Family drama, sort of? Just venting really. (Chelsea)

chelsea_b

My cousin has a 5 year old daughter, Alleen, and since she was 2 months old, I've been her nanny/daycare/babysitter/whatever. Like 15-20 hours a week for the first year, and then 50 hours a week until this past December. Needless to say, we're pretty darn bonded.

It sounds like Alleen's parents are just starting to be full time parents at the same that they added a 2nd child and are both feeling like single parents due to their work schedules.  The dad's schedule is especially bad due to the weekly schedule shift.  I doubt either parent is getting enough sleep. 

The dad may have had little to do with Alleen's care until now and has jumped into caring for both an infant and a 5-year-old at one time.  My dad was never good with dealing with small children - and he had five of us. 

Things will get better when Alleen gets into kindergarten, but in the meantime could they get her a Leap Frog LeapPad PLT, a Leap Frog Tag School Reading System, or a Leap Frog Leapster2 Learning Game System?  Alleen can teach herself a lot with these tools while she is having fun.

LeapPad PLT - several books come with it

Tag School Reading System (new product)

Leapster2 Learning Game System (new product)

Request Leap Frog catalog

Oh wow.

Something just feels really wrong about that level of unhappiness. If she were seeing you once a month and threw a fit on going home, that'd be one thing, but it sounds like she hates being at her house as much as she loves being with you.

Can you try talking to her, at a calm moment, about what is bothering her so much? Bored may be bored, but it also may be the only word a 5 year has for a yuckier feeling. Can she really not sleep well, or was that a moment of frustration? If she's having trouble sleeping, that could mean anxiety problems.

If you think you can take it, be there for her. She needs you. The time you spend with a kid who needs you can make soooo much difference years and years down the line. Sometimes just having the experience of decent care giving can give a child confidence that the whole world is not scary.  

I am so sorry for you and your niece! It would totally rip me up inside.  

chelsea_b

This is like the most depressing situation, because there's nothing I can really do about it. I can't make her parents be better. I can't steal her away from them. I try to hang out with her as much as I can, get her out of the house and doing fun stuff. What else can I do? It's really really upsetting, and I really really don't ever want to take her home when I have her.

My suggestion would be to tackle this problem in a matter of fact way.  If you are going to be dropping her back home at the end, get a set time, let her know about it when you pick her up, and then stick to it.  When she starts to break down, don't coddle, try to calm her, or give her any attention.  Pretend it is no big deal, because dropping her off at home should be no big deal.  Another thing, is don't forget the praise when she is being good.  Remind he what a big girl she is. 

Be careful about letting her suck you in to tantrum number two with a phone call.  If she is breaking down on the phone, in a calm voice tell her you would love to talk to her, but you can't understand and talk to her when she is crying and if she can't calm down you can't talk to her on the phone.  This means if she does keep crying on the matter you are going to have to end the phone call, no matter how hard it is on your end.

Another thing you might try is reinforcing going home.  Perhaps like Janet_rose suggested look into getting her some fun books she can read on her own or some other toy you know she will enjoy.  Wrap it up, and when you go to pick her up make a show of bringing it in the house and placing it on her bed.  She doesn't get to open it till you drop her off and she goes home.  Maybe you could even get her parents in on the act, and have them set up a little treasure hunt where she has to follow clues to find the prize.  Once again let her know about this in advance (you could even have the first clue placed on the car seat that will point to somewhere she is suppose to look in the house.

 Finally, if you haven't already done so I would have a talk with her parents (without the kids present).  Let them know what is going on, and how you are feeling from your end.  Perhaps brainstorm some ideas but most importantly get everyone on the same page about how you are going to handle the outbursts.
  

