So what do we want here?

You, and others were red inked because you were off topic. I repeatedly asked that things remain on topic..which was "why was this thread locked?"...a question really only I could answer since I locked it. Just wanted to clarify that.

Gina, I got that.  I'm starting this thread based on the fact that if I want to voice my cheesed-off-ness with this situation, I need to start a new thread.  No problem from me on why I got red inked.

lol well i agree with you totally. if you put it out in public then you obviously want some feed back. but i do say dont give advice unless its asked for.
and i also say... dont flame people for their replies.... which has happened to me on occasion..... that really chaps my butt. I am not the OP, i am only relaying my own experience, and have left out a lot of detail, and yet some butt head will come up say something stupid, take the thread off topic and leave me defending myself... no i dont have to, but i do NOT like being shamed in public when someone has no clue about the whole story.

i say if you have a gripe with someone..... and want to offer advice even if it isnt asked for.... then send them a PM. be brave..... dont worry, they cant hurt you.... its only the internet after all..... but STOP making examples of people in public!
thats JUST like the teacher picking the guy in the back of the class who he KNOWS isnt paying attention and making him do long division on the black board in front of everyone. he hasnt got a clue... he doesnt know what he's doing, the teacher knows he doesnt know.... but he makes him the class example. he mortifies him in front of everyone which lowers self esteem which also makes it ok for OTHERS to do the same to him, which eventually leads to school shootings.... Cause and Effect.. look it up.
people really ARE that crazy! no you shouldnt feel responcible if what you said to someone on a thread hurts their feelings and results in them doing something stupid.... like try to kill themselves.... i have seen that. yes... i have. someone i knew very well was trashed in a public forum and they felt depressed and useless, worthless.... weak minded yes... but they took it to heart.

just... be nice.
i for one am sick and tired of seeing these threads come up about how to be nice and civil, and everyone agrees, and yet a week later someone else gets mauled and leaves because they were flamed.... when are we going to practice what we preach?

There is people with good heart but they do the things for the wrong reasons, if we just kiss their butt we encourage them to keep doing it, IF people read that person's past posts they will know what we know, therefore realize that we are not just talking because we want make someone mad, people, RESEARCH and then express your opinion

ORIGINAL: DumDog

but STOP making examples of people in public!
thats JUST like the teacher picking the guy in the back of the class who he KNOWS isnt paying attention and making him do long division on the black board in front of everyone. he hasnt got a clue... he doesnt know what he's doing, the teacher knows he doesnt know.... but he makes him the class example. he mortifies him in front of everyone which lowers self esteem which also makes it ok for OTHERS to do the same to him, which eventually leads to school shootings.... Cause and Effect.. look it up.
people really ARE that crazy! no you shouldnt feel responcible if what you said to someone on a thread hurts their feelings and results in them doing something stupid.... like try to kill themselves.... i have seen that. yes... i have. someone i knew very well was trashed in a public forum and they felt depressed and useless, worthless.... weak minded yes... but they took it to heart.

just... be nice.
i for one am sick and tired of seeing these threads come up about how to be nice and civil, and everyone agrees, and yet a week later someone else gets mauled and leaves because they were flamed.... when are we going to practice what we preach?

But do you know why teachers do this?  They do it for those kids who are too scared to admit that they also have the same problems...and exercises like that are done so that everyone has the benefit of the lesson, even if they don't have the guts to raise their hand.  Extrapolate that to an internet forum - and I really do think that these discussions serve a useful purpose for the lurkers that visit here, who may see themselves in what is posted, but who did not feel safe enough to share the same thing here.
 
I do not agree that we should all temper our responses and walk on eggshells on the off chance that someone we talk straight to is going to run out and kill themselves.  I agree that responses should be straight, and should remain respectful of that person as a human being - and I didn't see any of that missing from yesterday's thread.  I saw people who were expressing concern for the situation, and also a bit of frustration based on past posts - but not in a way that made her wrong for who she is as a person. 

Granted, there is a way to make an example of something for a group to see in a way that doesn't shame them...and I did NOT see any shaming present in Ratsicles' thread yesterday...please do point out where you saw anyone shaming her and if I missed something I WILL acknowledge it. 

Don't worry, you'll leave eventually and I'll be here to start a thread about it when you do! [sm=evilfire.gif]

Maybe this isn't a good analogy but I always think of how careful you have to be when a good friend is venting about their spouse or SO.  They're going on and on and the minute you step in to agree, they become defensive and sometimes even angry with you.  I learned that when I was very young, but I learned it by being the venting party [].  When I chat with my best friend and we grouse about our spouses, we both know it's okay to say "ugh, I know what you mean" but it's never okay to say anything like "what a jerk!"  I guess sometimes when people post the stuff about their pets and the struggles they're going thru, they just want to vent and really don't want feedback.  It's hard not to bite the bait when your heart's breaking for the animals that are suffering while they try to figure it out, but when you step back and realize that not only is the person not asking for advice, they're not likely to take it, then it's best just to keep quiet.  For me, that meant not viewing that thread once it got going.  It was just too upsetting but I knew that there wasn't anything I could offer that was likely going to change anything.
 
