Rant..good vibes needed plz(huskymom)

    • Gold Top Dog

    Rant..good vibes needed plz(huskymom)

     Sorry if this turns out to be long.  I'll try to be as brief as possible.  But I need to start at the beginning.

    Yesterday was not a good day for the girls.  Neither was feeling very well and Kali went to bed early.  Kelci on the other hand was up and down all evening.  Her naps were literally 10 minutes or so each and she just plain wasn't happy.  By the end of the night I was so exhausted that when Tyler walked in the door all pumped from work I just handed her to him and staggered off to bed.  Well 10 minutes later he comes and puts her into her bed and crawls into bed himself.  She wakes up of course and he wants me to get her.  Gee, thanks for the break. 

    So this morning I'm all worried about how things are going to go because I have to get Kale off to school by 8:30, Kali to daycare and Kelci and I to an appointment by 9:30.  And I don't have a car.  Then I have to get to work for the noon hour rush.  So I'm getting myself geared up and Tyler tells me he doesn't work this morning.  Uh....what?  Why then are we paying $39 for Kali to go to daycare?  It was too late to cancel since she wasn't sick and there was no way to get a dr's note.  We would have been billed anyway, so she might as well go.  But he apparently knew this last week!  

    Whatever.  I figured, he'll have the morning and most of the afternoon to get some stuff done around here.  We have a ton of stuff to get done to get this place ready for winter, most of which I need to do myself, since that kind of stuff is not Tyler's forte.  But he can at least get the dishes done, do the floors and get a load of two of laundry done so that I can just work on the winterizing stuff when I get home, and Halloween costumes after Kali is in bed.  Well, he calls me at work and tells me he was indeed supposed to work today, but at 1:30, so I needed to be home for Kale at 3:30.  That also meant I needed to pick up Kali, which was not on my agenda.  Oh well, I did that and rushed home.  

    Ya...walk in...huge mess!  I don't even think it was this messy when I left.  He's got dirty clothes on the floor in the kitchen.  Dirty dishes on the coffee table.  The dogs have obviously had a hayday with a diaper in the kitchen since its shredded all over the place.  He had filled the sink with dirty dishes and water, which was cold by the time I got here, Nice.  

    He called shortly after I got home.  I don't even remember why.  I was so mad.  He said he tidied the living room and started on the dishes but then he got called to work and had to rush out.  The living room is a disaster.  The toys that Kali had pulled out this morning are still where she left them.  Her highchair was folded and put in the corner, but it had food all over it.  The floor is a mess.  I don't even know where to start.  I just want to cry. 

    So people, I need some support.  What would you do in my situation?  I'm so sick of this.  Honestly, if I was independently wealthy or even thought I could survive on the child support I'd get from him, he'd be gone.  He's no help besides financially.  But he doesn't make that much money.  I just don't want another kid to take care of, and right now that's all he is.  Honestly, when we go to Walmart to buy diapers or other necessities, he whines as bad as Kale when he doesn't get a game for his DS or some other system.  We badly need a new stove, only one small burner works on it, the oven is shot, but he thinks a new TV is a bigger priority.  We have a 27" sitting in the living room that just isn't as clear as an LCD so it obviously needs to go!  Granted a new TV would be nice, but we don't NEED it.

    Well, if you got this far, I have to thank you.  I really just need someone to vent to.  Well, and maybe a maid.  And a general contractor to winterize my home.  And a stove.  But mostly just someone to listen.  Thanks so much. {wanders off to bang head on something solid}

    • Gold Top Dog

    Sounds like you need a bubble bath away from others. "Calgon, take me away!"

     

    • Gold Top Dog

    Candace, I just wanted to offer my support.  I don't have kids but I tend to have to handle the house work, dog care and errands alone too.  DH will help sometimes but it's normally after I've flipped out and threatened to seriously get a maid every other week.  We also have very different opinions on clean and it doesn't bother him if stuff is messy like it does me.  I grew up with Italian parents whose house was sort of like a museum.  I don't want my house like that but I don't want to be embarrassed if someone drops by either. 

    Anyway, this got longer than I intended, just trying to say I know how you feel.  Go have an iced coffee, that's what I usually do, LOL!!

    Lori

    • Gold Top Dog

    Also wanted to add, that when DH does help me, he points out to me every thing he did, it's like, YAY for you--I do it all the time and nobody gives me applause. 

    • Gold Top Dog

     Gosh, I really relate. I'm sorry. Sending him a mental kick in the bum from down here!

    • Gold Top Dog

    I'm sorry life is building up on you right now.  Having an infant along with sick kids only makes things harder.  I agree with Ron, maybe a nice hot bubble bath would be a good thing right now.  Then, maybe a heart to heart with your bf would help.  Not sure how receptive he is.  I have to be very careful how I approach hubby when I am unhappy with him about something to make sure that I am not placing blame on him or even making it about him, but expressing my own overwhelmed feelings so that he understands that I need more help from him without putting him down for not doing a good enough job.  Then I try to let the things he help me with be his idea since any help is usually better than what I might be getting if I have come to the point where you are. 