That's kind of how I was feeling too, Krissim. I mean, the kid is still only 5 - I think expecting her to behave rationally in a stressful situation with major life changes might be too much to ask of her. My parents got divorced when I was about 6, and I remember some really strong, dramatic outbursts about not wanting to go spend the weekend with my father when he came to pick me up. Why? No good reason, really. Because he wasn't great with little kids and so we'd never really "bonded." Because I was a "mommy's girl" and my mother kind of spoiled me in a lot of ways. Because I missed the chance to play with my friends over the weekend. But for all I carried on, you'd have thought I was being starved, beaten, and abused every time I stayed with my father. My mother also despised my father and was worried that he was going to get me killed, so she had me even more anxious than I had been already. While I'm sure she felt gratified to have my clinging to her legs screaming, "Mommy!! I don't want to leave!!" it certainly would have been better for me if she had been a bit more detached and let me develop a relationship with my father earlier on.

Maybe Alleen isn't necessarily that unhappy/depressed, but more like stressed by the changes in her life (new sibling, you not being there anymore - big changes in her routine!!) and doesn't really know how to cope.

You, being a rational and wise Older Person, interpret her uproar as a sign that something is Seriously Wrong, when maybe it's just the only way she can think of to vent her frustration. Her crying and carrying on upsets you, so you start to feel like you have to "protect her" from her home life. She picks up on this and feels like maybe there's a good reason she shouldn't go home, so it gets worse.

I think you should definitely talk with her parents - I'm sure the introduction of a new baby is always stressful for everyone, and they're probably having a hard time. I know there are a lot of resources on how to introduce a new baby into the household - maybe you could get some good ideas from a book or DVD or something?

Really, IMO, unless she's being totally neglected or abused the best thing for her is to learn to deal with her home life the way it is. She'll still have you there for her for love and support, but I don't think you'd be doing her any favors by trying to shelter her from her home environment - the more distant she feels from her parents, the harder it will be for her to be happy at home. Living with you forever is just not an option, so the earlier she learns how to deal with life in her parents' house, the better. You'll always be there for her if she needs an "escape" every now and then.

Maybe you could help her parents spend some more "quality time" with Alleen by babysitting for them? So it can be just Alleen and her mom or dad one day or so a week? Maybe just for dinner, or for a quick trip for ice cream or something. Remind her that she's still very important to them, even with the new baby. And is she involved with the baby at all? Is there anything she could "help" with? That might make her feel more included, too.

Good luck, I know this must be miserable... just remember, just because our kids/dogs/parents think something is The End of the World doesn't mean it actually is!
 

Dog_ma

Can you try talking to her, at a calm moment, about what is bothering her so much?

I have, a lot. It's the same stuff. She's bored, she misses me, etc. I'll ask her "what'd you do today?" and she always says something like "Nothing. Just watched TV." "Did you play with Dad?" "No, he was too busy taking care of the baby." Or "I just play by myself while Daddy plays with Thomas."  I can't say anything to her dad about it, but I've tried to mention it to her mom, and I get the idea that this is an issue between the two of them, that she knows he's not good at splitting his time between the two kids... Plus the working til midnight is just an awful idea. I know he sleeps til 9 or 9:30 in the morning, and my cousin leaves at like 7:30, which leaves Alleen awake alone for almost 2 hours every morning. And then a lot of days she tells me about how daddy took a nap with Thomas. So that's another hour or two no doubt that she's just sitting in front of the TV by herself.

I really don't think there's anything sinister going on. I don't think her dad's a bad guy at all. I think he's a tad selfish, lazy, and I think Alleen's extremely lonely when she's at home. I actually feel guilty when I'm just sitting here doing nothing and she's home with her daddy, like why can't she just be here? And yeah, I do push back go-home times, because I don't see the point in sending her home to sit in front of the TV alone when she could be with me. But she doesn't usually know.. I never say it's time to go home and then change my mind when she gets upset. I don't reward the whining and crying. But I do change things to preempt it, not because I don't want to hear it, but because of the feelings behind it. If it was an occasional thing and I didn't know she'd be lonely and bored at home, it'd be different, but I find myself saying "now why does she have to go home right now? Oh yeah, she doesn't... nevermind.." you know?

