie.  I never knew till last nite, that he is Hollys cousin !  It was all the Angels doing, but I tracked down the original breeder of Hollys Dad today.  Found out he lived to 14 which is bittersweet cause I always beleived Holly would make it 13.  The woman was so sorry and put me at the top of the list for her next litter.  It gives me comfort to think of getting a cousin of Holly.

getting another pup is the best thing to do, when our bloodhound Oakie died last September 27 my husband and I both were absolutely devastated.  We both cried for days, and he is not a crier.  After a week we started looking for another one and we found Natchez. He was too young for us to bring home then but we got him Nov 12 he has been great for us both.  I am tearing up writing this because I still miss Oakie so much but having Natchez helps.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Thank you for posting the pics of Holly, she is a beautiful girl, and i love her brindling.  You can see what a personality she had.  Our Zoya passed away 1 1/2 years ago and I still can't talk about her without crying.  Take your time and grieve and talk to whoever you need to talk too.  I think everyone here understands and grieves with you.

Pam -- there's no need to apologize for regular posts about Holly and your grief.  It's only been a week; you're still in the most painful period of time.  I'm sure there are a lot of people (including me) who completely understand your need to express the feelings you're going through.  I'll bet there are a few people on this forum who are sick of me dwelling on Tonka's death, since I still talk about it six months later.
 
The "firsts" and "anniversaries" are all hard.  I marked each week after Tonka's death for a very long time, then the months.  In fact, yesterday was his 6 month anniversary.  And as much it makes me feel sad to say this, I wrote the date all day at work, yet the significance of it didn't hit me until I was drifting off to sleep last night.  I immediately got up and went to Tonka's ashes to tell him how much I missed him, and I looked outside for this particularly bright star that literally twinkles on certain nights outside our window.  I felt sad, yet comforted, to see it there, and I felt he was looking down on me.
 
Without a doubt, the nights are the worst - as you said, once lights are out and there's silence around you, then the hole in your heart is 1,000 times more apparent than it even is during the day.  As with Holly, Tonka was snuggled with us on the bed at night, so falling asleep without him is difficult, even all this time later.
 
Write, email, and post all you need.  There are plenty of sympathetic ears (eyes) here.  You're among friends.

Awe, bless your heart!
You can't imagine how a new pup will bring back the smiles.
Best Wishes!

I'll bet there are a few people on this forum who are sick of me dwelling on Tonka's death, since I still talk about it six months later.

Not a one of us and if there are, they haven't lost a beloved dog.  You and Pam can post away.  It's been several years, but if I'd have had this site when Jake was sick and passed away, you'd see many-many threads from me too.  That's what this particular thread is for and we all benefit from knowing others understand and feel the same way. 

The mornings are the absolute worse, then dinnertime.  Morning was our special love time and extricating my body from her snoring sound asleeping body against my legs.  Plus Red would wake up and jump up on the bed and start chewing his bone, trying to get us going, he was so happy. Bulldogs love to sleep and it was hard to rouse Holly up in the morning.  Plus I have to relive those final moments at 8:30 everyday.  Our happy mornings are shattered, now I get up at 6am and take a greiving Red for a hour walk.  Dinnertime is so hard.  I still change her water bowl.  Hollys fav pastime was eating and begging for food.  I couldn't open the fridge w/o her eagle ears hearing it and coming running "hey what are you eating?"  I see her sweet face looking up at me waiting for a morsel, and I always gave it.  I disagree with not giving people food.  It is the greatest joy for a dog to eat what you eat (in moderation).  TIme on the patio is excructiating too.  We sat there every nite reading books, she played muscial lounge chairs.  I realize now that I have no life outside of Holly and Red.  I kiss her photos, I talk to her  and pretend she is still here. I always sang a little song I made up on my way home "HollyGirl, HollyGirl".
 
Tracy - you take good care, thanks for your support offline.

Hollysmom... I did the same thing... singing songs to FeFe.  Only mine were really dumb ones that make absolutely no sense but the entire time I'd sing, she'd wag her tail and do a little dance.  I really wish I didn't know the pain you're going thru and anyone else that has recently been thru it. 

The 26th will be 4 months and every day that gets closer to that date, the more depressed I feel.  Every Sunday at 1:15 pm,  I relive the moment she took her last breath... for a while, it's all I thought about.  I'd shut my eyes and there it would be just as plain as day.  I have been writing journals since we found out she was sick last September... I was afraid of forgetting one little detail about her.  I still am.  And I agree with Tracy, nights are the worst.  When there's nothing but silence.  FeFe used to lean up against my back to go to sleep.  I always said I loved the way she did that, made me sleep better.  When she became sick and no longer comfortable in bed, we'd sleep on the couch.  When that didn't work anymore and she wanted to sleep on the floor, I'd sleep on the floor with her.  I miss her stinky kisses on my nose.  I miss the way she would proudly trot thru the house.  I miss seeing her laying on my clothes while I'm in the bathtub.  I could go on and on all night.

