Making new friends...(VM)

I can totally relate.  Just about 4 years ago we moved to Milwaukee for my job.  The environment there sounds exactly what you are describing.  I too really couldn't hang out with people from my work since I was for the most part, their superior and again inappropriate.  For about 8 months we were on our own, and I know exactly what you are going through.  We finally met a couple watching a baseball playoff game (Yankess/Red Sox).  They are actually from NY, NY and were going through the same thing we were - to this day even though we moved home about 6 months, they are our best friends.

One suggestion I have is hang out in touristy areas maybe - or see if there is a relocation department with the Chamber of Commerce that has intro classes/seminars things like that??  Usually people new to an area see all of that stuff - you may be able to meet a couple that is going through the same thing you are.  I totally feel for you.  I know how lonely it can feel, I used to cry all the time.  {{{HUGS}}}

 It sounds like you are doing 'all the right things' and so far it just hasn't worked.  Making new friends as an adult IS very difficult.  We kind of lucked out here in NC because the people across the street became good friends pretty early on.  But other than them we just didn't know anyone and since I am working from home and DH wasn't working we just didn't meet a lot of people.  My best friend here I met by chance walking one day - then they got a golden the same month we got Bugsy and the dogs sort of sealed the deal.  Another good friend I met golfing.

Are there any people that are in the groups you've joined that you like enough to invite over for a meal?  I find that going out for a meal or having someone in your home for a meal can change 'nice to meet you' to a more friendly situation.

May be there is a group for adoptive parents or soon to be adoptive parents?  I have envied people with kids because they meet and get involved with other parents through school or teams etc.

I am a natural introvert so I have no idea why I've responded to this  

I wish you luck and energy to keep at it - I know too well how awful it is to not have close friends.  I really never had a close friend in the nearly 7 yrs I was in the UK.  I hated that but never met anyone that I really wanted to hang out with.

Could you get a neighbor to help you organize a neighborhood pot-luck? My street does this two or three times during the summer and whenever somebody new moves in.  It really helps people to get to know each other.

Joyce

No advice here, I'm probably the opposite.  DH and I joke that I can only handle 5 friends at a time.  Two of my friends I've known since we were 4 years old (one is here in town, the other not anymore).  My BFF I met in HS and we went to college and roomed together until I got married and she moved to DC for an internship and then got into law school there.  Another friend I've had since sixth grade.  She went to a different college in Canada and has lived in different countries since but she pops in every once in a while and it's like nothing has every changed.  My fifth best friend I met in college and ironically is the cousin of my Canadian friend.  I was working the job I still have but at the time was fixing a printer in her office.  I was wearing a U2 concert shirt that's older than I am and it caught her eye b/c she's a huge U2 fan.  My other best friends are within a year of me in age but she is about 10 years older and has two kids but we've done a lot together in the past few years and I consider her in the "best friends" category.  I do things with other people but find it hard to pursue them as far as making more close friends.  I'm content with my five even though four of them live far away and we rarely see each other.  I'm too fiercely loyal, to a fault I think.  DH is always complaining about how he has no friends unless he's hanging out with my friends or acquaintances.  I've always been a pretty independent person.  Also the nature of my job is such that often when I get off work I just want to lie down with a pillow on my face, lol!  I've made many new acquaintances lately through dog activities but so far they haven't really been part of my life in any other capacity.  It's funny b/c unlike DH I am perfectly comfortable going on a road trip to a dog show or U2 concert with a new person or couple I've never even met before, stay in a tent or hotel with them all weekend, but they just aren't my close friends.  I think I compartmentalize things quite a bit, so I have my U2 groupie friends, my dog show friends, some random people I've met through work, and my five BEST friends.

Give the agility a little more time before you discount finding friends there.  One of the reasons I got into agility was because I wanted to make new friends.  I'd been stuck in the horse world for so many years and did have some close friends there, but I was sick of the catty behavior at shows and certain training barns in my area.