I know I make it worse sometimes, but I'd just like to say that I've never broken down over this until last night. It was already extremely hard to leave her crying, and then when she called me..it was just too much, and I just needed to vent. I don't have anxiety about sending her home, because I don't believe anything terrible is happening there. I just don't see the point in sending her home if there's nothing going on that she needs to go home for.

I really like the idea of putting something at her house so she looks forward to going home, so thanks for that. And I'm practically counting down the days til she starts kindergarten, which used to be a source of utter dread for me..lol. I HATED going to school, and I was really afraid Alleen would be the same way. When the plan was for me to be watching them still in September, and therefore dropping Alleen off at school, I warned my cousin that if she didn't want to be there, I wouldn't be able to leave her. But I think she'll be thrilled to be out of the house for 5 hours a day now, and fine saying bye to her dad...if he's still home with them during the day anyway. I think my cousin is really regretting this schedule change, so we'll see how much longer it lasts..though I don't know what they'll do if it doesn't.

In the meantime though, it sucks...

 Chelsea, I'm going to try and give you Alleen's parent's point of view, or at least what I would imagine could possibly be their point of view.  See, their part would be played by me and your part would be played by my mom, with Kale subbing in for Alleen.  Kale is 9 and a little more rational than a 5 year old, though albeit, more conniving if you may. 

Grandma's house is THE BEST!  I firmly believe that this is because Grandma spends the whole time she has him, with him.  She dotes on him.  If he asks for a drink, she jumps up to get it.  She runs his bath, and then adds more hot if he spends too long in there.  She drops whatever she's doing to play poker with him.  Her laundry piles up as do her dishes.  When he sleeps there, she waits till he's in bed to do anything whatsoever and then she's up till 11 doing housework.  Grandma is the BEST!!!  But because she only has him once or twice a week, she can do that.  And of course she is ALWAYS happy to have him as far as he can tell, because really, when she is busy, she tells me, not him.  Then I have to try and explain to him why he can't go to grandma's.

Now, Kale doesn't have it bad here.  We try to make a nightly ritual of a card game, a book, a board game, heck even just a family movie when I'm super tired.  We sit down for meals.  We've been doing a 15 minute timed tidy, which he seems to really get into.  He has his video games and access to the computer during the day.  He has lots of friends around that he plays with.  BUT I don't spend all day everyday entertaining him.  We have a baby too.  Kali is 18 months but if anything, she takes up even more time than when she was 7 months.  I try my best to include Kale in most everything, but even I, someone with many many years of parenting/childcare experience can't do it all. (I've been in childcare for at least 22 years to some degree.)  A dad that has only been at it a couple months would be swamped!

I try not to fault myself about it, but honestly it gets hard when my son is crying because he wants to go to Grandma's instead of spending the afternoon here with me.  And for a while he was doing just that.  And he would cry even worse when he was there and it was time to come home.   My parents got really concerned about it too.  What the heck was going on in this house that was making him so reluctant to leave their's?  My dad was all but accusing Tyler and I of abusing him.  It was breaking my heart that I couldn't do for Kale what my mom could.  The fact that he made it very obvious hurt the most.  But his behavior was working for him.  He would pull a fit and Grandma would say, "Oh just let him stay for supper."  Or,"Its Saturday night, he can sleep over one more night."   or, "Oh Candace, we're only 2 doors away from the school, just let him come over here when he gets out."  And if I said no, once again, I'm the mean one.  I finally had to talk to my parents.  There was a lot said in between of our observations, things I pointed out that they did, things they thought were happening here, etc, but eventually we came to the conclusion that Kale had to be invited to go to my parents house.  He could no longer call them and ask.  This really let him know how much they wanted him there, and its not rare, but at least now I don't have to make up excuses as to why he can't go or stay longer.  He's quit begging to go there too.  He still goes once during the week and for one night on the weekend, but he's not being obnoxious about it.  I have also made a slightly bigger effort in keeping him entertained, though not much.  I still can't be a 24/7 doting mom.  Nobody with more than one kid can. 

