Guilt phase of grief

I think for many of us who feel very deeply about our fur-friends, there is ONE dog who ultimately teaches us "how" to grieve.  Usually that one dog who loved us ENOUGH to love us simply because we were human.
 
For just a minute ... look at yourself as your dog did.  Tracy -- Tonka probably said to Foxy when he arrived "Do you happen to know if my human, Tracy, is still kicking herself over that darned ice cream??  I was too sick to enjoy it, and she was just trying to make sure I didn't HURT and I **know** the woman -- now she's all upset thinking she didn't give me the durned ice cream!  I'm a mastiff fur crying out loud ... I'm not s'posed to have it ANYWAY!  But that IS what I loved about her -- she was so good to me it hurt!  So tell me, Foxy boy ... did she say anything?  You know ALL the messageboard stuff.  Those fast little herder feets of yours typed all OVER the place!!"
 
Lucy -- don't agonize over the bath.  I honestly believe, that they 'see' us and know pretty much what's going on down here. 
 
Foxy KNEW (and remember, I lost him just last week!) that the weekend he was sick we had planned to go away.  Why?  To take Foxy and Luna to a set of Highland Games.  Not many allow dogs any more and FOXY LOVED THEM!  He loved bagpipe music more than you can imagine.  And David and I wanted him to have ONE more set of Games he went to.  We knew his time was short. 
 
He didn't get to go.  but I'm not gonna 'worry' him up there.  I'm pretty sure, as many ardent Scotsmen as there are, and as fond as Heaven is of "Amazing Grace" (which was written by a Scotsman, and sounds incredible played on the bagpipes) that Foxy probably has figured out where to go up there to hear pipe music.
 
Folks, I honestly don't give a rip whether anyone can 'prove' Rainbow Bridge to me or not ... the magic is in the believing. 
 
So take those painful "I didn't get to ...." things in your heart and pack them up with a prayer and ask for an angel to deliver them to your fur friend with an apology. 
 
Because they DO understand us.  Often, they understand US more than we understand them.  And they are ever so good at unconditional love.  They'd be pained if they thot you were wasting time feeling bad.  Instead, they'd want you to remember the GOOD times.  The treats shared, the balls thrown, the cuddles and snuffles given, the silly happy times.  Even the mischevious times.
 
When I was still grieving for my Prissy after SEVEN YEARS - I just could *not* put it to rest in my heart (she was nearly 21 when she reluctantly went over the Bridge).  And finally I sat down and wrote her a letter.  I poured out ALL the things that I wish I could have told her.  All the things I wish I could have expressed and said ... I typed them all out.  And as I poured my heart onto paper (it took me like TWO weeks to do this) -- I asked God to send the thoughts to her by angel.
 
I think He did.  truly -- and I believe that because I choose to.  My wonderful husband found it on the computer and made it a page on our website.  [linkhttp://www.critturs.com/prissy.html]http://www.critturs.com/prissy.html[/link]
 
AT first I was angry because it was private, but then I realized NO -- it was a testimony to her.  It was wonderful.  and I STILL read it and love her anew.  Many many years later.  And last week, as Foxy and I made our journey to Dr. B's -- I said to him, "Now Fox ... I know you have a LOT of friends you want to find ... (and I listed them).... but I wish you would do ME a favor .. pretty please go find Prissy for me and tell her I think of her still every day??  I think it is SO COOL you are gonna get to see her again -- and tell her all about all YOU did in pet therapy ... cos she was the first therapy dog in this family and she taught ME all about it.  Will ya do that Foxy??"
 
For all I know, folks, Foxy may still be trying to carry all your news to your loved ones.  He read I-Dog faithfully you know.  VERY faithfully.
 
