"Children should sleep with parents until they are five"

Trust me, I do not judge anyone who wishes to co-sleep. It is totally their perogative. I just know how utterly exhausted my SIL looked and totally defeated and incapable of dealing with getting her kids to sleep. This was while we were all on vacation last summer. And she was literally in tears every night because she just was so exhausted. It just made me realize that no matter what I could not do that to myself because I am a much better mother to my kids when they sleep and when I sleep. And they are in a much better mood too. But I know that this method works very well some people and I am happy it works. I just know it doesn't for me.

 When we went camping a couple weekends ago my girls went to bed with no problems.  I brought out Kelci's pack n'play, which is what she sleeps in at home, and Kali helped me set up her bed on a mat beside Kelci's bed.  I rolled out my sleeping bag and showed them both where I would be sleeping and then we played all day long.  At bedtime, both of my girls went to bed, no crying, no complaining.

My friend, who rocks her little boy to sleep everynight, spent 3 hours the first night walking him up and down the road, trying to get him to go to sleep.  3 HOURS!  Her and her husband almost went home!  Poor Liam didn't go to sleep till almost 11.  He slept later than my girls sure, but only by an hour and he woke up cranky.  I still firmly believe a child needs to be trained to sleep on their own.  Les and Trev kept looking at me and saying how lucky I was...I felt lucky at that point.

What if Mom has to be hospitalized?  What if Grandma takes him overnight?  What if you want to stay up and watch a movie?  Ya, I'd go crazy if I had to deal with my kids from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to sleep.  I need my couple hours at night to regroup!   And they love their pink room. hehe.

 I guess it's in how you do it. Joey was there in bed with us at night, but spent a lot of time away from me during the day. He had no problem hanging out with other people, whether it was daddy, grandparents, nursery attendants, whatever - for hours and even a day or so at various times.

Like I said, he's a very independent, confident child, while my first boy who never even wanted to be held as a baby, now borders on clingy.

 Yep, I think it's all in how you do it. 

I know PLENTY of people who put their baby to sleep in a cot and spent hours each night rocking the baby, or pacing the floor, trying to get him/her to sleep.  It doesn't make me go "Oh, putting the baby in a cot - that;s not for me!  Look what those poor parents have to put up with!"

It's not the fault of the sleeping arrangement in most cases.... it's the temperament/personality of the child, combined with how consistent the parents are willing and able to be, IMO.  Making a decision to co-sleep is not a decision to never go out for dinner with your SO, to go to bed at the same time as your kids (or have them stay up as late as you) and to create unwanted sleep associations.  Sleeping with my DH hasn't given HIM sleep issues, and him sleeping with me hasn't given ME sleep issues.  If anything, he probably wishes I'd spent more time in a family bed as a youngster, maybe then I wouldn't flail around so much.....

 I really don't think its the same thing Chuffy.  Men and women traditionally sleep in the same bed for a totally different reason than a mother and child.  And FWIW, after sleeping in the same bed as Tyler for 4 years, I find it absurdly hard to fall asleep now, alone.  Not that I mind, but I'm old enough to reason it out on my own.  A 15 month old isn't capable of that.

Sleeping in the same bed is a commitment.  You really do have to be consistant with it.  The same as getting a child to sleep in a crib.  If you're gonna do it, do it.  I guess I don't understand how a baby that has slept with their parents for say, 3 months, every night, would easily adapt to a night at Grandma's.  I know that I can put my kids to bed wherever we are. I also know that if I were to get a babysitter, they would also be able to get my kids to bed.  Gives me peace of mind.  I would hate to give that up.

Honestly, its not about me being against it.  I just don't understand how it works, unless you intend to give up any freedom at night.

 I have been thinking about this a lot, and I think that you are right - flexibility needs to be maintained! 

So what I THINK I would do, is have a crib next to my bed for the baby to sleep in, until *I* go to bed.  Then, when I go to bed, I would do a dream feed and allow the baby to sleep in the bed with me.  I would also put the child to sleep in the cot for a nap/s during the day.  Then, should co-sleeping become impossible for any reason, the child is already accustomed to sleeping (and eventually, FALLING asleep) in a crib/cot. I imagine this may also make transitioning to a big boys bed easier too.

If the child HAS his own bed, and uses it occasionally, then the transition to his own bed from the family need need not be traumatic - he simply uses it more when he is ready, and gradually uses mums bed less.  Rather like with weaning - between 6 months to a year he still gets most of his nutrition from milk.  At first he experiments with food and doesn't rely on it for nutrients.  But he is not still relying on milk in his teens, and this happens without parents MAKING him eat solids.... just like with crawling, walking, talking, children become able to do these things (manage solid food, sleep alone) given time and opportunity.

About staying at grandparents - my elder sister has vivid memories of sleeping over at HER grandmas and Nan always used to let her sleep in the same bed as her, but this was when she was older - like, 4-5 yrs.

That's all so true, Chuffy.  I think sometimes that parents, especially first time parents, let themselves get overly stressed by things like starting solids, weaning, toilet training, sleeping alone, pacifiers etc. and really, it all happens in its own good time. I decided years ago that I wasn't going to worry about any of that stuff unless I read about someone denied admssion to their college of choice because they weren't weaned or toilet trained or I saw a picture in the paper of someone standing at the altar on his wedding day with a pacifier plugged into his mouth.