I had a small beginner agility class -- there were five of us and we didn't say hardly two words to each other throughout those six weeks.  I couldn't have told you the names of the other handlers to save my life!  The Golden Retriever and Luke were the top dogs in the class, so by the last night we started to chat a little.  Still didn't know her name, though!

We were the only two that moved up into the next level of classes during the next session and that's when we started to really talk -- since we didn't know anyone else in the large group!  We had similar goals and decided to start taking private lessons together.  That's when I finally learned that her name was Kristi.  lol

The people in the higher levels were also more friendly & chatty (and less scared!!!!) than the people from beginner agility -- this is something that I continued to see as I began to teach.  Beginners are just plain scared out of their minds for some reason (I was too, so it's not a dig).  The more you progress, the more you have in common with the other people in the class.

You really start to form bonds when you start to trial.  You can travel together to away trials to save money -- spending a weekend in a hotel room with someone lets you get to know each other really well!  You'll also make friends with people from other areas at trials.  You can almost always find someone to go out to dinner with after the first day and that's a lot of fun!

It sounds like you are already the type of person to step up to the plate and do the inviting, so that is great!  I'm more the type to sit and wait to be invited -- that doesn't get you anywhere fast and it's something I work on regularly.

Be friendly and open -- eventually others will open up to you!  We are very clique-y up here in the north for some reason.  It's sometimes hard to get into a group -- but once you're in, you are in!

I don't make new friends easily and I also can't socialize much with the people I work with.  I just wanted to say that I would love to be friends with you based on what I know of you on this forum and you will meet someone and I hope it's soon so you will have a good gal pal.  Like they always say, when you least expect something, that's when you find what you were looking for.

Hugs

I have no advice as I'm in a similiar situation.  I've lived in NH for a year now (little over) and don't have anyone I can chat with outside of work.  I lived in VT for a couple of years and made some pals at least.  Of my old group of pals in MA (where I am originally from) I keep in touch with one (I grew apart with the others - not that I had many to begin with!).  I don't make friends easily (painfully shy!) - but I am starting to feel very very alone and isolated.  I love my SO, he's definitively my dearest friend - but I like having girl friends to talk to, hang out with and socialize.  Even if it's just a night in with cards and coffee! 

Then again I work in a small office with one other girl near my age, but she has a young daughter and we're not really the hanging out type of buddies.  Outside of that my hobbies tend to be solitary.  I am trying to arrange my own dog groups for outdoor activities but no takers yet on that one. 

Part of the problem for me is that a lot of the people that I do meet still like to hang out at the bar on the weekend and I just don't really care for it anymore. Every once in a while I might feel like going out, but I don't like the smoke or the noise and I don't like being hung over the next day, I mean, if I'm going out to a bar or nightclub, I'm drinking!

I see people posting on Craigslist seeking friendship, but I don't know about that. I think meeting people who have dogs and are interested in play dates, etc. is the best way to go. I can't be friends with non-animal people. Call me crazy, I just don't get people who don't like animals.......

I completely understand -- and I don't think you're being "needy."  It's human nature to want some companionship now and then (and a spouse or SO isn't enough -- not for me, anyway).  We moved to Oregon right after we got married, and I was not prepared for the emotional issues it created for me.  It was true culture shock (from CT to Oregon?  We may as well have moved to Mars). 

This area is exactly as you described -- people already have their solid social groups because the majority of them grew up here and have family and lifelong friends.  To this day, when we're included in some activity with all "natives," I still feel like an outsider.  Not because they make me feel that way - just because I'm aware of how different I am, in speech, in manner, in attitudes, etc..  In the workplace, people aren't always as social - partly due to the older age group of some offices I've worked in.  And, without children, we aren't part of the activities that arise from school or neighborhood playgroups, etc.  When we got our dog, that opened a few doors, just because we tended to chat with people in the dog park, or neighbors would stop to pet him, etc. 