*hugs*

Pam, Callie is here helping us all put things into perspective.  Once more you made me cry Callie.  I try so hard to believe in my heart that Brody and all of my past pets are up at rainbow bridge running free.  Just talking about being Scottish got me going as my family is Scottish and my brother plays the pipes as well as nephews that are in the bands.  Brody however never seemed to be too thrilled when they would get playing the pipes.  A little loud for him.  Brody liked all animals, well he did chase Sniffles are hamster once and I hope he wasn't lanning on eating him, which he never got the chance to do.  So perhaps he is up there with Lucy.  It is hard.  This is the only place that I would tell all about carting Bo with me to my Mom's (he always liked going there as she had lots of treats for him). Tracy, Brody is in my bedroom as well.  My husband has never asked what the little wooden box was from!!!!so you can tell that the dogs are (were) mine.  Some things are best unsaid .  He did actually attempt to post pictures of Brody on here after he passed, for me.  However, for some reason it did not work.  he loves me just not the dogs!   I too would of been devastated if my DH threw out the paw casting.  I remember way back when my DH (absentmindedly) threw out my daughters baby in the belly ultrasound picture.  Boy was I upset.  Geez, just thinking about that has me mad all over again.  Pam  I now find I am getting closer to my other dog, which was purchased 7 years ago for my children.  This because Bo was such a one person dog.  Of course I have always loved Brandy, just it is a different relationship.  Pam did you say you got another dog?  If that is right, enjoy her, love her. That is what Lucy would want.  I'm sure Brody is happy that Brandy and I am bonding more these days.  Oh yes, Tracy, Brandy is on EFA. and nothing seems to be working.  Thanks for the thoughts though.  Take care all.  Like my family keeps telling me.  Brody will always be with me, in my heart , and I have his memories and yes sometimes I smile when I think of our antics and other times I cry because well....it just isn't enough for me.  Cindy

Hi All

Yes, the source of a lot of my guilt came from getting another dog, a Basset Hound like Lucy, the day after she passed away. The odd thing was, my husband and I had talked about getting another  dog after a necessary grieving period for Lucy. We knew she wouldn't be with us much longer, but I felt that out of respect for her memory we should wait an xxxx number of days or weeks. I knew we could never 'replace' Lucy and didn't want to get a dog too soon to fill a void which couldn't be filled. However, my husband was searching around the internet the day after Lucy died and found a local military couple who had been reassigned overseas and were desparate to find a loving home for their 8-10 year old Basset. They simply couldn't take him with them. He emailed them first, then I emailed them with little hope of getting the dog. The ad was weeks old already.  Well, they emailed me back within hours, told me a little about the dog. They'd adopted him two years ago from the Humane Society who'd rescued him from an abusive situation in which he'd been imprisoned in a bathtub surrounded by chicken wire for the first part of his life. As a result of the abuse, he had a broken, protruding rib that had never healed, and walked with a slight limp. They'd not found a suitable home yet after having been to several interested people's homes.  I was literally taken aback. My Lucy had a protruding rib since birth. I am not one to believe in coincidences, seeing things as 'cosmic signs', much to my husband's dismay and (often) ridicule. I felt that this was no coincidence, that our dear, departed Lucy had a hand in 'sending' little Sarge to us. The couple drove out, checked us out, and sure enough we were the ones they were looking for. So, little Sarge has been with us since the day after Lucy passed away, two weeks ago today. He reminds us quite a lot of Lucy, has many of her quirky little habits, but is his own unique little soul, even so. His protruding rib is in the exact same place as Lucy's but on the opposite side of his chest. And the good thing is, their ad was wrong about his age. Our holistic vet gave Sarge a clean bill of health, telling us there was no way he was even 5 years old yet.  He is just one sweetheart of a dog, very vocal like Lucy, and dislikes our Alpha female, like Lucy, and hesitates going into a certain room of our house, just like Lucy.

Somehow, the hand of God was in all of this, but I don't mention it to my husband. He rolls his eyes....

We put our dog, Honey, down 2 years ago, on 3-5-04.  I recently looked at the pictures that DH took of her that day and she looks so sad on the couch.  There was no spark left in her eyes and she just didn't look happy.  It made me feel better, that we'd made the right decision.  She wasn't eating and was losing weight.  If she did try to eat, it just came right back up, poor thing.  It's never easy to make that decision, but I think she was telling us it was time, too.
 