Anyway, that's just my point of view on what might be happening in your situation.  I hope its like that anyway, and not something entirely different.  

No time to edit right now...hope it makes some sense.

I agree with Candace. She's working you guys.  She has discovered that she can wrap Auntie around her cute little fingers and Grammy will keep her.  OF COURSE she doesn't want to go home--there is competition there! Her little brother (in her eyes) gets ALL of daddy's attention and she gets NONE.  He doesn't do everything for her like when she was little.  She probably has to get her own glass of water and get her fruit herself. Auntie, OTOH, will spend undivided time with her and slather her with BOTTLES of attention.Grammy doesn't day, "I have to change your brother's diaper right now" while she's whining for just one more little thing. The kid is SMART!

Also, it may be that dad just hasn't figured out how to juggle two kids.  Hey Dad, welcome to the world of parenting! We mothers do this sort of thing every day. I don't care WHAT you say, the Peace Corps is NOT the toughest job you'll eve love--parenting IS.

You have my sympathy and attention... I have 5 grands who live with me and it is a tighrope walk to avoid stepping on parental toes or being played like a squeeze box!!    # have their parents in the house 2 have no one but Me...  do you think they all know how to play that game ???  Shawwwwwwwwwwwwww like Charlie Sheen can drink or Mick Jagger needs a bit of weight....

The hubs is trying to lend a parnetal hand... frankly he sucked as a father 30 years ago so this is a tricky issue for us. He would happily beat butts for every infraction, I am a bit less midevil and will not allow him OR the parents to use spanking as the first line of disicipline  I will NOT give into the theory that  regular or "routine" spankings do anything more than teach a kid to hit.

Now all that being said emotional games are second nature to this age, they figured out your currency and will use it to the nth level.

Rather than tell you wht you may or may not be doing worng , since I already know how RIGHT your heart is let me give you some ideas that will make being at home easier for her and do able for you..... Girl I  KNOW this pain .....

While it is really inconvienant for you , try substituting your time and or care  from your place to HERS.  I want to spen time with you sweetie but you know what let's go to your HOME.

If she seems ressitant and they own the house  get permission to repaint her room, involve her and her parents in the adventure of making her the best Princess room , pony room ??? room ever.... spend the time , stretch it Ouuuuuuuuuuut painting , this can be fun put an over size  t on every one and paint paint paint....then decals or posters.... every minute spent with you is still about her but About how to make her happier at home. Do not run out and finance an entertainment center that woul dmake her paren't gear look like crap. Instead if she has a little tv set buy a cheapo dvd and start buiild ing her a collection of great DVDs... tell her to talk to you about her favorite and then late have her bring a good one to your home once in a while...    the leap frog is a great idea but at her home only...not because you don't want to enjoy them with her but there have to be great perks about time at home ...when you visit you ASK can I go to your room???  can we play with your cool stuff??

Subscribe to Scolastic book service, they will send quality books her age group once a month to her home for about 15.00.... tell her to have Momma or dad read one book then pick out a special book just for the two of you to share ... AT HER HOUSE.   The two of you pick out a cool book case and have Dad help put it together... check out Target they have some awesome stuff  for little girl's rooms doll hous bookcases etc...

Send her MAIL... yes regular snail mail. Tell her if she idd not live with Mom and Dad she would Not get this stuff... how cool is a surprize package with dollar bin stuff from target or dollar tree??  It does not matter that you live close by, what matters is that she begins to find value and adventure at her house.

When she loses a tooth rather than feel left out and alone, and girl at some point you will,  make sure you have a tooth fairy package for her... get Mom and or Dad involved... a pillow for under HER home pillow to hide the tooth , a new electric tooth brush they start at 6.00 at Wal mart, neato tooth paste,  a special wash cloth , towel etc etc.....