Joyce

huskymom

I guess I don't understand how a baby that has slept with their parents for say, 3 months, every night, would easily adapt to a night at Grandma's.  I know that I can put my kids to bed wherever we are

 Joe's personality was such that I think sleeping with us actually gave him the confidence to sleep anywhere. Pj was the one who needed the special blankie, stuffed animals, preferably the same bed, and the little rituals with mom and dad, to sleep comfortably. Joe just curls up when he gets tired. He doesn't even need a kiss goodnight.

I agree that it's a personality thing, both on the part of the parents and the kids. For me it was convenience for us to let Joe sleep with us. I didn't attach any emotional thing to it, and I don't think he did either.

I agree that parents stress too much about the effect that their choices will have in shaping their kids' future behavior and personalities. The first solid food that Joe ate was french fries - literally, before he even had cereal. He never ate that instant cereal stuff - he started eating "real" food at three months old. I let him eat anything he had a mind to, and he's grown up to be a real nut for healthy stuff like fruits and veggies, soups, cheeses, milk, etc. It's more important to model good eating than to force kids to eat good stuff or try to trick them into it, I think.

Same with sleeping habits. Where and how we sleep is less important to our kids, than the fact that the kids have a consistent bedtime, and so do we for that matter.

I think a kid can get used to ANY ritual, be it the crib or the parent's bed.  I know a dog is not comparable to a child, but I see the same issues with dogs that have "rituals" for being put in a crate the same way, same time, and same place every time and then the dog cannot settle or sleep in any other environment.  My dogs travel with me all over and will crash anywhere.  My friend and I sometimes ride to training together and her dog will whine and spin in his crate for over an hour because it's a different routine, having me and my crates in the car, meanwhile my dog hops in his crate, turns once, and is out until we pull up to the training facility.  I expect my dogs to simply crash if they are tired, whether that is their crate at home, a crate in someone's car, a pen at someone else's house, in my lap on the couch, at my feet in the kitchen...whatever.  So I hope when I have a kid I can change it up a bit, so if the kid is tired, he sleeps, simple as that.  I do agree with Angelique that I see a lot of new parents (since I am at that age where everyone I know is on their first or second kid) are forcing themselves to do this or that either because someone told them it was "right" or because they are projecting their own emotional issues onto their child.  To me, sleep is sleep.  I used to nanny and I have nannied for babes as young as 4 weeks.  I will put them in their crib, on the floor, in a pop-up crib, in their car seat, in their swing, in their bouncy seat, or on my chest and in general if that kid ishealthy, fed, and tired, he will sleep where he is put without all the extra fussing and routines.

brookcove

  The first solid food that Joe ate was french fries - literally, before he even had cereal.

You are obviously a more diligent mom than I was. Liam's first solid food was Gainesburger w/cheese. When I saw him eating out of the dog's dish I figured he was trying to tell me he was ready for solids.

Joyce

Liesje

I know a dog is not comparable to a child

In this context I believe this is untrue, and therefore your observations on this are 100% valid IMO!

Just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for some awesome input on this

That said, I think SOME routine is important.  I used LOTS of "rituals" with Will, and have since read that they are often known as "sleep cues".  As long as SOME of the sleep cues are present and he is tired and comfortable -  he sleeps.  The time of day, the place he is put, soft music, dim lights, talking in low voices, having  a bath, cleaning his teeth, having a drink of warm milk.....   I only have to tick perhaps two or three of those boxes and he is out like a light.  This is just what worked for us.  I believe it would work with co-sleeping as well, so that if the kid has to have a cot for a couple of nights, or if you decide to move him out of the big bed for some reason - well, you provide some of the other cues and they ease the transition until you get back to normal agai... or until sleeping in the new place becomes the norm.  Bit like bringing a new puppy home with some familiar food and bedding.... in fact, no, not a BIT like.... EXACTLY like.

 You make valid points Chuffy, you too, Lies. 

I think I have put enough variety into my kids bedtimes that sleeping anywhere is likely due to that, and not that they sleep alone.  I just never thought of it that way.  It makes sense though.  

fuzzy_dogs_mom

You are obviously a more diligent mom than I was. Liam's first solid food was Gainesburger w/cheese. When I saw him eating out of the dog's dish I figured he was trying to tell me he was ready for solids.

Joyce

Joyce - ROFLMBO!!!

sharismom

fuzzy_dogs_mom

You are obviously a more diligent mom than I was. Liam's first solid food was Gainesburger w/cheese. When I saw him eating out of the dog's dish I figured he was trying to tell me he was ready for solids.

Joyce

Joyce - ROFLMBO!!!

This made me giggle... my niece used to do this too.  In fact, her parents used to sit her in her high chair and give her some food and she would mess about with it and cry and push it away, so they dumped it in the dog dish, cleaned her up and let her get down and play.  As soon as she saw Buster head towards his dish and eat, she'd join him and try to pick bits out of his bowl.... dog food and all.