We got another dog, about 6 weeks later.  That is our current dog, Jasmine.  We went to the shelter about once a week, while we were looking and petted lots of dogs, and looked at lots of dogs.  Then we saw Jasmine and that was it, because we wanted a cattle dog!
 
I know Honey "told" me that everything was okay, because a few times, after we put her down, I either heard nail clickies coming up the steps with me, or her collar tags jingling.  I did a google search on auditory hallucinations and found out this wasn't as odd as I thought it was.  It happens to other people, too.
 
So, we recently had the 2-year anniversary and we did think of Honey, on that day.  We still need to scatter some of her ashes at the nearby State Park.  It was her favorite place to hang out.  Now, it's Jasmine's and with warmer weather on the way, we should be getting out there one of these days!

"guilt" is easy because it's something to DO.  But it's also a mental decision, and just like getting a dog the day after you've lost one ... hang on a second -- what "time limit" IS appropriate?  Hmmm?  Let's answer that.  What set of rules shall we use?  7 days?  7 weeks?  7 months?
 
I'm reminded of a story I heard at church once.  A guy standing in the rain ... and someone comes by and says "hey - want an umbrella? I have an extra!"  And the guy says "Oh no, the Lord will save me!"
 
Next day it's still raining and the water is beginning to puddle ... and some one comes along with a bike and offers it to the guy and he again says "No, the Lord will save me!"
 
Next day the water's getting REALLY deep -- and some one rows by in a row boat and says 'Hey -- c'mon ... get in -- I'll take you where you need to go" and the guy says again "No, the lord will save me!"
 
Next day he's on the roof of a house clinging and someone comes by in a helicopter and says "Here, get in -- we'll help you" and he says "Oh no, the Lord will save me"
 
Next day, well ... he didn't make it and he's standing before St. Peter, and he's pretty disgruntled.  "Why didn't God save me!  I had faith1"
 
And St. Peter says well, gee whiz -- we sent an umbrella, a bike, a rowboart and a helicopter! What MORE help did you want?"
 
"help" is nebulous like "time".  How much time?  It's more the form the "help" and the "time" take that really trip us up.  See, maybe the dog 'held on' until that basset NEEDED a home desperately and then an angel or whoever communicates these things to the dogs knew it was time to go to the Bridge because "PHEW ... they won't have to be alone long 'cos Sarge will be there to take your place!!"
 
But if we decide in our human minds on some respectful time line we might miss that wonderful blessing of taking in that dog that really needs to be with us. 
 
Sometimes it's we humans who need to kick our selves (at least figuratively) in the bee-hind and say maybe it's not 'time' or a 'feeling' I need to be waiting for, but I just plain need to decide to do this. 

I didn't want to take a dog when we took Billy -- I'd lost THREE dogs in six months and frankly, folks, I was hurting in a BIG way.  But Foxy the MOstlie Sheltie told me in no uncertain terms he did NOT like being an "only" dog.  And yeah, we took him when we were looking and he, in very plain behaviors, told us Billy was the one to take home.  We liked Billy, and knew we could help him, but I honestly took my cue from Fox on that one.  (But I did think it was gonna sound pretty stupid to ever complain the dog made a bad decision!). 
 
Trusting yourself enough to let go of guilt isn't easy -- but it's important too.  Just take the help as you find it (and for heaven's sake don't miss that helicopter!) *grin*

I think we all understand what its like to loose a good pal after many years...  I hope that you are to feeling well soon and that there's lots of folks out here in "cyberspace" that understand too, and are here to help.

Callie your killin me today!! I can't take it. Thank you so much it's the greatest gift of all, is that the love of our dogs bought us all together to support each other.

I've been away from the computer for a couple days - just now catching up on these posts. 
 
Callie, as usual, you have the most wonderfully inspirational words and perspective.  It's true that death is awful for all of us left behind, and that we get hung up on things like missed ice cream, missed baths, etc.  And I think you're right about Tonka wishing I didn't worry or grieve so much about it all.  And I'm so grateful that Foxy was able to pass along everything that we've exchanged here on the boards.  I talk to Tonka often, telling him everything I want to tell him, but I may use your idea of a letter.  I could put it with the special collection of cards, emails, and I-dog posts that we received in his honor. 
 