When she is ready to start school stuff the memories of not liking it down, down down and instead find out what you can about the school, then figure out the Auntie Perks   see parents HAVE to go by the book, they have to feed, house and "Vet" the kids before they can do anything else, anything fun..... A great Auntie figures out how to make themsleves Awesome without potentially causing pain ..... say nothing changed, you were still caring for these children at your home for ever and ever..... What happens when you meet Mr right and have kids? or  heaven forbid you have Mr right and he'd rather take you all over the world at the holidays rather than stay at home??? do you lose a guy who adores you and wants to show you the world and rescue every animal you find    orrrr do you give your darling nieces Wings...teach them to feel secue and loved without being in your home. Increase the feeling of value they have for thier parents   for their space ...

Now all of this being said IF YOU EVER feel like this is more than the normal manipulations of a 5 year old.... talk to some one.... I worked th Rape Hot line in San Diego for a very long time. I NEVER had a kid under the age of 10 give a false report. There are details in life they simply should not know...Be an Awesome Auntie... teach her to love her life... in 12 years if she comes to you pleading for new boobs would you buy them or wish you had helped to teach her to love herself??

Bonita of Bwana

Thanks for posting Candace. What you're saying makes a lot of sense and I'm gonna try hard to assume that's all it is. I'm really not trying to be unfair to her parents, and I seriously don't expect anyone to entertain her every second of the day. I can't even do that when she's just over here for a few hours. But even when I have her and her brother, and have to do 17 other things, I can make time to play a quick game or something with her. And remember, I had her 50 or more hours per week for most of her life (which was a majority of her waking hours), and that was at my house, while I still did everything I needed to do. I don't have some warped view of what days are like for Jerry, because I have (and do!) lived them too.

I'd also like to nip in the bud the idea that I'm a pushover "auntie". I put up with less crap from Alleen than her parents do. I make her do more for herself, I make her clean up after herself, and I don't put up with this bizarre laziness she's developing. I also won't feed her junk food like her parents do. In reality, she should prefer home to my house lol, which is another reason I think it must be the lonely/bored thing. Not that I'm terribly exciting, but I don't just stick her in front of the TV, or expect her to always play by herself, and I actually take her out of the house occasionally, ha...

Bonita, wow, lots of great ideas in there. Thanks so much! Going to her home more is a good plan, but they live in an apartment complex with a terrible parking situation...finding a place to park there is like a joke. But I definitely will when I can.. I agree that might be helpful. And the mail and stuff is a great idea. Thanks again!

My goddaughter used to get really upset when we'd spend time together and then I'd have to leave.  She was always wanting to sleep over as she got older.  She even went thru this phase where she'd get extremely jealous if her sisters would try to interact with me.  If they wanted to sleep over too, she'd get upset and say things like, "she's my Godmother". 

Just to let you know my 5 grand kids are putting me through the ringer right now because I am getting ready to leave for 14 days for the Ridgeback Rodeo.....  They know when I get home we will have a Grands adventure.... The kids, and us, Normally we do a RV resort with putt putt , swimming pools , hiking , biking and maybe fishing ... g'pa myself the 5 grands and a couple of the dogs . Since we do not know how Jazz will be there is a Plan B for 08 ,  this year we may be doing a weekend in the RV in New Orleans, the Aquarium of the Americas, Jackson Square, a Paddle Boat ride , Maybe the N.O . Zoo   Definitely Beignets and coffee, the Farmer's market ... We can do all of this for under 600.00 they help cook and bar b q they have to shop for the Special Christmas Ornaments ...we should find a place with a pool, we should find a place that we can walk and talk...

Till then They are individually pulling me aside and from a tiny sigh to a near sobs ......" Uhh Uhhh UHHHH G'ma i am gonna miss you soooo much...."   "No one understands me when you aren't  here.."   " G'ma  Momma and Daddy pull my hair when they brushes it "    G'ma I won't be able to brush my toophers till you come home"   G'ma I NEEED you can't I come and I'll be really good I promise"  G'ma nobody will let me do my webkinz when you are gone..."  G'ma I won't get any sweet milk or dessert till you come home"   My personal favorite is " G'ma could you do my laundry before you leave cause I won't have any pajamas ..."