    Hope your night starts to get better and maybe you and the kids will all get a good night sleep tonight.   

    • Gold Top Dog

    I feel your pain, I really do Crying

    Sometimes men are just like big kids and it can be tough.  I have been EXACTLY where you are.  It drives me nuts at times.   The not telling me that he is not working till the last minute so WIll still has to go to nursery.  The pathetic attempts at housework when he is home alone and I take William out for a couple of hours....  Sometimes its worse when hes had a go at it than when he started! 

    All the same - Try to cool it.  It's a little mess and a little dirt.  The world won't end if the dishes aren't done.  Really.  Take the bubble bath suggestion!

    And you know what else?  THANK Tyler for what he DID manage to do.  If you rant at him about what he didn't do he will feel affronted/ashamed/unappreciated/whatever and he will be EVEN LESS likely to help next time. 

    Do you have a calendar on the wall?  Ask him, a week in advance, what times he is working and write it on there.  He might need reminding to change it if necessary, but its a start.

    • Gold Top Dog

    Chuffy
    Do you have a calendar on the wall?  Ask him, a week in advance, what times he is working and write it on there.  He might need reminding to change it if necessary, but its a start.

    I think this is a great idea, like the bubble bath.

    I'm sorry things are so difficultforyou now, but I think you can work things out. Try to talk to him. I can't say more, because DH helps a lot in the house and except for some socks stuffed in the sofa, I don't complain. Good luck and a big hug!!

    • Gold Top Dog

    I know how that feels, and my Mom knows that feeling even better then I do. My Dad just bought a $2500 TV system....the works. Never mind the fact that the upstairs of our house needs the floor boards re-layed(they're exteremly squeky) and they're at least 3 spots that leek in the roof. Nope, LCD TV's and BluRay rank higher. Sorry for my mini-rant...

    **sends ever ounce of good vibes that can possibley be sent** and **Sam's sends good vibes**

    I'm sorry! Maybe he'll wake up and come back to reality soon...

    • Gold Top Dog

     Lori, you've nailed it!  Completely.  At the moment I would be ashamed if someone dropped by.  Well, I would have been right when I got home anyway.  Things look a little better, still not any closer on the winterizing or the costumes, but whatever.  AND when he does do something, I hear about it for weeks!  He practically breaks his arm patting himself on the back.  On the rare occassion that he has finished the dishes, it then becomes my turn to do them because he did them 'last' time.  He has no idea that dishes get done every day. 

    Chuffy, at this point, I don't care if he feels ashamed or unappreciated.  He should feel ashamed.  He did not make any attempt whatsoever.  I'll lay bets he filled the sink up just to say he tried.  And he did nothing to tidy the living room.  I would be ashamed if I layed around on the couch all day while my child was in someone else's care.  And I don't for one second appreciate coming into this house and immedietly bursting into tears right in front of my daughter, but I couldn't help it.  Point taken on the calender idea though.  We rely on the computer to much for date things, and the work schedule never gets written anywhere but on a scrap of paper now and then.  

    Thanks everyone for your support.  I'm so glad I have you guys.  Ron, I think I might just take that bath...right now, I'm baking myself a big chocolate chip cookie, and I'm gonna eat the whole thing!

    • Gold Top Dog

    I'm sorry Candace. Not sure I have a ton of advice for you. I tend to do most things around the house, since I stay home. But maybe putting together a chore chart would help. Since you are both working, I think all should share the house chores. And if your kids are big enough to help put them on the chart as well. You're supposed to be partners and it sucks when the other is not pulling his weight. I sure hope he snaps out of it and starts chipping in.

    • Gold Top Dog

    I am so sorry Candace...I wish I could fix it! all I have is support...I am not sure what to say about the relationship part since I feel odd saying too much, not knowing how much emotion is invested. But I am truly sorry you are stressed and shame on him for contributing to your stress levels in this manner.

    • Gold Top Dog

    i have to say... i dont live with the BF but in MY experience, talking reason isnt something that works. i guess every guy is different, but with my BF he doesnt take a lot of things to heart until i SERIOUSLY flip out! it sucks, but then i also dont need to suck it up. when he really annoys me with soemthing i have talked to him 10000000 times i let it out, he apologizes and straightens up for a while. it's not permanent and he needs reminders ALL the time!

    i know i am in the minority on this, but i say, if he acts like a kid, he should be treated like one!

    • Gold Top Dog

    Dh and I had a serious come to you know who meeting after Riley was born.  Our situation is a little different because I work full time and he stays home.  However, I would come home from work and NOTHING was getting done - and I do mean NOTHING.  He was getting to the point that he wouldn't even take the dog outside because he was "busy".  And before you think it, I knew how hard it was for him being home with Riley all day; however, somehow I manage to do it all and take care of her 100% on the weekends, plus walk the dog, do the dishes, clean, laundry, make dinner, etc. etc.  He just didn't want to.