I especially loved your words about not using a human definition of the "right time" before getting another dog.  Pam's story is proof to me that our angel dogs can lead another special pet right to our doors.  I'm so glad for you, Pam, that Sarge is healthy, and still young, with many happy years ahead with you.
 
Cindy and Callie, it was awesome to read your bagpiping references.  My husband and I love the pipes, and we have a number of CDs that we enjoy.  Neither of us are Scottish (we just wish we were!), but we visited Scotland a few years ago, and we fell in love with it.  In fact, for my husband's birthday this year, I had a friend do a painting for us that shows a castle and church where we stayed, and I had her include Tonka sitting in the foreground.  I had it done just when Tonka's health started to fail - and it is a treasure to look at.  He looks happy with the sheep and hills alongside him.  I hope there is a pastoral scene like that at the Bridge (hey, maybe Foxy could teach him a thing or two about herding those sheep!).

When I was reading your story, I felt like I was reading my own.  I know exactly what you are feeling.  I lost Champ, my 12 year old golden/shepard to cancer January 13th.  He had been losing weight for awhile and we just atributed it to being old.  He then started losing his hair.  The vet we brought him to, didn't find any mites, but treated him for 2 months for mange without any success (because he didn't have mange.).  A month later another vet found a mass on his abdomen.  We had him operated on, and his spleen and part of his liver was removed.  It was tested and we found he had hemangisarcoma.   The 2nd of January, we had a fire in our home, lost everything, including our toy poodle, Chelsea, a cat, Max, and 3 birds, because of my stupidity of leaving a box on the stove (even though I hadn't cooked on it).  All my surviving animals went to stay with my parents while we were ina hotel.  The next week we got a call that Champ wasn't doing well.  When we got there he couldn't even stand he was so week.  We had to put him to sleep that day.
 
I've lived with the guilt of causing the death of my babies, and not being there for Champs last days.  I had the same feelings as you.
 
It is so difficult.  People say you did the best you could, and know you love your animals, but its so hard.

Fancypants1, your story is heartbreaking - I'm so sorry for the terrible losses you and your family experienced.  I hope you are all finding strength each day to move forward.  As familiar as I am with unbearable grief (we had to euthanize our dog on January 17th), I cannot begin to imagine the awful emotions you must be trying to cope with right now.  My heart goes out to you. 
 
I think it's very hard to find a "silver lining" in your story, but perhaps if Champ wasn't going to survive the cancer, maybe it was better you were able to help him gently to the Bridge, with him knowing you were there in his last moments, instead of him being in the fire.  I know that doesn't help with the memory of your other pets who were in the fire.  I guess the only comforting thought I'd cling to is that your other ets kept each other company at the Bridge for a short time, while they waited to greet Champ just a week later.  He had a familiar welcoming committee, and they are happy together, waiting until they see you again someday.
 
Take care.

Folks, don't try to make 'sense' out of grief now.  That's why they call it a "process".  I'm ... well, lets be generous and call me "mature" (or not and call me an old f@rt! *grin*) -- but sometimes life just does that to us.  Sometimes it just hands us thing after thing after thing ... and it seems like you can't even take a breath before something else is knocking you down. 
 
But it's like a tree -- when it gets pushed and pushed by weather and wind -- the weak trees bend and break and cease to exist ... but the ones who give just enough to stay upright until tomorrow ... those grow stronger.  And sometimes we humans are like that -- we go thru adversity and we grow stronger.
 
But to try to ask 'why' -- honestly it's pointless.  Because sometimes we don't EVER learn 'why' ... but often later in life we can look back on those times and say "well, it made mes strong, and it made me compassionate."
 
fancypants to be coldly practical, the fact that so many of your friends (*and I remember when you posted this on the old board, but I'm ashamed to say I can't remember your name then*) - these friends got to go over the Bridge together -- they weren't alone.  They were there to help each other and that's not a bad thing. 
 
