Guilt phase of grief

Lucy
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you will miss her. Try to remember the good times you had together, I'm sure your dog knew how much she was loved.
You can't blame yourself for things you didnt know. We all started out the same way. In life you learn as you go. Try to forgive yourself and move on. Remember all the good things you did for your dog. And the good times you had together.
Enjoy the new dog!! It is NOT horrible that you got another one. One never replaces the other, but it sure helps to keep you busy!
[sm=angel.gif] I'm sure your baby is running pain free and happy at the bridge now.

Yes.  Very much so.  The only thing you can do is repeat to yourself, that you did the best you knew at that time, and that you can't change the past.  It doesn't stop the guilt or the pain but it helps to get through it.  And just be there for your current furkids.  Give them daily hugs, pets, scratches and extra cookies every now and then.

Run free Lucy  [sm=angel.gif]

Thanks for the responses. I gave her a good life, when all is said and done. She knew I loved her. We formed a really strong bond near the end. I could swear I knew what she was thinking, which is how I knew when she was in so pain that I had to help her along in passing. In the last weeks before her death, I kept promising her that I'd give her a bath...she loved baths. However, with our bathtub on the second floor of our home and the fact that Lucy moaned in pain when she was lifted (and couldn't climb stairs by herself) I never did give her that last bath. It has caused me so much guilt that I have even dreamed about her begging me for that 'doggie bath.'

Oh Pam, I am so sorry. I am crying my eyes out for you. It's very normal as abnormal as it feels to go through these feelings.
You know that you loved her, and for the guilt I had w/ Princess I told her that I would do whatever I could humanly do to help and make sure every other doggie that touched my life, mine or someone elses or nobody's were treated humanly. And I do, so everytime I feel a pang, and I still do 7 years later, I love another dog.

How I wish none of us were a member of this club!  It's been one year and 3 months tomorrow from my Lani dog's passing and sometimes I still hurt and feel the guilt.  Maybe this website can help you - it helped me.
 
http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html

Thank you for the website link. That's a wonderful site and it mirrors the internal conversations I've been having with myself. My husband keeps telling me that I feel guilty for no reason, that Lucy might have lived for a few days or weeks longer, but those days would have been extremely painful for her...and forcing her through them would have been inhumane and cruel. And that if I had forced her to stay around any longer, then I would be feeling guilty over the cruelty of it all, too. So, essentially, no matter how it had happened, the guilt, for me, was inevitable. It's circular reasoning, at best, but that's how I tend to operate.  Even my mother (the source of my lifelong love affair with guilt) recently commented on  how odd it is that people fear death to the extent that they keep sick and dying loved ones hanging on with tubes and drugs, against their wishes, to a life wrought with pain and  suffering.

In the weeks before her death, I dreamed of Lucy speaking to me in a clear human voice, telling me that she would try to hold out as long as she could, if I would promise to pay close attention to her and to let her go (by helping her along) when she let me know it was time. I took the dream very seriously. 

It happened (in life) exactly that way. It there was ever an example of canine to human communication, that was it. Lucy looked at me square in the eye for many seconds, begging me to ease her pain, and waiting patiently for me to take the plunge and just do it.

The last few days of her life, we could tell her time was getting close. She was going downhill fast, having a really hard time breathing. My husband and I wasted little time, drove her to the overnight emergency vet, and I held her in my arms while she passed away. It was all very peaceful with Lucy dying in a dignified and effortless manner. At the time, I honestly felt like I was keeping that dream promise I made to her. Now, in many ways, I feel like that dream promise was just another case of my overactive imagination at work.

It helps to know that others go through this too. It is my sense of guilt that helps me to know that I am a caring, yet quite unevolved, human.

 I know she had a great life with you and she was obviously loved so much.  The only thing that will help these feelings is time.  But, please try to be at peace with your decision.  You did the right thing and it is what she wanted and was ready for.  You did not imagine it, she DID tell you. 
 
I was watching Dr. Phil at work not long ago and the topic was death.  He made a statement to a woman that has sort of stuck with me.  It went something like "how long we grieve is not a reflection of how much we loved".   I thought of that when I read your feeling horrible for getting another dog so soon after her death.  Just because you did that, does not mean you loved her any less than if you hadnt. 
 