The interesting thing is that of the few good friends we've made (after living here for 15+ years), they are almost all transplants, too.  I think we've gravitated towards each other due to similar culture shock and/or loneliness.  One couple we met because I spotted his New England Patriots jersey from across a field at the dog park, and I literally ran after him to see where he was from.  When he said "Connecticut," I just about fell to my knees and wept!  We made dinner plans shortly after and went on to share holidays, etc., until they got a job transfer to Florida. 

We have several "acquaintances," due to neighborhood BBQ's, some work connections, etc., but I wouldn't call them good, solid friends (like the ones I've had for years from CT).  I've learned to accept that while I can enjoy some basic social interaction with some people we've met here, I'll never feel like I'm deeply connected to them like I do to people back home.  I guess some level of loneliness is just part of life for some of us when we move to different areas.  What I try to do now is keep very active with whatever comes my way -- taking a ceramics class, a line-dancing class (where I met a woman who is now a movie companion), volunteering at our local animal shelter, etc.  Through all those things, I can spend time with friendly people to pass some enjoyable hours, even if they aren't as soul-satisfying as an aftenoon with my oldest or dearest friends so far away.

I guess I don't have any advice -- I'm just rambling on, because your post triggered something I continue to deal with, even after all this time.  I hope you feel better about it soon -- it's not a good feeling, I know.

I have jsut the opposite "proble": by the time we have been in a new town a week, I knw at least ten people! DH always says the CIA missed out on a great spy when they overlooked me.  I can find out anything about anyone and make friends with anyone!

Make up some mini loaves of banana bread or brownines or cookies or whatever you're good at.  Take them to the neighbors around you.  I suspect at least ONE house has somebody in it that you have something in common with.

Also, dogs are great ice breakers. I have met many good friends because of Gypsy. People stop me to ask about her, or she is DYING to visit with the baby in the stroller.  A conversation gets started this way.

Good luck--it WILL happen!

I kind of understand. I think it's the effect of maybe a smaller town. Many of my co-workers grew up in this rural county so they don't see the value of going to hs reunions. My graduating class (Berkner 1982, in Richardson, Tx) was 821 and the student population then was 2,000. Most of the people I work with didn't have even 800 students in the school. Their senior classes were more like 50 to 100 and most of the people stayed in the area, some because they had family farms. And some of those people are just going to be like that. They tolerate you but since you weren't part of the sandbox set, you'll always be an outsider. Thank goodness for the internet, where you can feel close with someone on the other side of the world.

ron2

They tolerate you but since you weren't part of the sandbox set, you'll always be an outsider. Thank goodness for the internet, where you can feel close with someone on the other side of the world.

That's my experience too, although DH is part of the sandbox set. We've lived here for 3 years and I don't have any friends, there are acquaintances from dog training, but I think I just don't have a lot in common with most folks here my age. They are either married with 3 kids or single and still partying like they are 18. Sometimes, I wish there was someone to go to a movie with or shop with, but I think I've learned I am more of a loner.

My best friends are my sisters (both in VA), my cousin (in TX), one friend from childhood (who is also in VA), and my college roommates who are in Dallas, Denver, Columbus, and NYC. We see each other as much as our schedules allow, but everyone is busy and working long hours. I think part of it is the pace of the world we live in. Everyone I know is working 12-16 hours a day, so nobody has time for social stuff except maybe once every few weeks.
 

 but I think I just don't have a lot in common with most folks here my age.

Don't let age be a determining factor in your friendships!!  I'm 29 and some of my closest friends are in their 40's.  My good friend from agility just turned 23.  There is no rule saying that you must be friends with people your own age -- life isn't high school, you know. 

KarissaKS

  There is no rule saying that you must be friends with people your own age -- life isn't high school, you know. 

Absolutely!!  Of course when you're 15 you're not going to pick a 5 yr. old or a 25 yr. old for a best friend,  but once everyone reaches adulthood, those age differences just fall away. You might find you have much more in common with someone 10 to 15 yrs. older or younger than you than with someone your own age.

Joyce