At a time when you'd lost everything, if you'd had ALL those animals you might not have been able to care for them, and that may have pushed you to the breaking point, and somewhere, somehow the Alpha of all Alpha's decided (because the days ARE planned) that he would let the friends stick together which might ultimately keep things manageable for you knowing what YOU would go thru. 
 
But Chance hung on to see you.  To take comfort from you (and I"m sure he was trying to give some as well) -- and I bet you don't know how hard he tried to hold on to see YOU again just because he wanted to tell you in your eyes once again 'Mom I love you SO much'. 
 
You WERE there.  You were there to give him the gift of no more suffering.  You gave him the most important gift of all - freedom from pain (and cancer like that IS painful).  Chance didn't see it as 'neglect' -- trust me, he saw it as "I gotta hang on to see her again ... she needs me".  You loved him and gave him release.  Don't feel badly about that. 
 
Yeah, we can only do what we CAN do.  And it's human nature to feel insufficient. 
 
But as you walk (and limp) away from such terrible loss, you will then have a deeper wisdom later on.  And that wisdom is going to take many forms -- either there will be practical things (like escape routes and a "plan" for fire) that you will make sure you have ... or you may have to do a reality check in future as to realistically how many animals you can really care for NOW.  (not that you couldn't care for them then ... but your life is different *now* and figuring out where to go from here is no small task).
 
But maybe, you will -- thru sharing your story -- be able to raise the awareness of other people.  People who say "gee, what if WE had a fire -- what would we do?  How would we get everyone out?  How would we get them all in vehicles and out of here?  Maybe we need to ________________".
 
Even if you were to volunteer at a school and send little kids home with a message to 'plan' -- out of your grief and sorrow, maybe you could save the life of a child or an adult. 
 
Sometimes the huge challenge is "How can I turn my grief into a positive thing -- what have I learned that I can share?  How can I help someone ELSE not have this happen?"
 
Just about every time I'm able to 'help' someone with a dog with mange, or a dog with arthritis, or a dog with some other health problem, I have to make myself remember the pain WE have gone thru learning those 'things'.  Nothing makes that initial, and very real 'pain' go away.  But you can at least make it COUNT by figuring out what you've 'learned' from it so you can help someone else somehow.
 
But please don't be hard on yourselves ... walking away from horrible grief and tragedy is never easy.  There's no timetable.  There's no rule anywhere that says "You have to do this ______________ within X days or you are a bad person" or "If you haven't helped someone within _________ months, you suck as a person". 
 
No way.  I've said it before in this thread, and I can't emphasize it enough ... it took me SEVEN YEARS to even begin to process my grief for my old Prissy.  And there has been a LOT of learning, and a LOT of sharing, and a LOT of dogs that have come in and out of my house since then.  It took me a while to learn it at first ... and altho it took me a while to get started (YEARS) ...once I did, it got easier and easier to walk thru it. 
 
I'm not encouraging anyone to take years -- just telling you no one should have no hope.  Just the fact that you're posting to a thread like this means you ARE seeking to process your grief.  And that, is the best first step of all.
 
 

First off I am so glad to have come across this site and am trying to catch up [] 
I think many of you have read my story about my angel Kayla.  Well I would like to mention a few things.  My husband wants to go to the pound tomorrow to get a new puppy, which I agreed to though secretly felt angry at him. Like, "how could you??" but I know that is rediculous and we should most certainly be giving another dog in need a better life.
 Reading the post about Dr Phil saying how long you grieve has nothing to do with how much you loved them ment a lot.   I want to be able to think of the good things (there were sooo many good things, actually ALL good, there is nothing bad - other than that shes gone) but of course this is taking great effort, and not completely working but Im trying. 
About keeping her things, I know I may sound strange but as you may know she died right inbetween us in bed while sleeping, and when she lost conciousness she peed in the bed (involuntarily).  Well, I know I am going to need to change those sheets soon, but this was only two days ago... so since then I refuse to change them and I sleep right there on top of the spot where she was.  It really does not smell at all, I just cant bring myself to do it yet, and I also sleep with one of her toys now.  The rest are with her. 
I truely feel no guilt, everything about her life with us was perfect right up to the way she passed, and thats what I need to concentrate on.
I cant wait to get her ashs back so I too can keep them with me wherever I go. 
 