Run free at the bridge, Lucy [sm=angel.gif]

(This is my first attempt at posting on this new format, so I hope I'm doing this right).
 
Pam, I can totally relate to how you're feeling.  For some of us, guilt is a larger part of grieving (my husband doesn't struggle with that at all).  It's been 7 weeks since we had to help our precious boy to the Bridge, and I'm still struggling with all the difficult emotions:  sadness, loneliness, regret, and guilt.  I play over in my mind all the things that happened since his health started failing last year, and I constantly think we should've done things differently, seen different vets, tried different solutions, etc.  Even though we knew he was not going to recover, I still wonder if we should've waited a bit longer before bringing him for that final vet visit.  And yes, it's awful to think of the "wrong" things we did his first 2 years of life regarding feeding and vaccinations before we became better educated about such issues.
 
As for your comment about not being able to give Lucy a bath like you promised, I have a similar thing that makes me cry whenever I think of it.  In Tonka's final days, we bought some special ice cream so we could give him his favorite treat before he left us.  But it turned out that the decision to bring him to the vet occured under somewhat panicky circumstances, and the whole process kind of took on a life of its own, so we never gave him his ice cream (truthfully, he might not have been able to eat it, as he was not able to swallow or breathe easily that last evening, but I will never forgive myself for not letting him try.  He LOVED ice cream). 
 
I, too, feel so bad that I complained in front of him of the extra work involved in his final weeks -- extra cleaning, cooking, washing, etc.  I knew this would eventually haunt me, because as I was complaining about it, I'd say to him, "I know you can't help it buddy, and I know I will miss doing all this work when you're gone . . . I'm sorry I'm griping."
 
Even if we know in our heads that we did all we could and that our furbabies were blessed to have devoted parents like us, if our personalities are the type to feel a lot of guilt, then my guess is there's nothing we can do but hope it lessens as time goes on.  For now, I just have to get through days like I had yesterday, when I just sit with Tonka's toys and things, and tearfully tell him (out loud) how sorry I am we couldn't help him more, that we didn't make his final moments the best they could've been, and that I love him and miss him so very much. 
 
My heart goes out to you.  You're not alone in working through such difficult emotions.  Take care.

I really do not like the new sight.  I never did like change.  Tracy so nice to hear from you again.  I too was lost for awhile to get logged back in and able to send messages and still can't access our other sight that talks of our beloved Tonka, Shadow and Brody.  Pam I am so sorry.  I am here to say that I understand what you are going through.  My best friend and heart dog Brody died on Jan. 14.  I have felt lost ever since.  I miss him so much and constantly stare at photos of him and still at times sleep with his collar in my hand on my bad days.  I still touch his fur I clipped from him shortly before he died.  I even went so far as to take him to my Mom's  last weekend, a 3 hour trip away, of course in his little box.  I'm sure my family thinks I am crazy, but they kindly do not say anything at all.  They know I grieve hard and long.  Family life here has carried on and I ask my teen children, "Don't you miss Brody?" And they just say "Yes Mom, but he is gone".  I still tear up. I do not think that I will ever get over the guilt.  From the old sight I tell of how I feel I rushed things and yes the day took over a life of its own.  Today I am sick with strep throat and Bo always went everywhere with me, my Buddy.  It was like he new when I was sick and he would just lay by my side all day.  I still have another dog, Brandy.  She is an allergy dog and giving me much grief right now.  Things just aren't the same.  I hope that we can all get through this tough time somehow.  May peace be with you, Cindy  

Thank you all so much for the responses, and the stories that sound so much like mine. I have gone through all of Lucy's things and put them inside a wood box. Everything still has her smell on them, as stinky as she often was, and I want to keep that smell in suspended animation for as long as I can. She had a darling little leather jacket that she loved to wear. It stinks to high heaven, but I am going to keep it just like it is. Her collar and ID tag too. There's even some Lucy landmines in our yard that I hate to pick up because she made them! God, that sounds so stupid. I've spent a lot of time in the last two weeks writing down everything I can remember about her....so that I will never forget a single thing, and put all those notes in the box as well. 