Can kids work you?? Oh Heck yeah !!    So how do I deal with it???  they have my cell number on their doors and can call me when and if they need me.

I send postcards home from the first day on... Silly dumb cards of pigs in hats having parties,  cute puppies, snazzy cars....what ever I can find at gas stations and stores along the way...  I have a book of age appropriate jokes and I write one on a card along with the most important part, I miss you , I love you and What are you doing ??

There will be a Pizza delivery  the second Friday I am gone.... from grandpa, something they will love and be surprised by , to enjoy away from us in their home.

Each kid has a job... picking up pooh in the yard, making sure the 4 dogs I am not taking will not be very sad. A tomato plant that must be watered,  their bedrooms being painted...

Picking out a special photo to be printed and put up in the Hall bathroom  , I have always put great snaps from small ones to huge ones in that bathroom, this year we are switching to the Grand's photos

Getting ready for the new school year that will start shortly after we get home... Yes we will still have the N.O. weekend it is only 3.5 hours away .

Will they take years off of my life because of stress??  well duh ...that is their job at this age.   Mine is to make them figure out how to survive and function when I am not there.....

I adore my babies,  they are one of the few things in the entire Universe that makes me know adventures are just a smile away... that being the center of a child's world is awesome but having a child the center of your world is even MORE incredible.  Taking my emotions out of the equation  and putting theirs at the first and last of all of it... I have a chance to be part of some one who will be Significant in the World... I simply have to choose how I will handle that responsibility...

Bonita of Bwana

chelsea_b

Plus the working til midnight is just an awful idea. I know he sleeps til 9 or 9:30 in the morning, and my cousin leaves at like 7:30, which leaves Alleen awake alone for almost 2 hours every morning. And then a lot of days she tells me about how daddy took a nap with Thomas. So that's another hour or two no doubt that she's just sitting in front of the TV by herself.

I think there is a difference between not having a parent's attention all the time, 24/7, and being responsible for yourself 2+ hours a day when you're 5. 

I know there is nothing you can do to change it, Chelsea, but it really seems to me like your niece isn't spoiled and throwing fits - she's really not getting the parenting she needs. :(
 

Dog_ma

chelsea_b

Plus the working til midnight is just an awful idea. I know he sleeps til 9 or 9:30 in the morning, and my cousin leaves at like 7:30, which leaves Alleen awake alone for almost 2 hours every morning. And then a lot of days she tells me about how daddy took a nap with Thomas. So that's another hour or two no doubt that she's just sitting in front of the TV by herself.

 

I think there is a difference between not having a parent's attention all the time, 24/7, and being responsible for yourself 2+ hours a day when you're 5. 

I know there is nothing you can do to change it, Chelsea, but it really seems to be like your niece isn't spoiled and throwing fits - she's really not getting the parenting she needs. :(
 

Sorry about quoting the entire post but there are some really important highlights in it...    I was beyond stressed out when I found out my daughter was taking a 1-2 hour nap every day with 2 kids under the age of 4 in the house.  The youngest generally slept at the same time... But Not ALWAYS...The 4 year old slept for a portion of the time but No where near the amount auntie needed.

My daughter and SIL live with us for a reason. They have issues with finances, unable to perceive what goes out should be less than what comes in.. If not you make adjustments somewhere..like no new DVDS, or  collect ables....

My daughter like myself is Bi polar. I am a High functioning Bi Polar, I can not take the acceptable meds since they don't just create but dramatically encourage suicidal thoughts and concepts.  I may be manic high for 2-5 days ...wow I love it , my house gets really clean and things get really done. On the manic low days I have to accept and understand I will not have the energy to do much, My pain threshold will be bottomed out and meds will not help with the pain.  I have a wonderful therapist and I do the work I need to do to allow me to be a high functioning BP

My daughter on the other hand is a heavily medicated BP ... lithium is one of her "light" drugs.  She is up every day by 6:30 and works with the kids non stop till she hits the wall about noon. Then that nap is beyond essential.   She is awake again and functional by the time the kids must be picked up from school 2:30 to 3:00

This worked well till about 6 months ago. when the two at home figured out how easy it was to fake her out on them being asleep. I would be on a Dog Show trip or Bob would be working out of state and I would be there to help take care of things... ( marriages stay together BECAUSE you work at them..)

