Rant..good vibes needed plz(huskymom)

I know how you feel. Although I do not have kids Ben makes this house look like we have 10! He thinks that because I work part time and go to school that I should be able to get everything done. His excuse is "I pay the bills and I work." What the hell do you think I do? No I don't pay all the bills but I do the grocery shopping and help pay the bills when I can, I am putting myself through school with no help from my parents or the state, just loans but they only cover a quarter of my tuition per mod.

Ben will only do anything if it involves being outside. Even then, the lawn hasn't been mowed in a month, there is still no plastic on the windows or insulation on the basement door, there's boxes from LAST Christmas on the porch that still havn't been taken care of...ugh.

Every so often I have a mental crash and cry and cry. He get's the hint, but only for one day then it's off to doing whatever else is better than helping me out around the house. He does take the dog for more rides and visits than I do but I always use that time the both of them are gone to get housework done.

Oops! Look at me on my day off: better start cleaning!

Candace, I do know how it is. I think a lot of women on this board know just how you feel. Not all men are lazy jerks, but they do have their moments don't they? Do something for you. I can hear you now saying "I don't have time to do something for me." But do your best to make the time. When DH gets home run out the door and head to a coffee shop where you can enjoy some caffeen and maybe start a good book. Or just go window shopping or meet with some friends to rant. I usually go to the store and buy baking ingredients and bake my butt off! The good part about that is BF dosn't care for sweets.

I'm sorry that you have had a sucky day and I know that all the support and advice above will help.

How was your cookie and bath?   ((( hug )))

Gosh I'm glad I'm not the only one to make up a chore sheet for DH and I lol.  Seriously though, sitting down and going over *everything* that needs to be done and at what frequency has really helped get things done more efficiently and with waaay less strife.

When DH and I sat down, we listed all the household tasks, "his" and "mine", and then redistributed them more evenly, paying specific attention to things we hated/liked doing more.  Occasionally I have to remind him to do something, but things have really settled out in the past month since we moved into our rental house from the small apartment we were in prior.

Another thought: I have been telling myself I need to pull out "Don't Shoot the Dog" again and actually work up a "training plan" for DH on the few remaining things that drive me crazy.  I'm conciously trying to treat the behavior modification I want to do with his habits like I would for a new critter: positive reinforcement for good behavior, ignore or redirect the bad unless it's life threatening (like leaving dangerous items within dog reach).  It's on its way to reducing my stress, so perhaps thinking about your situation with a dog trainer's veiw vs. a tired wife's might be helpful??

Well sweetie, I am so sorry you are having one of those weeks!  Ron's suggestion is the best to start with, tell BF you need a spa night and plan it, he takes the kids away or to the other end of the house and Mommy is off limits.   Get a glass of your fav wine (if you drink wine) pour your bath put some smell good oils (I like Wild Chamomile or lavender) or yummy smell good bubble bath.  Turn off the lights, light a candle, put on your favorite tunes (soft and relaxing)  and soak.  Now that is the best way to unwind, however; it does not solve your problems.

My hubby is disabled but functional, he is home all the time, I do most everything anyway.  Our kids are grown but I have 2 dogs and him basically 3 kids.  He now does most the cooking but I work full time and do most everything else on nights and weekends.  My sweet hubby was not very handy before disability and is definately not now.   I have my days,  but choose to let it slide.  My daughter and I are very close and she calls me with this same kind of rant occasionally.  I always tell her to take a deep breath, and think of the positives in her life.  She has 3 kids and your story sounds very familiar.   Just getting things off her chest usually helps, she calls me before she blows up so she can "bite her tongue" which by the way is also the hardest thing she has learned to do.  Sometimes life has a tendency to get away from us.   A good cry, a good rant or an amazing piece of chocolate can often help.  One thing we have to do is sort it all out.  Unfortunately men are just little boys, they need to be praised, pampered, coerced, led by the hand, egos boosted etc.  They are typically all the same to some degree.  Where as most women carry the weight of the world around us, on our shoulders.   As much as we would love the perfect man who thinks on his own, sees what needs to be done and does it, throws in an extra bonus once in a while, that pretty much doesnt happen in real life.......  I love my hubby of 22 years with all my heart but, whew, he wears me out sometimes...   soooo take that deep breath, regroup, give your kids a hug, walk the dogs and start all over again.

huskymom

Chuffy, at this point, I don't care if he feels ashamed or unappreciated.  He should feel ashamed. 

This is your anger speaking... Objectivly: why "should" he feel ashamed?  He did what everyone has probably been advising YOU to do - take some time out for himself and get some well earned rest.

The truth is, the shame won't make a long term difference to his behaviour and that's what COUNTS - that he starts pulling his weight.  He doesn't have to feel bad about it in order to do it and in fact if he feels bad about he is less LIKELY to do it. 

I'm not defending him and I do sympathise with you - honest! - but the thing is most of us are women here and mens brains are built differently to ours.   They are just a different breed. 

Call me Mrs Manipulative, but there is an alterior motive - as far as I am concerned, men are like dogs... soft words, consistency and heartfelt praise tend to go further - and take less out of YOU - than nagging or "corrections". 

No real advice from me, I've been on my own for over 10 years now, my son moved out a year or so ago, so it's me, Bear and two cats.  As long as I feed the critters on time, nobody really cares how clean the house is or isn't.  But, being alone, stuff doesn't really get dirty any more.

Candace, you've got 3 kids, 2 of whom are under the age of three.  And you've got two high-energy dogs.  And you work.  The rest of the crap will still be there tomorrow.  Do a little at a time.  Perfection is highly overrated!

And, men just don't see the world through the same eyes as we do...

Candace I don't have any kids so I can't imagine how much work you have to do with no help.  I am married to a great guy but.... he was raised and spoiled by his Mom and most of the housework and yardword used to be done by me.  I have managed over the years (34 of them) to get him to do certain specific things.  This was the only way to get him to share the chores.  I made a list of everything I did and everything he did.  His list was quite short at that time.  Now he does the vaccum and he cleans the bathrooms.  He has to mow the yard (small yard) and take out the trash and unload the dishwasher.  It isn't really an even division but it's the best I have managed.  I wish I knew how to make you feel better but I don't.  What women do well is listen to each other and show they care.  I haven't read any of the other responses but I would bet money that all say the same basic thing.  We wish we could change things for you and we care about you and you will be fine.  Men are so NOT the stronger sex.

Believe me, you are not alone. I've been in such a funk lately because of the same thing. I do all the housework, shopping, and just about everything with Willa. He complains because he has to watch her in the morning and he doesn't have any "free time" anymore. Hello! I have even less - zero. I ask him why he doesn't help out around the house and he's like, "Because that's the way it's always been." Uh, well it's NOT the same now!

So yeah, I'm totally not helping. But your post got me going. I think we need to have a selfish man intervention.

sharismom

Candace, you've got 3 kids, 2 of whom are under the age of three.  And you've got two high-energy dogs.  And you work.  The rest of the crap will still be there tomorrow.  Do a little at a time.  Perfection is highly overrated!

Tina said it much better than I can! 

((((Hugs))))