I'm sure my guilt will subside with time, but like others here, it is my guilt that helps me know that I am alive. How odd is that? My husband is very practical. Sometimes he almost seems cold, but he always straightens out my skewed way of thinking.  He loved Lucy and she loved him too, but Lucy was much closer to me.  Every day I cry some, and it's beginning to get on his nerves a bit.

Our other dogs definitely help with my grieving and guilt. Like my husband, they have seemed to move on, to forget her. In a way, I take this rather offensively, like they (husband included) never really loved Lucy at all. And then I have to stop myself from assigning human qualities to them.

In any case, thank you all. Maybe the acceptance phase of grief is just around the corner.

All I can say is I'm so sorry for your loss.  ... it's so hard to loose a best friend.  You're in my thoughts that this should pass quickly and that you'll enjoy the wonderful memories that you have of her.
 
Best wishes.

lucybass,
 
I can relate to your emotions also. I still feel the guilt for having to make that decision for my boy on Jan 12th, 06. It is a natural part of healing. Just know what you did for your Lucy, was the kindest act of love rather than seeing her suffer greatly. I also think of my boy often and mourn for him. I shut down last night because my DH and not Dear, threw away a casting of a paw print that I had made of my boy before he left me. I was so devastated that I shut down, curled into a tight ball clutching his Urn trying to remember what his fur smelled like, what his body felt like and his pads against my skin. DH got mad at me because I was so upset over the whole ordeal. He DID NOT understand the full extent of what he did. To him it was just an animal. Not to me. None of my fur kids are animals to me. They mean more to me than my worldly possessions. I said to him he had no right to throw that away and secondly how dare he turn it around to be about HIM.
Anyway, you will have good days and bad days. Most of all, just remember her for the dog she was, the joy and laughter she brought to your heart and soul. And lastly, always remember you gave her the best life she could possibly have had. Hugs to you my friend. I know what you are going through. In time the pain will subside but will never really go away. You will always have her memories imprinted on your heart.

Pam, you're not the only one who is embracing the "stinky" things as long as possible.  I, too, had a hard time picking up the last poop that Tonka left in the yard only a couple hours before he died.  And I still haven't washed his blankets, pillow case, or the clothes I had on that night.  Sadly, his scent has dissipated from all of them, but there are some slobber/food traces left.  The other day I was cleaning the old couch he used to lie on (yes, he had his own couch).  I pulled out the cushions to vacuum under them, and I found a spot where he left a sizable amount of saliva and drool that dried between the cushions.  As gross as it sounds, I spent a long time smelling the cushions, as it smelled exactly like him, and nothing in the house smells like that anymore.  I showed it to my husband, and he thought I was nuts.  He loved Tonka very deeply, but he gets a bit tired of my extended mourning. 
 
Cindy, good to hear from you again, too.  I don't think it's weird that you carry Bo around with you - I bring Tonka's ashes into different rooms where the sun is, and yesterday I opened the blinds higher in our bedroom (where he usually is) so he could see the rare sight of snow falling outside.  Off topic, Cindy -- I don't know what you're dealing with regarding the allergies, but something that helped Tonka when he had serious bouts of itchy skin, licking paws, etc. was some heavy doses of Essential Fatty Acids supplements.  In addition to the improved diet we fed him, those supplements really helped a lot.  I happened to use a brand called Animal Essentials from Merritt Natural in California.
 
Finally, Angel, I would be devastated by the loss of the paw casting!  I'm so sorry that happened.  Was it an accident that your husband threw it away?  I don't know if I could get past that if it was intentional.  Each of us defines what is sentimental and valuable to us, and we can't be faulted for that.  How heartbreaking to lose something so special and irreplaceable to you.  I know all these things are just symbols of our lost loved ones, but they are important to us nonetheless.

Hi everyone--
I realize I'm writing from a nearly 3-year perspective, but I have to say that there are days when I cry for Kina. I loved her so. And I love her so. And all of the gardening and planting I did that summer (I felt better outside, in the sun, much like she did) never really eased the grief. She died June 2 and I never thought she would go then.
 
I, too, loved more than any "objects" around. I would turn down dates and other fun times so that I could spend time with her, and this was throughout her whole life.
 
I feel your pain and the grief does lessen over time. The missing her has yet to do so.