Online Communities = Support vs. Enabling

You know what?  You are absolutely right.  Sometimes the hard truth tellers get smacked around, but I know for myself that I expect it when I'm blunt.  It's a shame though.

I see it too but I see it "in real life" as well.  The example that comes to mind the quickest was this girl I knew in college who had anorexia so bad she looked worse than a concentration camp survivor and could have a heart attack at any moment.  Her friends were apparently in denial and actually dealing with it was too uncomfortable so instead they tried to shelter her from any one else trying to intervene.  Eventually there was an intervention but it did not come from her family or her close friends, which disturbs me to this day.

There are many times online and "IRL" that I want to speak up but personally I try to not give unsolicited advice so I hold my tongue.

As far as this being a dog board, the clubs I train with and the events I enter are not "private", anyone is welcome to come watch our training or competition so as I've always said if any person seriously has a problem with how I train or treat my dogs they are welcome to come see for themselves and myself and my TD are open to suggestions and critiques.

KarissaKS

a fine line between online communities offering support to their members vs. enabling bad decisions/choices/behavior

It is a VERY fine line -- and typically one puncturated FAR more by how something is said than by WHAT is said.

KarissaKS

Life is not all fairies and rainbows.

Nope it's surely not -- but a point made with sarcasm or a hammer is typically going to make someone angry and it's likely going to be completely ignored by the person in question. 

Unfortunately the original poster is often someone who IS angry and "slander" (good word by the way) may result.  It's like in an argument -- if you say nasty things those words a LEFT IN THE AIR FOREVER.  They can never be drawn back into your mouth.  Their effect may long long outlive the argument and whatever was said in anger.  The damage may linger or intensify.

My point is -- the error is made on both sides. 

The original poster who vents about a loved one or friend or even neighbor or whatever -- ALL that is known about that situation is what they offer.  No one has a magic window to see inside their home or lives so everyone is forced to come to their own conclusions (which when not clouded by anger or hurt may be either more clear, or less informed!!)  But again -- if they call attention to another person's lack or insensitivity, or forget to clarify that THEY were the one who forgot, left, started it, or whatever the instant assumption may go badly for the other person.  (Maybe the original poster just doesn't want to admit to themselves that they WERE somewhat 'wrong';).

Often those with constructive criticism would do VERY well to learn that if you sandwich an ounce of criticism between two half-pounds of understanding or positive remarks or praise then that criticism becomes FAR more palatable.  But trying to make your point with any sort of negativity is likely just plain going to be ignored.    You see ALL THE TIME people try to "wake someone up" with sarcasm or harsh words. 

YOU may feel better for venting that point in such a succinct and witty manner, but it's probably going to get you ignored and/or hated (or at the least flamed).  Getting into a p*ssing match online over which response is more accurate or clear usually helps not one soul. 

People are only helped when they approach the whole thing with an open mind and are amenable to accepting what is said.  If they aren't then the whole thing just becomes a vent.  Kind of a waste of byte space in my mind.

A teacher I had once pretty well summed it up "If you can't say something nice about someone -- maybe you should not say that thing at all.  Or say it a different way.  Think before you speak.  Once you say a thing or put it on paper and someone's eyes or ears perceive it -- you can't call it back.  It's there.  Forever."

 This isn't a phenomenon exclusive to online communities. How often do "real life" friends react positively when you point out an uncomfortable truth?

There is some truth in what you are saying BUT the bigger truth, IMO, is that it is damn near impossible to really know what someone else is going thru based on their posts.  Yes, you are saying you are responding to the info provided but digging a little deeper often reveals stuff the poster didn't reveal because they assumed everyone knew or for some other reason.  I was very quick to judge people when I first joined this board but now I would rather offer my support or if I really have an issue with someone, I will take it private.  Maybe just to try and help them with something or maybe I want clarification on a few things.  I've done that with some people and found out WAY more than was posted.

Part of being in an online commutity is that some people you feel drawn toward and others, not so much.  Same as anywhere but I personally try to not be so quick to make judgements.  I don't always succeed but for me, I will try and offer my viewpoint in a way a person can accept rather than hurl my opinion like a weapon.