    Basically I told him that unless he starts contributing to the work at home too something was going to have to change and it wasn't going to be good.  He honestly had no idea how to do multiple things at once...seriously no clue.  He didn't understand that you can have her playing in the playpen while you wash the floor or do the dishes.  That it's OK to have her playing in one part of the family room while you fold clothes.  We came up with a list of everything that needs to get done on an ongoing basis.  I think he was shocked at how much I do that goes unnoticed...I mean who thinks about how the toilet gets cleaned if it is just always done.  We both picked a few things that we couldn't stand and then picked a few that we enjoyed (i.e. he really likes to vacuum and clean the windows and I like to clean the bathroom and cook dinner).  Everything else got divided up.  We then made a schedule of what needs to get done when and try really hard to stick to it.

    Yes, we still have our yelling matches when things aren't getting done, but overall it works out.  One thing I had to let go of is when things are getting done, but not the way I would do them I can't criticize.  That was my biggest problem.  I do have to praise him more than I would if he was a woman (I have said for years that I need a wife), but if in the end it all gets done than so be it.

    • Gold Top Dog

    mrstjohnson

    Dh and I had a serious come to you know who meeting after Riley was born.  Our situation is a little different because I work full time and he stays home.  However, I would come home from work and NOTHING was getting done - and I do mean NOTHING.  He was getting to the point that he wouldn't even take the dog outside because he was "busy".  And before you think it, I knew how hard it was for him being home with Riley all day; however, somehow I manage to do it all and take care of her 100% on the weekends, plus walk the dog, do the dishes, clean, laundry, make dinner, etc. etc.  He just didn't want to.

    Basically I told him that unless he starts contributing to the work at home too something was going to have to change and it wasn't going to be good.  He honestly had no idea how to do multiple things at once...seriously no clue.  He didn't understand that you can have her playing in the playpen while you wash the floor or do the dishes.  That it's OK to have her playing in one part of the family room while you fold clothes.  We came up with a list of everything that needs to get done on an ongoing basis.  I think he was shocked at how much I do that goes unnoticed...I mean who thinks about how the toilet gets cleaned if it is just always done.  We both picked a few things that we couldn't stand and then picked a few that we enjoyed (i.e. he really likes to vacuum and clean the windows and I like to clean the bathroom and cook dinner).  Everything else got divided up.  We then made a schedule of what needs to get done when and try really hard to stick to it.

    Yes, we still have our yelling matches when things aren't getting done, but overall it works out.  One thing I had to let go of is when things are getting done, but not the way I would do them I can't criticize.  That was my biggest problem.  I do have to praise him more than I would if he was a woman (I have said for years that I need a wife), but if in the end it all gets done than so be it.

     

    This is more or less what I did with BF. Don't get me wrong, we both do our share of shirking household chores, but really sitting down and talking about it helped immeasurably when we first moved in. He had never had to deal with "real" household chores before, coming straight from college dorms and living at home. And neither of us is particularly neat. At first he was working full-time and I was unemployed, so we agreed I would do more than 50% of the chores (even though we split finances 50-50) since that made logistical sense. But then he was doing practically nothing, and complaining about the few things I wasn't doing that he actually noticed. (I clean the bathroom thoroughly, dust the apartment, and change the sheets one day. He comes home and is upset because he needs work clothes ironed, but of course neglected to let me know that, and doesn't notice what I *did* do. argh!!!)

    So we sat down, I told him I was feeling very overwhelmed and under-appreciated, and while I was okay with doing more than "my fair share" of the chores, I didn't want to be taken for granted, and when I did get a full-time job I expected him to contribute more to household work. We then looked at all the chores that needed to be done on a regular basis, and made it VERY detailed. Not just "clean the bathroom," but "scrub the toilet bowl, scrub the toilet seat, clean the bathroom mirror, spray the shower for mildew, scrub out the sink, scrub out the tub, vacuum and mop the floor, wash down the countertops." Part of the trouble we were having is he just couldn't "see" when stuff needed doing, if that makes sense. He just didn't notice the same things I did. ("You mean the toilet needs to be cleaned? Can't we just flush it?";)

    A major part of us working this stuff out was educating him on the "big picture," and then divvying chores up to minimize strife. Dirty dishes in the sink really bother him, so he's in charge of dishes. He can't iron worth poo, so I do all the ironing. I'm in charge of determining when the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and he's in charge of helping me (with a good attitude!) when I ask. Really the biggest challenge was just to get him to realize the extent of what needs to be done around the house, and to get a sort of system in place to make it easier for him to know *when* it needs to be done.

    Well, and then the second-biggest challenge: me biting my tongue when he put in a noble effort but screwed something up, and making sure to fawn over him excessively when he tries really hard, even if I feel I'm not getting appreciated similarly for the same work. ;) (Which usually results in me saying something like, "See how nice the living room looks! I spent 3 hours cleaning it." And he knows if he doesn't say something nice then, he's in *big trouble*!)