I would come home to find "Addresses " painted next to every door in my home in fingernail polish.... every set of blinds in my home destroyed.  The DVDS and vcrs in 1/2 the rooms no longer working.  Creative art work 2.5 year old in height on almost every wall ...we will not go into the property broken ( most belonging to me)  .  I was not told about the spilled milk or the other small kitchen disasters by adults but kid will rat each other out unintentionally.... My desk top computer no longer works ..heck the list is pretty much endless.

The girls however are unscathed. No broken bones, boo boos or stomach pumping. The dogs are all fine, a few pounds heavier but again non the worse for wear.

In an Ideal world The Beav's mom would be there to help out 24/7 because there would be no question about marital issues since you refuse to go any where or seem to always put the others first.  ( remember this is almost 9 years of this in our home) .. I would Never have to choose between time with my husband of 27 years or time with the kids.  In an ideal world one of the moms would never have tried drugs and become addicted leaving her two in effect emotionally orphaned.  In that Ideal world My daughter who lives with us would only have her 3 kids to care for and not have the additional demands and strain of 2 more.  And in that Ideal world her Husband would be a more evolved guy , supportive all the time and happy to spend time with the kids when off work rather than being glued to his lap top....

The girls know there are RULES. They know there are corporal punishment things and they avoid them.... They are pretty great about watching one of the 200+ DVDs that are positive and encouraging or they draw and color, play on of the many games they have available.

When all 5 are home the bedroom door is left open, there is no way the older two boys will take a nap. So they are instructed to stay in their room and watch tv, listen to music or read.  They are rarely destructive anymore. They understand cooking is off limits,  leaving the house a no no, answering the door a major problem.  They read, play and have fun.  

when I first found out about this I was Horrified. I laid down the LAW, this would never happen again and then I realized... she can not keep up. She will about kill herself trying but chances are not good she can keep it up.  So instead I have changed my life, the hubs has changed his... and every now and then the kids just have to handle life for an hour.....

I shudder to think of my inlaws families.... Lily, Bob's mom came from 12 kids   all loved all in charge of each other... remember no tv, computers or i pods....

Oh and then you had Bob's Dad's family   .............................22 kids...same Mom , same Dad.... only one set of twins......  I'd kill him ...dead...

Kid's do not have to have ballet and karate classes, they can manage to entertain themselves for a small amount of time if the house is as child proofed as possible and if the adults can deal with some impromptu art work ....it is not the first time in our country's history that a family had to make the kids entertain themselves a bit while so they could get enough sleep to function.  There are ways to set up cereal bowls and tiny unbreakable pitchers of milk , or fruit , or a small bowl of youghurt with fruit... plastic wrap can be used if that makes you uncomfortable try wax paper... plastic spoons... teach them to press start on the tv /dvd and have the backyardigans , Noggin or other positive , kid friendly entertainment.  You can doze on the sofa and they can be self suffiecient for a brief period of time.

In a perfect world both parents would not have to work to support a small family..... life is what it is.... ALL of us need to learn to ake the best of it.  Would Foster care be the better alternative??  Would breaking up a family be the best choice?? Would a Single Auntie be the only other option to a loved child learning to be a bit more independent?  And I want to point out as anguished as the OP has been at no point has she advocated removal of the kids or severing of parental rights.... Every family has hard spots they must work through.... with support and encouragement they may make it, with condemnation and judgemental posturing NO ONE wins....

JMHO

Bonita of Bwana who could seriously use an extra hour's sleep !!