I'm so glad that this post was moved to a forum that nobody goes to so that it can be hidden away and die......

KarissaKS

I'm so glad that this post was moved to a forum that nobody goes to so that it can be hidden away and die......

LOL I know I wondered where it went b/c I was interested in the responses.  I had to go in your profile to find the thread...

This is not the appropriate area for this thread.  It is a DISCUSSION, not a comment directed towards this board.

**CONTENT REMOVED** Attacking behavior

Edited by Jaime

KarissaKS

I'm so glad that this post was moved to a forum that nobody goes to so that it can be hidden away and die......

What's up with that?. I'd like to see some more responses too.  I found it by looking at "my discussions".  Well, I guess we four or five could sit around and debate and argue the heck out of the topic but I have to get back work, carry on without me. 

I see that a mod has edited my post above, but has not bothered to address our questions as to why this thread was moved.

You know, why was it moved? I don't see any reason why this needs to be here vs NDR.

Back on topic. To answer your question, I don't see anything different here than I do out in the real world. Just a different platform. Here though you can almost predict who is going to say what. Some people seem to think that just because your saying it here and not to someone's face, that it allows them more license to be bitchy and nasty and brutal. It does not, and it makes your true colors glow most brilliantly. I avoid saying anything to those people directly, because they don't matter to me and mine and I refuse to waste a good mad on them.

Now.

I have a neighbor, she is my emotional vampire. She has so much "woe is me" that she sucks the happiness out of me in 2 min flat. I have let this go on for some time, my fault, she is my friend, but I was a bad bad friend.

But not anymore.

You see,  I quit with the pity party, I no longer spend oodles of time listening to her slop, and that is just what it is. She lives for pity drama and the constant I need people to feel sorry for me, cause it's all out be me me me me me. I don't feel sorry for her anymore and I recently told her so. I had taken a huge step back. To the point that I finally had to tell her why I did it. She still tries but I argue and give her all kinds of grief when she starts. I go home if it continues. I personally don't have time for the chicken littles of this world.

Now, I flat out told her the decision was heir's, I would stay her friend, love her as the fantastic friend she is, but I could no longer deal with the constant darkness she surrounds herself with. I am happy to report that she and I are still friends, but we have guidelines on certain things that are very strict from my end.

Now, my point, sorry it took so long to get here.

Now, if she asks me my advice, I will give it and I will listen and help weigh the pro's and con's, but I do this because she is my friend, and this is going to take place face to face. But in the end it is her decision, not mine.

Your talking about advice, and opinions offered where asked, but given in a matter where you cannot even look the person in the eye. You have no clue if your hearing the truth or not. You listen because your polite enough or nose enough to, and you offer advice based on what you would do and how you feel, if that person does not take the advice you offered, walk away. Why waste your time continuing the drama. And do not participate if the advice is asked for again, in other words, why waste your breath and get all worked up over it?

This post was moved because it pertains directly to this community, stemming from a situation that should have been between a member and an Admin.

If members have questions about edits...they have been instructed to contact a moderator.

Actual answers to questions on edits...will be addressed in private...as it should be. It is disrespectful to both member and moderator to discuss discipline publicly. That is the case in nearly every facet of life.

The thread was moved since this topic was an underlying issue of moderating, which is a issue of how we are doing/forum/community.

Please feel free to continue to discuss the topic but please keep in mind that name calling and attcking is not tolerated on the forum.

Jaime

A lot of people just cannot handle the truth. They want people to feel bad for them - they want that pity vote. I see it a lot on here, and 'IRL'. People are so cautious about what they say - so they don't offend anyone. but you know what? I'd rather be offended and find a way to FIX the problem, rather than have everyone skirt around the truth to 'make me feel better'.

I'm overly honest - and I try to hold my tounge, because most people do not appreciate it. I tell it like it is - and I honestly expect that others do the same for me. By not throwing it all out there - no options for improvment are given.

I think this is a really good post - lots of interesting perspectives to be given.