Another dog does help your spirit.  It doesn't take away the heartache.  But something you might notice with another, as I have since Trixie came to live with us, is she reminds me of FeFe in her younger days.  When she was full of life and mischief and that's what I imagine her to be now at the Rainbow Bridge.  She's not sick anymore and she's got her puppy body back.  I go outside to her grave and speak to her every morning & evening.  I feel sick if I don't go out to talk to her, even if it's raining... even if it's lightning (and I'm terrified of that) but I have to tell her I love & miss her.  My life has been changed forever because of her & her unconditional love. 

So keep writing... and no apologizing.  We're all here for you.

Missy

P.S. The photo under my username is FeFe... on our way back from Virginia Tech Vet Hospital after hearing the worst news of my life.  She loved looking out the window and I wanted to remember how I used to look at her thru the mirror in my vehicle when we were driving so I took that pic.  She was a photogenic little booger

Daily routines and habits are so ingrained for those of us who treat our dogs as family members.  Even after the most painful days of your grieving period have eased some, there will be lots of "little reminders," as you described.  Tonka's favorite activity was eating, and even though he rarely moved quickly, he'd make a beeline for your side if he heard even the tiniest sound involving food.  We were known to go into the pantry closet, close the door, and eat a couple crackers just so he wouldn't hear us! 
 
Even now, I still feel myself glance to my right when I'm eating any meal, as I expect to see Tonka sitting patiently watching me, waiting for the one bite I always saved him.  Whether I say it outloud or to myself, I automatically feel the same sentences on my lips:  "I know you're there, sweetheart.  Don't worry - Mom will save you the last bite of oatmeal" (or whatever food it was).  My body even instintively makes certain motions, like standing to the side of the cutting board when chopping veggies, since he was always right next to me, waiting for a crunchy carrot or cucumber slice.  I still get in bed and stay close to the edge - for too many years, I had to allow room for our 130+ pound bedwarmer to spread out.  And while I've never been a morning person, it's worse now -- I don't have a reason to get out of bed (I mean, other than to go earn a paycheck!).  DH goes to work way earlier than I do, and it just isn't necessary to get up when there's no one to talk to all morning, to hang out with me in the bathroom while I got ready, etc.
 
I guess it's the reason I stay on this forum too late at night -- I know I'll have trouble falling asleep thinking about him.  It's hard to let go of routines and habits, that's for sure.  For now, just focus on getting through one hour, one day at a time.  You'll find yourself in a little better frame of mind as more time goes on. 
 
Sending hugs to you!

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I've been having daily conversations wiht Holly's Dad's breeder.  Holly was in the  "Goomba" bulldog line.  Means "best Friend" in Italian.  She says Holly is with her  Goomba family.  Holly's dog Dad died recently. Jim says he sees her strolling around with other larger dogs.  THis makes sense as Holly was a runt 38 pounds compared to 50/60 pounders in the family.  Maybe its Tonka too.  There are no cats.  Even tho we had 4 great cats, Holly hated all of them, she was so jealous - so I'm not surprised about that. It makes sense that she is back with her family.
 
Bragg - I'm so sorry about Fefe - what a great pic of her.  Tracy - I remember I opened the freezer ever so slowwwwly to pull an ice cream out - NOT - she would come running and I had to share.  For a dog who was losing her hearing, she heard all food noises .  I always stopped the microwave before it "pinged" else she would wake out a sound sleep and come a running.  She taught Red how to beg, so I would have to share my icecream, whipped cream, everything with both of them - one for me, one for Holly, one for Red, one for etc..
 
Our bedroom is a time capsule, left the same way as 10 days ago. I can't bring myselft to vaccumm cause I don't want to lose her hairs.    Red has been in my closet with her blanket.  This morning, he was happier, displaying his old joy of waking up and jumping on the bed.  He even laid with Jim in bed for a while. 

Holly was in the "Goomba" bulldog line.

 
I love that!  I'm italian, so I know "Goomba" [].   I know that must help to hear that Holly is her dad and he and the big boys are looking out for her.  I know that if my time on earth were done, the first people I'd want to see would be my mom and dad.  What a wonderful thought.
 
This is always hardest on those of us left behind, isn't it?  It sounds like you're doing better though Pam and when the time is right, you'll be okay with dealing with the bedroom.  Until then, enjoy the comfort that it gives you.