 

Amy - I'm don't know if this will help much, but I am actually so envious of the life and even the passing you shared with Kayla.  I have 2 dogs I love very much and I don't want anything to happen to them but I know that one day, they will pass too and I only hope that they will live as long as Kayla and pass as peacefully as she did.  What a wonderful memory she left you with.
 
We lost our lab, Jake, to nasal cancer at age 8 and it took only a few months from diagnosis to the end, but it was so painful to watch.  He had good days, but he also had really horrible days and there was constant angst over was it the right time to say "good-bye" or not.  Prior to that, I lost my 7 y.o. cat after having her teeth cleaned (she never could recover from the anesthesia).  So - I'm really hoping that my 2 girls will live a long happy life like Kayla and I can be with them all the way to the bridge. 
 
Hugs to you and your husband and the next lucky dog to join your family [].

I also do have guilt that stays with me over the loss of my Candy almost 3 years ago. Although it does not plauge my thoughts as it used to; I think of her often and get a familiar pang in the bottom of my heart.
My guilt is probably one of the worst- for so long I belived in my heart it was my fault. Uneducation on my part killed my dog- in all basic knowledge.
She was 11 years old (a month shy of her 12th birthday) and she had Cushings Disease (auto-immune disorder that is a tumor in the pituitary gland in the brain caused by over-use of steriods). Her immune system did not function very well, and my dad had just lost his job so we were in a crunch for money.
 
The vet inside of Petsmart was very cheap and had very good hours, so we started taking her there. When November came, her annual vaccinations were due. I questioned the vet many times about giving her so many vaccinations at once- but the vet said "oh, it's okay she'll be just fine. She can handle it." That day she got a 7 in 1 vaccination, corona/giardia, bordatella, lymes, and the Proheart6 shot.
 
Only now I know that the company gets perks and kick-backs for every vaccination set and Proheart that they sell. Money was more important to them than an animal's life and Candy had to pay for it.
 
Within 2 weeks she went off of her food and we found her sunday morning under the couch seizing and paralyzed from the neck down. When she couldn't control her bowels and bladder anymore and looked shamed when peed on herself, I knew it was time to let her go. She went peacefully wrapped in her blanket, the one that she had since we first got her.
The vet did a necropsy on her, and her liver was sclerosized (is that a word) from an "unknown toxin"
She passed away the day before thanksgiving. Our family didn't have much to be thankful for. Every year on Thanksgiving I say a prayer for her.
 
Talk about how horrible I felt when I got online and found out that not only was Proheart dangerous but that the same vet's that I took her to was under investigation. Not only that, but people with Cushings dogs said that they never got their pets vaccinated.
I kept telling myself that if I didn't allow her to get all those vaccinations that she would still be alive. I don't know if it was the Proheart Shot, or just all of the shots in her little body that she couldn't fight off.
I still remember and will never forget when they put the needle in her to let her go and she struggled to get up and sit in my lap when she died. That makes me wonder if we had kept going that she would pull through.
 
But now I realize that all things happen for a reason; as well as the fact that my Daisy was born around November or December of 2003. I see Candy in Daisy's eyes every day.
The guilt will pass over time. Time heals the heart. And talking. Don't hesitate to let everybody know what your're feeling. It wasn't just a dog- it was a member of your family for many years.
 
 

Guilt is a normal part of grieving, I felt guilt over my husbands accident for a long time.  I would think if I hadn't been shopping, he wouldn't have been picking up our babysitter, ect.  My husband was killed along with our babysitter in 1989 on Good Friday and for a long time I felt guilt, but as the days, months and years go on you to will move on.  If not then I would highly recommend a grief counselor.  I have never lost a pet, except from old age and then it was easier to accept.