I do admire your tenacity Gina and your heart is in the right place but sometimes we have to accept that no matter how much we may want to help, we can't.

ORIGINAL: Jewlieee

Don't worry, you'll leave eventually and I'll be here to start a thread about it when you do! [sm=evilfire.gif]

(Edited because Jewilee clarified her post...but I like my doggy so I keep him!)

ORIGINAL: espencer

IF people read that person's past posts they will know what we know, therefore realize that we are not just talking because we want make someone mad, people, RESEARCH and then express your opinion

I'm not sure I agree with this and I think it's one reason the posts get off topic.  I think you view each thread individually and address the issues raised.  Researching the poster's entire body of work will invariably take you off topic and "personalize" your responses.  If you're ticked off about what somebody said last December in the training section, you're more likely to go off on them when they post pics of their kids in the NDR section.  I also think that researching old posts before you respond to a current post is kinda creepy......

Hopefully you realized that I was kidding. I haven't been involved in any of the heated debates going on around here lately.
 
I was just trying to lighten the mood because the last line of your first post made me laugh "
 

  Oh...and guess what... I AM NOT LEAVING THE BOARD....so neener neener! 

Gina (g33 Gina), I agree with you in that as a general rule, people should think about what they post, especially really personal stuff.  At least with this forum, we can edit posts at any time.  On another web community/forum I belong to, you only have 60 minutes to edit and it's set in stone.  One of the writers for that website wrote an article about a study I did in East Africa and it was front page on the website (like 50,000 members).  Then other websites that are always linking local news items picked it up and cross-posted it.  The article linked my full name and my username by listing them both in the opening sentence.  If I type my full name into any search engine, every single hit is legit (I'm the only one in the world with my name) and the first 2 pages of this refer back to that article, back to that forum.  So, basically anyone who knows my first and last name can get to over 11,000 of my posts over a period of 5 years.  Luckily, I made it a habit right away to never post anything I wouldn't share publicly in person.  My husband and a few of my best friends frequent that forum, so I can't make up dirt about people and get away with it.  Now that my real name and username are linked, I'm glad I kept a lot of personal comments or heated comments to myself, lest a future boss go Googling my name before a job interview.  I have since changed my username (b/c the old one I used everywhere was kinda long).  I use this current username for every forum and blog I make, and it is my name.  I have nothing to hide.  I am who I am, online and in "real life".  I try to post nothing that I wouldn't mind my mom reading, and if it's a post about her, then it should be nothing I wouldn't or haven't already said to her face.  I don't like it when people go digging up dirt, but the reality is that if you don't want to get yourself in a pickle for that stuff, don't post it.  My personal experience (being in marketing and web development) is that if it's something you would care if a future boss read, don't post it.

That being said, it's up to individuals to decide that for themselves.  I don't agree with making examples out of certain people and certain posts b/c we can't assume that they regret posting the things they did or doing the things they posted about.  Just take it as a good opportunity to reflect on our own posting and keep ourselves in check.

(edited for spelling/clarity)

But do you know why teachers do this? They do it for those kids who are too scared to admit that they also have the same problems...and exercises like that are done so that everyone has the benefit of the lesson, even if they don't have the guts to raise their hand.

 
I don't think so.  When a teacher sees a student not paying attention and calls on him to answer or come to the front and work a problem, he/she is definitely trying to shame the student.  For some, that might not be a big deal, but for some students, that can be mortifying and have dire consequences.  I don't think a wise teacher employs that strategy very often with students that they know are struggling in any way.  Just my 2 cents []

ORIGINAL: Jewlieee

Hopefully you realized that I was kidding. I haven't been involved in any of the heated debates going on around here lately.

I was just trying to lighten the mood because the last line of your first post made me laugh "

  Oh...and guess what... I AM NOT LEAVING THE BOARD....so neener neener! 

 
Ooops, no, I did not realize that you were kidding!  I will edit my response (but I will keep my fireman dog in there!) 
 
Thank you for clarifying that. 

Honestly, what is wrong with everyone lately?  It seems like almost every thread turns nasty.  Haven't we all made mistakes and bad decisions in our lives?  You can only try to help someone so much, but eventually they will do what they want anyway, no matter what anyone says.  You can't bend people to your will, they have to learn themselves.  Unfortunate, but true.